So. I guess I need to vent about this. Some here know the story already cause they got messages from me.
Last week I found out my husband of 10 years has been cheating on me. Playing around. Like its a game.
We have 2 little kids
The day I found out (photos on his phone ) I picked my kids up early from school. Came home and gave them tablets to watch a movie while I went and screamed silently in my bedroomā¦ I still havenāt told kids. Probably wonāt.
Husband came home. Denies everything. (Hello, photos WTF?)
Says sorry. Expects sorry to be enough. Goes off to play soccer with his friends while I sit home shattered.
I reached out. To my HG, my sponsor to a few here. Iām in Asia so time difference is wacky. All I said was āI am not OKā. I had 3 people virtual at my side. The next few.hours where a blur of anger and tears. BUT. I did not drink.
Husband came home drunk. Smashed the front end of his truck. Now I had to be too busy with that to deal with his cheating.
Only thing he saysā¦ is Stop. I told you I was sorry. Ad if that fixes everything?
I am conflicted. 10 years he dealt with drunk me. But drunk me didnāt cheat. Drunk me didnāt collect girls like Baseball cards.
I was on step 4 before this. I had been thinking all resentments were my own. Now I am so angry all my resentments are towards him.
But still I donāt really want to leave. I could leave. I have every right to leave. But something tells me no. Not yet. I havenāt been sober a year yet. I can only focus on me.
As pissed off as I amā¦ I can not think about him. I only want to work on me. If I start drinking again he will use it against me. I need to be sober and strong.
I am so grateful I believe in God and HP. Take it for what it is worth but I do.
Its so hard. I guess I am just venting. Iām angry and its better to vent than drink.
Iām so sorry youāre going through this. You are incredibly strong for not picking up a drink as a result. I think most people would have right away.
Iām glad you came on here to vent as well, I know the support here always helps me. Stay strong.
I can feel your pain as I read your post but I also read strength in your words. Iām sorry this is happening to you. I am amazed by your commitment to sobriety through this devastating situation, for you and for your children. I havenāt been as strong as you are through a similar situation last year and it was made so much more horrible in that moment and long, long afterward by drinking. I am so happy you have people in your corner to hold space for you and I am glad you reached out here on TS. Hang in there.
Lord, that sucks. You are amazing and strong for not picking up and hell yeah to reaching out. Keep making yourself proud by focusing on you and the kids and building your sobriety and strength.
Getting your anger out and venting is a positive step.
Thanks. Honestly if I had of still be drinking I would have told him where to stuff it (rightly so) but drunk fighting me would have caused so many other problems Iād risk losing my kids and now hell or high-water I wonāt risk losing them. I am beyond grateful to here and AA even if for the past few days I have every single cheesy AA quote on repeat in my head. But they are all true. Serenity. Courage. Wisdom.
And I am not glued to my choices. Who know what the future brings. But it is important to be sober to make the choices.
Still not sure how to deal with broken trust though. I canāt fix that. He cut me figuratively with this. So I still bleed.
So sorry to read this. I canāt even imagine the feelings of pain and betrayal. Good for you for reaching out for help instead of picking up a drink.
While resentments are harmful to ourselves, Iād say right now they are justified. Obviously I donāt know your husband, but it seems like he has some serious waking up/growing up to do.
The fact the you confronted him on this, with proof, for him to just say āsorryā, think itās enough and then go play soccer with his buddies and get drunk? That shows to me that he doesnāt have the slightest clue of the gravity of what heās done. I donāt even know how he could just go off to see his friends after that, like nothing happened. Baffling. Then again, I canāt fathom the idea of cheating to begin with or how someone could do something like that.
So it seems that not only is there a massively significant breach of trust, but also a complete lack of awareness (or possibly worse, an outright disregard) on his part for the impact on your marriage and on you as his partner and an individual. That really sucks and I am so sorry.
@SassyRocks yeah it really is shitty. Him and his friends have a few local girls on ācallā. Like hey, you want this one today? WTFā¦ Iām not sure if I feel better or worse that it isnāt an involved emotional affair.
Pissed.
Everything I think about it I am trying to think how I can take care of my side better. Not for him, hell noā¦ but survival and plan B.
@TMAC yeahā¦ the going to play soccer thing was the final straw for me. Heās done that before. He talked with me about 2 hoursā¦ then leftā¦ and as I said got drunk and smashed his truck into another car on his way home. The lack of caring bugs the shit out of me. I always wonder if I am wrong there.
I just need to focus on how to make things better for kids and I.
About 2,000 we have to spend out of pocket to fix his truck and the car he hit. Iām letting him clean up his own mess on this. Pissed cause its our savings.
Iām so sorry , Kelly. Thatās the absolute worst betrayal.
You are much stronger than I wouldāve been; his bags would be in the driveway. His girls can have him.
Big hugs sweetie.
@anon79808082 its also super complicated cause of kids and also thanks to pandemic all borders are closed so I canāt leave this country to go back to the states anyway.
Thatās right; he deserves nothing from you at this point. Heās a grown man and this is how he respects his family? Eff that; Iām pissed for you.
Pray that youāll see youāre way through this.
Thanks for listening. Iām super shy to vent like this. It just has been a nightmare of a weekā¦ I needed to let it out. Sorry if it bothers anyone.
Its past 9pm here so I am gonna sleep.
HALT. Iāve got 2 out of 4 going on so best not to risk it.
Thanks again for listening. Ugh.
Youāve got the right idea about not being āgluedā choices, you really have the power to determine how things go forward in terms of you and the kids, at least from an outsider perspective, but you also donāt have to act right away. That whole trust thing, ughā¦I still feel pretty wounded but also know that maintaining sobriety will help me address the emotional pain that lingers. I canāt speak to your situation other than he will have to come to terms with the damage heās caused (regardless of what his perspective of what he did is) and a āsorryā just aināt gonna cut it if he wants to keep you and his family intact (whether by appearances or in terms of emotional health).
There will probably be, yet again, another tough conversation with my husband to continue resolving things as I address feelings that have been masked and hidden away, as much as I dread it and would rather just pretend like nothing happened. Itās been over a yearā¦
Sobriety and faith in your HPā¦these are the rocks you can cling to, as you face this storm. I am so sorry that you are facing this, and face it you must. No matter what the future holds for your marriage, your children need their rock to cling to, and the rock is YOU!
And I must commend you for not instantly packing up the kids and leaving, or kicking your husband out. Your sober instincts are solid. If you want to save your marriage, itās going to take work, and emotional discipline. What I mean is thereās a time to scream and a time to speak rationally, and even coldly.
I am adding you and your family to my prayer list, and I am praying for healing and reconciliation.
Iāll echo @Yoda-Stevie and add you to my prayers at night. I admire you greatly for pulling that virtual support together and not drinking. Iām sorry you are in this very difficult situation.
Iām sorry for what you are going through. As a divorced guy. I must ask. Have you searched yourself as a wife? Is he jobless or not pulling his weight? Is he a decent father? Is he physically abusive? You said he was there for drunk youā¦ Can you be there for drunk him? Marraige and addiction never mix. But you guys have kids together, and youāve obviously had better times in the pastā¦whats changed?
) I picked my kids up early from school. Came home and gave them tablets to watch a movie while I went and screamed silently in my bedroomā¦ I still havenāt told kids. Probably wonāt.
