I really appreciate the advice. My husband is never obviously drunk, but his mood changes and he’s just more grumpy and impatient. My daughter does talk to a therapist once every 2 weeks. I think it’s helpful. I will look into some of your suggestions if needed too. Thanks Eric
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Dear @Dazercat @ShesGotMoxie @Miranda
Thank you all for sharing. As I struggle with the same issues it feels so good to know I’m not alone 
Yes it definitely is a cicle, I often watched the different stages come and go in my/our life. These days I’m happy to have a lot of good time with my husband. He doesn’t drink a lot and I’m in a reasonably calm and stable mood most of the time. This combination is a good one. We both feel supported by each other and listen to each other. As I know this will change again I enjoy it.
I’m grateful for the appointment with the mobile assistance service for my mum next week. The permanent worry and her “everything is ok” attitude really gnaw at my nerves. I still wonder where she got the alcohol for her bullshit action on my birthday as she never leaves the house for shopping. I’ll get some al-anon literature in german, thanks @dazercat for quoting passages often, they are very helpful for me 
Send you all hugs and ODAAT. Whatever it is, it too shall pass 
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I’m grateful I’m posting here, when I don’t feel like I have to. It’s nice to post success too. It’s great to vent and leave your troubles you have with your addicted loved one here. But it’s also great to post success as well.
So many good things yesterday I wanted to post but never got around to it.
I caught myself on a downward codependent spiral Friday and posted about it left it here, got support and moved on. I watched my tongue, I didn’t say anything snarky. I didn’t clam up and not talk at all. I’m a master at that. Or use to be. Turned out to be a good day.
Then Saturday morning I read about sarcasm in ODAAT In Al-Anon and I felt validated, because I reigned in my tongue, wasn’t sarcastic or snarky about anything. I had some sarcastic thoughts. Of course I did. I had some resentments. That another story. Back to sarcasm.
I heard in rehab how sarcasm means to rip flesh. 
. And I was like Wow 
Think about that 
So my Al-Anon reading yesterday went like this.
Being raised in Boston, the snark tough guy, capital of the world, sarcasm was was like a beautiful symphony ingrained in my character for the first 18 years of my life. I mastered it and used it throughout my life whether it be for fun, to get laughs, or release stress. Or maybe just for attention People in Texas where not use to a tongue like mine. Anyway……. I been working on not using sarcasm since my kids rehab over 12 years ago. It’s really a useless fucking tool and can be very hurtful.
I still had sarcastic thoughts. I catch them. I giggle to myself about it. Then I pat myself on the back after I let it go without letting it out.
Anyway. That’s a pretty big victory for me. I’m actually rereading that passage again. I can’t believe how it use to help me relieve my pent up feelings and give me satisfaction. And yet it never made a situation better. NEVER! Usually my sarcasm was totally unwarranted and out of the blue because I was holding my feelings in and like I’m the one who’s starting shit.
I’m grateful for the amount of sarcasm that doesn’t come out of my mouth when it pertains to my loved one who is an addict.
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I’ve never been really sarcastic as I agree it can usually be hurtful to people however I have been working on a similar thing in keeping my thoughts to myself about “nagging” my husband on how he could be a better person if he didn’t drink. It’s just hard when I see how the drinking affects him and how he becomes forgetful which also intern can affect the safety of our animals because he’s the last one up and with the kitten he’s forgot to deal with a few things that could be possibly be dangerous for her at night… But it doesn’t make any difference if I talk about it to him. I’ve said it many many times and I don’t know why it would be any different this time. I also have to let go of the fact that I do think we would have a better relationship if he didn’t drink. I love him but I just feel alone sometimes because he can’t get up in the morning and so I go for walks to the beach by myself and sometimes I wish I could have some company. I know there are many people who aren’t morning people but I also know that the alcohol affects his ability to get up in the morning which sometimes makes me sad. Anyways I’ve talked to him about it before and he said he would try but nothing changes because obviously he’s an addict and there’s nothing I can do about it which I need to accept so there’s no point in being angry or disappointed. I had a nice walk to the beach by myself and came home and stayed quiet instead of bringing up the things that I think he should have done last night such as not leaving an open container of chip dip on the coffee table that the cat got into,or the toilet seat open with the bathroom door open because she’s already fallen in twice… I’m trying to take as much responsibility on myself as I can so I dont have to worry at night but then I just lose sleep because I’m up checking on things and making sure things are safe and he’s always up late so I don’t sleep well worrying about it… I’m totally rambling here but anyways I’m just trying to say there must be a better way for me to not have to lose sleep and still make sure things are safe for the animals but if I bring the cat into the bedroom and shut the door she keeps me up all night too so I feel like it’s a difficult one but all I know is reminding him and reminding him about things doesn’t help at all. If you got through all that thanks for reading if not it’s okay it just helped me to write it.
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Huge growth.
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Hey, you just keep sharing. My best friend here told me pity parties are no fun if you’re all alone. Or something like that. 
. Share away. It always helps me. And we got a lot of similarities with our spouses. I don’t know when or if my wife trained me on all the little animal safeties but we’ve had pets together for 40 years. I feel safety nagging is ok to do. It won’t be fun. It’ll probably suck. But our pets have always come first in our house. Tough situation with that kitten. Dang I forgot his name 
He/she is just so cute. And no you can’t lock a kitten up in a bedroom. Have you tried signs like on stickies to put toilet seat down? Ya it won’t be fun. But you might be able to make it fun. Like a sticky with the kittens picture on it. Don’t let me drown . And maybe blow off the chip dip for now. 1 thing at a time. I don’t know. Pet safety in our house has always been number 1.
Have you thought of Al-Anon meetings? I’ve said a hundred times I think it sucks that we are not the ones fucking up, and WE have to go to a meeting
I was telling Kelly I am seriously considering it. And I tried to explain it’s not about you. It’s about me. It wasn’t a fun chat. It never is. But we were all calm. My life was totally unmanageable when it was my children being the raging addicts. God and Al-Anon saved my life. After drinking with my wife for 38 years and now I’m sober, it’s just not the same situation. And I got my Al-Non tools to fall back on. They work for sobriety too. And I think like many things in life as I mentioned the other day. These codependent shit feelings come and go in cycles.
But, it’s the sharing that heals. Not the person that listens.
Believing In Myself
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Lol… I love this idea!
Thanks for your support your kindness and your humour. You really did make me laugh out loud❤️
I will consider looking into the Al-Anon.
kitty’s name is Lola by the way 
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Dear @Miranda Sorry to hear that. I also have the safety issue with the cats and a drunken husband. I am always afraid he leaves the door open / doesn’t close it properly so the cats can leave the house (he must smoke outside, no smoking inhouse). Which happened once and I’ll never forget the fear I felt until my ladycat was home again safe. Btw, she just slept in the garden and my now old boy tapped on the glass door when he saw her outside waiting for someone to open!!! I was so furious at my husband that he was not allowed to stay in my house drunken for years, I kicked him out each time and told him to fuck off to his family’s house. As @Dazercat said: Safety first. For me my cats always came first. Still do. That sounds rough but there are issues where I’m an absolute hard-liner with a no-fuckery-tolerance.
@Dazercat 's idea is good, I steal it for some other use 
Thanks!
As my cats grew/grow older, they mostly sleep in the bedroom by my side or on the scratching post. So I don’t worry a lot when husband is drunken now.
Hope you find a way to sleep well knowing Lola is safe and cared even when your husband drinks 
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Hi guys. Just hit 500 days sober but my husband is struggling. He is trying to stop drinking after 20 years of alcoholism but is failing. He wakes up and the anxiety is so bad that he throws up. I’m trying to support him but I don’t know what to do. Really need support myself because this is painful to watch and live through.
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Congrats on your 500 and nice to see you again JoMarch.
Your situation sounds very painful to have to watch. Have you all talked to a medical professional? I didn’t have to detox. But I’ve heard it can be very dangerous. I would think if he really wants to stop he would have to get some help. It’s so hard to do all alone. I think some medical help would be in order at this point.
I would suggest Alanon for you but right now that doesn’t seem like the thing you need right now. But It might be helpful if this is a common occurrence.
I wish I could give you more support.
Maybe an Alanon meeting is exactly what you need. I’m sure other people have been through what your going through.
Im so sorry you’re going through this.
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Thank you for the kind words of support.
I will join Alanon because it looks like it’s not going to end and he’s not going to stop. He holds down a job so detox/rehab can’t happen. It seems we’re stuck.
I’ll keep on keeping on and hope for a miracle
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It’s sad with a loved one because you do have to take care of yourself. We cannot let the alcoholic in our life control us and make our lives unmanageable. My life is pretty manageable with my spouse that drinks all the time.
There’s some good AlAnon literature on their web site.
My fave is Courage To Change.
Right now I’m reading ODAAT In AlAnon.
They’re just daily readers I’m been using my whole life.
you didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it
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Thank you 
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Congrats on 500 days! @JoMarch! I know how difficult it is to stay sober while living with an alcoholic so I give you a lot of credit. I did it for over a year and half.
When I got sober, my husband tried many times but failed miserably. There was absolutely nothing I could do to help him, other than live by example. Eventually he saw the benefits and finally had the will and determination to do it himself.
If we want sobriety bad enough, we’ll find a way. I held down a full time job while caring for a disabled child but still got myself to detox. I took vacation time for a week and went on an outpatient basis. I came home to my family every night. It was as if I went to work and it didn’t disrupt my family routine. After detox, I went to IOP a few days a week in the evening. I could have easily gotten short term disability if I didn’t have vacation time. If you’re located in the US, alcoholism qualifies for disability and employers can’t deny time off. Also, they can’t find out it’s due to alcoholism either so he’s pretected that way as well.
The best advice I have for you, is keep your sobriety a priority no matter what choice he makes and keep living by example. Come here often and vent, it helped me tremendously to get through some really dark days. Wishing you the best.
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Congrats on 500 days first
Sounds like your husband needs professional help. It’s hard when our loved ones struggle this hard. My experience is: I can do nothing. My husband has to go through bad outcomes of drinking on his own. I can be there having an eye and call an ambulance when I feel it’s necessary (did it some times).
Living by example is a concept that works for me. Sometimes. I also have to detach and do my own things before I get the feeling of resentment, frustration or get angry or we start a fight about his behaviour. Still have a lot of work to do on this but there are times I feel I can handle it better in a way that’s fine for me. The point is: My sobriety comes first, because otherwise I could not only not be there if my husband really needs me, no, I could not handle shit and daily life would turn unmanageable. First I have to be ok, then I can care about others. Reverse doesn’t work.
Send you strenght and good vibes
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Thanks Eric. Everytime I read your posts like this I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and I breathe easier❤️
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Checking in to get despair off my chest. On days like today I’m not sure I won’t lose my shit and choke my husband.
I came home at lunchtime after the weekly 3-stop-grocery shopping tour, tired, ready to cook, have a nap and rototill the patches for this years vegetables to be planted.
My husband was angry on his worker because he screw up with the lawnmover, yelled at me he drives off to buy beer because all is shit blablabla … Oh yes, he is sooo poor and to swig is the solution. 
I payed the worker and sent him home.
I really tried to find out what bothered my husband, but as always my conclusion is: He is not capable to instruct his workers in a way so they do the work he wants them to do correct.
I quitted sitting with his beer, anger and self pity, had a nap and wanted to change the dump body for the rototiller on the tractor. Asked him to help. Instead of helping he called me names, a lazy ass and nearly ruined the upper linkage. That was too much, I grabed some flower pots and threw them on him. Always the same bullshit: when I need help everything else is more important, he drinks and pisses me off.
He drove off, took the tractor key with him (!!!) so I couldn’t get anything done. Thank you asshole, today was perfect weather for farm work, tomorrow rain is forecasted.
An hour ago the local police officers called me. He had a minor car body damage. If I could pick him up? I did and he was not through the frontdoor yet he started nagging again.
Well, with 2 per mille I guess he can collect his driving license in 2 month. And I will NOT chauffeur him.
I planned such a nice sunday. Thanks for ruining everything I’m looking forward to. Always.
Now I cuddle my cats who share the bed with me and will fall asleep soon. Than God for sleeping aid, otherwise I would be upset, desperate, furious, exhausted, tired all at once for the entire night. And I have to collect his car tomorrow, it parks on private property. That’s half an hour walk. I’m so sick of this shit. 5 nice days and bäng! asshole again.
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I’m so sorry to read this. It sounds like a great day just went to hell. I hate to give advice. That’s not what I want to be here for. And I’m going to try not to give you advice.
With that said.
Rescuing the addict is exhausting and enabling. And it is really hard to not want to rescue your loved one because it totally affects you. But in the rescuing there’s enabling. (“I know she’ll bail me out.”) It really sucks!!
What’s the worst that can happen if you don’t go pick up HIS car. You don’t have to tell me.
Shit this really sucks!!
Boundaries
so you won’t rescue
so you are not enabling.
I’ll keep you in my prayers. Enjoy cuddle time with the kittens. And I hope you get some sleep.
I’m glad you at least got it off your chest here.
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