It’s been a while since I posted here, so I’m checking in.
I started my sobriety journey last August, and as of today, I’ve had 306 sober days. That number means a lot to me—because honestly, it would’ve been the other way around if I hadn’t found this space and the incredible support from all of you. You’ve helped me grow my sober muscle, and I’m so grateful.
It’s another super early morning—and I’m good with it.
This rhythm feels right now: early to bed, early to rise. I got seven solid hours of truly restful sleep, which still feels like a gift. Especially when I think back to a year ago, when I first started this journey.
Back then, sleep was chaos.
I’d pass out drunk, and once I came out of that foggy, toasted coma-state, my sleep was fractured and panicked. Every time I woke up, I felt like I was dying. I’d lie there bargaining with the universe just to make it to morning—desperate to get off the crazy train. But then, like clockwork, I’d climb right back on.
I don’t miss that life. Not one bit.
Now, I’ve found something beautiful in these quiet hours before the sun rises.
The world is still. My mind wanders. I reflect on the past few days… and the distant past too.
It’s funny how silence invites all the “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve” thoughts.
I’ve got plenty of those. I know I’m not alone.
I wish I’d been a better kid.
A better mom.
A better wife.
Blah blah blah.
And just as I sit here, tangled in my thoughts, that familiar whisper creeps in.
Guess who?
Yep. My alcohol demon.
It says, “Have a drink. Numb it all out.”
No. I’m not doing that.
But I recognize the thought for what it is—the crazy train slow-rolling into the station. And I have no desire to reset again.
I’ve seen others here talk about how they can spot a relapse before it happens. I get that now. I’ve noticed it in myself too.
I’ve had two resets after stacking up some solid time.
I’m sharing that because in the beginning, I could barely string two days together. This is part of my journey—getting here, today.
The first reset was just a thought.
The second was more complicated. I was nearing a big milestone (four months), and I’ve learned that milestones can be weird triggers. Then a stressful incident happened (a story for another day), and it stuck with me for days. That was all the fuel I needed to light the fire.
Just like that, me and the alcohol demon were back together—for a couple of weeks.
Thankfully, I picked myself up.
Gave myself grace.
Grabbed my tools.
Gathered a few more.
And started again. Third time’s a charm, so they say—and I believe it will be.
I didn’t saying anything until now of most recent reset out of fear or embarrassment. Silly, I know that it would have been meet with support.
I have 40days stacked up in a row again, and this is my journey. And it’s by no means perfect.
Now, with all that said, and with my sober muscle growing stronger, I’ve been asking myself a question:
Why did I drink so heavily and stay drunk so long?
I know what I need to do:
Don’t pick up.
Go to bed sober.
Every day.
These morning thoughts—now stretching into the light—still scare me.
And maybe that’s healthy.
But writing this, It helps. I feel better.
I’m healing and need to continue to.
.
I say F off. You bring nothing but wasted time, pain and misery to my life. And I will not let myself miss you 
. And choose my life with all it’s up and down without my alcohol 
. Keep fighting that good fight and living a demon free life 
back in my life and I hate myself for it.
