Hello to everyone,
My name is Rob and I am an alcoholic. I drink because of my pain from a long history of psychological and emotional abuse from family. I have depression and anxiety, and PTSD.
I am glad to be here because I see a lot of people fighting the same wars and I hope that maybe I can be useful in some way, supportive and positive to others and that way I can learn to be that to myself.
Today is Day One, and there have been a lot of those- I have been sober maybe a total of 10 days this year. This last month I have tried and relapsed 15 times. I pour out the vodka but it is just so easy to get more.
I want to be sober because I am a violent danger to myself and others when drunk, and I am very tired of living a deceptive, remorseful and very unhappy life. I want to stop drinking because I know that it is only a matter of time before I hurt an innocent person or go to prison. I have not hurt anyone but myself yet, but I can see where it will go, as my drinking has escalated significantly in the last 3 years, to the point of about 1/2 of a bottle of vodka per day, before noon. I am a very quiet and reserved person and 95 percent of the time when drunk, it feels restful and deeply relaxed and I am very content to be silently alone and that is why it is so appealing- my mind just stops. But I also have lot of anger, and have done some incredibly stupid things when drunk, including driving, discharging firearms at my neighbors houses, operating a chainsaw in my bare feet and underwear, and others. I never in a million years thought I would ever be a person who would drink and drive, but here I am. When I sober up, all I can do is think about these things and I tell myself that this just cannot be who I am. I am very tired of lying and deceiving myself and others, and of being scared that I am going to hurt someone.
Thank you for being here, because I identify with many people here and I do not feel alone in the battle as a result.