Relapsed last night and feeling sad :(

I’m so frustrated with myself. I had 172 days without smoking, 112 without drinking, and last night I succumbed to my addiction. Nicotine is my ‘big’ addiction, and for me drinking always leads to smoking. And without doubt the next day I will hate myself for it. My thoughts become consumed with misery and regret, which brings on all types of anxiety and depression for me.
I’m trying not to be too hard on myself today, knowing that I have to reset and just keep going. But the dissapointment in myself is SO strong!
Why!!??? Why did I do it!!! :frowning: I guess the it’s the truth that I need to take away from this, another lesson of my life learned, I am addicted! I need to accept this truth so that next time I’m in social situation I was in, I will be equipped and able to do what I want to do - NOT drink & smoke.
I realise that I didn’t take any measures to prevent my relapse yesterday, which was my mistake. I need to equip myself and stick to what I truly know, drinking and smoking makes me sick, physically and mentally!
I am not too bad today I guess, as I can see this relapse as the important lesson and reminder that I obviously needed. And I’m proud to say that I didn’t go completely off the wagon, having only 5 drinks and 2 cigarettes before thinking “f*ck, what am I doing???” and then actually choosing to stop! That’s pretty big in itself. That’s a wow moment. because I’ve never really been able to do that before, stop in the middle of a drinking, smoking social session. So that’s something. I’ve come a long way. But clearly still quite a way to go. Thanks to this forum, I feel good that I have somewhere to express these thoughts and feelings. Hopefully this post helps others too.

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I did the exact same thing the other night! And had alllll those same thoughts and feelings! If anything, gor me, it put me in a state of conviction where I am going to succeed at this. Yesterday i was hungover at work, felt sick, wasted 12 hours sleeping it off. I feel so much better today and I hope this will go well for you as well. Keep going!

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I love that phrase/idea ‘put me in a state of conviction that I am going to succeed at this!’ this is how I feel too. Like this was just another reminder, that I needed, to keep propelling me forward. Sobriety is what works for me. It makes me feel good. Drinking and smoking makes me feel bad. That’s the bottom line, and I just gotta remember that. We can definitely do this! :slight_smile:

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Hey there @emc2018, I really feel for you and your lapse in judgement - god we’ve all been there - in my case more times than I care to mention. But you have amazing self-awareness, you’ve already given yourself the talking to that you needed, you’ve pushed and prodded yourself to work out why you did it and how to not do it again, and you’ve said it was different this time because you STOPPED - now that must be new?!
So many times in this forum I’ve seen people write “its different this time, I don’t know why or how but it is, and I just KNOW that I will do it THIS TIME.” Well I reckon that THIS is your ‘THIS TIME’!!! Let’s kick addictions arse, and drink tea at it (im British, can’t help this addiction I’m afraid!) to show we don’t care! WE HAVE TOTALLY GOT THIS!!!

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Glad you stopped. And yeah. Smoking is gross. So is drinking in a way. For most of us on this site we get pretty messy most of the time.

We don’t want that for ourselves!

Someone once said the only people who don’t fail, are the ones who never attempt anything! This is just a wake up call. I am really impressed you had so many days sober! That is Huge! Reset ,and get back in the fight. Everyone makes mistakes. That’s why there’s erasers on pencils :+1:

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Thanks so much @Bear11, good point. The fall is not the hard part, getting back up again is, but I’m definitely going to get up and get back to it! I choose to be sober, to be healthy and to be happy! Mistakes don’t define us, they help make us into who we are and who we want to be. If we learn from them and take positive, loving action towards ourselves filled with compassion, we can ‘be’ that person that is sober, content and loving life in peace because we won’t just ‘give in’ and live a life that is less than we deserve :slight_smile:

Thanks @Em76! I love tea too!! Haha
Really appreciate your support and encouragement, this helps a lot. I think this is my ‘this time’ too! And if not, that’s okay, we live and we learn and we’re only human. The point is to not give up, to always strive for what’s truly important within our soul, to follow our inner intuition and to treat ourselves with the same kindness and compassion as we treat others :slight_smile:
Thank you again

Anytime! I had a mahoosive wobble yesterday and the wise owls on this forum set me straight before I relapsed. I think the one biggest thing I’ve learned so far (in my MASSIVELY long 13 days sober!!) is that every single time I crave booze , I stop and FORCE myself to have a really good rummage around inside my head to work out what the problem REALLY is. It’s never REALLY booze I’m craving it’s always SOMETHING ELSE - it could be something basic like I’m hungry or tired, it could be that I’m stressed or anxious because of the situation I’m in at that moment (yesterday it was my kids being horrific for hours followed by a kids party that triggered me), it could be work that’s stressing me out, but ON EVERY occasion, it’s NEVER the lack of alcohol in my system that’s the real problem. And because it’s not the real problem, it can’t be the real solution that I actually need. I just have to keep on and on and on nagging at myself, shouting at myself if needs be inside my own head until between the two of us, my brain and I work out what it is that we are actually craving…food, peace, sleep, calm, space, time, quiet - it’s usually one of them! And when I work out what it truly is that I need, I can make a plan to get it. Sometimes I can’t get it immediately - yesterday I realised I was stressed and anxious because of the generally over-wrought day I’d had followed by a Big GROUP OF PEOPLE :grimacing::grimacing::grimacing:. The solution was calm, space, quiet. So I promised myself that once we got back from the party I’d shut myself away and do a yoga practice for 30 minutes. And then I was FINE. No craving any more. I hope this helps chicken!!! Good luck for today!!!

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So, I have been on and off this past 8 months (since I was last on ST) with sobriety and relapse. I’d decided I will try to embrace and live a balanced & moderate lifestyle, where I would consciously include myself in social situations and balance and moderate my drinking. Whilst initially I had a lot of success and felt good about myself and my choices, it - sadly - didn’t take long before I ended up right back where I started :frowning: sad, dissapointed, anxious, fearful, embarrassed and hating myself… for the nights out “having fun” and socialising again began ending up with me becoming black out drunk where I couldnt even recall the night or “the fun”, but there was certainly no disguising the feelings and the suffering the following day/s. So I’ve reset, rejoined and refocused. I don’t want to live with this pain anymore. I want to free myself from this fear and suffering. I just need help. It’s so hard, because it’s time like now, immediately after a relapse where it’s so blaringly obvious that it’s time to change - for good "this time! " but how can I make this time stick, because I’ve been here before, but with time I seem to forget and then make excuses or reasons why I should or can have “a drink” and then, here I am, right back here, in the valley, yearning from the depths of my despair, to climb out, to see the sky, feel the sunshine and to be content, confident, courageous and FREE.
I want to help others, to be of service, but how can I, when I can’t even help/love myself :frowning:

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Glad you came back my friend! What do you think you can you do differently this time to make it stick? For me, focusing on one day at a time was key. Each day, I did whatever it took to end my day sober. Now you see moderation doesn’t work, it’s really freeing when you stop battling the “maybe I can have a little” because you know firsthand now where that leads. Stay with us!

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It’s through the valuing of others that we can find the value in ourselves.

Be of service, jump into someone else’s life and help them, expect no thanks, no pats on the back and you’ll be amazed at how fast you can climb up out of your pit.

Become a mentor, volunteer at the Y, work in a soup kitchen, collect trash off your neighborhood streets, volunteer as a caregiver, get into AA and answer phone calls for people who feel as desperate as you do right now.

Keep trudging on the path in the light, the happiness you crave is right there waiting for you and all you have to do is work for it.

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Welcome back, wet are glad you are here :two_hearts::bird:

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Welcome back!! I spent years trying to moderate and every time ended up back at blackout drunk asshat land. It is truly a blessing to be able put all that behind me and live free of regret and shame and feel and be healthy…a true blessing. It isn’t easy, but it is worth it.

It sounds to me like you have had enough and I am happy for you.

It really helped me to keep a list of why I am sober and a list of bad crap from drinking. Whenever I would think maybe just one or I could moderate, I would bring out that list and remind myself of the truth.

So glad you are back and sober!

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Welcome back @emc2018!

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As disappointed as we feel when we relapse, consider the flip side that you at least know what you did & are ready to get back up.

Any day starting over at day 1 is better than wasting it in a bottle. You got this.

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Hi @MandiH and thank you! You’re right, it’s one-day-at-a-time focus that is required to be successful here, in sobriety. I have learnt that I am NOT a person who can have a balanced and/or moderated relationship with alcohol. The bigger learning though, for me, is that that IS OKAY :slight_smile: I drink for all sorts of reasons - however they pretty much boil down to one deeper one - a feeling of not being good enough and a lack of self-worth. So this time, it’s time to focus on this! On giving myself love, compassion, kindness, confidence and courage. I don’t need to drink, I don’t need to live in fear. I’m going to remind myself and practice these things each day, one day at a time :slight_smile: it’s Day 4 and I’m feeling good, well better, this first week is such a struggle as my body processes the alcohol and my mind deals with the depression and dissapointment. The beauty is that I know what’s ahead and the joy I will feel being alcohol free in mind, body and soul. I hope you’re well too?! :slight_smile:

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Thank you @aircircle! I’m so glad to be back here. Feeling strong and supported as a part of this community. It helps so much. I won’t forget it this time!

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Thank you @SassyRocks!! Such a great idea to keep a list of the good (being sober parts) and the bad (drinking parts) , certainly going to take your advice on that :slight_smile: much appreciated :pray: yep, moderation in this area just doesn’t work for me! But that’s okay. I choose health and happiness. I hope you’re doing well.

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Love this advice! Thank you so much @anon67035918 :pray:
I read a lot and listen to podcasts and they help SO much. Definitely going to write myself out ‘a plan’ and also a list about all the good parts of being sober and all the horrible parts of drinking. I know for sure that I don’t want to suffer anymore! My life is way too blessed to throw it away with bad choices!

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