Seeking Advice - Not drinking when others are

Advice & Questions
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Not sure what category this comes under so just posting it here; but I am seeking some help or advice.

I joined here yesterday to start my sobriety journey after a bad binge drinking episode on Monday that caused me to seemingly completely mentally break. I turned into someone I did not want to be, while under the influence, and did a lot of questionable things I would never have done sober, and am still embarrassed about. I was told by my partner that I was acting as though I was on hard drugs, which is appalling.

As such, my partner and I agreed that I will no longer be drinking in the house - and for the time being, not at all. There may be reconsideration in the future, but for the foreseeable future, sobriety is my only option.

Tonight, he asked me to get him some beers. I do not mind this, as he very rarely drinks (maybe 2/3 times per year). However, I am looking for support on how to cope with the inevitable feeling of “being left out” and the potential frustration while being around alcohol and not taking part.

I logically understand why I want to be sober, but am worried about my emotional response when he begins drinking later tonight. Does anyone have any suggestions or advice on how to cope when being actively around someone else drinking; and not being able/not wanting to?

I also have concerns as there is a Christmas work night out coming up in December. I live in Scotland, where alcohol is very much seen as part of the culture; and the night itself involves a meal and drinks at a casino, then heading to a nightclub until very late.

I do not gamble and have never enjoyed gambling, so have no concerns there, but am worried that I will either be noticed by my coworkers for not drinking and goaded into doing so, or giving in, losing control and ending up drunk. I simply cannot do something foolish or dangerous around coworkers, as it could very easily lose my my job. I love my job, so do not want to jeopardise this. Again, I logically understand my desire for sobriety, but am unsure of how to stay strong and not drink when everyone else is.

Love and appreciation for any advice,
-littleblacklight

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Howdy @littleblacklight, welcome to the show!

What if you didn’t go? That is always an option.

I mean, that’s walking into the lion’s den, and being sober for a couple of weeks by then, sounds no fun at all!

When I first got sober, I broke all plans I had made before; concerts, parties, gatherings etc. I am glad I did too, because I know I would have convinced myself to drink “It’s only been 2 weeks, I can start again…” - I feel I made the best decision in order to support my sobriety. When I felt I gained enough tools, I began to participate in these types events.

Check out this post: You Don’t Have to Go!

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You might need to set some hard boundaries on what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with. You mentioned picking up beer for your partner because he asked you to. But then you went onto say that this didn’t bother you… If it truly didn’t bother you, is it even worth mentioning?

You’ll have to do a little soul searching to figure out what is ok and not ok for you. You have to do this relatively quickly so that no habits are formed that put you in the position of being uncomfortable. For instance, if you’re buying beer for him now and you do this for a month or so with no real issues, one day it might become an issue. You might have a strong urge to drink and you might tell your partner that you can’t go into the store for him. He might be confused and or annoyed, etc, because you’ve done it so many times before without issues…

I don’t know how you and your partner communicate, or if that’s ever been an issue for the both of you. But I will say, early sobriety is very tough if you’re serious about committing. The guilt of what you did is going to go away, the shame and guilt will fade and you will have urges to drink. Culture or no, I’ve met people on this app from Ireland and other “drinking culture” countries who have years of sobriety because they knew that destroying themselves with alcohol wasn’t an option for them anymore.

All in all, I would suggest listening to your heart and your gut. And maybe try doing a Cost/Benefit Analysis of your alcohol use. SMART Recovery has a good template for this. Take care.

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Hey there and welcome! I’m in a similar boat of having numerous work functions where alcohol is the norm; I have an ally who I stick with and makes sure that if somebody starts trying to pressure me, they step in. I also usually have a NA drink that looks similar to one with booze (tonic and lime; cranberry and seltzer; etc) - and nobody notices as the night goes on bc they’re too involved in themselves.

Just come up with a plan, and then remind yourself why sobriety is what you’ve chosen; it can be tempting to give in to “oh, it’s just one night - I can self limit” - but you know this road and where it leads.

And always feel free to reach out if you’re stuck - we can pull you out of the rut!