I am aware of members entering into complicated emotional entanglements with other forum members that can later have negative impacts on one or both parties. Whilst those of us who are 18+ are adults who are free to make our own decisions, I feel that it is worth raising and discussing.
Some individuals have spoken to me about wanting to post something about their own experiences as a cautionary tale to others, but have struggled because of embarrassment and shame, and sometimes fear and anxiety. Sometimes the individual with whom they have connected intimately continues to be an active member of the forum. Sometimes individuals decide to take distance or leave the forum in order to give themselves space. I wanted to shine some light on this issue so that members who have struggled with a similar experience do not need to bear the burden alone.
To be clear, this is not about naming and shaming and it is not to suggest there are predators. Vigilantism will not be tolerated. Breaches of Talking Sober Guideline 7: “This is not a dating site - refrain from asking about dates or hookups in public or private message.” *(Talking Sober Rules and Guidelines) can and will be dealt with by the team of moderators, if they are made aware by flagging or by PM. This is about those vague, consensual interactions between two people, where one or both are in a particular emotionally vulnerable place due to their phase of recovery and where mutual support turns more intimate.
Seeking friendship and mutual support in recovery is positive and encouraged - it is what this forum is all about. But sometimes these relationships, either through private message or off-forum communications can go down a road of a more intimate connection. Although there is regular advice given about people not dating/seeking relationships in early sobriety, sometimes those that are already in real life relationships or those that do not necessarily see online romantic chatting as “dating” seem to not make the connection that virtual intimate connections can be problematic to their own (or indeed the other person’s) recovery.
I would like to ask people to be mindful and respectful that many people here have a degree of vulnerability and that damage can be caused when boundaries are crossed. Sometimes a person’s actions of seeking out an emotional or romantic connection with another can become an unhealthy distraction and have a negative impact on both parties’ recovery process, sobriety and emotional well being. I hope we can all be mindful of intentions and be cautious about shifting private conversations to a flirtatious or romantic direction - even if apparently welcome at one time, it can later have a negative impact on one or both individuals.
As always, if anyone feels as though someone crosses a boundary or makes them feel uncomfortable, please feel free to contact a moderator or simply flag the PM.
And please be aware that anyone finding themselves in this situation does not need to bear the burden alone. My inbox is always open to anyone seeking support or resources.
Honestly now that I’m sober I don’t think I’ll ever really need another human by my side, I’m perfectly content and other people bring drama, I don’t need anything pushing me into relapse. Making friends is what I’m after at LEAST for the first year of my sobriety. Not dealing with that nonsense.
Good to know! Thank you so much!
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