My journey has been quite rough battling addiction for over 16 years now with a 2 years and one month clean at the moment. I’m probably going through the worst phase in my sobriety at the moment.
I was overly enthusiastic to work the program and am step 11 now. I left a stressful job and got hired at a dream job.
However, something very odd happened. When everything went exactly my way, I simply switched off the program and the ugly Addict with his lies and schemes and justification just poured out. This happened like overnight with no warnings.
One day I was doing my step 11 meditation and for the entirety of the remaining week I simply didn’t give a shit about applying any part of the program. I have no idea what went wrong and am amazed at how fast I just threw it away.
So maybe this is my last bit of asking for help before doing something extremely stupid. I didn’t relapse btw.
So please if you have any advice, I appreciate it.
I am also a recovering meth, heroin, coke and crack addict. Meth was my doc but I did whatever I could get my hands on. I don’t have near as much clean time as you so I applaud you for that for real. I understand what you mean about changing so fast. I always explain it like it’s a switch that flips. But what’s amazing right now is that you realized it! You’re acknowledging that something is off and talking about it. That’s HUGE. I know when my switch flips i don’t take the time to talk about it and ask for help. Be proud of yourself and keep looking forward. You’ve come so far don’t let it all go for a fix that won’t be there for you tomorrow when you come down. Go to a meeting or call your sponsor if you have one. I’m always here if you need to talk. One step at a time, one second at a time. You got this!
First off you have 2+ years clean this is amazing. Please think 3, 4 times before throwing this away. I have maybe a similar problem as you, when things start going really well for my life and i get happy for the them, start thinking about using it. I believe thats my self sabotaging. I cant just let myself be happy, for some reason (i think i know it). You just said you started slipping when everything went your way and you got happy. Think if its not your subconscious trying to boycott your well being and happines. Knowing the root of the problem helps a lot with it. Im almost sure that this my case. And stay strong, i dream one day of achieving 2 years
When I was in the Marines, we’d practice ambushing each other, squad vs. squad, platoon vs. platoon.
The best time to ambush an opponent was when they were on their way back to the relative safety of their positions. Why? Because in their minds their patrol or attack (their mission) was completed…they let their guards down.
I think you might have let your guard down. You are on step 11…been clean for a couple years…got the new job. You are headed back to your perimeter…thinking mission completed.
Your addiction is laying an ambush for you. Good that you are aware of this, and can avoid it. Keep working those steps.
What was your motivation to begin with? I have the same problem, keeping motivated. Once I was motivated by fear. With that, I was able to achieve my longest period of sobriety. But as the fear left, so did my motivation. Now I’m motivated by something else, not fear. I think that the memory of pain resulting from a relapse fades over time. It’s hard to remember all of those bad feelings, and we lose our motivation. This might be my biggest challenge.
When I am successful at my job my ego blows up to the point that I can ignore my drinking problem. My mind tells me “how can an alcoholic be so good at this, you don’t have a problem”. Just because we can function as an addict and be good at it doesn’t make the problem go away. I fight everyday to ignore the pride from my success and everyday that I achieve my goals it gets harder. Keep going!
Thank you so much for posting this. I really don’t understand this phenomenon but I’ve experienced it recently as well. It’s like all my drive for something I was once extremely passionate about and dedicated to, disappeared. Vanished.
Can’t say I have much advice but I can relate, and share in the frustration with you.
Actually my advice is to just step back and observe this feeling. We just gotta refocus and find the connection we lost, by any means necessary. And if anything, we need to wait it out, continue with the practices we were using before and it will come back to us.
Also what @Yoda-Stevie said I thought was a great analogy.
Maybe it’s time to really start helping others. It moves the focus away from ourselves while reminding us how good we have it. It keeps us humble, in check. Maybe your passion right now isn’t for recovery, and that’s fine. What about kids who don’t have shit? Or have developmental issues? People who are homeless? Maybe a Big Brothers, Big sisters program?
I know I get sick of making shit about myself, about feeling like the world is or should revolve around me. That’s when I try to make change for other people, or at least the possibility of change.
Right now I do this at work. There is a 16 year old kid who wants to go to culinary school and own a restaurant one day. He’s a very sheltered, middle class kid who doesn’t even know how to have fear. He’s never really wanted for anything. He’s slow at what he does and lacks urgency. But I’ll be damned if he doesn’t have drive! How is this kid in need, how is he at a disadvantage? Well, he’s never experienced the outside world. Now he’s been moved to a city and still acts like he’s in his small northeast town. He’s truly ignorant. So, I’m kicking his ass into shape. Kid couldn’t even load a dishwasher without taking 5 minutes to do it. Now, after one day of me showing him how to do it, giving him the time of day, not writing him off, and making him bust his ass, he’s able to be a vital part of our company and doesn’t need kid gloves anymore. He’s learned valuable things about getting his hands dirty, treating people with respect, training, managing, and looking past the obvious. He was so grateful (while ready to fall over from exhaustion) that I didn’t treat him like a kid, that I treated him like an employee, like a peer to the other employees. How does this relate to your problem? Sometimes doing little things like this can make a huge difference in someone’s life. And THAT can make a huge difference in yours!