Sober Day One for a stupid, dangerous drunk

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Hello to everyone,

My name is Rob and I am an alcoholic. I drink because of my pain from a long history of psychological and emotional abuse from family. I have depression and anxiety, and PTSD.

I am glad to be here because I see a lot of people fighting the same wars and I hope that maybe I can be useful in some way, supportive and positive to others and that way I can learn to be that to myself.

Today is Day One, and there have been a lot of those- I have been sober maybe a total of 10 days this year. This last month I have tried and relapsed 15 times. I pour out the vodka but it is just so easy to get more.

I want to be sober because I am a violent danger to myself and others when drunk, and I am very tired of living a deceptive, remorseful and very unhappy life. I want to stop drinking because I know that it is only a matter of time before I hurt an innocent person or go to prison. I have not hurt anyone but myself yet, but I can see where it will go, as my drinking has escalated significantly in the last 3 years, to the point of about 1/2 of a bottle of vodka per day, before noon. I am a very quiet and reserved person and 95 percent of the time when drunk, it feels restful and deeply relaxed and I am very content to be silently alone and that is why it is so appealing- my mind just stops. But I also have lot of anger, and have done some incredibly stupid things when drunk, including driving, discharging firearms at my neighbors houses, operating a chainsaw in my bare feet and underwear, and others. I never in a million years thought I would ever be a person who would drink and drive, but here I am. When I sober up, all I can do is think about these things and I tell myself that this just cannot be who I am. I am very tired of lying and deceiving myself and others, and of being scared that I am going to hurt someone.

Thank you for being here, because I identify with many people here and I do not feel alone in the battle as a result.

Rob

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Welcome Rob!
My advice to you would be to read and then reread as much as you can on here, and books, podcasts,
If you have any questions use the magnifying glass at the top and put a search on. I can pretty much guarantee that whatever your query, it has been asked before.
Have a look at any real life recovery programs
And above all else, have an open mind and be willing to try absolutely anything.

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Man, I feel ya. I had a lot of baggage when I got sober, I still do. Most people do. But I can especially relate to being violent to myself and the fear that it will escalate. My hands are all messes up from taking my anger out on solid, non human objects, and Iā€™ve got scars that I wish I didnā€™t. I was admitted to the psych hospital, voluntarily, on July 10th, 2014 because of my out of control drinking, addiction to my benzo medication, and violent and self harming, donā€™t want to live any more mental state. That hospital saved my life. Unfortunately, I thought Iā€™d figured shit out and started drinking again 3 months later. Thatā€™s when shit really started escalating. Like the shit before wasnā€™t enough. After that I started abusing my benzos and drinking in a way I never had before. Thatā€™s also when I started driving everyday while under the influence, often blacked out. The point is, this shit escalates faster than we can imagine.

On June 17th of 2017 I decided that I couldnā€™t do it anymore. I called everyone I knew, who would care, and told then I had to be done, that I had to go back to the hospital. I didnā€™t want to live anymore, I had just picked up my prescription for xanax the day before and though a lot about taking the whole bottle and never waking up. I knew I had a problem, Iā€™d known for a long time, and that made the problem even worse. It made me feel weak as hell, it made me want to die even more. No one in my family was weak, no one was allowed to be anything but strong, it just wasnā€™t who we were. It was this thing that actually saved my life. It was time for me to be strong! It was time for me to take my life back into my own hands and fuck anything else. I tried to get admitted into the hospital on the 18th, took 4 mgs of xanax to get there, they didnā€™t have a bed. So I was told to go throw my prescription away and given the first 2 doses of my Librium taper. I could come back the next day, Monday, and see if I could get a bed. But, fuck that! They set me a challenge and I was going to take it! So I did a brutal 18 day medically assisted, outpatient detox. I drove every morning to get my medication, sit with a nurse then a doctor and evaluate my progress, get my vitals checked and sort out medication. After the taper was over I was still having huge issues with the benzo withdrawal, so I went and got myself admitted at the hospital on July 11th, 2017. That time, I saved my own life. Iā€™ve never looked back. 890 days sober today.

The point? This time the point is that you have to set EVERYTHING aside and put yourself and your recovery first! This anger doesnā€™t disappear, ever. So use that shit! Make it your best tool! Then learn how to cope with that anger and turn it into passion. But, one day at a time. Take the first step and do whatever it takes, today, to start this journey.

A saying we like around here goes something like thisā€¦

Anything you put before your recovery, you will lose.

Welcome to the forum, friend.

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Whatā€™s that Robin Williams quoteā€¦
ā€œAs an Alcoholic, youā€™ll violate your standards faster than you can lower them.ā€

Truer words as they say.
We have all been there and done so many things we thought we never would. The important thing is youā€™re here and trying to get well.

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Thank you for the helpful advice and responses.

This app is extremely helpful. I am glad to know that other people can understand this thing, particularly in regards to lowering and violating standards. Thatā€™s a really good quote, thanks MOTH83.

In another 8 hrs I will have a full day of sobriety under my belt. There is no alcohol in my house. I remember when I used to have energy in the mornings , so Iā€™m looking forward to that, and not being hung over at 7 PM. I think that Iā€™m mostly looking forward to not feeling like a such a liar, day after day. The anxiety from hiding is like acid, and 3 am is always such a flaky, jittery exercise in cursing my own weakness. Funny how no depiction of alcoholism in cinema ever includes that watery spineless feeling.

Rob

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welcome, rob! thank you for sharing your story.

this really resonated with me. iā€™m a very extroverted person but i fell in love with the quiet solitude drinking on the porch, just me and my dog. it was extremely unhealthy.

i encourage you to go to a meeting today or this evening. :heart:

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You just told my story. Itā€™s amazing to me that so many of us share these similarities. Recovery is possible my friend. There IS happiness on the other side of this demon.

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Nice job on the first day! I also drank daily. Whiskey was the choice. I thought I was smart enough to handle it on my own. My attempts to cut back, slow Down, and moderate failed. Hundreds of times. I highly recommend getting to some type of meeting. Smart, AA, etc. Itā€™s hard to let look in the mirror and admit you have a problem but once you get past that you can start a recovery process. Im 8 days in and feel like Iā€™ve got a real chance this time. Good luck!!!

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Thank you, these are really encouraging words.

Here is a bit of text from Tennessee Williams play, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I recommend it. Here Brick talks about why he drinks, he keeps waiting for ā€œthe click.ā€

Big Daddy : Whatā€™s that?

Brick: A click in my head.

Big Daddy: Did you say ā€œclickā€?

Brick : Yes sir, the click in my head that makes me feel peaceful.

Big Daddy : Boy, sometimes you worry me.

Brick : Itā€™s like a switch, clickinā€™ off in my head. Turns the hot light off and the cool one on, and all of a sudden thereā€™s peace.

I think if I can just remember that itā€™s just a very beautiful lie, I think thatā€™s a good start. How many beautiful lies do your addictions tell you?

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My storieā€™s a similar one, only addicted to the booze and cigs thoughā€¦ Did drugs but that was a fad I think in my earlier days. Yep, self harm, smashing things, driving, fighting, and verbal abuse and alienating people I love. Got scars too, still healing from 11 nights agoā€¦ And othersā€¦

My old boy, who likes a pint and travelled the world in oil even said heā€™d never seen a jeckle and Hyde case like me. More dangerous violent people for sure, but for someone to ā€˜changeā€™ that much, apparently, Iā€™m the measureā€¦

Youā€™re really not alone mate, I got 11 days now and hanging in there. I check in here 5 or 10 times a dayā€¦ Moreā€¦

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Welcome Rob. Let me first tell you, you ARENā€™T alone! You are amongst good company. We are all here to help one another. All on different journeys, let they are one in the same. Read and post as needed and reach as we are all here for you. The great thing about Talking Sober is thereā€™s ALWAYS someone available to chat or respond, give advice or lend an ear. People here have faced what youā€™re facing, they have the knowledge, know how and wisdom to share with you. My name is Jim and I too am an alcoholic. I have 107 days sober. Donā€™t be a stranger. Wish you all the best on your sober journey.

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Welcome, Rob @Hvitrafn

So very glad youā€™re here. You can do this, it just takes two things, belief and determination. Have you thought about joining a recovery program? AA, SMART, RefugeRecovery? (or any other)ā€¦

My advice is to read A LOT. Especially on this forum. In my first couple months I was on here everyday soaking up the beautiful knowledge and wisdom of other members, especially those who have long term success. I also read books on recovery, listen to podcasts, watch related YouTube videoā€™s and listen to music about addiction and recovery. It helps. The Big Book is one of the greatest helps I found, so many things that are very resonating.
You deserve to be happy and youā€™ll find that happiness in sobriety :blush: just remember, always say NO to the drink that matters - the first drink! (sage advice, learnt from @yoda-stevie). Approach each day with focus and gratitude, and youā€™ll be amazed at how quickly the days start stacking up! But just take it one day at a time. Wish you well, friend.

https://www.aa.org/pages/en_us/alcoholics-anonymous

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Thank you for these good thoughts and deeply welcome encouragement. You are helping me a lot.

This is Day Two, 14 hrs in.

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Just got through day 2. Day 3 is 47 minutes old.

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Hey buddy, so glad to read this! Thank you for sharing your story. I canā€™t picture something to be as thankful for as a Day three this November. Congratulations :yellow_heart:

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Donā€™t know where you are in the world, but here in the US itā€™s Thanksgiving. Iā€™m not really into holidays, but today I am thankful that you have found us and that you are doing this. Iā€™m still surprised at how different my life looks every day! Iā€™m always thankful for my recovery, but today Iā€™m thankful for all you newer folks, especially you.

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Welcome Rob! Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are not alone. Most of us started drinking to dull some sort of pain within us. Working a program (there are several) to chose from will address that pain. There are two kinds of sober people: the one who addresses the pain behind the addiction and the one who just stops using. It is my humble opinion the first will lead you to a happier, healthier life. blessings to you.

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I canā€™t like this enough!!!

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The support here is really quite special. Thank you so much.

Observations 3 days inā€¦

  1. It is good not waking up at 4am with the fluttery thoughts cycling furiously.

  2. I felt the urge to have a drink to celebrate not drinking.

  3. It is a very troubling situation to be hungry for something that only makes me feel terrible.

Thanks for your patience with these simple thoughts.

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And today I relapsed 2 hours short of 4 days. It consisted of drinking roughly 3 doubles followed by pouring the rest down the sink.

Its depressing and feels stupid. But I know why I did it, Iā€™ve catalogued the choices and now our house has zero alcohol in it. So it will be a step forward and this app tells me Iā€™ve survived the first 5 minutes.

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