Remembering Past Trauma, Learning to Cope Cleanly *TW*

[reeseycup]

Trigger warning for some heavy (and i mean HEAVY) topics. Please forgive me if I’m doing something wrong here or have messed up my tags or whatever, and please delete or correct me if so. Please bear with me as this may end up being long and I’m being overly vulnerable. May even delete later, Idk.

*** TW: childhood abuse, childhood trauma, sexual assault, incest, ptsd ***

I am approaching 2 weeks sober and my biggest hurdle has been nightmares and trying to get healthy sleep for virtually the first time in my life. As my mind clears from the weed, I’ve been sitting with and processing my inner thoughts and feelings, and memories that I have tucked away for a long time.

For some context, i have an INCREDIBLE family now that has seamlessly adopted me as their own in all ways except legally. But…My bio family was very abusive in many ways, with my biggest tormenter being my younger brother. Although he was younger by 19 months, he was always bigger and stronger and more powerful than me. Not even taking my bio parents into consideration for this post, my childhood and adolescence were spent being beaten, ridiculed, humiliated, and overall emotionally and physically abused by my brother. He has punched, kicked, scratched, cut me deep enough that I still have psychical scars 20 years later, killed our pets with no signs of remorse, and in one memorable occasion tried to kill me by strangling when we were home alone. He never received consequences for these actions, even when done directly in front of our parents, because I was the older sibling and had to be a good example since I knew better, and if he was acting this way it was because of something I did to provoke him.

I have had disordered sleep for pretty much my entire life, including nightmares and night terrors, and on several occasions have awoken myself or others by screaming for my brother to stop.

As I’ve been detoxing from weed, the nightmares have become more vivid, and almost nightly I see his smirking face in my dreams, even though I have not seen nor spoken to him in nearly a decade. And as I process my inner thoughts and feelings with a sober mind, painful memories are coming back. I have come to the disgusting realization that he sexually abused me as well.

I won’t go into super explicit details. It’s confusing, especially since he was younger than me, but there was undoubtedly a power imbalance. I have memories of him sneaking into my bed at night but not waking up in it, masturbating in front of me because he found my discomfort amusing, or making me sit on his lap because it “felt good.” I even recall our mother walking in on the latter once, and telling us to stop because it was inappropriate, but there were never any consequences or further discussion. As I think more and more about it, and how my mother would literally watch as my brother drew blood and did nothing, I’m starting to realize that if she suspected or witnessed me getting literally molested, she still wouldn’t do anything to protect me.

I feel confused, angry, scared, gross, dirty, shameful, weak. At my last therapy session I admitted these thoughts and memories to my therapist for the first time (and I’ve been seeing her since I was 16), and while I was surprised by them, she wasn’t. So I’m working on addressing this for literally the first time in my life. I may not have a pinpoint example of “this is the time my little brother raped me,” but undoubtedly I was unsafe physically, emotionally, mentally, and unfortunately sexually.

I guess the main point I’m coming to is that in dealing with all this, I don’t like it (duh). I don’t like feeling these feelings and remembering these memories. I don’t like these nightmares that make me feel like a frightened little kid again. My irrational addict brain just wants to run away and numb everything, cloud my dreams and memories with weed, get high and not worry. And yet I know that it won’t take away the pain and trauma, it’ll just put it off.

The only way out is through, and the only way through is sober. I don’t want to go back to my addiction. I want to choose recovery. I guess I’m wondering if getting clean has caused anyone else to have to open up painful wounds of the past? I feel so confused and alone and scared and gross.

I’ve been up all night afraid to fall back asleep, but I’m exhausted and I know my body needs it–hell, I’ll die without sleep lol. I just really don’t want to see his face when I close my eyes.

Whew, this ended up being super long. Again, PLEASE correct me or delete if I messed up the tags/categories or if something like this shouldn’t be on TS at all.

Idk how else to end this post LOL I guess if you’re still reading this, sorry? And thanks too.

P.S. I’m also cracking myself up at how trauma and marijuana rhyme. At least I can be funny while I’m losing my mind

[reeseycup]

Holy shit this is way longer than I anticipated WHOOPS

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Thank u for sharing friend, that must have not been easy to do. My heart just broke for you with all youve been thru. Im so sorry u had to endure so much from ur family, especially ur younger brother. Getting clean and sober can definitly open up some deep trauma. It did for me too honestly. Stuff related to my past in the sex trade and abuse from my ex. I think we stuff alot of that trauma down with drugs and alcohol and then when those substances are removed, we are faced with nightmares, flashbacks, and the like. I dont have much advice/suggestions other than to continually remind urself thar ur safe now. I remind myself of that often when trauma related stuff or triggers pop up. That ur safe. That ur on a healing journey. That no one can hurt u like that anymore. Youre doing such amazing work by addressing this trauma with ur therapist and i feel extremely proud of u for doing all of this clean and sober. Sending peace and calmness and serenity your way

[reeseycup]

My goodness, thank you. That really means a lot coming from you. I’m a bit of a lurker and I’ve admired your strength and graceful resilience, so your words are very kind and helpful.

@Butterflymoonwoman

That ur safe. That ur on a healing journey. That no one can hurt u like that anymore.

I actually cried reading that. Thank you.

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Ur very welcome friend and thank you for the compliments. Thay really means alot to me too. Im so glad to be on this sobriety with you!

[handoferis]

I’m sorry about your brother. He never should have abused his power over you. I’m sorry about your parents never doing anything about it, either. I relate, my family dynamic was super similar. They’re the ones who deserve to feel shame and weakness, not you!🩷

I self medicated for years because of the nightmares I had. I was eventually able to talk to my doctor for something non-addictive, non-habit forming to help with the nightmares. I use prazosin but I think there’s others that could help too.

[Matt]

@reeseycup

I’m also cracking myself up at how trauma and marijuana rhyme.

That is hilarious. Actually. I never realized that but you’re right, they do.

This might be a weird way to reply to your post (which was courageous and terrifying and transfixing, and many more things too), but the part that spoke to me most of all was your last sentence (which I quoted above).

Absurd humour - at least, that’s how I hear it (out of place and incongruous to the situation) - is something that has brought me comfort over the years. It’s like a raincoat in a storm. I’m still wet at the end but not as wet as I would have been without the humour to deflect some of the rain.

I haven’t been through what you’ve been through, at all, but that last sentence does make me laugh. I wonder why. It also makes me think of times I’ve been in emotionally charged situations and seen something absurd or made some weird connection and gone off into thinking about that (or sharing it with the people with me - thank goodness I have weird friends and family).

Thanks for sharing. I read the whole thing. You’re doing something that feels helpful for you, it sounds like, and you’re gonna find what you need. You are a good person and you belong, always.

[reeseycup]

Thank you. It’s really hard to not internalize those feelings of shame and guilt, especially when I was blamed a lot for any of the issues in our family (which looking back makes no sense because I was a kid??? WTF lol). It’s saddening knowing that I’ll never get an apology or even acknowledgment that they hurt me, but I’ve just been trying to exact the best revenge I can: living well.

It’s funny you mention prazosin because I’ve been taking 1mg for the past few years and it did help me immensely. Unfortunately I was still using a lot during those years, so while I’m still on prazosin my body is trying to metabolize and “even out” without the weed. I’m hoping it can balance itself out soon.

[reeseycup]

Thank you Matt. I’m glad I was able to make you laugh in such a dark post LOL. Humor was definitely my first coping mechanism. I really liked your raincoat analogy. I’m going to have to steal that in the future!

[Mno]

Thanks for sharing friend. Becoming sober and clean for me meant too I had to face my own past and I’m still working at it. Therapy and healing an dealing with our pasts are slow processes. But there’s huge gains to be had by actually dealing with all the stuff we never asked for but were given anyway. Glad you’re here. We’re in this together.

[reeseycup]

Putting this here because idk where else to post this. I talked to my best friend earlier today. We’ve been friends since freshman/sophomore year of high school and have been through a lot, both together and separate. I told her about all these thoughts and feelings I’m dealing with, and she admitted that she wasn’t surprised or shocked at all. “Since I met you, I always understood that you were afraid of him.” She even brought up some memories/stories that I had shared with her, that I completely forgot about.

I’m scared knowing that as I progress in my sobriety and progress with processing all this, more memories will possibly come up. Ones that are worse than the ones I have, because my brain has been trying to protect me for a long time. I’m afraid to face these issues with a sober mind, without the comfortable blanket of weed to distract and dull me, and yet I know that it won’t actually help. It’s like hiding under the blanket instead of looking at the shadowy figure in your bedroom, but if you just turn on the light you’d see it was a coat rack and not a monster. But I’m scared to turn on the light and see that the monster is real.

This metaphor is getting out of hand, but I hope that makes sense. It’s pretty sad to admit all this to the people I trust, and not have them be surprised by it. And yet it’s also validating in a way, realizing that these feelings and thoughts aren’t coming out of nowhere, and that I’m not “crazy.”

Bluh. I don’t like this. But I also don’t like taking antibiotics, yet I know that the infection will only get worse if I don’t treat it. There I go with the metaphors again… But you catch my drift.

Trying hard to put my head on the pillow sober, and wake up sober. I’m staring down the barrel of 2 weeks clean. I can and I will do this. It’s hard and painful, and I’m going to do this anyway.

[Mno]

Some great metaphors there friend. In a way sober life is harder than it is under the influence. It’s more complicated for sure. We have to work for a good life, just like anyone, addicted or not. Life is so much more satisfying sober though. It’s so much better to actually work through stuff that happened and happens, instead of putting our heads in the sand. You’re doing it. Keep going, you’re doing great.

[reeseycup]

Writing this here to get it out of my brain.

Having trouble sleeping for the past few hours because I keep having flashbacks of some of the things my brother did to me. One scene in particular playing over and over, hearing him laugh when I tried (and failed) to defend myself because “You’re going to get in so much trouble for this.”

Also recontextualizing something he’d say to me all the time: “That’s what you get.” In the context of the sexual abuse, that phrase takes on an even deeper, darker meaning. I remember being tremendously upset whenever he would say that to me, and even as a kid wondering why that phrase raised my hackles SO much. It makes my skin crawl even now to think about it.

Tried doing all the self soothing methods in my toolbox, because smoking or drinking to distract myself is not an option. Shower, yoga, Tarot reading, meditation, breathing exercises, guided meditation, body scan, sleep hypnosis…nothing working. Finally realized that I needed outside help, so I called my best friend who happened to be awake and told her all of the above. She reassured me that I’m safe, what happened is wrong, and in her words “that weird little creep is a thousand miles away and will never hurt you again.” By the end of our 15 minute phone call we were laughing and she kept sending me pictures of her cats. I still feel a knot in my throat, but I don’t feel trapped in my psyche like I did. Going to try again to get some sleep. Just had to get this all off my chest so it doesn’t sit and fester in my heart. Grateful that I have therapy scheduled for Monday.

[reeseycup]

Putting this here because this thread has all the trigger warnings at the top and again I need to get this out of my brain and into words.

I spoke to my older (bio) brother today. He’s the only one in my family of origin who I still speak to. He knew that I was abused a lot growing up, but wasn’t aware of the sheer extent of it (he’s 12 years older than me so we didn’t really grow up together). We had like a 20 minute phone call and I think he could tell that something was wrong with me because I just kind of kept dancing around topics. Told him that work was good, even though right now I’m on an extended medical leave to get treatment for my PTSD of all the assault our younger brother did to me.

After we hung up, I called him again and after kind of dancing around the topic, I finally admitted that our younger brother had abused me in all ways, including sexually. He was really shocked and horrified, because he had no idea. He still talks to our brother sometimes but after hearing my story he doesn’t really want to associate with him. I feel guilty, like I’m putting a wedge between the oldest and youngest, or forcing him to choose. And at the same time, I know that I don’t want to associate with anyone who still has connections to this very sick young man who assaulted me in every way, shape, and form for over half my life. And I want to still have a relationship with my older brother, because he’s a good man and he loves me.

He kept telling me how sorry he was and that he had no idea, and that he doesn’t know what to do or say now. But he also kept assuring me that he believes me, that I didn’t do anything wrong, and that I’m really strong for going through this and seeking help. I don’t feel strong. I feel sick and weak and disgusted and disgusting. I know that objectively, I’m doing all the right things to heal. AND it all sucks and feels horrible and I hate it.

I’m still feeling really guilty for telling my older brother all this. But I also know that it was going to fester in me if I kept quiet. I hope that I did the right thing. I don’t know what to do now. I feel so sick and lost. I hate admitting that my younger brother sexually assaulted me. It was easier when it was “just” physical and emotional abuse. It really does feel like I had a huge chunk of my innocence and childhood ripped away from me, and only recently I have realized just how deep and infected the wound is.

I don’t know what else to say. Just had to put these thoughts somewhere. I feel sick to my stomach.

[reeseycup]

Times like this make me wish that I wasn’t sober. I’m not going to relapse, but goddamn sometimes I miss the haze of being high so I could run away from my problems. I know that it doesn’t help or fix anything, and ultimately only makes things worse. But god, sobriety is really fucking hard sometimes.

[mxelle]

you’re not responsible for how your older brother is coping with the information/news.

the shame belongs to perpetrators of harm, not their victims.

Its normal how you feel, and at the same time you can use perspectives to lift the burden

You’re alright and doing amazing

[reeseycup]

Thank you. Wise words, and I’m really struggling to internalize them. I feel like I threw a grenade at my older brother that I didn’t need to detonate yet. Like I’m just spreading my hurt around to other people to try and make myself feel better? I don’t know… I do appreciate your words though. I’m just trying hard to believe them. Thank you.

[mxelle]

@reeseycup

to try and make myself feel better?

Maybe, but so what? You deserve a little tlc, maybe you need more tlc.

Sometimes its true that we can ask if another is ready to listen to hard things. We forget to do this, and its important. “I’ve got something to say, its not easy to hear, can we talk about it”.

Believe my words because I am right. I’m always right.

[Jennajen]

Hello reeseycup. Thank you for sharing with us.

I can see from your posts that you talk aboutthose conflicting feelings and thoughts you have. A logical part in you knows that what happened to you was not your fault and that you are worth being loved and cared for. Another part of you was told and shown in action that you should be ashamed and feel guilt and you have no worth and that part struggles to believe otherwise. It will take time to bridge that gap and for you to show love and caring to that child in you that was so alone growing up. Please hug that part of you. I am also happy you have now been able to share so others may also show that you are lovable and worth everything good life has to offer.

Thank you for sharing.

[reeseycup]

As I’ve been working through trauma treatment and my brain has been substance-free for 45 days now, I’m so haunted by memories that are coming up. The shame and guilt and disgust I feel is overwhelming as I try to process such horrible things my brother did to me.

It’s also really difficult to process just how fucking WEIRD some of it was (i.e. he would make me stick my tongue out and lick my tongue, god even typing this makes my skin crawl). Like, something was seriously, seriously wrong with that boy, and he just got worse with time…

I brought up in therapy that I feel so ashamed with my participation in these depraved acts. She stopped me right away and said that I was NOT a participant. I didn’t have any choice–if I DID have a choice, I would have chosen not to. I guess it’s kind of like how battered wives don’t want the cops called (“it’ll just make him mad and then it will be worse”). If I tried to defend myself verbally or physically, it would just be worse. So instead I hid inside my mind and locked those experiences away.

It’s just so fucked up to have these things done to you, much less have them done to you by your BROTHER. And the willful neglect I experienced from my bio mother… it just makes me so, so incredibly sad how Little Reese was so unsafe. I wish I could go back in time to protect him. He was just a kid, he didn’t do anything wrong. Not only did nobody speak up or step in, I was thrown to the wolves and then berated for getting bitten.

Fucking ay. No wonder I stayed high for as long as I did. This shit is painful. Opening the pandora’s box of my memories is absolutely terrifying.

Don’t know why I’m posting this right now. Just got a lot on my mind, i guess, and hopefully by putting it out into the universe, my nightmares won’t be so incredibly horrible tonight.