I am looking for anyone who can relate to being sober and having a partner that is still struggling with alcoholism. Lets rewind for a bit…289 day ago I made the decision to get my shit together and my life back on track. It all started back on Jul 9th 2021. I am almost at my 10 months sobriety and life is actually pretty good; considering how far I’ve come. Needless to say I am now sober and still going through life’s motions as best I can without the daily numbing mechanism. However, I have a major dilemma. My boyfriend still drinks. Now Iet me clarify…I have no problem with people who drinks alcohol, I personally had to walk away from it because I lost control of what once was a fun pasttime to unwind to the point where I had no control and completely didnt know who I was anymore. So I decided I needed a 30 day break that turned into 289; and I am grateful and blessed that I am actually living my life AF.
My issue is being sober and dealing with my boyfriend not being on the same journey. I can overlook the drinking but what I cannot handle is the hostility and the stupid behavior of morning regrets that comes with it. Its exhausting and frustrating. Sad part is he is not even aware of half the things he says until the next day.
So my question is How many “I am sorry” can one take before saying fuck it? We use to be drinking buddies and vibe well drunk; drunk of course but now I’m choosing a different path, a good path and I feel like I’m on my own with this one. I don’t want to give up on him because there was a point where my drinking was out of control and I hit Rock bottom and he never bailed on me. I am here trying to be a support but I don’t think you can help someone unless they truly want to change.
He admitted he has a problem after our most recent fight couple days ago (a fight over NOTHING, may I add) but that’s alcohol for you. It brings out the worst, well for me at least. So here I am blogging away desperately trying to figure out my next move, Do I stay, Do I go? So many emotions, feeling all the feels while trying to remain sober. Oh the struggle! I know I will figure this out eventually but it’s just really hard trying not to drown while carrying all that heavy shit in the deep end
I’ve been a part of this community for 10 months now and I appreciate all of you that’s on the same grind same journey please chime in, would love your thoughts/feedback
Always a tough one as you two have done a lot together, I’m sure. You’re making boundaries already as you aren’t drinking and he is along with squabbles the night after about last night’s stupidity.
How long till you’re sick & tired of being sick & tired of this unfair relationship? That’s the shitty part… how long do we stay and see if they want to do this healthy shit too?
I feel a sober him needs to hear you. I know it’s tough but if he knows how you feel maybe you’ll talk it out instead of acting it out.
Great job on you!
Oh it’s a tough one… I’ve been married 18 years and I love my husband but his drinking affects our relationship. It was super hard for me to get sober while he was drinking. Being sober now is not so hard, but watching him choose not to is difficult. He’s trying to support me, he’s a good guy but it still sucks a lot of the time. I really have to work on myself and I’m learning as I go. There’s a lot of threads on here about that… I’m not sure how to share them yet… I’ll try after this post, or maybe someone else can. Sorry your struggling. Only you know if you should stay or go.When it becomes too difficult to suffer, then we change.
It’s frustrating and difficult for me, but the good still outweighs the bad… At least for now. Sorry I’m not much help, but I’m glad you’re sharing
You shared your post in that thread so they still get the whole thread.
I’m actually still learning this.
If you want to share the top or first post scroll to the top and click on the title to get the OP
Congrats on your 289 days! I am also dealing with a partner that still drinks. I try to tolerate it but I think I am about to lose my mind. I confront him about something he did while he was intoxicated and he can’t remember doing it so he denies it. I am stuck cleaning up after him, apologizing for him and making excuses for him. Someone said it best in that sober me needs to have a conversation with sober him at this point but I am worried that I will come off as demanding or belittling and that is def not my intention. Ugh! I wish I had advice to give but I don’t think I would be the best to give it. But I can tell you that I sincerely appreciate your post, it really made me think of my situation and gave me the courage to vent. Thank you!
You are not alone @Back-on-track and @Caite1025
I find the shares about al-anon helpful to deal with my husband who is still drinking. His drinking is a major trigger for me so I come to the above mentioned thread for sharing and support. Also @SassyRocks shared really helpful stuff on the subject.
Send you good vibes
Sometimes it’s necessary to set boundaries to protect oneself. Keep sharing, you are not alone
keywords to search on the topic are husband, spouse, drinks
you can find a lot of threads!
Thank you for your response. I just feel like its always the same thing over and over. Sober him hears this too then he is sorry then once he is drunk, its like a whole new person. I tryly do not miss that but yet somehow I still feel trapped with alcohol’s bullshit if that makes sense. Talk is so cheap to me to be honest. Actions matters alot. He admitted that he needs to change because he is afraid he will lose me, hmmm but what are the actions yoi know. I am at the point where I need to focus on me, I am not healed from this disease you know. I am being strong every single day so my priority is my mental health and getting through the day to be a better version of myself not constantly on defense mode. Time will tell I guess.
you are being strong as well so kuddos to you and your sobriety. I am searching different threads regarding this issue because its actually pretty common. I cant make him change you know because once I made that decision, it came from me. I didnt care what anyone had to tell me about my drinking, so I get it. I just wish he too can wake up and say “no more” (wishful thinking)
Thank you hun, oh trust me the sober me spoke with the sober him and It was not too nice but honestly sometimes you have to be blunt and raw. This journey is already hard as it is, and the extra baggage is not nessary. He felt bad but then again he always feels bad because he realized he was a complete asshole intoxicated. Its not fair you know. I think this is by far the hardest part of my journey still low key trapped with alcohol but im sober. How ironic is that right? ugh ODAAT
Can take : a lot
Should take : that’s your choice.
Bingo. It’s great he never bailed you, but that diesn’t mean you should stay forever in gratitude.
You can’t help one who doesn’t want the help.
And being there for support is a noble goal, but one that does nót require a marriage…
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should leave.
But don’t stay for the wrong reasons, trying to hold on to something from the past that just isn’t there anymore.
And that’s just a simple truth : that past is gone. You both changed in the meantime, in different directions. You are not the same persons you both married to anymore.
Your only choice is, will you try a marriage not based on what once was, but what is right now, or will a non-romantic friendship better fit ?
In both cases, you can still be the support you want to be for him.
This resonates with me. My husband and I met and fell in love as drinkers and I’ve only been sober for a few months while he continues to drink. Certain days I am annoyed by his behavior, but I have been surprised at how supportive he is of my sobriety. Most likely my sober choice is a relief after all the years he spent babysitting drunk me.
I’m not oblivious to our dysfunction we are most likely very co-dependent but his love and support are necessary for me right now. That said, he isn’t mean when he drinks. If he got drunk and picked fights or disrespected me I would have a different take here.
I use his drinking as a reminder of why I can’t. Seeing someone stumble or tell a rambling story or struggle through a hangover brings back the shame I felt doing the same and strengthens my sober motivations.
I don’t know the answer for you but I feel confident that you will in time. Don’t let his behavior sabotage your beautiful sober new life. Sending hugs and hopes for clarity. Stay strong in sobriety and stay you. You’ll know the right move.
please chime in, would love your thoughts/feedback
XOXO
