You don't have to go - strategies to protect your sobriety

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It’s that time of year again.

You’re newly sober and begining to work on your recovery. You’ve been invited to a wedding, or a birthday party, Halloween party, or Christmas party, what should you do?

On one hand, you don’t want to risk your sobriety. On the other, you don’t want to disappoint your friends or family. So what’s the right thing to do?

If you have any doubt at all, the choice is clear, don’t go! Invitations always have a decline option.

We often times want to please people and so we feel compelled to submit to their requests, even when we know it may be harmful to ourselves. Empower yourself by not allowing others to choose your path, you are in charge of your own destiny.

"But… I have to go"

I’ve heard this so many times. "I have no choice, I have to go. "

First off, yes, you do have a choice, we ALWAYS have a choice, almost. The only wedding I couldn’t get out of was my own. :laughing:

But if you believe you truly don’t have a choice, here’s some strategies to help.

For weddings:

  1. Attend the wedding ceremony, skip the reception.

  2. If dinner was already ordered, go to the reception, eat dinner, dip out after. The old eat and run.

For work holiday parties: Sometimes it’s strongly recommended you go, especially if you’re management.

  1. Tell your boss you have a scheduling conflict ahead of time and you can go but you have to dip out early.

For general parties and get togethers:

  1. Give yourself a time limit, like 45 minutes max.
  2. Use a scheduling conflict as an excuse, like having to pick up an Aunt from the airport or having to babysit your sister’s kids.

For future invites: decline with grace but be firm in your conviction.

A response I’ll be using this year is this:

Thank you for the invite, I appreciate you thinking of me, unfortunately I am not able to attend, but I’d love to send you something, can I get your address?

And then I’ll send a sausage and cheese basket or something.

In conclusion, if there is the one takeaway, it is this.

You must protect your sobriety by any means, even if that means disappointing your friends, family and peers. You are in control of your life and no one can put you in a position you don’t want to be in.

And besides, the person they invited to the party, it was the old you, and that person is gone now, right? :wink:

Bottom line is: the world will not end if you don’t go, life will go on.

Have a story? a suggestion? Please share.

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@HoofHearted, excellent recommendations especially for me in early sobriety and getting to that time of the year there are several gatherings/events/parties. Also, “Costa Rican summer” is coming up and there’ll be many invitations to the beach :beach_umbrella: which has always been headlined by drinking for me.

I’m learning that whenever I think I MUST be somewhere that jeopardizes my sobriety, then my ego is in charge and I’m on a slippery slope. For me, for now better not to go and if I have to go, go with someone to help me protect my sobriety and if not possible, have an exit strategy.

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And that wouldn’t be the first or last time I’ll do that…

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Best thing I started practicing in my sobriety is saying “no”. It gets easier the more you do it, and the more you say no and support yourself, the more you trust and love yourself.

Great thread :slight_smile:

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This is key! Having a plan and knowing when to execute it is the difference between another sober day and a hangover (or worse).

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Same!! I love that I now value myself (my health and wellbeing) over what others think of me. Saying “no” is so empowering. :grin:

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Yessir.

If you’re newly sober and the idea of the gathering is giving you any doubt or second thoughts, just don’t go. Your sobriety is your cub to protect, be the fierce den mother you gotta be to protect it.

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I’d love to go, but I have to do my dry cleaning on whatever day your event is on. Shucks!

And i would be my pleasure to send you a basket, seriously. :grin:

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Great topic.
When in doubt? Don’t go!
If you’re over thinking it? Don’t go!
Be selfish to your sobriety. And don’t go!
You. Don’t. Have. To. Go!

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For me personally, I make my choices of going or not going to an event/party etc purely on whether I want to or not. Alcohol and my sobriety doesn’t affect my choice. For me, I’ve made the decision to stop drinking and I’ve also made the decision to live my life whilst accepting that alcohol is around and will be involved and that I will not be drinking it. So, for me, from day one I’ve just carried on as normal but just not drunk. Already done 1 party, 1 birthday at a restaurant and been to a works leaving do. None have been difficult for me as I, having changed my mindset, made a clear decision that I’m sticking to. It’s fairly simple for me- yes there’s alcohol available, no I don’t want it.

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That was my exact attitude my first go at sobriety. I didn’t let sobriety get in the way of living my life the way I saw fit. I went to parties, I went to bars, I hung out with friends. I did all that, I just didn’t drink. I was in control and invincible, that is, until I wasn’t. Call it arrogance, call it hubris. Whatever it was, it didn’t work. It took 2 months before I was drinking again. After 8 months of drinking and now unemployed, I tried again, and this time I realized some things. I realized I am not as smart as I thought I was. I am not as strong as I thought I was. I needed to learn from people who have been successful. I needed to change my lifestyle.

I don’t go to parties anymore. I don’t go to bars anymore. Not because I am avoiding alcohol out of fear, but because I don’t want to; I don’t need to. It took a lot of saying no to get to this point and I am perfectly content.

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I too have been learning from people who have succeeded, that’s why I’m taking this approach. I’ve also heard many people, like yourself, who didn’t do so well in being in such situations. I don’t consider myself invincible, if only! I have followed a nd still am, a path that has helped so many others though. A change of mindset is key. Then it’s simply get on with life. I’m neither avoiding or deliberately seeking situations. They come up when they do. I go if I want, I don’t if I don’t. Alcohol, for me, don’t come into it- I’ve got rid of it from my life. This is just my path. We’ve all got our own way. Long as we’re all ok eh? Great thread :+1:

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Ctrl + F = “explosive diarrhoea”
Return = “not found”

I think you might have missed the only excuse you’ll ever need to avoid any social situation of your choosing.
Really should’ve opened with that one @HoofHearted
:boom::poop:

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Yes, that works.

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I learnt that one from the master.
You have a deep wisdom.
:+1:

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I’ll never forget one moment I had - it was probably my most courageous moment I’ve ever had in my life and looking back I have no idea how I did it or why I made such a big deal about it. But I thank myself every day that I did.

I was 22 years old and went to a bar with a friend or two and a bunch of colleagues from work. Most of them were older and we lived in a small cold town where the only thing people really did for entertainment was drink. I’d told myself I’d go so that I didn’t seem like a stuck up prat but that under no circumstance was I to drink any alcohol.

First bar I ordered a root beer and I enjoyed some good conversation. Two - three drinks in the group decided to head down the street to a different bar and I thought it would be a good time to leave, but they grabbed me and dragged me in. Not wanting to cause a fight I went along but swore I wouldn’t drink. Once they ordered shots and tried hard to get me to drink I stood up and I remember saying these words far too loudly (the whole bar heard me):

“No means no. I’m not going to let you pressure me into doing something that I don’t want to do and I am not going to let you change me into someone that I’m not anymore. Here’s your cab money” (knowing I wasn’t drinking I had also volunteered to be DD for the night) and I dropped a 20 on the counter for them. The other patrons not in our group applauded me as I walked out and I will never forget that rush of support and satisfaction that I got from doing what I knew to be right.

So I went home alone at 930pm and I didn’t have a drop of alcohol. The next little while at work people tiptoed a little but once they realized I didn’t hold any grudge against them they respected me that much more.

As proud as I am for being able to actually say no under pressure, I have no desire to ever go back into a bar again - and I will always say no to a social event where drinking is the primary focus. (Though I tend towards declining most social invitation already - I’m just a bit antisocial)

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I was told there’s only 2 events I need to be at. My wedding and my funeral. And I’m not having anymore weddings. I understand the positive feelings of sobriety and all of a sudden wanting to be present, but as addicts and alcoholics we’ve typically abandoned these types of events for years and if we were there people probably wanted us to leave. If we miss a few more events it’s doubtful anyone is going to notice, let alone care. Addicts and alcoholics love thinking the world revolves around us, but typically our presence is not required at anything.

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That world revolves around us line is a beauty and is something I have to remind myself of regularly, not just in regard to events.

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Last weekend was my first real dinner party with our friends since COVID started, and since I went sober. They all drink wine. It was all around, and my wife and I were the only ones not partaking of the grape. Truth is, I was enjoying our friends and good food so much I didn’t care at all about the wine, and there was no pressure or even questions from anyone.

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I was just starting to feel anxiety about the holidays and you posted this! I don’t think I’ve ever been sober through the holidays since I was old enough to drink. Thank you for writing this :blush:

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