Hi sober peeps…I’m struggling with something and was wondering if anyone can share some wisdom…
I’m over 2 years alcohol-free. It’s been an amazing life change and I’m grateful for every hour of every day.
However.
I turned to sugar pretty heavily to reward myself. Ice cream, chocolate, cookies, you name it. My reward at the end of each and every day.
After 2 years, I realized that this was not really the best thing to continue doing and have chosen to eliminate added sugar. I’ve cut it back big time and have been happy about it. 4 months and counting.
However.
I also picked up an old habit a year ago, smoking. I cannot seem to kick it now. I want to quit, I’m listening to Allan Carr’s Easy Way and know it is bad for me, adds nothing to my life, creates anxiety instead of relieving it, and has the potential to damage all aspects of my life.
I feel like I still hold the (false) belief that it is a “reward” I give myself for doing everything else right. I know it is not, but I’m finding it difficult to replace my “reward” with something else that is healthy!
Any suggestions? I exercise every day, but that is an effort, not a reward really…
I think it takes time, awareness and persistence. I think most people who have struggled with addiction struggle to just ‘be’ and also want to escape reality when unpleasant feelings pop up.
For me I had disordered eating from childhood, then discovered alcohol. After I quit drinking my struggles with eating continued, then even social media and online shopping reliance popped up.
At four years sober, I am finally close to be where I want to be in terms of lifestyle. Still not what my ideal is, what something that is sustainable for me.
I think you hit the nail in the head…it’s taking me a long time to be able to process all feelings, good and bad. It’s work in progress, but I’m at a much better place now. But I realized that the cigarette is not as much a “reward” at the end of the day, as it is the justification I have to push down some uncomfortable feelings. Just a couple of days ago I got the news that an old friend passed away. My response? Don’t need to say more.
I guess I would still like to hear what people reward themselves with, to try to help change this. If no alcohol, no cigarettes and no sugar are on the table, what is a good thing to do instead?
“I think most people who have struggled with addiction struggle to just ‘be’ and also want to escape reality when unpleasant feelings pop up.”
This is it. Perfectly encapsulated. I was never fully aware of how much my own mind in its persistent and unrelenting way was my worst enemy. To think I spent my life believing the crap it told me.
I think the point is a “reward” is not always necessary. Just enjoy the feeling as it is. Perhaps share with a partner / friend / family member. Or on here.
If I really feel like a treat, toiletries are pretty good. Or a nice drink, like fancy tea or lemonade.
You know, even when I was writing my previous answer to you, this exact thought crossed my mind. I didn’t want to write it, because how scary is this realization?
I can very much recommend the Recovery Dharma programm. It is based on buddhist principles that state
In this human life there is pain, dissatisfaction and suffering.
We create or enlarge a lot of our suffering ourselves by wanting things, life, emotions, thoughts, etc. to be different than they are and acting unskillfully.
We can create less suffering in our lives by learning to live more skillfully.
There are ways you can practice to aquire those skills and live life as it is right now.
My mother quit by having hard candy or gum. Maybe you can go to where you smoke and try that. I reward myself nightly by sitting on my patio even if it’s just a few minutes just to see the stars I like the escape part lol.
Dang thats hot. Yes I think it’s important to remind myself that I don’t have to be drunk or high to escape a little while. Everybody needs a break and that’s how I take mine now day’s with coffee lol. The outdoors is good for my soul. I think those are great idea’s.
This is a topic very close to my heart / head ATM. Healthy habits, healthy rewards…reward culture in general. Just being. Relaxing. Compulsion. Habits. Anxiety. All tied together for me.
Finding balance versus severity continues to be part of my path. Compassion for being human. Incorporating soothing, replenishing habits into my days…nature walks, meditation time, reading, physical activity, time being in nature, warm baths, baking, petting the cats, being present, journaling…these help me stay grounded and my cup full
…versus when I live on auto pilot and deplete myself so a ‘reward’ or ‘habit’ is harder to resist. Idk if that makes sense.
Anyway, @desert_rose, I find this chapter of the journey to be an important one as well. Thanks for the reminder that I am not alone on this path, it is helpful and healing to hear others perspectives and what nurtures them. I appreciate all the responses.
As for the actual physical / mental change of habits that helped me quit smoking and nicotine, I took up walking (then running), would literally take a 10 minute walk if craving + I kept sugar free Life Savers at the ready and sucked on a TON of those + changed my associations…from morning coffee + cigarette to a morning walk and then tea. After eating to a walk after meal. Have dessert 1st, then a meal.
It might sound a bit cheesy, but for me my reward is in the way I live my life so much better now. It’s my personal Recovery/Discovery. Which at this point in time is mainly how my relationships to other people are improving, both in quality and quantity. The longer I’m working on myself, the more I understand how the opposite of addiction is connection.
Tied to that my understanding of myself and the world around me keeps improving too. And these things, the realization this is happening, is a huge reward for me. It makes me happy. A better life is the reward for me.
This is a constant struggle. I was walking with my husband the other day and he said: “You’re running/lifting weights almost every day, eating healthy, no sugar, sleep at reasonable times, don’t drink anymore…I can’t believe how healthy you are right now”. To which I responded in a very low voice, half joking: “Yeah…it’s not a very happy existence” and laughed it off. With the thoughts in my head “He doesn’t know I’m smoking every day…”
I felt horrible.
I really need to find some balance, to be less strict with myself and avoid this “reward mindset”.
I started 3 lists:
Why I think I currently smoke
Why I want to quit smoking
What are things that make me feel truly happy/healthy/strong
Focusing on the last one, so I can see more of the bright side and be kinder to myself
When i stopped smoking i was going to the gym i was a year sober and i was finding it hard to breath with my smoking habit so gym or cigs and gym won in thoses days no patches available to curb the cravings ,but i believe today there are numerous things available for quitting cigs ? not easy but can be done 60 a day guy so if i can do it anyone can stopped 28th oct 1987 , still smokeless lol
The fact that you are hiding your smoking from your husband could be a factor here too. I quit alcohol first and knew I wanted to quit smoking but had a hard time letting go of my last (ha!) sneaky “bad” habit.
My quitting smoking needed a lot of reflection. When I would take my smoke breaks I made myself constantly think about feelings and motivations around smoking. Somewhat controversial possibly but I bought non-nicotine herbal cigarettes and switched to those while examining my motivation to smoke.
I learned that smoking seemed to make me feel more anxious even though I thought it relaxed me.
I learned that cigarettes with or without nicotine really don’t taste that good.
I learned that I was smoking to keep people away from me. It was my current bad habit to push people away and to make me feel like I was unapproachable. I was holding actual fire to keep people at a distance.
Once I knew this, not smoking was easier. I’m a year and a half nicotine free today. And I haven’t touched an herbal cigarette in at least a year.
Many of us here have addictive personalities which I have come to realize means we jump from one behavior to another in a way to avoid pain or self soothe without really understanding why. The learning why is my reward.
You’ve got this. Sorry I went on so long, typing this out really helped me too.
This was HUGE for me when I realized that the ‘anxious feeling’ I had before a cigarette was actually nicotine withdrawal! What an aha moment that was!! Thanks for the reminder and thoughtful share.
Alan Carr helped me with this too.
Honestly just being mindful as I smoked my last few cigarettes helped me the most. I kept asking myself why I was smoking and how I was feeling which helped me to realize that I was not gaining anything by smoking other than some respiratory ailments.
It’s a semi stressful time over here and I have been romanticizing smoking a bit. I needed to write all this out.
at the peak) and I like to enjoy the quiet in the evening.
lol. The outdoors is good for my soul. I think those are great idea’s.
