Single in recovery

Shout out to my single peeps! Anyone want to share on how to rock being single in recovery? Vent? Give advice or experience strength and hope?

7 Likes

Thanks for the well considered response. For me my recovery is extremely important. I’ve been advised in recovery no relationships for two years. But at times I think I know better. I like what you said about taking that extra time to work through the steps. I think I need to do more of that instead of looking for an external factor like a relationship for peace and serenity. That kind of thinking didn’t work in the past. I figured in early recovery I need to learn to love myself. A part of that process has been like living a healthy balanced lifestyle, taking care of my health, exersize, healthy friendships and family connections, healthy social life, step work and meetings. Lately I’ve been having this immense feeling of love before I go to bed and been telling myself I love myself and really feeling it. For me I think that shows I’ve come a long way and should continue to develop through the programmes of AA and NA with the steps. Thanks.

3 Likes

I’m dating someone as of January this year, someone with no similar background. Quit pot in March. I thought he was pretty understanding, up until now. I’m dealing with moodswings due to the chemical changes in my brain, I’m having doubts about literally anything right now and I can’t deal with his needs very well at this point. I’m seriously considering ending things with him, just so I can focus on myself and my recovery. I don’t want to hurt him, but I’m also having trouble communicating my boundaries clearly, so in the end I’m hurting myself. I’ve been afraid of relapsing these past few days and dealing with yet another person, besides my grumpy teenager, it just feels like too much altogether. So yeah, I certainly get the advise on not getting into a relationship for a certain amount of time.

3 Likes

The reason they say to stay out of relationships in early recovery is because I dont even really know me yet how can I get to know and love someone if I dont truly love myself this is my second time around actually putting an effort into recovery this time relationships can take the focus off of what’s most important my recovery and if I truly want a decent healthy relationship the wait will be worth it because I’ll actually know what I want and what I have to offer sex everyone can offer that but that’s not a relationship it’s part but there are millions of other little things to it that I cannot hold my part of the bargain until I’ve done the work

5 Likes

I have had guys wanting to catch up or the “if your interested I am too” lines, and I just reply that I am working on a 5 year plan and I’m not looking for a relationship. If they ask about the plan it’s just to establish my foundation and set up a better and secure future for myself.

5 Likes

I was in a very toxic relationship that was filled with alcohol. The relationship ended like the Titanic. She left me and took all my friends with. Took forever to realize I was drinking just to forget her face. “She started me drinking, left me, then all I had was the drinking.” Now that I’m sober I haven’t “gotten back on the horse” yet cause I think / know that could be a huge trigger that would just lead to a side of myself I never want to see or show anyone again. I have to get my brain right before I can start to get close to someone again. Just my opinion. Single is safe… lonely but safe.

Happy thoughts to everyone :v::v:

5 Likes

Onwards and upwards! :heart: The ineligible bachelors :rofl:

3 Likes

I am in recovery from love and relationship addiction, and it’s been nearly a year since I’ve dated anyone or even sought out anyone. I’ve really lost the desire to date, which for me is HUGE!

I thought I’d never get to the place where I dont need to be involved with anyone. The most amazing thing is that I have learned I actually love being single. Whereas before, I hopped from person to person, or had several at one time. I never took a break that even allowed me to see that I loved the single life.

I even get the feeling that I may not be interested in dating ever again. I’m not ruling it out completely, but I dont think I’ll ever actively look for someone. For me, that love/relationship addiction and alcohol abuse has often gone hand in hand. The one time I almost relapsed from love addiction is when I got super drunk nearly 30 days ago. I realized that to keep sober from the love addiction, I need to get sober from alcohol as well. Seems like they trigger each other.

Anyway, heres to us singles! (And shoutout to my single and childfree people as well.)

7 Likes

I’ll tell you what if your single and manage to stay sober I give you props because it’s not easy. I tell my girl all the time if I didn’t have that little bit of support that she gives me, I would had been drinking already. Just being honest.

6 Likes

briefly talking to one guy on a dating app (brief as in, there were a few sentences exchanged), he told me he couldn’t date a sober person because he can’t connect with people unless they’ve both been drinking/drugging. i told him that sounds like a serious personal problem, and one he should address. he actually agreed with me.

another guy i was casually dating, and really liked so far, was a recovering heroin addict (clean off H for ~ year) but drank frequently. i took him to my work holiday party, picked him up so he could drink there but when i scooped him up he smelled like weed. i didnt want to call him out bc he mentioned being nervous about meeting all my work friends. he started downing old fashions when we got there (open bar) - one right after the other. i think bc he was nervous, but his way of dealing with nerves was to get drunk. not good. that ended shortly after.

i’m not judgmental when it comes to ones own partying, but i’m past the point of wanting to be with someone who needs to get drunk every weekend. i dont care if they drink, but they must drink responsibly.

5 Likes

Yeah but that’s bc you guys are already dating, you’re already loved and committed. Trying to date in early sobriety, often leads to a relapse bc of the awkwardness, and being shy and wanting to open up better. Alot of times it’s hard to find someone else who doesn’t drink. And also in early sobriety it’s the best to time fine and work on yourself again, so that when you’re ready you can fully love someone else, but trying to love someone else who you barely know, when you barely know yourself is a big disater and good way to relapse. I definitely wouldn’t mind meeting a girl tho, not in a dating way. Just having a chick to be in my corner as friend like actual friend would be cool. But is what it is, when the time comes and God is ready he will send someone my way

5 Likes

Mike you are right, enjoy being sober and when God puts that special someone in front of you don’t let go .

4 Likes

Currently single and I enjoy it. Actually been single for awhile but that’s nor here or there. So dating someone would be a change especially if they drink and would have to support my sobriety. If not well theres the door… it does get lonely but been on my own and alone since 18 so it’s a normal for me. would I like to find someone eventually sure but not changing who I am… I’m perfectly fine where I’m at in life.

4 Likes

@DuncanNZ I’m not single but I just wanted to chime in here and say this is a brilliant thread and I am happy you opened it. It is thoughtful and constructive and those are qualities I really respect about you.

And to all the other posters here, you are strong & courageous to be so fearless and faithful, knowing you are enough, within yourself. I am learning a lot from you, which I will add to my marriage, to try to be more present for myself, so that I can be a better husband. I am grateful for that, thank you :innocent:

5 Likes

:rofl: Ineligible bachelor here :smile: I was recommended at least a year without relationships, but it’s turned out I haven’t wanted any anyways. Just my preference? Or too busy with recovery and rebuilding myself? Don’t know :man_shrugging: These days (I’m now 18 months in) it’s starting to enter my mind, but I know I’ve got more growth I want to do single still, so I’m saying nope not ready. No rush, right? Those desires can hang tight for now.

4 Likes

I was a month into my recovery when I met my girlfriend. I was aware of the staying single advice but decided to give this woman a shot. She has 3 children, all grown except one who is a teenager. The middle and youngest live with us and…

It’s honestly been an eye opening experience. It wasn’t hard at all to adjust. It sort of felt natural to me. I listen now and contribute to the well being with all of em. Even her family. I think they’re surprised about how laid back yet firm I am with all of em. I’m no fool here but at the same time I’m not a douchebag neither. My girl and her two daughter’s each have there own unique personalities. The thought of drinking now just gets me up set.

2 Likes

I’m feeling worried, and afraid. Afraid I’m going to be single forever… (hence my search for a relevant thread, in hope to seek out advice, wisdom or something that can help). I have been sober for over a year and half now, and I have been single for SO long. It’s been about a year and a half since I’ve even dated. I don’t want to be single. I want to find a partner, someone I can spend time with, love and enjoy life with. But I just don’t know how. I am too shy (scared) to put myself out there, I have no idea what I’m doing, and I still battle with the belief that I’m not good enough :confused: even tho, intellectually, I know this is not true. In the past, I used alcohol to relieve my inhibition and would meet people that way. I have been living my life, doing things I love, and waiting… waiting for that special someone to ‘show up’ in my life, as a friend, as anyone really who I may be interested in and they express some interest in return. But it just hasn’t happen. And now, I am starting to believe, that maybe I’m destined to be single and alone forever. This makes me SO sad, I feel the sadness in my heart. I just want to give the love I have in my heart and to receive it too. I would love some affection and care from another, to feel wanted and important to somebody. I don’t know how to change any of this. I get such full on anxiety at the thought of putting myself out there, at meeting someone, just the thought of being in those uncomfortable situations. I worry about what other people think of me. I worry that there must be something wrong with me, or that I’m just not meant to find love. I don’t know how to change. I don’t want to be alone forever, but without alcohol, I’m not sure where to find the courage to do something about it. This single thing is what makes me question my choice of sobriety :worried:

5 Likes

This is something I had to deal with, I got so used to being with someone I struggled with being alone.

I also learned when you are seeking something especially relationships you learn to cut corners to just make it happen, only to end in failure.

If you lack confidence, try a dating app like match or something, there’s free ones out there but a premium site has less bullshit to deal with. The nice thing about social media and dating sites is you can casually talk with someone to gain your confidence with them before heading into the real world.

I don’t know your length of sobriety and i don’t rely on the wait this long spiel everyone grows at their own pace. However your post seems like you have some things you need to work on, validation by another is never a value of your worth

3 Likes

Hi!
To be honest I owe my life to my first partner and she owes me her live too. With only 3 months recovery(both of us)I got in to a relationship . We grow up together in recovery and and we were each other suport. It lasted for 8 years and I have a son from that relationship. We ended up best friends.
The 2nd relationship I was 8 years sober and it was very toxic but I loved her so much and felt so responsible for her . I took care of her for 7 years with all her relapses until she deceived me.
So my friend it is what it is.
Some u win some u lose BUT I CAN’T NEVER LOSE MY SELF.

1 Like

Hi Chris, thank you for your response and for your advice. It’s really appreciated. I agree, I do have more things I need to work on. Just feels like I’ve been working on all my ‘things’ (there have been so many) for so long now, I just don’t know when, if, it’s ever going to end… I think it’s just a part of the journey of life, that we’re always learning, growing, healing, working on shit. In the meantime however, I’m worried that this is always going to be a journey I do alone… which makes me sad because I have a lot of love in my heart, and I would love to be with someone I could share it, and all of life’s joys, with. I’ve briefly tried a couple of dating apps in the past, but they don’t feel comfortable or ‘fitting’ so to speak. Tho, I may try again, as I’m not meeting anyone any other way… it’s just so hard when you really want something but you’re too scared to go and get it, to ‘put yourself out there’. And also, now I don’t drink, I seem to just stick with my close friends and family, who are wonderful, yet not a likely avenue for meeting new, single others.