Hi, all. I’ve been reluctant to post this, but it’s just been on my mind too much lately and I have to talk about this. It’s somewhat personal, and many won’t consider this a “real” problem.
I feel that if I don’t do something about my self-esteem I will never have long term sobriety. The only time I feel like I accept myself is when I’m intoxicated. I know I’m going to feel worse in the morning, but sometimes I just want to take an evening to feel like I’m okay for a few hours.
The problem is, I have lots of great qualities, but the one I don’t have is that I’m not physically attractive. Seriously, that cripples my self esteem more than you might think. That’s why I never post selfies. No matter how many meetings I go to, or get a sponsor, or a Higher Power, the real problem will never go away.
Any ideas?
Why would you think youre unattractive? Thats my first question. What defines attractive is different to each and every one of us. Everyday look in the mirror and pick out one thing you like about yourself physically. We tend to spend way to much time comparing ourselves to others. Love who you are. Do stuff that makes you feel loved!
Therapy. I’ve been having similar issues with self-worth and confidence so I went back to therapy. We are currently working on positive mantras. I know sounds a bit stupid but it seems to be effective.
I’m 50, only had one girlfriend in my life, and that was 23 years ago.
No, it’s pretty much unanimous in my case. Seriously, I look like I was put together with rejected Mr. Potato Head parts.
But you are very kind, thank you for getting back to me!
I was seeing a therapist briefly before the virus hit and they stopped doing in person meetings. I can’t tell if they were helping because we only had 3 sessions before it all stopped.
Girl friends are over rated. Lol. Keep your head up! Confidence is key, if you can’t love yourself noone else can either. We all have our faults. Inside and out. My cousin was born withput legs and only I arm and 1 finger. He is now a model and is dating a model. You just never know. He’s comfortable in his own skin. You should work on that first!!!
It’s definitely a process. I know for me I have to put effort in to making it work. As a drug addict I am a master of manipulation. I would have no problem doing it to a therapist. So I have to be very vigilant that I’m investing in the process.
This may not be much help but I believe a lot of us feel that way. I know I did. I’m 60 now and frankly I don’t give a shit anymore how I look. My wife did or does. Some of my kids feel that way too. I know lots of people with that issue.
With that said I think my sobriety has help a lot in my self esteem department. Drinking makes you feel good. But it isn’t you. It’s not who you are at all. I find I’m afraid to try and tackle the littlest of things. Then I procrastinate for a really long time and try fixing the task at hand and it wasn’t so hard. I’ve been teased all my life about many parts of my body. Witch toes. I got size 16 feet. Have had since I was in high school. I been able to laugh it off and laugh at me self. But even so. It still hurts and affects our self esteem. Wish I had answers for ya. But being sober is helping me finally be me.
Boy do I hate it when my therapist says how good we are doing. Or when he says that I’m a good father and a good husband.
Pftttttt. He still doesn’t know me
The man apparently has the face of a model, which is something I do not have going for me. It’s hard to “just have confidence” when there’s really anything externally to be confident about.
I think you are probably not as unattractive as you think. I am not going to crazy flatter you by saying you are some kind of hunk, when I don’t know, but flaws always look bigger to the person who has them. There are people who genuinely look very different from the norm, and yet still have a nice smile / eyes, etc, to be attractive in their own way. But that attitude of hating some part of yourself, being negative, can be unattractive, but you change it with, as other people have said, therapy. And that change of attitude will make you more attractive. I haven’t posted a selfie for the same reason, and usually have the video off in online meetings.
Awe, this makes me sad You said it yourself, you have a lot of great qualities. I’m the type of person who can find beauty in everyone. I actually usually find “abnormalities” attractive (crooked teeth, big noses, lazy eyes) bc it makes people different. And if I cant, which is rare(like theres literally, maybe, 1 person I dont like), its because they’re an a$$#ole. It truly doesnt matter how you look. Believe me, being pretty is not all its chalked up to be. It’s how you treat others. Real people see what’s on the inside. I was bullied a lot growing up, and it made me very shy during school. But as i got older i realized it didn’t matter what any other person thought about me. All that mattered is what I thought about myself. And it turned out to be good things, for a while, until I was consumed with alcoholism. No matter what, picking up a bottle will make the problems bigger in your mind (no one else is thinking worse things about you than you). I’m sorry this isn’t really advice, and I’m not sure where you could turn for help, but you deserve to be happy
I think everyone has there own special ways, things, about themselves that make them attractive to people. True story there was this girl that for whatever reason she was attracted to me, nice looking chick never understood it but she was, she could have any guy but she kept chasing me around. Funny but true, so the only idea i can give you is be yourself and when you least expect it, that person will be right infront of your face asking you out, not like that but something like that lol if it makes sense.
I’m glad you’re staying sober, bc that helps everything mentally. And I just could relate about those bad feelings towards ones self. We are our toughest critic. I know I don’t know much about you, or your story, but your post sounded to me so much like my little brother. He’s got just over a year sober and finally found his first girlfriend, at 30. I lived with him at his worst, 4 years ago, and heard the things he said about himself, and what he thought people thought of him. But it was just delusions. I know hes a good person but his self esteem was in the negatives and I could never figure out why. It pains me so much to think people can have such a low value of themselves. I just think we’re all equal. We’re all human. Trying to exist. Just like any other creature on this earth. Chin up. You dont need someone else to show your worth. You’re already worth it. You just have to believe that
Well, maybe try to get back into your therapy like @Gabe.G suggested. I’m sure you’ll get more out of it after 3 sessions. And tbh I know many physically ‘unattractive’ guys who become attractive bc of their personality and confidence. It takes work but it’s all about changing your perception of yourself.
You said it yourself, you have a lot of great qualities. I’m the type of person who can find beauty in everyone. I actually usually find “abnormalities” attractive (crooked teeth, big noses, lazy eyes) bc it makes people different. And if I cant, which is rare(like theres literally, maybe, 1 person I dont like), its because they’re an a$$#ole. It truly doesnt matter how you look. Believe me, being pretty is not all its chalked up to be. It’s how you treat others. Real people see what’s on the inside. I was bullied a lot growing up, and it made me very shy during school. But as i got older i realized it didn’t matter what any other person thought about me. All that mattered is what I thought about myself. And it turned out to be good things, for a while, until I was consumed with alcoholism. No matter what, picking up a bottle will make the problems bigger in your mind (no one else is thinking worse things about you than you). I’m sorry this isn’t really advice, and I’m not sure where you could turn for help, but you deserve to be happy 