Okay… so I’ve been on here for a short time and I’m really enjoying the comradery I see here. At the time of this post, I’m 19 days sober, so still very new and this is my first attempt, so no resets thus far.
From the day I decided to stop drinking, I had the clarity to start journaling right away so I could refer back to my thoughts, feelings, and struggles along with the victories. I’ve decided to share some of these thoughts on here with the hope that through this clusterf*&ck rollercoaster ride we are journeying through just one person may find hope, strength, and vision that it is indeed possible through my story.
Journal Day 1 -
$0 Saved so far
7/25/17
Woke up still hazy from last night - I don’t remember going to bed. I know this has to stop. I’m disappointing my partner and myself regularly.
Swallowing my pride and gonna go to a meeting tonight. NOt sure what to expect or how to proceed. I just know I can’t keep on this course and I can’t end up like my mom did. Here goes nothing - Wishing myself luck! #MeAgainstTheWorld
Thank you! I’ll be trying to post every day, staying about 3 weeks ahead of my journal. It was really cool just reflecting back on day 1 seeing how I felt compared to how I feel today! I’m also here and love to chat about anything and everything. This forum and the meetings I go to ARE my support system!
I’m 13 days off opiates. The thing I keep flipping back to on day one in my journal is “Be the hero of your own story.” When we read a good story we always relate to the knight battling the dragon right? Well here’s our dragon. Time to battle.
The meeting last night went well. A lot easier than I expected.
Tough morning - I sense there is still tension at home because of my drunken actions. Normally by now, I have a text saying ‘I love you’ or ‘Hows your day going?’ but just silence so far.
For the first time in a while, I went back to that suicidal/don’t care mindset and actually started to break down and cry at work. .
I reached out to an old friend whos recovering from opioid addiction to see if he felt this shitty when he came to realize he wasn’t in control - confirming this (feeling of hitting) a brick wall is a real bitch!
Gonna stay strong - Going to another meeting tonight to keep busy and my mind off things.
I went to the grace meeting last night - WOW! What a difference from Tuesday’s meeting! I met a lot of new people and ended up taking home a bunch of literature to help myself.
This weekend will be tough but I can do it. I will overcome and I will succeed
Evening Update
Super agitated. I threw Scott against a wall - totally out of character. Everyone at home is drinking now. I’m tired, ready for bed and just sipping my seltzer watching everyone else get drunk.
A challenging start to the morning. Currently on the bus to Albany. I don’t know if it’s my mindset or ‘real’ but my partner seems so stand-off-ish and defensive. - I feel left out of his life.
He made a comment this morning of “It must be nice to not wake up slightly hungover” It ‘felt’ sarcastic, but it may be my mindset as well. I feel more alone than ever. …more to come…
Turned into a great day. The hard part of the day is over. He got good and drunk and was the life of the party while I got to enjoy it as an innocent bystander. I went through a whole case of seltzer around a fun group who all were drinking. It feels good to be coherent and with it. Not feeling like I’m missing anything.
As always, thanks for sharing. You’ve made me want to start to chronicle my thoughts and observations on this journey. Good on ya for maintaining focus and staying sober. We should buy stock in seltzer!
Wow! really feeling the physical and mental clarity today. It was amazing to get up and do a walking meditation in the forest here.
Busy day ahead with a family birthday party and German festival later. I’m not even worried about the alcohol at the events, This is certainly getting easier by the day!
Morning -
Progress continues. In bed at 9 pm and up at 4 am still feeling refreshed! The real test will be when we get home and return to city life!
Afternoon -
Things seem amazing today. Energy is restored to the people I love the most and attitudes are positive. Looking forward to another fun day and another challenge filled day staying sober!
Well, despite a mental meltdown and near hospitalization earlier today, I’m committed to continuing sharing my entries with y’all. So albeit a bit later than my usual daily post; Here Goes:
Day 7
July 31, 2017
$171 Saved
Day 7 At Last!!!
My first week! Feeling better (mentally) each day. Yesterday was another success for sobriety. I was worried connecting with family we haven’t seen would be confrontational and would have to explain myself - NOT AT ALL!
My physical health leaves a lot to be desired but I’m working on that. Due to the busy day and not getting back till late, I didn’t get to reconcile and write out tomorrows goals - So today is a travel day home.
Looking forward to a couple meetings this week and the Zen Center in Cambridge on Thursday!
This is a beautiful I’m glad you put it up it’s very inspiring I’m 96 days sober and it all happened by believing in a higher power in the morning every morning I told myself just stay sober for today promise yourself just for today and at night I said Thank you for keeping my sober I’m strong thank you, next thing you know it’s 96days later there’s ups and downs a lot of downs but don’t ever give up you deserve a beautiful life ️
So Day 8 is a day that got away from me and I neglected to check in…
Day 9
August 2, 2017
Total Saved $224
Back tot he daily grinds in the city. Mentally exhausted. Had a great home group AA meeting last night - Actually starting to take a liking to the Dorchester/Southie Roughnecks!
Mentally exhaustive night settling escalated griefs with (some now former) friends. I’m so sick and tired of helping people who just don’t appreciate it. I have better ways to spend my energy these days!
Still feels like everything is falling apart. Feel so alone and unloved - but I will persevere and end up at the top before I die.
-until later-
It’s later:
Sitting here at work, can’t stop thinking about how much i just don’t want to be alive. I don’t want to hurt myself, I just don’t have it in me to stay alive - Almost like - I wish I’d just die. Would anyone even care? I’m sure Adam would care for Blaze - Ughh - gotta get out of this mind space.
I’m thinking and praying for you man. Hurting yourself is definitely not the answer. Your an amazing unique individual with a purpose in this life. I believe we are all here for a reason and have something amazing to leave and contribute to this life. I admire your sobriety and I look forward to your posts. Believe me. I’ve been in your shoes, (my story is in my profile) but ultimately we all have a job to do. Love ourselves and love others and make an impact on this life! I believe in you and I believe you are awesome! Have a blessed day brother!
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