Ok, so I’m back again. I have had a problem with alcohol since i was a teenager (i am nearly 50) where i can’t stop drinking once I start. I have made so many bad decisions and got myself into so much trouble over the years, and since i got a new job in a bar, ive been getting black out drunk whilst working. Ive nearly lost my job because of this, but i think ive really f’ed up this time. My boss is away and i got so drunk the other day, my co-worker said i was falling over and shouting at customers. As usual i only intended to have a few drinks, but this turned into me downing a couple of bottles of wine. We have cameras everywhere, so i don’t know if the boss saw it, but im definitely going to be sacked when he gets back if he did. I need to stop this, but life seems so dull without a few drinks, but then it just gets out of control. I really want to stop this time, as im so ashamed and hate myself for getting in this situation yet again
You are right, you do have a problem. You need to get healthy (which means not drinking), so that you can live. Without getting healthy, you will not live. You will just float through life like a ghost.
I understand. But it is not dull. You are conditioned - physically and emotionally - to feel that way, because for your entire teenage and adult life, you have been drinking for the purpose of getting drunk. But for healthy human beings, that is not what life is about.
You want to be healthy. You need help. Have you done some reading about getting healthy? About not drinking? Have you looked for some groups to join?
Welcome to Talking Sober 
I cannot stop drinking when I start either and usually blackout. Maybe getting sacked from the bar wouldn’t be a bad thing. Have you looked into alternate employment that isn’t surrounded by alcohol?
Hello, thank you so much for your reply. I know you are 100% right. Ive been reading and watching videos today and have got it in my head that i need to do this one day at a time. Ive put an app on my phone that counts how many days sober I am, an am telling myself that i will drink today. There is an AA group, but not at a time that I can get there and i got overwhelmed trying to find an online group. Thats why i came back here, as i didn’t know what else to do
Hey I go through it I can drink a lot and when I start normally don’t stop either , the key is to not drink but one day at a time you know shit easier said than done but sounds like the issue isn’t avoiding the juice it’s having a normal amount so if you can avoid it do a day see how you feel do another than a weeks gone by
Sorry, i mean won’t drink today
Thanks, ive already done 4 days without a drink, so am making progress. I just hope i can stick to it. I crave that numbing feeling from alcohol and the way the anxiety in my stomach disappers and is replaced by happiness. I know that i must not give in though
I think having this group to talk to and reading through other peoples experiences is going to help.
Actually… it’s not happiness. It’s numbness.
The lie of alcohol (or any addiction) is “it’s better this way”. The problem is that instead of working on our life, constructively, to overcome hurdles and find true satisfaction and freedom - instead of doing that, we numb ourselves.
It seems like happiness because we don’t know how happiness feels. We’ve spent our whole lives trying to numb ourselves. We’ve never felt the happiness that comes from healthy human connection and effort to achieve difficult personal emotional understanding.
This is so true. Thank you, Matt. I’ve been running away from the reality and myself for 20 years and now I’m finally facing the reality and myself sober.
Congratulations @SpainGuy for being sober for 4 days! I have 8 days under my belt and I still feel shame, guilt, sadness and depression. But I know that as time goes by, I’ll be better. All the best to you! We got this!
How will you deal with these feelings? Anxiety and stress can easily take a person out. Do you have a professional to speak with or a sponsor?
Welcome to Talking Sober.
I think it’s meant for you to lose your job, I am sorry to say but being a bartender while trying to get sober is not a very good environment for you.
We’ve all done something to be ashamed of, alcohol/drugs change a person to where they do things that they normally don’t do sober. Your on the right track by coming here for support. I am sending prayers, hugs and love 
Maybe check out any A.A. meetings in your area or online.
Thank you all so much for your replies. I have read through all of them and have taken all your comments and advice on board. Today has been a day of reflextion and I have given careful thought to how I have found myself in this dark place. I am currently studying for a new career and this has been a challenge due to my drinking. I am very behind and will need to put in 110% to get this back on track. Tomorrow my life starts again. I will throw myself into getting my qualification and this will be my first priority. I am terrified that I am going to lose my job when my boss gets back, but I can´t do anything to change this now, If I do, then I have enough money to last a month or so, and will have to go out and find another job. It´s time to draw a line under my old drunken life. I can deal with what happens now, no matter how hard it may be at the beginning, because this is the start of my new life of sobriety
@SpainGuy you got this! Try not to worry about tomorrow, but instead focus on staying sober. Remember, you’re not alone.
Thank you. Your support means a lot
And yes you’re right, we’ve got this 
I absolutely know what you’re talking about. The discomfort you feel is us trying to live with ourselves. Peeling back the onion layers. Doing the work. Booze isn’t going to help that. It’s only an attempt at a solution.
Try asking yourself why you feel like you do. Try and discover where it comes from. In my case it has to do with stuff from my childhood. Low self esteem, low self worth and an utterly negative mindset.
I am trying to learn to forgive myself, to love myself and accept that I am worthy.
Hang in there!!
Am nearly 3 weeks sober and it hasn’t been easy
Stay positive
1 day at a time 
It has a lot to do with low self worth and low self esteem. I wouldn’t say that is the whole reason and as you say, there are lots of layers to peel back, but alcohol definitely makes me feel better about myself and helps give me some self confidence. Thanks for your comment
Once youve stopped drinking in a couple of weeks you’ll feel different my friend
Hang in there it does get better