Reset again, again

[Von100]

I keep making about 1 1/2 days and then nothing more, stupid thought and dumb comment to my hubby (drinking partner) and I drink.

I’m also realizing a big trigger is after we get freedom from grandparent obligations. Because I never drink around them or on the days I have them. And I don’t fine it hard because I know it not option or least I have set as a hard line for myself. The one time I did the morning before have them in the evening. It turned into a shit show. But that story is for another time.

I must try harder and really try this time. I feel like crap all the time. I know it is killing me. I don’t want die early. I know that if/ when I quit I feel so much better and maybe restore some of my health. Even two days without, I feel little better not much but I little. When I go four or five days which isn’t often I start feeling better and have some energy. But today hangover again I feeling like shit, my skin burning and tingling. Slept like crap, woke up thinking I’m dying heart pounding.wondering did I take my BP pills last night. (Which I did take this morning)

So it brings to yesterday and losing day 4 again. After having a beautiful 3 night weekend at the beach with the kids and the grand baby! No drinking! Oh yea, did I mention we closet drinkers from are kids ( which we all know that is a joke).

On the drive home, I was battling myself in my head about having a drink. I was telling myself keep going you want this! In a few hours you will hit day four! And have some more time underneath you. Because the more time under me not drinking. I hope, it will help me to continue to choose not drink…

But nope it did stay that way for me this time. It was a long drive home. I got hungry and of course instead going to a safe restaurant where there is no alcohol served. I pulled into one with a lounge a familiar one on the way home from the beach😉.

A happy accident of course, not, it was my alcohol brain in full control. What the hell is wrong with me!! I just was telling myself NO!
I did manage to have just one. Well that just sounds stupid, I managed to have just one. Again, what the HELL. I’m giving myself a metal!

But this one drink gives my dumb ass the green light for later. And a half hour from home as I know we are going to be passing the liquor store soon. I threw the bait out there. “So, shall we still good or would you like to have few drinks tonight then restart tomorrow.?”

Oh let’s drink. We start again tomorrow the famous line in our home.

I tell myself It be fun and relaxing! Afternoon me always thinks this way!

NOT, instead we had our drinks it was not a relaxing fun time. And if I’m honest with you all, it rarely ever is.

The stupid alcohol bullshit time kicks in most of the time. Because it always finish the bottle that we started.

And last night was no different.

Not sure how far into the bottle we were but the yelling, screaming, name calling and yea the famous I want a divorce! You know the FUN part of the evening.

I couldn’t tell you how it even started it. Some small and Stupid thing, I’m sure.
And, I’m sure our neighbors were like great, they are home agian.

Now, here I am again another morning hangover and regret of the Stuipders of the evening!! Both of us are on the same page.

As I lay in bed writing this to myself and just maybe next time before I choose to drink. I could just stop for one minute and reflect back to this. And just maybe help myself.

How Fucking stupid can I be! Day one again and really hate myself for drinking last night!!! Now I got to start over again!!! I was so close to day four.

I just got to get through this day without drinking! Which will be easy today because I have a grandchild come over for the night.

So the big challenge will come tomorrow when they go home. And I do want to quit! I really do!!! I know in the end I will be happier.

I must try harder! I come up with a plan!!! I must STOP!!!

[Dan531]

Fill your brain with sobriety related content. This could be AA meetings, youtube videos, books, podcasts anything sobriety related. If you put time into learning your craft of sobriety everyday, your chances increase dramatically.

I listened to a thousand hours of sobriety podcasts and read on here for days. Working on my sobriety was the main focus of my everyday life.

You can do this, invest in yourself. Best wishes.

P.s. don’t tie your sobriety to your spouses, this is YOUR journey

[erntedank]

Honey, first of all: Here are hugs galore how much need, sending you hugs

You sound awfully overburdened. LOTS on your plate. Sounds like little time to unwind and rest. Sounds like drinking is a coping mechanism.
We know it isn’t but used longtime it’s hard work to a) not use it b) find other healthy ways.

I recommend HALT HALT as a warning sign H.ungry A.ngry L.onely T.ired

I send you kindness for yourself because you sound that you have little for yourself atm.
I know well what’s like to be a caretaker to family. And how it can lead to exhaustion, codependency (I suggest to take a look at this relationship issue Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?)

Come here, vent, share, ask, let it out!
You are not alone
Take it one time a day, from minute to minute. We are human BEINGS, not human doings. You are always welcome, proud of you that you keep starting and getting up for yourself

[Ray_M_C_Laren]

Plenty of programs out there that will help you and likeminded people who have been were you have on that hamster wheel wish you well

[Cjp]

Bookmark this post! This is an awesome reminder of your reasons. I can relate to alot you shared

[Von100]

Thank you all for the support! I’m glad, I find this community. Had a great time with the grandkid. I feel Positive this morning. I usually do in the morning. I Just need to get through the afternoon alcohol demon brain!!

Plan for this afternoon. The moment the thought comes in.
1.Come back here and read this thread and others share.
2. Take the dogs for a walk
3. Take a shower
4. Have cup of tea
5. Work on a puzzle or color
6. Have a snack
7. Go to bed early
8. Clean the master bedroom and bathroom

Most importantly, just don’t pick up the 1st drink! I will be happier for it in the morning!

[SoberWalker]

Good plan!
If you play your cards right you will feel possitive again next morning!

[19801]

Don’t pick up the first drink , when you start addict thinking pick up a sober tool, stop quitting quitting after a day and a half ,get yourself to a meeting of AA or a recovery programme of your choice . It’s not easy for an addict to get sober if it was everyone would be walking around grinning an whistling Oh what a wonderful life !!! You have to go through some hard Fuckin days , get your head round that and you’ll be on your way to freedom

[Von100]

I haven’t been successful but today is a new day. I’m still here and being honest with myself and my progress which is a fail, so far. It is very tough but I will beat this addiction! I woke up with this song stuck in my head this morning.

- YouTube

[Von100]

In keeping honest with myself and my journey to my sobriety that I truly do want.

Yesterday, was tough but I made to another day two. I used my plan. I took a shower after work and started cooking a little dinner. I avoid looking directly at hubby ( which yes I knew that not sustainable in the long term but for now🤷🏻‍♀️) I was really wanting that drink and I knew we could do the famous play on each other. Then there would be a bottle in the house. Because that is how our alcohol demon brain works.

Which would have gotten drank to the bottom of bottle. Then who knows, it may not be have been enough for us at the end bottle. We may have gotten another because that is how we roll.

And there was a few moments it was very close to that happening.

But that is not what happened LAST night !!

I got through the urges and made my way to early night in bed. My body can definitely use the rest.

I’m so happy about that this morning, even if I’m awake at 3 am!

I’m feel somewhat positive this morning about getting through this day without drinking. But very nervous about this afternoon. As know, I will have to fight my alcohol demon brain even harder tonight. It is Friday and hubby’s early shift off work. And what do we on Friday nights but get hammered.

But I will take this nervous feeling that I’m having as good sign. I want my day three, five and 365+ of sobriety.

And I know that this is my journey and mine alone. But I’m not stupid, I knew, that it is even harder because there is two of us in house fighting the same fight.

I thought about getting away for days by myself to get my legs underneath. And he could do what, his going to do (he wants to stop too). The last time I was going too. It did not work out, the car was loaded, dogs in travel cages and the car won’t start. No beach for me😭.

But that is me probably just running away. (Which is what I did in my younger years to coop with stuff)

Or is it?? Yes, it probably is.

It will not change the battle with my own alcohol demon brain. I can drinking there or not, too. It is the same battle.
I would still come home and have to fight the same old habits here anyways.
So, home I will stay.

It’s not like he is the one pouring the drinks down my throat. It is me!!! And my own hand!!! Wow!!! There is a clarity moment for me!!

Feeling a little more positive after this.

I can do this! I need to do this! I want to do this!
I’m in control!! I will not let my alcohol Demon Brian get me today!!!

[Von100]

This afternoon wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be . I was determined to make it and I did make it to day 3. Off to bed to rest! Happy to know, I won’t be waking up with a fresh hangover. Tomorrow I will keep the course and just aim to get to bed sober.

[KrissyMae]

Nice work. Keep it up. I’m glad to hear you’re feeling proud of these victories along the way!

[Cleon]

Congratulations on those days off! It’s very difficult in the context of family or couple when there is product in the house. I understand exactly the feeling. My partner has no problem with alcool and so there is always some bottle a wine in the cellar as we sometimes welcome guests and families. And so the temptation is present. It’s not ideal. I also recognize myself when you talk about the afternoons and the evening. This is when the craving was most difficult for me as there are some social automation to it.

[Von100]

Thank you for the support. Joining this community is one of the best things I have done in a long time. It is 3 am again sleeping is hard. But feeling good about today. I love waking up agian not freshly hangover. I will continue use my new tools and the support of the community. I don’t want to drink today. I can never have just one. Feeling positive about today! Main goal get to bed with no alcohol in the system. I want this! Need this! I must not have any alcohol today. I want that day 5!

[Von100]

Today was a good sober day. Went to breakfast this morning to restaurant that does not service alcohol well at least they do not in the past. Struggle with that But still just had water.

After that we went for a walk in the forest. It was very nice.

Came home did some stuff around the house. Made us a strawberry Italian soda, so yummy. Cooked dinner and then took the dogs for walk. Came home and then took a shower and I’m heading to bed.

This day was only possible because I went to bed sober the night before!

Had few struggles though out the day but I used my tools and got through them one at time. This community has help so much.

I feel good about tomorrow and making it to day 5 which is big for me!! Feeling positive, looking forward waking up tomorrow without being hangover!

[Cleon]

Congrats on this good day!

[Von100]

Ok, I’m fighting my demon brain super hard right now. I keep thinking about that drink. I’m reading my early post and around the forum. Helping a little but the is in full gear! Must hold strong!! I do want my day 5 day it only hours away! Go away demon !!!

[19801]

Hi @Von100 how are you

[Von100]

@19801 Thanks for checking in on me. It is nice to know I have someone out there that cares enough to check in on me.

Well, I can say, I have a day 3 underneath me again.

From my last entry, I had let my alcohol win and stay there for a bit.

I had been feeling so positive about that weekend and betting my alcohol for almost a whole 5 days! Which sadly would have be a lot for me. With only about a hour left, I caved into my .

So, Feeling ashamed and embarrassed. I pulled away from the resource and support. That, I had found and was helping me to begin a better path in my life.

But this morning, I did came back!! And started reading around here again. And one the first things I saw was
“I wake up ready to quit and am drinking by 6pm”
I could relate so much to that share. And all support being giving🫠, I well let’s say it perfect!!!

I’m glad that I came back!! I can see that sharing with each other, can be very helpful and I’m going to keep trying!! My goal today and only working on today, is get my head on my pillow sober

And to have something mostly for me to reflect back too in weak moments. ( and maybe it can help someone else)

Here it is my continued story;

Monday, September 30 was the start of yet another day one.

We had gotten drunk the night before. And Hubby and I were to hangover (more like still drunk) to go work that morning. So we both called in sick. And Hubby instead of crawling back into bed. He decided to start up again ( I did not join in with him at 4:00 am ) This actually really pissed me off. I started yelling at him “ you called in sick because you’re to F****** hangover to go to work and you starting F****** drinking again, what the F*** is wrong with you”. He just laugh and what the “F” ever and I stomped back to bed. A lot more to that part of the story but another day.

I woke back up that morning. And to stay away from the alcohol easy because I super hangover and dying in bed. In morning me is always ready to quit!

But by afternoon, well, we all know this person!!!

But instead of giving into my alcohol demon brain this afternoon, and joining hubby in the demon sauce. Who, by the way was still drinking from 4am, Yep! More to that story, too!!

I got up, and took a instead which worked for bit.
Then I started to make something to eat and saw the bottle of vodka in the freezer!

And there went my again but instead of reaching in and grab it (and oh boy! how, I wanted too.)! I closed the freezer and finished making my dinner. I got through that craving. You lose !

And

It also did help that, by this time, Hubby was being super annoying and was beyond lite!!

I finished my dinner and here came another craved again. My thoughts “Just join him, it will make the evening fun! (Right) I can start quitting again tomorrow, it hasn’t even be whole day, yet. You feel better if, you have a drink now and he will stop annoying you (maybe). “

But then I did something different. And I thought, wow!! I don’t want to be obnoxiously drunk like that and it won’t be fun. I want to keep going and have day one in tomorrow not start it. I will feel so much better tomorrow, if I don’t have one (+++), tonight!!! It is why I feel like all the time!!!

So, I grabbed my phone and all the car keys. And I went to bed with all dogs following me, it was super early like a little after 5pm!

But, I knew the pillow was the best place for me!!! And Heck my body can definitely use the extra rest for sure!!! So, I won the that day and the next two day.

And here I am today, waking up to my day 3 token. And working towards my Day 5.

I’m thinking about maybe doing a meeting but not sure, yet!

But what i do know is I need to get my head to today’s pillow sober. And I can do it if, I really try!!!

I understand now, that it is not about quitting for the rest of my life. As when I think about never again, it is just to much and frankly, it makes me want it even more!!!

It is about, minute by minute and getting to the pillow with a sober head, today! And, I know will love myself tomorrow for it!

[19801]

I’m so glad you came back and have stayed strong , I can see that’s not easy in your house just do you and let him do him we are not responsible for others only ourselves. go to the meeting you NEED a meeting. I have never come out of a meeting and wanted to drink you will also gain the support of others so you are not alone in this .it’s your first step towards recovery