So I struggled with self harm in so many ways for so long. I often didn’t even realize I was doing it. I used to do the obvious things… Cut, burn, isolate etc. But even the situations I got myself into. The abuse, the mistreated I allowed for most of my life. It was all some form of selfharm. I haven’t cut or directly self harmed in 10 years. I haven’t been in my abusive relationships or tolerated the mistreatment from others since I got clean and sober.
So wtf have I been having urges to cut? I can’t even explain it. It’s like the addict in me. I don’t really even have a reason. I don’t think there is anything that triggered me. Just out of nowhere I’ve started craving it. Possibly a form of control? Or the false sense is being in control… Am I so good at faking my emotions and pretending everything is okay that I’ve even convinced myself? I thought I was doing great. Relatively speaking. I have no reason to be having these thoughts… What’s wrong with me?
Have you thought of maybe you’re just bored?
Maybe try picking up a new hobby or an old one. Biking, swimming, coloring, sports, knitting. Change it up a bit. I know for me when I get complacent, nothing is wrong, no triggers, I crave just to do something, anything. I will take my son for a ride to the mountains for a day, just to change the scenery. Go to a lake or park…… Complacency can be a slow creeper up on us, and it is not recognizable.
I don’t have time to be bored lol I work 2 full-time jobs and have 3 kids playing softball my every minute is schedule… But maybe something for me wouldn’t be a bad idea.
As a self-harmer myself, there is nothing wrong with you!
Our brain it’s tricky and often recall self sabotage when things are going great just to mess with us. I hope that these urges stop, but if they don’t and you relapse it’s ok, recovery isn’t lineal and there’s a long way to go.
For the urges I recommend to squish ice in your hands, neck and back, another thing you can do is to use a rubber band as bracelet, stretching it up and release it so the rubber slaps your wrist, that produces pain like cutting but it’s not hurtful enough. I wish you the best❤️
I’ve not cut since 2019 more of a stress release it was bad a nurse said to me every time I get the urge to do it get an ice cube out of the freezer and use that instead of a razor and it’s worked well for me
She alll so said if no razor available or if out take some rubber bands to snap
But like you said our addictions are strange sometimes one gets replaced with another
Sending positive vibes your way keep up the good fight
I think you’re onto something there. You’re so busy taking care of others there’s no time left for you. In its totally messed up dysfunctional way, Self Harm is you time. Just like using our DOC’s was. Take care of you. Hugs.
Right… I used the rubber band for years… in high school and for many years after. It’s always seemed to help. It doesn’t seem to be working as well this time. Self sabotage seems likely. I do that often. Things have been so bad throughout my life… I’m always waiting did things to go wrong. The anticipation is draining. So I often end up destroying good things on my own…
Solid point… I don’t have an obsession rn… So I’m reverting to an old one. I used the rubber band thing for years. But it doesn’t seem to be helping as much this time around. Thank you!
In a way, it’s really not though.
Addiction is not there for no reason just like the absolute majority of mental illness. It’s not random. It speaks of a need and a wish. It might be the wrong way to attain it, but the psyche seeks to shelter and protect itself. As long as we don’t understand what the subconscious purpose of our addiction is, we won’t be rid of it! Make it conscious! Amazing group effort here!
hey well, the way I see it, you were at a loss why you had cravings. you sent a message out to a bunch of strangers. hi everyone, why is this happening to me? it makes no sense. you looked for determination outside. maybe in the pool of experiences the community has.
our dear Mno interpreted the context of your situation that you already provided, for us all to see, you have no time because you’re constantly busy, and he squared it with general human needs (everyone needs to look after themselves, everyone needs time, care and attention, from self and others) and he suggested that you might be wanting more time with yourself, me-time.
now, Mno doesn’t know you and neither do I, but you already put it out there for us to see, your wish was already visible, in your craving as well as in your post.
addiction and other symptoms are like sign language. the wishes of the soul show themselved but in weird and transformed ways, sometimes even as “the opposite”. as in your case, self harm as (a twisted version of) self care.
I think we mostly need to explore our insides, our feelings and beliefs, to understand more about ourselves and our addictions. to think of is as a random sickness, even better genetically predisposed (not saying you do, just that I see this a lot) I don’t think is very helpful.
hope you can take something away from this. you’re doing great, thanks for sharing your journey!
EDIT to say that there’s obvs nothing wrong with asking the community for advice! just that the anwers mostly lie in us.
I agree . I am just also well aware that I can’t always see it. And I need an outside perspective.
You’re quite right. I do crave me time… Often it’s not necessarily alone time. But time for me. But then I feel guilty if I do it. Often I feel guilty just for thinking it or feeling it at all. I’m getting better about it tho. I think.
hey yeah absolutely, I know what you mean. we need this other, outer person or persons to point us to what we already know somewhere inside us, to acknowledge it, begin to feel it, decide how we find it (like you say for example, you feel guilty about it)… that’s exactly what happens in therapy. someone else listens and mirrors back to you what you’re giving out, verbally, body language etc. so you can see it more clearly and can begin to integrate it with the rest of you.
are you in therapy? it’s very beneficial if you can’t determine your own needs so well yet. I am. I used to not feel anything I needed, wanted, didn’t want, nothing. it helps though. we can learn it.
Well I was. That too has slipped with my schedule. I have peer coaches. Substance abuse counselors. Trauma counselors. Peer counselor. And I haven’t been in a month. It’s been hectic and I usually end up sleeping and missing her call…
Idk… I guess in the grand scheme of things I’ve never been the focus of anyone. Including myself. (aside from my abuser and if course that attention wasn’t desired or helpful) I guess I crave the love and attention that I can’t even seem to give myself… Slef sabatoge… Something I seem to be very good at.
I feel you. maybe it’s time to flip priorities and put yourself into focus again. pick up your therapy again and maybe see one of the counsellors too.
it makes me so sad what you say about the abuse being attention and focus, and I think there is some big fat truth in that. I have the feeling you are overripe with wanting to come to more understanding of these things. you’re so good at saying it, and you feel lost. understandably. these things are sad and big.
I think it would really benefit you to go back to therapy. something wants to come out of you, some feelings and realistations.
sending you a big hug girl.
I’ve had multiple therapists cry during our sessions and then remove themselves from my case and have me reassigned… I joke about it… Laugh it off. But when your therapists can’t handle you… it makes you feel like a special kind of broken.
you’re doing great, thanks for sharing your journey! 
. I am just also well aware that I can’t always see it. And I need an outside perspective.