Sober Rosa Feels All The Feels

It feels good to feel again. Not feel good, per se, although I do feel pretty good at times, but to feel at all. After reaching roughly 35 days of abstinence from alcohol I stopped counting – I suffered a tremendous personal loss that changed my world. I am still coming to terms with the loss of a dear one in my life to the coronavirus. I didn’t reach for the booze right away, but instead found myself in a relapse of another sort, slipping to a point that I had not been in quite some time. It really caught me by surprise, if you can believe it, since this is not the first time things have gotten this bad.

The days in bed, zero self-care, week or more without showering or combing my hair or brushing my teeth, rarely eating, forcing myself to even drink water, you get the picture. Lying to my family, saying “I’m okay,” but knowing that they knew and could only keep checking on me and showing me love through texts and voice mail messages. Depression is a hell of a state of mind. I scared the shit out of my husband – he started coming to sit by me in bed and said he would not stop trying, even though I was downright mean at times. “I’ll be fine,” “Just leave me alone,” “What do you expect me to say,” (when asked how I am doing), and so on. I longed for the time when he would leave the house to go to work – instead, with him working from home in the room across the hall from the bedroom I could not hide away like I was wanting to. My experience with depression also includes terrible gastrointestinal pain, migraines, and other physical pain, in addition to the emotional detachment and sometimes self-loathing, negative self-talk. “I’m not worth it,” “What’s the point,” “I can’t believe I’m this useless.” Pure misery. Except for the company of my dogs who rarely left my side. They are my saving grace.

This went on for about a month, before I decided drinking was a good idea. What a great one that was. (read: sarcasm) But really, I didn’t care, and the booze made me feel SOMETHING. I felt like myself again, at first. I was eating and engaging and putting on a happy face at times. And then I was right back in the anxiety, depression, binge drinking cycle again. I would try to clean myself up during the week and binge on the weekend. Same old story. For about 3 months. Another anniversary of trauma came and went – I have no doubt that it was a contributing factor in this whole episode.

After another week-long binge where I was “hiding” my drinking from my husband again during the week (who am I kidding, right?), something shifted. I started reading on TS again, I started engaging more with friends and family by text and on social media after having isolated completely as hard as I possibly could.

I participated in a zoom group breathwork session led by an old friend in Tucson, AZ, and it was the first time in a long time that I had really engaged with people, people I didn’t even know, and the shell started cracking. Intense breathwork led by a skilled practitioner can be a powerful healing tool – believe what you will regarding the woo woo aspects of the practice, what you’re doing is essentially flooding your body with oxygen and getting a natural “high” of sorts that leaves you blissed out and connected, for real. I started practicing breathwork on my own, as well as meditation again, reading self-help and motivational books again, doing the things that bring me joy again, and slowly letting go of the booze again. I felt myself waking up, clawing my way out of the quagmire and reaching toward the dim light ahead that was becoming brighter and brighter the harder I fought.

I realized that while I had done well in abstaining for that 35 days around March this year, I really was (am) lacking in coping skills for dealing with emotions and have not addressed triggers and traumas I’ve experienced in my life. I signed up for online therapy with Talkspace, which was a huge deal for me. I have been considering therapy or counseling for years, maybe even close to a decade, and didn’t even know where to begin with that (even though I spent 8+ years of my career working in the mental health world – go figure). I just started messaging with the therapist I selected this week and already I see the benefits that it will bring, particularly in identifying stressors/triggers and ways to cope, getting out of my head and reframing my thoughts, and addressing health concerns I have. I finally made myself an appointment as a new patient with a primary care doctor to address my medical concerns, which is also a huge step for me. We’ll be discussing depression’s interaction with any physical health concerns and whether medication might be an option going forward.

I am at 10 days sober now, though my last serious binge was a month ago. I have identified some lessons in the process this time around, for sure, and know that I am building off of my previous experience. My biggest regret is wasting almost 5 months to depression and alcohol! Pandemic panic, politics, stress about the state of our country and the anxiety around all of those things still keeps me up at night but I am managing better now.

This couldn’t have come at a better time, thank the gods or whoever, because my 9-year-old dog had a medical crisis last week and we are in the midst of determining what is going on with him. If I had been in the midst of depression or drinking, I would not have handled it as well as I have been able to, much less be the dog parent I need to be to care for him properly. I have been up nights with him, taken him to the vet, taken care of his meds, and given him the love and attention he needs right now. He had an ultrasound on his heart yesterday, and we should be hearing tomorrow what the prognosis is.

I want to say thank you to those of you who asked where I was and how I was doing – I can only apologize for not responding at that time and say that I commit to not doing a disappearing act in the future. It’s my M.O. and something I desperately want to change. And thank you to those of you who read my novel (ha!) and I look forward to engaging in this community again. My goal is to at least check in, read some posts, and contribute a bit each day. It feels good to be back, folks.

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It’s so good to see you’re name pop up again. I’m glad you’re back. Sorry to hear of your struggles. You are so very resilient & strong, my dear. Sending massive hugs :hugs:

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Stay…love and light your way.

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Welcome back Rosa,
Thank you for sharing. Checking in is a great idea to do. I did that every day the first year of my sobriaty and that helped me to stay focussed and on track.
I hope your dog is getting better soon. It’s hard when your furry friend is not feeling well :pensive:

See you around 🙋

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Hi Rosa, sorry to read about your stuggles but glad to hear you’re building back up day by day. Hugs to your dog :dog:. I’m certain your sun will shine bright again :high_brightness:

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Thanks so much for the welcome back. I so appreciate your kind words, big time. :blush:

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Thank you so much. Doggy hugs all day!!!

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Thank you thank you for the comment, much appreciated! I’m glad to be connecting here again.

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Welcome back Rosa. Sorry to hear about all your struggles including your poor dog. Please try to stay connected with us no matter what’s going on. Better days are in your future. Sending you a big hug. :hugs:

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Thanks a bunch, I really mean it. I intend to stay connected, for it is the only way I will succeed in my goals. I will fight my isolationist tendencies! :two_hearts: Thanks for the virtual hugs.

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(Trigger Warning - brief description of dog near death health crisis)

I read through this post from 4 months ago tonight for motivation and insight and I was not disappointed. I think it could be beneficial for me to continue this thread with some additional thoughts, and I see others seem to benefit from a “personal” thread, so why not give it a go. Mostly I need a place to get some thoughts out of my head right now.

Reading the original post here floods me with feelings and a lot of them haven’t changed much. I am still so grateful to be sober during a time when my puppy dog has needed me, but I also see that there was some serendipity there. I chose sobriety and recovery to work on being my best self before there was any crisis , though it has stuck in part because I have had a purpose in caring for my sick dog. I had lost a sense of purpose in my life, and my sense of self worth went with it. This is something I want to work on, knowing my inherent worth as a human.

I’m laying here next to that same dog, Chucho aka Mr. Chooch, who had a massive heart attack tonight (best guess, anyway). He’s sleeping and breathing calmly now. And even dreaming sweet doggy dreams. It was traumatic for all of us, obviously most of all for him. We were gathered around trying to comfort him and decide the best course of action while he seized there on the floor, not breathing but seemingly trying to gasp for air at ever longer intervals, and I thought for sure he was leaving us. We managed to get him in a more natural position and I checked his airway (since he had vomited) which seemed clear. It was an utterly helpless feeling. All we could do was be fully present, try to comfort our other dog Lupe as well, who was not quite panicked (but close), and let Chucho know we were there with him. It was terrifying. But we were there, in this truly existential crisis, and I don’t know how else to describe it other than being acutely aware of life and the potential for it to be ending. It felt both surreal and as real as it gets. Time stopped. I just did what I have done during his previous episodes (though none this dramatic), stroke him and talk to him gently, tell him I love him, that I’m sorry he hurts. But he came around after a bit, gosh it seemed like coming back from the brink.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but right at the moment I am just here watching my dog breathe. My purpose is to just be.

Chucho has taught me acceptance. In the past, I have frequently fought accepting certain realities in my life. I have hid from hard truths. I have avoided scary things. But if there is someone I love who needs me, I’m there. Do for others before myself has been my way. I’ve bordered on acting like a martyr - it’s not a good look. This has never been a sustainable way. I have crashed and burned a lot as a result. Choosing to cope by drinking alcohol has not just made things worse, but it has amplified these tendencies.

I have had to take good care of myself in order to be able to care for my dog. I’ve struggled with my own health issues, and had to take a step back and ask for help at times, which was a giant leap for me.

The longer I’m sober, the more I understand that I have to continue to learn about myself. It’s just the beginning. But I see no other way than forward now. When Chucho’s time comes to go (it’s coming soon), I will honor him and what he has helped me to learn by continuing on this path, moving forward, taking things as a day at a time, and working on being a better me. Lordy, I’m gonna miss this kiddo.

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Oh Rosa. My heart goes out to you. I might have said before, Lady died in my arms after a long time fitting - not the same circumstances, but I can relate a bit. It was horrible but I took comfort in the fact that I was there and she didn’t have to go through that as her last experience of life on her own.

It is a hard habit to break and a difficult one to understand. Maybe it is easier to help others than to help ourselves… To distract away from the decisions we have to make or admit to the help we need?

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I am so sorry to read this. I know u are hurting, but all u can do is be there for him, as u always have, it will bring him comfort. He is a fortunate dog to have experienced such love, and have people all over the world caring about his well-being. Be strong for him.

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Thank you, Sian, for sharing again. You’ve said something that hit me pretty deep. I think it’s absolutely a big part of where the focus on helping others stems from. At the very least, I know my ego is wrapped up in it, but I do think there’s an avoidance element there. I’ve got lots to ponder.

I am grateful we could be there for him when he needed us most. Now we are in the moments where he still struggles and we have to decide next steps.

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Thank you, Flo. Doing my best. I am the lucky one to have had such a lovely creature in my life.

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Gracias, Tom. I feel the love :heartpulse: And it is truly appreciated.

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This morning things are pretty calm but he is not comfortable in any position. We have to wait till tomorrow to call the vet, but it is time to say goodbye. So many tears. I will probably be writing some stories about our life with this sweetest rascal here to help me process.

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My heart goes out to you, your family, and any that were touched by the life of your beautiful dog.

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Hugs Rosa. I teared up and sending him love from me. :persevere:

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I’m so sorry for your sadness Rosa. And I’m so glad that your beautiful boy has had the chance to be loved by you. Thinking of you xxx

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