Trigger warning: health issues and health anxiety/trauma
Just need to vent about my day
Yesterday I started having shaking in my left arm and it progressed to pain, hand weakness, and tingling. I started panicking because I have panic disorder of course so figured I’d take my medication and see if it all calmed down because maybe it was panic manifesting in my body but in the back of my mind I thought something was up. The meds didn’t work to take the arm issues away and just lowered my heart rate so I got more scared because I thought I had done it. I had done enough whippets to start nerve damage.
I went to the ER, they did tests but after waiting 6 hours and never seeing anyone, I left figuring if it got worse I’d go back or call 911 since I live 2 minutes from the hospital. I decided to see what some sleep would do for me. I woke up today and the pain was worse so I went to urgent care thinking they could actually see me and figure it out based on the tests done in the er hours earlier.
They came back though and thought I had a blood clot which scared the everliving hell out of me because I have had 2 pulmonary embolisms before and almost died from them and am therefore a higher risk for them now and obviously scared to death of them. (Also scared when I hear clots because they did so many tests on me when I had them, that the doctor told me I’m guaranteed to get breast cancer at this point but that’s a story for another day) Thank the universe though it wasn’t that! But. because of whippet use, they made me go back to the emergency room and told me to stay through the wait to get checked out because it was looking like nerve damage if it’s not a clot and that’s a ticking clock.
I rush myself over to the emergency room once again balling my eyes out, blood pressure through the roof and after 4 hours of waiting, I was seen by this guy who looked just like Sean Astin who told me he doesn’t know why urgent care put the fear of god in me about the nerve damage because from his assessment, I messed up my rotator cuff. He thinks that’s whats causing pain and possibly pinched a nerve explaining literally everything. He said he doesn’t think it has anything to do with whippets and gave me a course of steroids and sent me on my way. I was a little stunned that it could be something so simple and also skeptical still, what if he missed something and what if I’ve really caused damage to myself? But I’m going with the rotator cuff path for now and hopefully the steroids help and I’m all set.
It was such a rollercoaster though from omg I did too much that one time a few weeks ago when my lips turned blue and have permanent damage from that now, to, nope I have another blood clot that is close to my heart and that will kill me and then another turn to, oh god, back to nerve damage and ending on the loop with rotator cuff.
I’m so thankful that it is that and nothing more but because of my health trauma I am scared that they missed something and that maybe I did hurt my body with whippets and they don’t see it. I’m taking this though as the universe teaching me a lesson like Scrooge being visited by the ghost of Christmas future to show me if I backslide, that’s where I could find myself and instead of rotator cuff issues, it could be nerve damage for real. I imagine my Nana looking down on me wanting to hit me with a wet noodle because I went off the deep end with whippets like this for having my first Christmas without her and not wanting to experience that.
Today I am going on day 4 without them and I feel great about that and that I don’t have nerve issues and that I have gotten my sign I think, from my Nana to cut the sh*t and live for her not almost kill myself because I miss her.
Grief and depression for my Nana drove me to the excessive whippets but now the love for my Nana and not wanting to disappoint her and my Papa, will help keep me on this path to a nitrous free life like I had before.
