I have been sober for 3 years and 7 months. I live in the same town I’ve always lived. I hate it here! I’m trying to move about 1.5-2 hours away from here so that I can still see my two children that my mother adopted when I was in the madness. I have so many enemies here, bad memories, friends/family that are hooked, and men who traumatized me. The man I love has been on meth since he was 13. He’s finishing his probation in jail because he relapsed and wouldn’t open up and be honest with me. I knew, I couldn’t catch him to prove it but I knew. All the fighting and accusations weren’t me, they were him. Now that he’s locked up he wishes he would have went to rehab and asked me if I would find him one to go to the day he gets released (I have found him the perfect place). I’m just hoping he follows through… how do I spend this time while he is In jail, I want to help and not enable? This can be a challenge for me because that line is so fine that you don’t know you’ve crossed it until it’s too late. What steps and advice can I use to not allow him to drag me into a financial or emotional pit? But still helping him to get clean? I feel so guilty watching all my loved ones and friends suffer and struggle and me getting clean when they can’t find the hope to. How do I help without letting it destroy me?
One of the emotional skills we learn in recovery is the independence to be sympathetic without taking over someone else’s responsibilities. We can’t do emotional labour for others - it’s impossible - the same way it’s impossible for others to do emotional work for us. Ultimately if we try to do that, it’s like trying to plug holes in a dam when the owner of the dam isn’t doing any work trying to maintain it themselves. We all have our own emotional landscape to maintain - we don’t have energy to maintain two or more emotional landscapes.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy. It’s hard watching someone suffer when you know (or you think you know) it could be better. But believe me when I say there is nothing you can do until that person wants it for themselves
I went to rehab twice. In my first attempt I went to detox and then to a halfway house. Halfway house didn’t work. I came back home and relapsed within days. I had 60+ days of sobriety. I struggled for a couple of months and then went back to detox 3 days before signing myself out and asking for a ride back home. I did my drug of choice in the lesser choice of routes one last time…I never completed the first step in the 12 steps… however despite being clean and having accomplished quiet a bit I’m still discourages and wished that I had completed the 12 steps so that I could handle some of the emotional issues that led to the addiction in the first place. This year has been a really hard year to deal with these issues and I wonder if 12 stepping is still possible? Or can I still stay sober or help anyone else if I haven’t 12 stepped and I don’t attend meetings?
It’s never too late to start step work! They are the foundation of my recovery (and meetings of course)…
Do you attend meetings? I would find a sponsor if you don’t have one to guide you through the step work. It’s not recommended to go through that process alone. A lot of things came up for me, and my sponsor was always just a call/text away.
I know people with 20+ years clean who are on their umpteenth set of steps.
You gotta build your personal integrity and strength before you can help others with theirs. It’s never too late to start step work and sober learning - get back in the saddle, revisit the meetings, and you’ll gain insight and stability in your life.
Do you go to AA? Have the meetings been opening up around you?
My town struggles to keep a steady meeting and a steady location. Most of the time there aren’t meetings at all… my town is horrible. They believe in punishment over recovery. It’s a revolving door around here. I hope to be getting away from here ASAP! I feel as though an Al-Anon meeting would be beneficial!
The best way is to serve as a non-judgmental example of sobriety. You know what it is to be addicted, and you know the strength it takes to obtain and maintain sobriety.
Let your light shine, always. Show him there’s a better way, by living it yourself. Encourage him while he struggles, refrain from chastising or harsh criticism if he slips.
Let your light shine, even when you are having a bad day. Shout the good, and whisper the bad.
That was beautifully worded. Thank you so much!!
I’m trying so hard to be understanding and not be harsh out of hurt and frustration. I tend to allow other people actions and words to be taken personally and have a hard time convincing myself that it’s not about me it’s about that person. I’m trying to be loving and supportive but scared of crossing the threshold. But luckily I have found a 5 star rehab and hour or so away that accepts his insurance!
Spend your time building on what youve done so far to ensure your sobriety, congratulations on your 43months! Great job doing the work to get free from your addiction. When he finishes his time and goes to treatment good, less worry for you. But remember its his choice where he puts himself, your recovery is whats important hang onto it dont let the guilt of everyone elses use bring you down. What i was told by sponsor you work your program dont co sign for everyone elses BS or try and take inventory for anyone else but you. Stay strong, stay motivated, stay sober and be well!
Thank you so much! I think it’s time to start finding some meetings! And a sponsor and work on the steps I never did. I feel like it is vital to my sobriety right now that I do. Thank you for your kind and insightful advice
