Donât get me wrong, Iâm not saying you should leave.
But donât stay for the wrong reasons, trying to hold on to something from the past that just isnât there anymore.
And thatâs just a simple truth : that past is gone. You both changed in the meantime, in different directions. You are not the same persons you both married to anymore.
Your only choice is, will you try a marriage not based on what once was, but what is right now, or will a non-romantic friendship better fit ?
In both cases, you can still be the support you want to be for him.
This resonates with me. My husband and I met and fell in love as drinkers and Iâve only been sober for a few months while he continues to drink. Certain days I am annoyed by his behavior, but I have been surprised at how supportive he is of my sobriety. Most likely my sober choice is a relief after all the years he spent babysitting drunk me.
Iâm not oblivious to our dysfunction we are most likely very co-dependent but his love and support are necessary for me right now. That said, he isnât mean when he drinks. If he got drunk and picked fights or disrespected me I would have a different take here.
I use his drinking as a reminder of why I canât. Seeing someone stumble or tell a rambling story or struggle through a hangover brings back the shame I felt doing the same and strengthens my sober motivations.
I donât know the answer for you but I feel confident that you will in time. Donât let his behavior sabotage your beautiful sober new life. Sending hugs and hopes for clarity. Stay strong in sobriety and stay you. Youâll know the right move.
My almost 9 year date and I broke up a year ago. I got sober, she never was an alcoholic.
Fun part is, she actually was one of the reasons I got clean because I was afraid she would leave me.
Anyway, I changed. A lot.
She didnât. Nor did she really understand in what direction I was heading (neither did I to be honest) so we grew apart.
Looking back, I just wasnât the person she got to know years ago anymore. I was becoming someone completely different, and not even considring going back to being that earleir version of me.
Right now, Iâm happy we broke up because it had never been a healthy relationship.
We had been clinging to something that had been gone for a while allready, if it even ever had been there to begin with.
Long story short - donât try to focus too much on the outcome, just have faith that in whatever outcome there will be, it will be the right one for you.
Not to be cruel but just for perspective: a person stuck in a hole with you literally canât bail. Staying in the hole - of being âdrinking buddiesâ - is a default setting, and anyway youâre stuck in the hole.
Once you climb out of the hole you have a choice. The choice is entirely yours: you are free to make the choice that you think is the right one.
Have you tried visiting an Al-Anon meeting? It can be a game changer for family and loved ones of alcoholics:
Take care and donât give up. Life is full of challenges and this is exasperating but it is one of them. You have freedom and clarity and you can make whatever decisions here that you think are reasonable.
I put together some threads you may find helpful. Plenty to read and lots of perspectives. I know it can be hard to offer grace to our selves and to our partners at times.
It is a positive IMHO that you are asking the questions of yourself. Idk how long you have been together, but that would definitely be something I took into consideration. You can build a sober life with someone who is on your same journey. For me, it always comes down to honesty âŠwith myself and about my relationship and husband. Is my marriage otherwise a healthy safe loving space? Am I nurtured, cared for and helped to grow? Do I offer the same in return? What is my marriage helping me to learn? Is my husband a kind, caring, trustworthy, supportive, loving partner?
Being honest with myself has helped me so much.
Hope you find some inspiration in these threads belowâŠall my bestâŠSassy
Hi! A good thing is you said boyfriend and not husband. Believe me, I can pick the bad ones from a thousand good ones, and I have. (Real name is Maxine, maxwell is a nickname my friend gave me) You deserve the best and you donât owe him anything. When weâre in relationships, we canât let their bad behavior shape us, we need to learn and grow ourselves. Could you see yourself in 10 years, married to the same person and the same fights?
lots of decision making for sure and yes I have change and not the same person I was 10 months ago, the timing is just horrible like we can do all the bad things together but the positive changes im solo.
Hi Maxine, absolutely not, I mean I am a person with goals. I mean serious goals in life. I dont like to be stagnant and complacent and when I was drinking alcohol robbed me from me actually living my life. When I got sober I got back to the gym and now im 20 weeks away from body building prep competition. I got back hard into fitness because its great therapy. I cant even get him to go to the gym because well heâs hungover on the weekend and I am sure alcohol gives him no real purpose to work out. Ironically he use to do all these wonderful things years ago before we got together. A part of me want to me that vibrant gym going person you know because thats who I am now. I realize that we use to always drink together and maybe thats who he is and I was always in lala land to realize it. Now that I am sober I just want better for myself. My energy is crazy positive and I literally removed all toxic people out of my circle, yetâŠI am dealing with this toxicity on the down low still. I feel enslaved to alcohol and I am going on 10 months sober and still dealing wth alcoholâs bullshit it really sux. I am over the fights the stupid drunk ones. I cannot see myself fighting over the same dumb shit 10 years from now. I dunno I am still trying to process all this. I am the type of person that things gets old quick and I am afraid one day I will leave without him changing but at the same time I do derserve a healthy relationship. its one thing he drinks but he can be rude and disrespectful and that is one thing I cannot tolerate anymore.
Iâve been married to an alcoholic that could fly off the handle very easily, and me being miserable and drinking myself to not deal with it robbed many years of my life that I canât get back. I think thereâs a big difference if you have a drinking boyfriend that is happy, supportive, and not verbally abusive, you may not be asking the question. If you werenât with this person, and you started dating someone new that treated you the same, you probably wouldnât stay. End of the day, it will be your decision. Congratulations on 10 months, that is Amazing!!
a person stuck in a hole with you literally canât bail. Staying in the hole - of being âdrinking buddiesâ - is a default setting, and anyway youâre stuck in the hole. Once you climb out of the hole you have a choice. The choice is entirely yours: you are free to make the choice that you think is the right one.
WOW!!! Perspective is everything, you are absolutely right and I didnt even see it that way. Now that you mentioned it its true! we were drinking buddies all the time, the difference is something I would just over do it and he was there to help me but i saw it as being there for me and not bail. Truth is we both were in that dark hole together and now I did get out of it and seeing the real truth makes it hard because damnn you know. Now I wonder so much things. For lent I challenged him to give up drinking for 40 days honestly it was amazing, we clicked vibed we occasionally bickered but all heatlhy you know. 41 Days came he had a few shots and everything went left. This was just last weekend. He woke up had no idea what he said what happened etc its like you did 40 days and boom couldnt wait to get right back to it. I started this with a 30 day alcohol free experiment, and day 30 came along and it was vacation day I was going to Aruba for a week. MY first thought was " I did 30 days and I will turn up and have my 1st drink at the airport" honestly the morning of my vacation, i told myself nah I would add another 30 days. You know how much will power that took from me. Going to a beautiful carribean island for 8 days everyone around you drinking and I stood my grounds, My boyfriend couldnt believe it, 30 days became 60 days now will be 10 months on May 9th. So that was a major growing point for me. Talk about out of my comfort zone but I did it. I know I went off topic but im saying this to say I did climb out of my hole and I do have a choice and I need to stand my ground and set some boundaries for myself or I will be in this repetitious cycle forever.
MY boyfriend is 2 different person sober and drunk. Going back to how this started, I never had a drinling problem till covid. I use to drink 1-2 drinks on weekend only because i was on a fitness journey. Covid hit and boom we all turned to drinking, the only thing is it got out of hand and I became addicted to it. It started out fun then not so much. The fights started more with us and I would drink alot to not even deal and that went for the whole time during covid. It got bad and I just hit rock bottom. I was one of those people that this would never happened to me until it did. I made that decision on 07-09-21 to get it together and I have stayed sober since then but he still going and my problem is now he is mean drunk, defensive and I think alot of resentment because i am sober I dunno its just my feelings. So to answer your questions sober he is great 6 yrs together but since the last 2 yrs of covid all our fights stems from alcohol so I am convince alcohol will always be the issue and he is very different under the influence and I do not like him when he is drinking because he is not fun anymore if that makes sense. Then again was he ever fun drunk or was I just drunk too which made everything awesome lol now I am sober I see it all and being drunk is not cute lol
I donât deal very well. Iâm an emotional mess. Crying constantly, worried. Heâs tried seeing a doctor who put him on lithium to get off booze but it didnât work and he just kept drinking. Canât go to detox or rehab because miraculously he holds down a full time job.
Iâve wanted to leave a thousand times and I probably should because of the verbal abuse but love is a funny thing I guess.
Sending you lots of positive vibes. Indeed love is quite comical. This has to be one of the toughest thing that sobriety doesnât prep you for. Iâm here if you need to vent Iâm a message awayđđŸ
An apology without change is called âmanipulation.â
Not meaning to just call him out. I was guilty of it when I drank, and still guilty sometimes sober. If youâve sobered up and trying to set things right, bravo. If he cannot do the same, well⊠our behavior has consequences. Maybe his are catching up.
In any case, I wish you whatever is best for your sobriety and a peaceful life.
THIS!!! This is what I deal with at least once a week. Did I not notice when I was drinking? Or not care so much? Idk but when it happens now when Iâm sober it makes me want to pack my stuff & move, like seriously, but I donât, then everything is fine again, until itâs not.
Sorry this wasnât much help but I totally feel this thread.
You have freedom and clarity and you can make whatever decisions here that you think are reasonable.
how do you deal with an alcoholic partner?