Trigger warning for some heavy (and i mean HEAVY) topics. Please forgive me if I’m doing something wrong here or have messed up my tags or whatever, and please delete or correct me if so. Please bear with me as this may end up being long and I’m being overly vulnerable. May even delete later, Idk.
*** TW: childhood abuse, childhood trauma, sexual assault, incest, ptsd ***
I am approaching 2 weeks sober and my biggest hurdle has been nightmares and trying to get healthy sleep for virtually the first time in my life. As my mind clears from the weed, I’ve been sitting with and processing my inner thoughts and feelings, and memories that I have tucked away for a long time.
For some context, i have an INCREDIBLE family now that has seamlessly adopted me as their own in all ways except legally. But…My bio family was very abusive in many ways, with my biggest tormenter being my younger brother. Although he was younger by 19 months, he was always bigger and stronger and more powerful than me. Not even taking my bio parents into consideration for this post, my childhood and adolescence were spent being beaten, ridiculed, humiliated, and overall emotionally and physically abused by my brother. He has punched, kicked, scratched, cut me deep enough that I still have psychical scars 20 years later, killed our pets with no signs of remorse, and in one memorable occasion tried to kill me by strangling when we were home alone. He never received consequences for these actions, even when done directly in front of our parents, because I was the older sibling and had to be a good example since I knew better, and if he was acting this way it was because of something I did to provoke him.
I have had disordered sleep for pretty much my entire life, including nightmares and night terrors, and on several occasions have awoken myself or others by screaming for my brother to stop.
As I’ve been detoxing from weed, the nightmares have become more vivid, and almost nightly I see his smirking face in my dreams, even though I have not seen nor spoken to him in nearly a decade. And as I process my inner thoughts and feelings with a sober mind, painful memories are coming back. I have come to the disgusting realization that he sexually abused me as well.
I won’t go into super explicit details. It’s confusing, especially since he was younger than me, but there was undoubtedly a power imbalance. I have memories of him sneaking into my bed at night but not waking up in it, masturbating in front of me because he found my discomfort amusing, or making me sit on his lap because it “felt good.” I even recall our mother walking in on the latter once, and telling us to stop because it was inappropriate, but there were never any consequences or further discussion. As I think more and more about it, and how my mother would literally watch as my brother drew blood and did nothing, I’m starting to realize that if she suspected or witnessed me getting literally molested, she still wouldn’t do anything to protect me.
I feel confused, angry, scared, gross, dirty, shameful, weak. At my last therapy session I admitted these thoughts and memories to my therapist for the first time (and I’ve been seeing her since I was 16), and while I was surprised by them, she wasn’t. So I’m working on addressing this for literally the first time in my life. I may not have a pinpoint example of “this is the time my little brother raped me,” but undoubtedly I was unsafe physically, emotionally, mentally, and unfortunately sexually.
I guess the main point I’m coming to is that in dealing with all this, I don’t like it (duh). I don’t like feeling these feelings and remembering these memories. I don’t like these nightmares that make me feel like a frightened little kid again. My irrational addict brain just wants to run away and numb everything, cloud my dreams and memories with weed, get high and not worry. And yet I know that it won’t take away the pain and trauma, it’ll just put it off.
The only way out is through, and the only way through is sober. I don’t want to go back to my addiction. I want to choose recovery. I guess I’m wondering if getting clean has caused anyone else to have to open up painful wounds of the past? I feel so confused and alone and scared and gross.
I’ve been up all night afraid to fall back asleep, but I’m exhausted and I know my body needs it–hell, I’ll die without sleep lol. I just really don’t want to see his face when I close my eyes.
Whew, this ended up being super long. Again, PLEASE correct me or delete if I messed up the tags/categories or if something like this shouldn’t be on TS at all.
Idk how else to end this post LOL I guess if you’re still reading this, sorry? And thanks too.
P.S. I’m also cracking myself up at how trauma and marijuana rhyme. At least I can be funny while I’m losing my mind