I don’t think I can continue living with a daily drinker. Not because I’m tempted in any way to go back down that path, quite the opposite actually. I find it appalling that that was once me.
I can’t ask him to quit drinking and I don’t think he ever will reach that point, sadly.
We’ve been partners for 13 ish years and this is just an inevitable goodbye.
Life is so complicated.
Do any of you successfully maintain relationships with alcoholics?
I guess it’s kind of a silly question now that I’ve typed it out.
Hi @SoberSassy i got to one day off of sixty days four years ago with my daughter s dad still drinking ,not like me but a couple everyday he wouldn’t stop and he thought I shouldn’t stop “just control myself” and that I was weak. if I could of done that I wouldn’t of needed to stop. I tried giving up weed too but he was smoking it every night I ended up drinking and smoking again dropped out of my meeting s and got to a worse place than before . I left him after a friends wedding day hell!!! and carried on untill the 15-7-24 . He still drinks now with his new wife but doesn’t smoke weed anymore. people find their own way or maybe they never do all I know from experience is it didn’t work for me and I needed to be on my own to figure me out before I could be in a relationship with anyone else . Im taking advice and not getting into any relationship s for the first year of my sobriety. I hope you get good advice on this thread and not just my opinion sending you love and hugs my friend
Sending you strength as I understand that must be so hard to navigate and decide on. I know some people will counter my thoughts on this, and confirm that they managed to find and flourish in common ground and acceptance.
Personally, it’s a no for me. If they are casual drinkers, maybe. Problem drinkers, no. I don’t want that addiction in my face, nor the sloppiness or the other trappings. Nope thanks.
I am certain you will perhaps get some ideas and support through the Al Anon route should you want to fight for the relationship however.
I think being honest with yourself is the best option, however the cards fall.
@Dazercat has a recovery that includes his relationship with a spouse who is still drinking alcoholically. He is someone whose counsel I would seek if I were in this situation. As we say around here “He’s good people”.
Not a silly question at all, it’s a valid question that shines light on the many facetts of living sober with an active alcoholic.
For me it ended when I couldn’t burden the drunken behaviour, ignorance and lovelessness of my ex anymore. Living WITH him would have been ok, but I was living beside him and he cared shit about our relationship detertiorating. I’m not a person who can live with someone not seeing any problem when the situation is eating me up in desperation, hurt, frustration and no glimpse of change in the future. I’m not willing to change, suffer and accomodate beside a loved one who doesn’t care.
As sayed, everyone finds their own way. Sending you hugs
It’s a tumultuous ride and I have to agree. I can’t compromise myself any longer.
It eats at me. I am always trying to keep a controlled environment. Jumping through hoops just so he has some consistency and doesn’t go off and drink outside. Like I’m trying to train a dog.
It’s exhausting and I realize the answer isn’t in trying to control him or my environment. It’s in letting it go completely. hugs
Yep, tumultous, exhausting, training a dog instead of interaction with a responsibly acting partner … this echoes deep in me
Whatever you do, focus on yourself and say goodby to control and codependent patterns. It was freeing for me to put my energy into MY forthcoming. And nothing else. It’s a long way. We are here for you
Good luck with figuring out what you need, we will be here for you. Everyone’s recovery and comfort threshold is different of course and there are probably hundreds of other factors to take into account, the most important being whether you are still in love/loved and wanting to stay together. It’s a heavy one.
I have to say that although I’m sorry many people here have been in this spot or are in this spot and have experienced this type of hell, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. 🩷❤️🩹
I’m sorry what you’re going through.
And yes it is possible to live and love someone who drinks. Well it’s possible for me.
I think maybe you’ve already checked out the thread @Matt sent you.
I cannot express how much Al-Anon has saved my life. And now my marriage. It’s a great fellowship. I started going to Al-Anon again before I went to AA. There’s a lot of us blessed with double recovery. I’ve learned so much about this disease and more importantly learned so much about myself.
No one tells me what to do. I just hear others share about their experience strength and hope. And I keep going back. Because I always feel better after a meeting. It fills that spiritual tank that gets depleted during the week. And it’s so great to know I’m not alone. There’s tons of us out there.
Thank you so much. 🩷
The concept of uprooting my life and splitting up our shared pets breaks my heart.
I feel relieved we don’t have children together.
I do love the sober version of him.
But I don’t think it’ll be enough.
However I will check out Al Anon. It sounds like it’s been extremely helpful for you.
I’m so curious though. Does your wife know or feel you’d be happier if she didn’t drink?
Does she know how much emotional labor you invest?
I have never lived with a partner who drinks problematically so I cannot give you any guidance. My heart breaks for you though, so I just wanted to send this small token of support
Yes she knows how much emotional labor I invest. But I’m learning I’m putting that into me. And I’m worth it.
There’s a saying that took me some time getting use to. “If I’m not the problem. Then there’s no solution.”
It goes so much deeper than just her drinking.
I’m addicted to finding fault in people.
I’m addicted to perfection.
I’m addicted to judging people.
It wouldn’t matter if she was drinking or not.
Great question.
I’ve told her I’d be happier if she didn’t drink.
But would I ? I don’t know. Course I’d be happier if she didn’t pass out on the couch every night. But it’s not personal. It’s a disease.
Also a little of my back story is. We were drinking buddies for 38 years! She didn’t ask for this. Married 41 years now and it’s like she has cancer or MS or Parkinson’s. I would not leave her. This is just part of our life story now. We’ve been through a lot in that many years. And I’m safe. I can take her It’s not like she’s out driving around endangering people places or things. And she’s not gaslighting me or a narcissist or shit like that.
I do think it’s funny when she reminds me, “don’t you have a meeting to go to?”
It’s definitely different for everyone. There’s no right or wrong way to do things in Al-Anon. But Al-Anon has taught me to live my own live. And I can’t have my happiness depend on someone else’s behavior.
Sorry.
Did mean to go on so long. Guess I needed that.
Appreciate your questions.
I definitely appreciate that response and a peek into your own experience with it.
Spoken like a true loving husband.
And I’m glad she’s not the violent type or anything unmanageable.
There is a sense of loyalty in my dynamic as well. We met young, I was a bartender, he was a patron. You know, where true love is found
We have also spent many years as drinking buddies. I’d say more lows than highs in that aspect.
We’ve mellowed out with time, he gave up hard liquor because that was an entirely different animal.
Also like you mentioned “if I’m not the problem, there is no solution”…
I realized I had to stop pointing fingers and take accountability for my part in it all and give up the poison completely.
I’m sure like a lot of people experience, it also drove a greater divide between us because at least before I could “cope” with the frustration. Bring myself down to that level and just survive.
That’s not enough for me anymore.
I know these things take time.
I’m happy you have found some tools in your situation and you love her with such fierce loyalty. It’s beautiful. 🩷
Hello I’m Emilie and I an alcoholic with 2+ years sober married to a man who drinks daily. Your topic seems timely as we are experiencing a great deal of stress at the moment with a move. I think my brain will be more honest than if we were in great times.
I’m not sure how I feel about my marriage since my sobriety. I am more happy and settled than I previously was. And I am taking this opportunity to work on my self-worth, which I think has been lacking most of my life.
We met working as bartenders and had all the fun that alcohol afforded us. I had been dabbling with extreme binges but bartending and that culture really opened that door wide open.
We had crazy adventures and lots of fun until my anxiety hangovers got to be debilitating. Then I started considering and eventually discovering sobriety.
Sobriety is the way for me. I can’t go back. My husband sees me modeling a healthier lifestyle (he also smokes too much, I recently quit) and remarks that he should be healthier but nothing comes of it. His former athletic body is carrying 25 extra pounds and a cough that is getting worse. His health is a mess.
His life is up to him. All I can do is offer love and support. Do I love him? Honestly more each day. Well shoot! I didn’t know I was going to say that.
I think I am only really discovering what love is in sobriety. Maybe love is nagging him to be healthier, I honestly haven’t tried that.
Thanks for letting me ramble, I needed this tonight. Whatever choice you make will be the right one for you. I sense you are leaning toward leaving and that is good. Your heart is showing you the way forward. I appreciate you talking it out here and letting me do the same.
and that I was weak. if I could of done that I wouldn’t of needed to stop. I tried giving up weed too but he was smoking it every night I ended up drinking and smoking again dropped out of my meeting s and got to a worse place than before . I left him after a friends wedding day hell!!! and carried on untill the 15-7-24 . He still drinks now with his new wife but doesn’t smoke weed anymore. people find their own way or maybe they never do all I know from experience is it didn’t work for me and I needed to be on my own to figure me out before I could be in a relationship with anyone else . Im taking advice and not getting into any relationship s for the first year of my sobriety. I hope you get good advice on this thread and not just my opinion sending you love and hugs my friend 
It’s not like she’s out driving around endangering people places or things. And she’s not gaslighting me or a narcissist or shit like that.