I was a heavy drinker for several years. The past 3 years were the worse. It escalated to going to the bars every weekend, to going to bars most nights, to day drinking a bottle or 2 of liquor between myself and a friend then going to the bar. Once my drinking became worse I started the downward spiral. My partner broke up with me after 4 years because he couldn’t handle my drinking. I hardly cleaned my apartment and had no motivation to. I worked for my families business and they had to let me go because I was unreliable and called in “sick” too much. I lost my car and driving privileges when I made the foolish mistake of drinking and driving and rear ended someone. All of those didnt make me quit drinking. I still thought, yeah I’m a drinker, but I’m not an alcoholic. If anything it made me drink more. The thing that made me quit was when my older sister, who is only 26, was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia. She is married and has 2 kids who are 2 and 3 years old. She immediately started treatment and was hospitalized for several months. She is the strongest, kindest, amazing women I know. I’m not sure why that made me change my habits… Something about how delicate and unfair life can be at times. And here I am, throwing away my life, being shelfish because I like to get drunk?! So about a month or two after her diagnosis I decided to quit drinking and smoking all together, cold turkey. I was going good, but my friends and family didnt know I had a problem. So it was uncomfortable and awkward when I declined drinks and I was always pressured to drink or to “try a sip” of theirs. Around halloween my other sister threw a halloween party, around this time I was about 3 weeks sober. I was struggling with if I should drink or not. I didnt want to be the lame one at a party not drinking. I wanted to be a normal person. Who can go to a party or social event and drink and that’s it. Not crave alcohol the next day. Not have it be your every thought each consecutive day. I decided no; I wasnt going to drink, but I would still attend the party, because my sister hired me to cater it (I do catering gigs on the side) and she wanted my help with the party decorations. I was still feeling uneasy, especially when setting up the bar. Last minute I caved and decided sure I’ll just drink tonight and it will be fine. Fast forward to getting an uber to go to the bar halfway through the party, proceed to get wasted, return to the party and promptly vomited everywhere in the middle of the room and black out on the floor. I smoked 3 packs somehow that night too. I woke up the next morning and didnt even remember going to the bar until I was told about it a couple days later. The next few days all I could think about was drinking again and how much “fun” I had… I realized then, that no I cant be that person who can casually drink at a party. That yes, I am an alcoholic and that I cannot drink alcohol, because I have no self control.
So far it’s been about 70 days of sobriety. I feel great, I am getting my act together and trying to be more productive. The hardest thing for me is not being able to talk to anyone about my struggles or express my feelings/concerns. My family has no idea my drinking was as bad as it was. I dont know if AA would be a good choice for me or not. just thinking of attending a meeting makes me anxious. Is it bad that I dont want to be labeled an alcoholic? Just forget that part of my life and just live the sober life? I feel like going to AA would just be the equivalent of putting a big 'ole red stamp stating ALCOHOLIC on my forehead… should I tell my family I had…have a drinking problem? Or keep that to myself and find 3rd party resources? Should I try this app out and just talk to random strangers over the internet and see if that helps? Anyways… I’m just ranting at this point.
Hope everyone is having a great and sober 2020 so far!