Sober Rosa Feels All The Feels

Emotional Support
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I have seen similar messages from various sources and it always rings true:

“Motivation is something that comes and goes, but being dedicated to a better, healthier version of yourself, that is something you can control. Dedication over motivation all day long. It is nice to have motivation, but when the motivation fades over time, which it does, you still have to be dedicated to being a healthier version of yourself.”

This just happens to be a quote from a local news report about a man who made incremental changes to lose a significant amount of weight and improve his health, but it can be applied to anything, sobriety/recovery included. Motivation and willpower alone were never enough for me to not drink and to not take better care of myself overall. Dedication is one word, it could be called discipline, determination, etc. Not picking up a drink is step one, but what I do instead counts for so much from a long-term wellness perspective. I keep saying I am going to do x, y, z, and I start and stop new healthy habits. What I’ve been missing, I think, is more focus on finding the infrastructure, routine and dedication to be healthier, striking a balance and making those incremental changes so I don’t burn out on things, too.

The article also talked about changing things up and keeping activities interesting and fresh. I really like that thought! A resolution of sorts that I have this year is to do something creative every day, no matter how small, and I kind of started in December and am seeing benefits, for sure.

As a self-proclaimed recovering perfectionist, I find myself diving in to all the changes I want to make too quickly and getting overwhelmed, or on the other hand feeling like I can’t do what I’m striving to do “perfectly” so I just procrastinate. Incremental change is going to be a key for me to make some healthy lifestyle changes that help me with my physical as well as mental health. I plan to look into SMART tools around goals (SMART stands for goal-setting that is Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely, but in the recovery world the acronym is Self-Management and Recovery Training and I was trained in using them both in the business management application and personal recovery programs in a previous life).

It’s great that I have some solid activities and resources that I engage in and can rely on daily, but I do tend to slide in other areas like diet and exercise that will be really important to improve for my challenges with my health - I’ve felt stagnant and even slipping in areas and I know it’s crucial to my recovery to work on my discipline and routine, not just rely on motivation. Especially when wintertime gets to be such a bear! Now’s the time to get on it instead of looking back at another winter of hibernation and low mood. Here I go! Whole-heartedly and with an eye on whole health, day by day with a glance to the future, as well. Glad to be here with all my amigos and welcome to new and returning folks. Thanks for reading. - Rosa :heartpulse:

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Yeah, willpower is like a muscle we can strengthen but eventually will give way after some time. Maybe in the afternoon. I am having hard times with motivation and willpower especially in the light of letting go, being gentle to myself. Where is the balance. Not comparing myself to others will be a goal for my this year. Which might mean stepping away from TS also, eventually, I mean from certain kind of threads.
Integrity is what comes to my mind also which is represented by the element fire. Like Menno often says, recovery is a journey, lifelong. No sprint but a marathon.

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Yes! To all of this. This is on my mind, as well. We can be so hard on ourselves. Just like we need to try and meet people where they are in offering support, we can do the same for/with ourselves.

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Love the ‘instead’ addition. :heartbeat: As my healthy lifestyle journey continues (which at this point is simply ‘life’), I have worked in a lot of new habits and ways of living and let others go. Balance. Rarely a strong suit of mine, so I get it. I definitely struggle at being all in, then off. But I guess I look at this more as some of the stuff sticks long term and others is just not meant for me at this time. Idk. I am all for trying things on and see if they spark happiness and joy…especially re physical activity and food nourishment. I don’t have the years left to be wasting on things that don’t serve my soul.

Much the same with threads here, @anon74766472. I don’t visit / engage in various threads for similar reasons I think. Some threads are overwhelming for me (check in being one and IDK why people send newbies there, it heightens anxious feelings in my body, but that is just me), the workout ones, food ones…bring stuff up I don’t need to deal with here. For me, keeping my presence more recovery / sobriety focused works. Everyone is different in what they are looking for / needing / ready to receive. But if it isn’t feeling like a positive add, I let it go. Again, idk, just where I am at.

Love your musings Rosa!! :heart: And Diamonster :gem:!

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Yes to this. I know for me, I need to gain mastery in one thing before I can fully devote myself to the next. Others experience may be different.

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You’re absolutely right there.

In terms of a SMART goal, I haven’t mapped anything out quite yet and just started talking about it in therapy but I can come back and post at some point. Off the top of my head, a super basic one would be to walk my dog everyday and start walking on my treadmill afterward. It’s specific and it’s relevant to getting more movement, attainable especially because I can go directly from the dog walk (which I already do most days) to the treadmill in my basement, and I can think about measurable goals for length of time, incline, and speed, as well as some kind of measure around impact on migraine frequency, etc.

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SMART goals take me right back to nursing school. And to nursing practise as well. Financing health care is built around it these days as government and health insurance companies want measurable attainable specific results, after specified amounts of treatments, in a specified amount of time.

But in mental health they can be bloody hard (if not impossible) to formulate. And especially in the treatment of complicated mental health problems like my own. Starting Pesso group therapy my therapists couldn’t even give me an idea of the time it would take to get results. A couple of years maybe? And how will I know I’m finished? So I’m curious how the insurance company feels about it.

Looking only at addiction I can see stuff a little bit clearer. By aiming for a next (fourth) full year of sobriety I set a Specific Measurable goal. I know it is Attainable for me as I have the previous experience of going a day, a week, a month, and previous full years. It’s totally Relevant because I have learned the importance remaining Sober for me has. And it is tied to a specific Time (June 8 2023) when I can evaluate the last year and see if I want to adjust my goal for the next year, like trying controlled drinking for a change (hell no!!!).

So I think that’s a reasonable SMART goal for me. There is however a lot of smaller SMART goals needed to make it work. Like how to work on my physical fitness. How to work on my mental health. How to work on my social skills and interactions. How to develop myself further professionally. And more. This is not staying sober, this is actually my journey of discovery. Hard work. Lots of SMART goals to formulate. But good and very useful to think about it in that way.

@RosaCanDo: but what is your actual smart goal? I see at least 4 possible different ones already in what you write. It’s complicated stuff my friend x

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Right?! I’ve got a workbook I haven’t opened, a decade since I’ve practiced it, and hopefully a therapist that can help guide me. I’ll get there, maybe? Can my SMART goal be to learn how to make SMART goals for now? :rofl:

I’m not even sure I want to delve into smart for mental health stuff, but we will see.

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I’m considering a weekly summation post on here to reflect on the week and what has been rolling around in the old noggin. Dealing with some bad insomnia this week, but I’ve fed myself well, walked Miss Lupe every day, stretch my body, read and journal and spend time on TS, be creative every day, and I got on the treadmill, breaking the ice there. Doing the damn things. I even say that as a sort of mantra now when I move through my day and the developing/evolving routine - “Just do the damn thing already!” It makes me smirk and I like that. It doesn’t matter to me much the levels or quality yet, exploring SMART goals will come when I have a better sense of where I am right now and what I want through discussions with my therapist, but just doing the things I have in mind generally for my wellness routine is an accomplishment. Go me!

I am not looking to lose x amount of weight or fit into y pair of pants, or other such ideas - I know I’m very lucky not have had these motivations or obsessive thoughts. I do, however, want to feel better. I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, I don’t have energy levels that I’d like, I don’t feel as strong in my body as I have in the past, and I am pissed off about these damn migraines and the insomnia that plague me. I have gut issues and struggle more frequently than I would like with anxiety and depressive states. I know some levels are normal (whatever that means. Normal to me, I guess) but I am seeking in a nebulous way (for now) to make lifestyle changes to improve these areas. I thought a lot about this during the past week, and I had a lot of time to think without much sleep. I have hopeful feelings right now. I made some progress this week. I’ll spend some time journaling and starting to formulate some plans for next week.

I also know that a big issue for me to look at is maintaining routines over the weekend as well. It is something for my husband and I to work on together, separately, if that makes sense. We are mostly always together and our energies are intertwined, so if there is a lazy vibe it compounds. But I have control over myself and I have the agency to shift that to healthier behavior. Rest is important, too, but the level of hibernation we have fallen into isn’t healthy.

Okay that’s enough. Blah blah and on we go to Friday evening figuring out what to have for dinner, the usual! Last note - sobriety has afforded me the opportunity to even have these thoughts and take action on them for a healthier me. That’s número uno! Have a good weekend to whoever managed to read this far :heartpulse:

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Go you! Doing the damn things!! :clap: :slightly_smiling_face::+1:

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Proud of you for taking positive steps towards a healthier rosa

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If no one has told you yet today let me be the first, I’m proud of you. Keep putting in the work and if you get discouraged look back at where you started. :bouquet:

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Dude. I did need to hear that and didn’t even know it. Thank you :smiling_face_with_tear:

And thank you @SassyRocks @Cjp @Bootz for your kind words of support and encouragement. It’s a boost I’ll gladly accept :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: and Cjp thanks for saying you’re proud of me, too. We all need to feel a bit of pride in ourselves sometimes and it helps when friends prompt the feeling :heartpulse:

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My absolute pleasure. :kissing_heart:

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Might as well post this since I am awake and it’s past midnight, even though I was born at 8 pm I think. Birthday! 41. Another sober birthday and I am grateful for this phase of my life but I don’t take it for granted, either. It’s never going to be easy living with a person who loves beer and the occasional bottle of tequila or whisky and brewing beer. The guy I got together with because we both brought a bottle of wine to a bonfire when everyone else was drinking “stupid shit.” Lots of bonding over drinking. It’s hard. He handles it well for himself but it was my downfall. I don’t want to go on about this because, well, what is there to say that hasn’t been said. I will say it has gotten easier and since I’m not his drinking buddy he doesn’t drink excessively these days. I’d always imagined I’d be the normie. Turns out it’s him.

I never know what I’ll look like in a selfie but I think I look comfortable and more self-assured than I feel. Which is actually a comfort. But I’ve also always been told I had a calm exterior compared to the firestorm in my mind. The one I tried to douse with booze. Hah! Turns out it’s just a fuel and not just that but the effects last longer than the incendiary bit.

What is there to say on this birthday? I’ve been through a rough patch but am coming out. It seems like a January event now. Sucks when you have to force yourself to get excited about your own birthday because of these fucking winter blues. I do feel myself coming out of the blues. It kinda makes sense since I’ve seen this day as a personal new year for a long time. It’s okay. I’ll get to it. I’m feeling much better after this bout of illness. I will cook myself a lovely dinner tomorrow. It’s a Tuesday and my husband had his work call with the Korea team at 7pm/1900. A regular day. I’ll try to find my small joys tomorrow. Happy to be sober in this. This blah. But it’s sober blah. Yippee!

Thanks for reading.

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Happy birthday! I’m glad you’re coming out of your rough patch.
I’m hoping one of these days that the fact that your husband drinks will mean nothing to you. (Or that he’ll quit )
That you will be strong in your sobriety and know that it is exactly what you want for you and not feel challenged or upset by the fact that your husband drinks.
( Of course there are parameters around this. He has to act like a normal person when he drinks, If there even is such a thing and sometimes I don’t think that there really is.)

I drank and then I quit. I thought it was going to be the end of my world. But I liked being a non-drinker. It was what I wanted for me.

Others drinking around me never tempted me. Then for years I tolerated it. Now I don’t have much tolerance for it, so it just depends on how you go with it, one day at a time.

Regardless, have a good year, have a most wonderful and good birthday!

Shine and sparkle, like you do, on your good days and soothe and take care of yourself on your days that are not so good. Hopefully the better days will win out.

Hopefully your headaches are going to go away. At some point I would expect them to.

Hugs!!

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Thank you, Alisa. I feel I should clarify. I might be in a down mood tone but I am not at all feeling down about my relationship. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had and my biggest supporter. I definitely made it sound “woe is me” when I talked about his drinking. Mostly for me to get me own thoughts out and any hints of urges out, too. I’ll admit I do have them at times. Special occasions are a big trigger. If I made it sound like it’s all his fault? That’s on me. My bad. And I’ll admit having it my environment isn’t always comfortable. But what does that mean? I think it means I have more work to do on myself. And I’m doing the work. Well, trying to. I am so grateful to my husband that he is rarely drunk. I think I’ve only seen him drunk off his ass three or four times in our 16+ years together. Amazing. He is kind and has often offered to remove all alcohol from the house in my early days. Not needed and I’m glad for it now, but when I have trouble I do talk to him about it and he will be there to help.

I do appreciate your message and it’s a reminder for me to keep working on myself. Thank you.

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Happy birthday Rosa :star::fireworks:

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Without going back and reading what I wrote, no, I don’t at all feel like there’s a problem with the two of you. Not at all, y’all are very compatible and loving with each other. He drinks, you don’t. I know that that’s not a super huge problem. He’s not falling over drinking, first of all.
Apologies from me for anything that I might’ve said that you may have thought that I thought it was a problem between the two of you. Not at all.

What I was trying to emphasize is that at some point in your sobriety I’m hoping that it will almost become a non-issue with you. He drinks, you don’t.

As you’re saying you can even tell him when it’s bothering you more and he is then cognizant of that and responds.

He drinks sometimes and as you say his drinking isn’t super significant.

For most of my non-drinking I’ve been around people who did drink and it didn’t bother me at all. It certainly didn’t trigger me or tempt me.

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Happy birthday Rosa! I hope your year is full of peaceful sobriety, more good days than bad, snuggles with your favorite peeps (Lupe included there) and delicious food. :heart:

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