Maybe you know other people who fight against PMO. What do people say?
Is it easier to thrive in “sobriety” when you are single or married? Guys in relationships at least have healthy alternative… on the other side as a single guy, turn off PC/TV and you could be almost free of temptations. What do you think?
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My ex had a PMO addiction from age 13 ish, it carried on our whole marriage 25 years, and was the underlying problem-main thing we fought over the whole time.
His addiction, but it destroyed me.
Personally Id deal with the addiction before entering the relationship/marriage and be honest about it before it gets serious so the other person knows and can support your sobriety or walk away.
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I dont know that I’m ever free of temptations, whether by myself and especially in public but I’ve learned how not to give into them. Being married didnt taper off my pmo urges/cravings until I hit my rock bottom ( her saying she didnt want me to be her husband right now) and enough was enough and thats when I sought out SA for support. Up until then, my life was unmanageable and my addiction was active on the daily. I think single or married can be equally difficult. The heatlthy alternative when married, for me, still wasnt enough most times, honestly.
Very well said in matters regarding looking to start a relationship having a pmo addiction. My wife was aware but didnt know the severity of mine. We are now separated and in different homes but are cordial most times. We plan to do couples therapy so the verdict is still out whether we reunify or get a divorce. As the person who has done the hurting, I’m sorry that you were on the receiving end of it all. It’s definitely not fair to you having gone through that.
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I say that I’m never free of temptation because for me pmo is the action, the last piece of the puzzle, but the root cause is based in lust. I can do that all by my lonesome mentally bc I’m such a visual person and in public its more hyperfocused, I think. Lust and fantasy are the dynamic duo of destruction for me. Pmo is just the payoff for seeing those thoughts through in action form.
I appreciate you acknowledging that, it was soul destroying as a young 18 year old girl thinking she’d married the love of her life and the lying and scheming that went on as he hid his addiction, and then tried to blame it on me being pregnant was just too much for that young woman.
I called him a few unkind names and he hit me for the first time at 8 months pregnant.
Being older now I see he had an addiction - it wasn’t my fault and I could have handled things differently and acknowledged he was finding it difficult but I took it as I wasn’t good enough and internalised it and he would weaponise it and tease me about it.
What I love about sobriety (in any addiction) is that theres a sense of freedom, no lying, hiding, scheming.
Just honesty and simple living.
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The lying and scheming is definitely apart of it. I thought I was sneaky and that I wasnt hurting anyone because it was all virtual or through social media and I figured no one was directly being affected, or so I told myself to justify my actions. I had a way mentally to detach the two and carry these acts out in my own fantasy realm and it didnt intermingle with my day to day real life but that was further from the truth than I realized at the time.
I can see how over time those actions could make you feel not good enough. I’ve seen that play out in my own situation firsthand and wish I could undo all of the hurt I caused. Now I just try to be a better me daily in recovery and not repeat the same mistakes while working on my character defects.
Yes, just being able to be open and vulnerable for the sake of growth and healing has been a game changer for me and something I never thought possible for myself. Especially putting myself out there to others and acknowledging the not so good things that I’ve done when under the spell of my active addiction.
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Well, for now I’m still single, so I will not harm anyone. I was curious if it is easier to handle when you are in relationship, because of having this healthy “alternative”.
I always thought, even if guy is addicted to videos, but make love with wife, he eventually is conditioned to his wife. After all, videos provide only visual aspect. Being with real person, especially loved one, gives a lot more: touch, feeling of being loved, apreciated, satisfaction if you are not a bad lover and so on.
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Wow, I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t experience such severe problems. I think the biggest reason for me is being alone - I think my love language is physical (I really lack of touching my body, and I don’t mean intercourse and groin area, rather things like her hand on my shouder or in my hair, or even plain hugging).
My problem with PMO was more severe in the past, but I’m interested in self-development and I figured out many problems located deeper and alleviated them.
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Thanks. It has been a challenge for over half of my life and I’m just now doing something about it, but it’s been a blessing so far and a heck of a journey. Oh, trust, I know about the love languages and what you meant by physical touch. Missing that real connection early on in my recovery was a reason for me to cpntinue relapsing because I just wanted to feel something and I wasnt getting those touches and feelings anymore from her.
Thats whats up, congrats. So, you just stopped cold turkey on sheer willpower alone and the willingness to be intentional about doing better and being better?
I can honestly say that, for me, there was no phase in which I was “conditioned” and just content only with my wife because of the “healthy alternative”. Sure, I went through periods when I’d stop pmo for a few days upto a couple of weeks at a time but that was it. I would have loved for it to have been that way shere pmo wasnt even a factor, but that wasnt enough for me. That’s probably what led to her not feeling good enough or enough for me as a woman. I can see how that would play on her mind, body and soul, knowing that is the person you’re were supposed to spend the rest of your life with and they wouldnt fully submit to you and just be with you solely.
The videos, fetish sites, flirting, sexting etc, which eventually led to infidelity, was all based in lust and fantasy. Videos were just an element for me but not the main go-to, and that’s why, for me, it wasnt just a “porn” addiction… I’m a lustaholic/sexaholic, not a porn addict. Eventually porn wasnt enough and that’s when I explored the other options as they were more interactive and with real woman. I wanted to lust, be lusted after, seek validation, enjoy exhibitionism/ voyuerism and the list goes on. And again in my addicted brain, I thought all of this was okay because I wasnt hurting anyone directly and it was all virtual. Those are some of the lies and justifications I told myself to continue with it. The crazy part is that different times before, even during, and after acting out, I would be in disbelief and angry with myself for going through with it. It was hard to look myself in the mirror most times because the very things I was doing went against my basic morals and ethics that I wanted to uphold. But me and my addiction couldnt care less about that once I was to that point. I loved my addiction more than I did myself, my family, or anything that should have mattered more and there lied another problem.
TFLMS
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I’m ACoA and in the past the main reason of PMO were: too low self-esteem, and overreacting stress factors - that was when I was teenager.
With time I alleviate these problems: learned how to better handle stress, recognizing what I can change and what I need to accept, and working on my self-esteem to see it more realistically.
I still fight with this addiction, that’s why I’m here of course, but it has not so many power over me in comparison to the past.
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Ah, that makes sense. I can understand that.
For sure. It takes time and intentional, positive actions.
That’s a blessing in itself. You’re doing the work.
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Thank you very much for sharing this - that is very important. I don’t have fantasies about actresses from videos, but I recall getting strong shoots of dopamine when I imagined myself e.g dancing for female coworkers, or playing cards with them.
This might indicate that “P” is not the only problem, or/and mind is seeking alternatives - in this way mind could develop “lustaholism”.
Lust (as an addiction) is closer to how I have experienced PMO in my life. Lust is to objectify and consume; lust, for me and my addiction, is to dehumanize people (on screen and in real life) and to use them to satisfy my ego (my ego that says things like “I am entitled to watch this, think this about this person; everyone does this so I am entitled to objectify this person too; it’s not such a big deal”).
There’s lots of good reflections about lust on the SA site, especially in the SA group magazine “Essay”. Here’s a reflection that speaks to me:
https://essay.sa.org/article/august-2024-what-is-this-thing-called-lust/
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Very much on point and similar to how lust corrupted many situations for me. The lusting overpowered the actual acts of pmo for me.
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For me the addiction behaviour starts before the P or the M or the O. The addiction behaviour starts when I say “I’m gonna escape”, and then it quickly is about fantasy, and seeking the “fix”, and it goes downhill from there. It’s only by doing things daily to help me keep in balance and connected to my recovery (calls, readings, inventory, shares with others in recovery) that I have been able to make it day by day for sustained recovery time.
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The great escape and not dealing with life as it happened and reverting into self is what I knew to self-sooth and find comfort. Such a twisted way of thinking. Being on the outside looking in now, I can see how chaotic things really were for me.
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I’m married, I would say it’s easier than being single not because you have more sex (although married people are the group that has the most sex by the way, for various reasons) but because you have more meaningful responsibility. Idle hands are the devil’s plaything. Additionally, if you can get your life together enough to launch and maintain a pretty good marriage then you’re probably more than capable of growing up in other ways.
That’s how I quit. I had a very long term goal and would do it a few days, weeks, months and eventually years at a time. The time between relapses grew and grew and here I am, hoping it never happens again. I’ve yet to do it married, so that hanging over my head helps. Good luck! Hope that helps.
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Question: did you ever attend any S-Anon groups or any other resource related to having trauma from your addict husband?
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