That’s awesome, Dana! I’ve been there before. Holding on to resentment is a poison.
I had an employer right out of grad school who was a terrible businessman. He thought he could just hire an associate and make a ton of money. He didn’t have a marketing plan or even know how to run a business. My family moved all the way up there, signed a year lease on a house, began to get to know people, made friends, etc. Then 5 weeks later, he fires me. His wife told my wife all the trivial crap that they’d held onto about me and spewed it all at her. They actually fired me because they couldn’t afford me, but they were too proud to admit it to my wife and so gave her a ton of excuses why I wasn’t good enough.
It really damaged our relationship. Not just that, but it damaged us financially. I had to take a job an hour away and commute for 3 months. Then we had to pay double rent because we couldn’t get anyone into the other house. My new employer was furious for me about what that guy had done and proposed to sink him by creating a ton of fake online accounts and writing a bunch of bad reviews.
I have to be honest, it took a lot of will power to not take him up on that. It took me years to forgive that old boss. It filled me with rage to think about it for a long time. I finally decided to forgive them. They obviously had their own problems. Running a business that wasn’t doing well, probably fighting about money all the time, etc. Now it’s just pity.
If we try to see things from the other sides eyes, you begin to feel sorry for them. You become empathetic toward them.
Wow that must’ve taken some seriouse strength and inner work to not follow thru. But realistically how much better of a person would u have been if u had followed thru with doing that. U were the bigger person. And I do believe 100% that people get back what they deserve… karma.
To be honest, I haven’t read this whole thread, only the first dozen or so comments …
With that said. Thank you for making this.
I was a trafficked person, who was recorded while underage. And I am sure I am still online somewhere. But thankfully ive never come across any. I used to search what I thought the tags would be so I could report them…but it became too much to deal with. So these days I don’t look at any sites.
I still struggle with ever wanting to be intimate with anyone and oftentimes my mind wanders to a time when i HAD to…and i just clench my jaw and wait.
There are millions of people in trafficking situations still, and many of them are trafficked for their bodies. I always go back to that time in my life when I see porn…
Thank you so much for sharing your storry!
I can’t express my sympathy right but I am very proud that you are here and you are sober!
Hugs, if you would like one
I have a very critical opinion regarding porn in the meantime…
Reading these background storries here, once more and from another point of view.
To be honest, I was triggered by porn very early, like 13, 14 and I think all men I was with, too.
So I was into rough and bdsm sex repetitive. Triggering my toxic addicted system.
Despite of the terrible dark world behind, it confuses our view on intimacy so much.
Detoxing from all this shit,
helps to be so much more sensitive!!!
Will scroll through this thread to get more information next days.
Unfortunately this is the sad story of a huge part of the industry. It thrives on using and abusing the talent. They make big money by getting disposable/easily replaceable actors/actresses. It’s very sad. I’m sorry for your suffering that you went through and if I, in any way, contributed toward it by my consumption.
You’re right it is the sad reality of a huge part of the industry.
I was sold to a drug dealer by my “brother” (my sister’s baby daddy) because he didn’t have money to pay for his habit.
I was kept there by a chain, and being drugged when i fought.
I was 14 years old.
After a few months I was just there. Wishing to die. I was done begging and fighting.
I was let go because I was in Florida, and the person who owned me thought i was pregnant, and under 15 in Florida is an automatic investigation. So he dumped me back “home” where i was promptly kicked out for telling my sister what her boyfriend did. (He told everyone I ran away)
There were other girls who came and went. But they left with other guys, so maybe they are still owned or maybe they died, or maybe they escaped. But none of us had names. We all were “bitch”
Thank you for giving me a space to tell my story and not feel completely alone in my experience
That’s heartbreaking. I can’t say that I can relate to you in any way. But, I do hope and pray for you to find healing and real love in your life. People who care about you and want what’s best for you. I do know, however, that healing is possible. I’ve talked to countless people who have had trauma in their lives. Time doesn’t necessarily heal all, but talking about it, understanding yourself and your relationship with your Higher Power/God absolutely does.
I appreciate a space to tell my story. The other side of things so to speak. What’s portrayed in videos is almost never the reality of the situation.
I do think the worst withdrawals I have ever dealt with were from whatever drug was there to control me.
I have never used an IV drug because of it. So i suppose that’s a silver lining…
If anyone has questions or comments I’ll answer (without details so as not to trigger anyone)
How did I get into the situation?
How long was I there?
What drugs did he sell/control me with?
Do I know his name? (The guy who owned me)
Why didn’t I go to the police?
Etc.
Not sure if these have been posted or if this is even the right place, but I follow and support (sometimes with money, others with sharing info) a few causes…
They are
RAINN
EndIt Movement
A21
And a few others I can t think of off the top of my head…may add later
They are organizations that help people who have been in my situation. And I really wish that I had known about them when I was in the midst of it.
This thread has been a really powerful read for me as part of my recovery from PMO and I will be back here to read and view the resources made available.
As I sit here, I feel sorrow and shame for consuming something that blights so many lives. It’s been part of my life for so long and one day at a time I am leaving it behind.
Hey honestly… there is no need to feel shame. I understand why u may feel this way but honestly my friend, we just all wanted to feel okay in our own skins. There were reasons behind our addictions. U may have felt that u were consuming something that also hurts alot of people, but i think in every addiction, that occurs. The drug dealers that sell drugs that hurt people. Or for myself, the sex i sold for money which unfortunately enabled the behavior of the men i saw, all while directly or indirectly hurting their families at the same time. Basically what im saying, is that we all end up hurting people and most of the time not intentionally. We are all unwell while in our addictions. Also, most men that i spoke to at John school, mentioned that they thought the woman they saw, enjoyed being in that line of work or emjoyed doing porn. The sex industry often portrays woman as enjoying it or is often thought of as being consensual bcuz money is involved. When i started sex work, i was under the impression that bcuz what i was doing was paid for, i had no say if something crossed the line. I learned very quickly that i had rights, even as a woman being paid. But yet the industry is often shown that once money is exchanged, its a free for all. Please dont feel bad we did what we did bcuz we have addictions. We are working on ourselves now. Thats all that matters
I hear you. I know that shame, I’ve had it too. What is done is done. You’ve brought it to light, which is great! It’s definitely a step in recovery. You understand what devastation you’ve taken part in. It’s horrid but it’s needed too.
Next thing is to forgive yourself, and I kid you not, it’s vital. Nothing breaks down shame like giving and receiving forgiveness.
Very very true! We have to forgive ourselves for things we feel shame over. Its crucial for our recoveries. Shame keeps us sick It creates that cycle of wanting to fall back into our addictions. Shame can create the urge to return to old behaviors, which in turn creates more shame. And it keeps us trapped. Forgiveness can be very freeing. Im glad we are oll on the path of recovery together No matter what our addictions, we all share in the fact that we want to better ourselves
I also don’t think you should beat yourself up. Things have happened in the past, and we have all made decisions that we aren’t proud of especially when we look back from a more clear headed point of view.
We must all learn the art of forgiveness. For ourselves at least, and for others when/if we are able.
Just work on doing what’s best for you moving forward. You can’t change the past. When we know better, we do better.
You’re a damaged person. You are also a victim in this scenario. Everyone involved can be considered a victim honestly. The more I go through recovery, the more I realize that the bad guys are only the way they are because of a series of horrible events. No one goes from being a genuinely good, moral person to deciding to sell people. There’s a descent into darkness that leads them there.
And I feel bad for them. They are damaged, just like me. Right?
This right here is perfectly worded! Its actually what i would think about when it came to forgiveness to those that hurt me. We were literally all damaged people.
Looking at life through that lens helps me to never be too harsh with people. There’s always something going on in someone’s life that they are having difficulty managing. If they project their frustrations, I can at least be someone that doesn’t worsen their day.
honestly… there is no need to feel shame. I understand why u may feel this way but honestly my friend, we just all wanted to feel okay in our own skins. There were reasons behind our addictions. U may have felt that u were consuming something that also hurts alot of people, but i think in every addiction, that occurs. The drug dealers that sell drugs that hurt people. Or for myself, the sex i sold for money which unfortunately enabled the behavior of the men i saw, all while directly or indirectly hurting their families at the same time. Basically what im saying, is that we all end up hurting people and most of the time not intentionally. We are all unwell while in our addictions. Also, most men that i spoke to at John school, mentioned that they thought the woman they saw, enjoyed being in that line of work or emjoyed doing porn. The sex industry often portrays woman as enjoying it or is often thought of as being consensual bcuz money is involved. When i started sex work, i was under the impression that bcuz what i was doing was paid for, i had no say if something crossed the line. I learned very quickly that i had rights, even as a woman being paid. But yet the industry is often shown that once money is exchanged, its a free for all. Please dont feel bad 
It creates that cycle of wanting to fall back into our addictions. Shame can create the urge to return to old behaviors, which in turn creates more shame. And it keeps us trapped. Forgiveness can be very freeing. Im glad we are oll on the path of recovery together No matter what our addictions, we all share in the fact that we want to better ourselves