I decided to take a gander back at my 90 days post this morning, and I am glad for it. I’ll link it here if you’re curious. So much is still relevant – I am now, more than ever, grateful that I can take each day as it comes and that I just have to stay sober today. One Day At A TIME! ODAAT. This way of thinking and living has helped me not only to stay sober, but to live fully present in the now (okay, maybe not FULLY fully, but you catch my drift), it has helped me with my tendency to ruminate on the past and worry about the future. A backward focus leads me to depressive episodes and a forward focus leads me to anxiety. An oversimplification, but if I temper every worry about the future with the knowledge that I only need be concerned, really, with what I am doing right now, it helps alleviate anxiety that has plagued me forever. Worry and anxiety is still part of my life, but living ODAAT in sobriety has given me the most powerful tool in my toolbox for managing it. And if I can release the troubling feelings I have about the past with that same knowledge, I can begin to let things go (this part is requiring some additional heavy lifting through therapy, but the process has started).
90 days ago, I was contemplating how I would handle life’s trials and low points, projecting forward to the death of my dog and myriad other hard life things that can happen. Well, I now have evidence that I can survive grief and loss without drinking, imagine that!? I am so grateful that I worked my recovery and was sober for the last 4 months of my dog’s life, was with him through his last moments helping him transition, and took care of his body afterward, a body that had brought me over 9 years of comfort, companionship, and the unconditional love that a dog provides. I was intentional about the grieving process and used as many tools as I could find or come up with to process the emotions and experiences upon and following his death. He was like my first child, albeit a furry one, but it was tremendous heartbreak, relief, joy, laughter, immense sadness, and simply a huge life change. So much stuff! I had to give myself space to feel the feels, and did worry about my recovery at times. For me, recovery is not just about sobriety, but my mental health in general. The huge weight that was lifted when Chucho died on January 10, all of that stress with his illness and caring for him in his decline, the uncertainty of how long he had left, making the decision to help his passing at the vet but then he passed at home the night before that could happen…all of that release of tension left me feeling at ease, at peace. But then the clouds started rolling in. They show up, wispy at first, then thicker, maybe a clear day, then darkness. But I did not have to drink. I knew those clouds. I didn’t necessarily know what to do instead, but I had alternatives and I tried them. I tried my damnedest and finally got an appointment with a doctor. I decided to try an antidepressant medication. I reestablished connection with therapy. I was kind and gentle with myself and spent more time in bed, focused on what I could do instead of what I should do. I asked my husband for help. I connected with my supports and told them what was going on. I talked about it on TS, got so much support and am so grateful for you TS amigos, I can’t say it enough. Ultimately, I chose to be sober, every damn day. And I started feeling better. So good, in fact, that I just had the best week that I can remember ever having. And I am sober today, at 180 days. And hot damn! That feels good!
