Sex & Porn Addiction Recovery

[Amy30]

@rich369

As someone who has experienced rape, I find using it as an argument for or against masturbation to be insulting to me, my trauma and other victims and survivors. There’s enough research on the topic to support my view that sexual assault is about inflicting pain and having control over another human being. It’s not lust. Masturbating or not won’t stop anyone from doing it.

Assault or non-consensual sex has no place in this conversation.

If a sex addict gets assaulted while going out for a hookup, the rapist bares 100% of the fault. Not the addict, nor their addiction.

[LittleMissL]

Non consensual sex is a crime.
It is rape. And it destroys lives.
If someone cannot control their sexual desires because they can’t control their body and their thoughts, and they commit a heinous act like rape, they should face the consequences and should be thrown into jail for a long time.
Theres no excuse and no reason. No amount of lust or attraction to another person gives them the right to take from an innocent person.
Its a horrific crime.

[Matt]

@sober26

Also I would also recommend that if someone cannot control their sexual urges to the point where it puts them or others in danger (I.e. stds, non consensual sex, acting out inappropriately, developing porn addiction) then I would highly recommend that they masturbate instead of engaging in the more risky behaviour.

It’s the lesser of 2 evils.

This is false and should not have been posted here. It really should be removed and an apology given. I don’t think there’s a way this combination of words works in a constructive way.

Is “non consensual sex” (rape) kind of like “non consensual death” (murder)? Why do we need the euphemism, other than to make the crime seem like it’s not a crime?

@rich369

I don’t want to start an argument, just present a possible alternative view.

@rich369 it’s not a matter of perspective, or argument. It’s like the “non consensual death” thing, above. Murder is still murder and it’s still a crime, even if we call it “non consensual death”. This isn’t an argument and it never can be.

There’s no world where murder isn’t murder or where rape isn’t rape, whatever fancy way we try to mask it. The sky is blue and grass is green. Someone saying the sky is green and calling it an alternative view does not mean there’s any chance of an argument starting. The sky is blue, murder is murder, and rape is rape.

There’s a deeper conversation to be had about the language choices at play here, but the key point that needs to be crystal clear is above The rest of the language conversation can take place in a private thread maybe so it doesn’t hijack the purpose of this thread, which is to recover from sex and porn addiction in healthy, safe ways, for everyone.

[sober26]

Sorry my choice of words was very poor there.

I see what happened and it’s not how I meant to write it or say it.
It came across wrong. I’ve since edited it.

I apologize for the pain and hurt my poor choice of words caused.

I was trying to get a point across in areas where masturbation may be alright, in trying to answer the previous question.

I don’t in anyway support non consensual sex, nor did I say it from the point that it’s okay to masturbate if you are instead going to rape someone.

Looking back at my choice of words, it was a very poor choice of words.

Anyone that is that far gone (needs psychological help) and letting them masturbate instead of having non consensual sex isn’t going to solve anything.

I’m sorry for that.

I agree it was a poor choice of words.

At the end of the day, masturbation won’t heal a sick person and rapists belong in jail.

Ultimately my response to the previous question posed was that to me engaging in PMO or simply MO, ultimately to me is the same thing as they are both driven on lust.
PMO will cause more brain damage and require further healing, but masturbation can also be abused and used as any other drug can.
It’s the same feel good chemicals firing up in the brain.

Refrain from both for better healing and recovery.
Atleast that’s proven true from my own personal experience and what I’ve heard others share on their journeys.

Again poor choice or words there by me and I’m sorry for the hurt caused.

If you are going to engage in risky sexual behaviour (I.e one night stands, some classify sex before marriage as risky, etc), then maybe masturbate and relieve yourself instead, but either way to me, it’s best to refrain from masturbation too.

Also for most porn addicts, from what I’ve heard and also personal experience, masturbation arises those past porn videos and images in the brain, and leads many back into watching porn. It’s a very slippery slope and the two are closely tied for many people, so best to avoid in my humble opinion.

After a while without it, the cravings to do it go way immensely.

As the saying goes:
Ever fed, never satisfied, never fed, ever satisfied.

[rich369]

@Amy30 @Matt @LittleMissL Feel like I need to clarify because I think my previous comment has not come across in the way I intended.

Obviously rape is a crime. Obviously it’s wrong. I absolutely was not condoning it. I was not saying it was not wrong. I was not saying it is not abhorrent. I was not saying it was not a crime.

I was merely offering my opinion that rape happens and some sex addicts do or have done it.
Some sex addicts have put themselves in vulnerable positions (risky anonymous hook-ups) where they are at a higher risk of being harmed. This is not their fault. Sex addiction is an insanity. I believe @sober26 's comment could be interpreted in this way. That’s all I was trying to say.

If I’ve offended with my previous comment then I apologise.

[Olivia]

@LifeWarrior135

i eventually get to the point where i can stay away from porn, but i keep coming back to masturbation to orgasm.

I think you have your answer here - one vice leads to another. Once unhealthy pathways have developed in your brain, it’s not easy to unlearn them, impossible even. I spent a good while discussing about this in therapy and concluded that, for me, both porn and masturbation are off the table for good. If I start engaging with either of them, the other will follow. If I relapse in one, it’s still a relapse altogether. We like to compartmentalise things in order to understand them better but it’s important not to be fooled by such thinking. Masturbation and porn are different faces of the same problem. As we know, merely abstaining is white knuckling and won’t take you far in your recovery. It’s really important to dig up the root causes of one’s addiction. You didn’t mention whether you are in such process in your post, so I just wanted to voice it.

[sober26]

Wanted to post this last sentence from page 12 of the SA white book here.

It rings so true.
The more we get, the more we want.
It’s such simple sentence but so meaningful and true for us.

[sober26]

Also wanted to share this interesting paragraph from the SA white book below. Page 24 in the book.

They write that “mutually voluntary” periods of abstinence for a year or so have proven to be the most constructive and happy times of our entire marriage.

That’s interesting.

I know going without sex for extended periods of time isn’t for everyone in marriage.

The key word being “mutually voluntary”. As in both partners agreeing.

This passage also states that sex is optional. Not a need but rather a want.
The author says it’s not something that we would die without.

My first time reading this book, but I’m enjoying reading it and learning so much from it:

[LifeWarrior135]

Checking in to maintain daily focus

Hey, do you guys know if we can posts links to youtube videos about PMO recovery?

I’d like people’s opinions on a self help video i watched, but idk if that’s appropriate to post the link to the video here.

[KevinesKay]

I’d like to see it.

[sober26]

Going to have a meeting at 12pm EST on zoom if anyone is interest please let us know and we will post meeting ID and pass here.

Thanks

[sober26]

From the SA White Book page 43 I wanted to put in here.

This about lust rings true for so many of us.

The part that resonates the most is the sentence that reads “Lust always wants more”…

Which wolf wins inside us? The one that we feed.
Lust needs to be starved out completely. There is no winning with it if keeps coming back for more and more.

[LifeWarrior135]

What day and time are the meetings usually?

What do you usually discuss during them?

Are you following a specific sobriety plan for the meetings? Like SA, Smart Recovery, etc?

[sober26]

The meetings usually happen on Fridays at 12pm EST.

The are completely informal and don’t really follow any format.
They last usually about 30 mins-40 mins.
It doesn’t have to last that long. Completely depends on how many participants we have, and how many want to discuss/share.

You are welcome to join, but no pressure at all to join. Thanks

[Philipwithonel]

Are you in search of some SA meetings?

[LifeWarrior135]

Do you guys use any physical things that you wear or have on you to remember to abstain?

Like a purity ring, pin, chip, etc?

I bought a ring and have been wearing it as a reminder to abstain.

[Matt]

You are not alone. There are many women who grapple with their sexual life in this way, and you are also not alone in worrying about your spiritual state too; that is a worry I have heard from both women and men in recovery from lust / sex / problematic masturbation.

I would suggest you reach out to Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) for some information. They have a toll-free line and an email you can reach out to:

https://www.sa.org/meetings/

They may be able to connect you with a women’s meeting you can attend. There are mixed meetings too, whichever you prefer. (Some are men’s meetings, some mixed, some women.)

Another option is to look into Celebrate Recovery, which is a specifically Christ-focused program. (SA is a Higher-Power centred program and a lot of members are Christians but it isn’t specifically a Christ-centred program.)

[KevinesKay]

I found SLAA to have a lot more women. Things may have changed since I’ve been there, but I think that could be another option.

Question,

For me, MB always involves fantasy. I’m suspecting that’s the same for you?

[Philipwithonel]

I’m working on getting you some info and maybe some links to some womens-only SA Zooms.

[Matt]

Hi again Kat, I know we’re mentioning a lot of meetings (and you didn’t specifically ask about meetings) so if there’s another way we can help please post or PM & we’ll be happy to help.

About the meetings though I can promise there’s no judgment to anyone visiting meetings - when I showed up at my first meeting, I was welcomed and felt very much at home. Everyone is in the meeting with the same goal: to be the human they know they want to be.