Today is day 776 for me, and it’s a hard one. Thank you to those of you who have already offered some advice. I went to the gym, called my sponsor, spent some time reading here, and about to grab a program book and read a passage or two. I feel a little better than I did a couple hours ago but I’m not back to 100%.
My wife and I have been invited to a wedding a few states away, it’s really a reunion for my college friend group. My wife has decided not to go, but I would like to go. I’ve traveled alone recently and did fine. I have a lot of tools at my disposal and I use them. On Friday night I mentioned the trip to my therapist and she asked if my wife was ok with me going to this wedding. I said that I thought so but would check. So when I got home, I asked my wife about it. She paused and said she hadn’t even thought about it, but that my other trips would have been more likely to be challenging and I did ok on those so this should be ok too. I told her to take the weekend to think about it anyway and let me know on Monday. Today is Monday. This morning she asked me if I was worried about acting out on the trip, and I said no. So she said to go ahead and book the flight. And ever since then I’ve felt this strong compulsion to look at porn.
It feels good to write it down here. I think I am feeling this way because I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid I’ll let my wife down, even though I have had multiple chances to do that in the last two years and consistently chose sobriety instead.
Thank you all for being here and encouraging me on this journey.
Hi @Saved, I like where you’re head is at, but without my phone I’d also have restricted access to my program. It would also be challenging for my wife, as we have my phone’s GPS setup so she can always see where I am, that gives her comfort and gives me additional accountability.
So, I dont know your religious background. But, as a christian, i absolutely believe that we are fed information and ideas from the other side. Both in the form of good and bad. A literal war for our soul is taking place without our ability to see.
It’s like in The Screwtape Letters. Demons do not tempt us when we’re sinning. They’re opportunistic. See a weakness and grasp it.
Hotel stays are the devil for me. My buddy is 7 years sober from PMO. And he admitted it was a struggle when he traveled for work a few months ago.
I would avoid a trip like that at all costs. But if I had no choice, I’d have a flawless sober plan in place. (Meetings every day, remove the TV from my room, etc.)
I am staying with friends, so I will have zero alone time. And when I travel for work, I always go in with a game plan for meetings and phone calls, early bedtime, etc.
I do believe in a higher power. My experiences have left me feeling a little jaded though. Like many, I think I struggle with blaming the God for the deeds of the followers. A few days ago I read, “I have learned that my Higher Power accepts and cares for me.” When I read this I felt frustrated because I often feel that either I don’t deserve God’s love or that God doesn’t care about me (the latter is my addiction twisting the former, as though I know God’s will). And yet, I know God does care for me. I am a day behind in The Real Connection, so this afternoon I read yesterday’s entry titled ‘Taking Action’, which went on to cover the attitude of taking the next right action and that then the right thinking and feeling would follow. This was exactly what I needed to read today and God provided.
I dont blame you for being jaded by life. I think we need to have perspective on our eternal purpose to understand the sufferings of mortal life. We are eternal beings, born to immortal parents, destined to become as our parents are. Life as a mortal is necessary to understand eternal laws and to know the difference between right and wrong, and natural order. God’s view of our suffering is different, because God understands that this mortal existence is short/temporary, and a stepping stone.
Hey hey hey, day three. How’s everyone? Really feeling the pull right about now because I’m up late working. Feeling encouraged that it’s already day three though.
