My partner and I have mutually agreed that we need to trial it but struggling how with finances and living arrangements
We have children together and she says I have to leave- why is the man always the one who is expected to leave? Would this be the case even if I didn’t have an alcohol problem (I’m well aware this would be used in her favour)
Annoys me because
I paid the deposit of 12 grand
I earn the money
I do all the housework
I run the house (bills, laundry, gardening etc…)
we mutually share the childcare responsibilities due to work
Yepp, still in. And I left the house, as a woman. I paid the contract of marriage which we made last year to have an easier divorce. I also payed the marriage.
I had a lot of costs for the moving back to town, finding a new job and all in all it cost me a fortune!
I am low at money now, happy I stopped drinking almost 2 weeks ago.
It’s not easy, when I think of the mess, I could…! But instead of this, I go running.
But it is not easy at all.
Time will pass and my divorce will be in 10 days.
I really understand.
Sounds like a very tricky situation you’ve got there but if you’ve definitely decided that this is the way you both want to go then the practicalities are unfortunately a necessity. What is her reasoning that you should be the one to leave? It sounds like you are the mainstay of a stable household, is there a sensible rationale for why you should be the one to go? Can she afford to pay to run the house and provide for the children?
Is the house rented or mortgaged if you don’t mind me asking?
There is absolutely no reason why it should be assumed the man has to leave in this day and age, you have put in a lot and don’t deserve to lose it all, you are sober now and would have some good reasons to argue that you should be the one to stay from what I can see.
It’s not easy while trying to keep it stable for the children but if you were married the courts would ensure things are split fairly (I got divorced last year) mine and my husbands arrangement was changed by the court as it weighed too heavily in my favour despite the fact he was the one who actually asked for it to be the way we had presented it. There is no reason you should lose out just because you aren’t married.
In my eyes who can best provide a stable environment (physical and emotional) for the children without uprooting them if it can be avoided is the most important thing to be considered here. As a side note I have my children with me, previous alcohol problems are not a reason for it to be otherwise, you are sober now.
I separated from my ex and got sober ? we never got back together we had a cottage in Bishops Stortford which she sold a year later for 400k i had three companies at that time two i ran from my house , but sober was my goal at that time, no regrets 33 years later still sober new wife two sons and and a cat called Pus Pus four bed house no morgage so i did ok but i hope you get back together wish you well Darren.
Hi Darren sorry I can’t give any advice to u but I know how relationships suck especially when we are doing our best to be clean and soba x sending lots of love x x
I’d highly recommend you reframe your perspective and stop putting yourself in the center of this as the victim. You are the alcoholic, ergo, the liar, the hider, the emotionally unstable, the emotional and/or physical abuser, the manipulator, the one who blames others but takes no responsibility, the selfish one, the victim but not the perpetrator, the self sabotager, etc., etc. (Guess how I know this?).
In none of that list of qualities you think makes for a stable household for a child did you list caregiver, nuturing and emotionally stable parent. Money and cleaning a house mean nothing if you have a crazy dad who is a drunk. Believe me, I had one of those.
Give your kids the stability they need. Get sober, stay sober through this divorce, and then learn how to be a good dad, not a breadwinner.
No she wouldn’t be able to afford it but I’d obviously contribute as much as I could do
If we do decide to go down that route we are both good enough parents to do stuff civilly for the kids
As the other person said down the page suppose I have looked at this in a self centred manner, I’m not the model parent and she’d be able to provide the more stable home
When my husband and I were considering a divorce it was because of my behavior, so I would have been the one to leave. I do not feel like I would have been entitled to even half of what we built together, because I was the one who ripped it all apart with my addiction. My goals were simple- to stay sober and handle the potential separation with grace. I put my husband through hell, there was no reason to argue about objects.
We decided to stay together after a lot of hard work. I know that my demeanor during these conversations helped him see that I respected him and cherished the positive parts of our relationship.
Your response to @jms’s comments show a lot of growth Darren. I have a lot of respect for that. The guy I saw a year ago would have ripped that post apart. Keep working my friend, you are growing everyday.
If you genuinely feel that she can provide the more stable home and you are able to help her do that then you have your answer. If you don’t yet feel totally solid in your sobriety and question whether it could have an impact in the future then taking on the kids would be a no go for me.
You appear to have a very mature approach to the above comments which bodes well for your kids future, that’s great to hear. Hope you manage to sort it with the least pain possible for all involved x
Whatever will be easiest and best for the children should be what you strive for. You want to make this as seamless and comfortable as possible for the children. That should be your primary goal. Who is their primary caregiver? Who walks them to school or bus? Who is home after school? Who brings them to appointments etc. Keep your focus on the important part of this equation…your children…and out of your ego.
Your kids have already had to deal with the alcoholism, trying to keep the separation mindful and as pain free as possible should be the goal. They shouldn’t have to pay the price for our fuck ups…tho they do. Be gentle with yourself AND your partner and try to work together towards a positive outcome.
That said, I am sorry you are going thru this. Therapy can be helpful. Especially on learning how to coparent successfully.
I’m so sorry to hear of this difficult time for your family and you.
Given the circumstances, I think her logic of you being the one to leave is because you have the resources to provide for yourself, she does not. With kids and you being the provider, she probably feels that she would be more lost than you in navigating this new life style. I know it’s a pang in the gut and heart, but try to remember that you know your kids and wife are taken care of in the home.
I recommend family or couples therapy. I recently broke up with my fiance, and left our three step kids. (His kids) and gosh, I wish he would’ve agreed to couples therapy, maybe we wouldn’t be where we are now. I truly believe that marriage is a full time job , as is sobriety, and takes full time work! Nothing good comes easy. And we must take care of ourselves in order to be the best person for our loved ones.
Remember how far you’ve come in this recovery, where it’s been 1 day or 10 years, it’s still a full time job, and you’re moving forward every minute.
Hey Darren, I’m sorry to hear about your seperation. I’m going through one myself, for the second time. I’m kinda on the other end of things, where for a long while I didn’t feel my husband and I could separate because of our financial situation. I had sacrificed a lot of career growth to be home with my kids at all times and so my husband could excel in his career.
I own my home as well by myself and have considered moving out so him and the kids could stay here… Like if he wasn’t going to willingly pay his part. I just want my kids to be stable. Thankfully everything has been pretty amicable.
Our kids will be affected greatly by how we handle this and that should really be the main priority. We can rebuild our future, money will come and go it seems, just stay focused on what you want from life and how you want to be seen by your kids and you’ll do well.
