Went to aa meeting. It was a big book study. There was a passage saying the more hopeless the addict/alcoholic is the better they will be receptive to the program of recovery.
I know that my using was split between having pleasure and then trying to torture myself to the point where i want to quit for good. If i have fun using and deal with the come down it would only justify further using and give the illusion of control. I reached the point of torture in an ambivalent way. There is still part of me saying just one more time. My friend died of suicide. But the real cause was addiction and inability to stop crack cocaine. How many suicides are of a similar nature? I dont want to end like him. I will have to do something more radical as i feel that not using is not enough. Recovery has to be as total as my using.
Day 16 to 17. A lot easier now. Obsession to use scale: 3 on 10.
A note on Robert L.
Committed suicide by hanging at age 53. Spent his entire life struggling with addiction to alcohol and cocaine and smoking. Met him at AA and we became friends. We would go to meetings and other places together. I believe he was able to get 1.5 years of continuous unbroken sobriety before his relapse and death, the first time he was really clean since the age of 13. That is almost 40 years of using.
I once went to his house and saw that he had an oxygen mask to help sleep. He said he had sleep apnea but I believe it was due to the amount of cigarettes and crack cocaine he smoked. I donāt think he could handle the consequeneces of his using, especially when you are trying to break free from your past life. The past continued to haunt his present. He sold works of art that sometimes that he would get at cheap shop for $5 and then sell them for $500 with a supposed authentic signature and letter from the artist. It was all a lie. He went to the gym everyday to swim laps to try and improve his health. He told me that in the past when he went on binges he would mail his bank cards and credit cards to himself so he would not have access to them for a few days. Defintelty an unusual strategy to stay clean. Shows the torture/pleasure ambivalence toward the drug, the struggle to stop while still wanting to use.
We ended up going to Cuba for a week during winter 2010 to an all inclusive resort. One of his suitcases was full of quit smoking devices: patches, gum, vaporizers, etc. For the first few days there were no problems. But one day as I went for a scooter drive around town, I came back to be met with 2 security guards. They knew that we were friends somehow. They talked to me in spanish and I had no clue what they were talking about until one of them lifted their hand in a drinking motion. Immediately I understood that he had relapsed on alcohol. It was a resort where all the food and drink was unlimited and free. They gave me an address to a hospital, to which I went. He was tied down to the bed by sheets. He said he fell off a bus. He was too ashamed to admit that he relapsed on alcohol. I believe at this point he had 1.5 years of continuous sobriety. After that event, things went downhill for him. They let him out and he continued to drink, apparently rather normally Eventually we took the flight back to Canada. He was rambling and aggressive on the flight home. I moved from my seat to another away from him. At the airport he said some hostile things to me. I acted as if nothing happened. A few weeks later I received a rude and offensive email from him. I simply told him not to email me if has nothing nice to say. That was the last I heard of him. I did not realize the desperate situation he was in. If I did, I would of made more efforts to contact him. At this point I was almost six years totally clean and sober. Someone at aa told me he killed himself and I saw the obituary. End of story. 40 years of addiction. 40 years of misery ending with suicide. I feel either he did not or could not make the effort to making a personality change sufficient to keep him clean. He was emotionally immature and had difficulty expresssing emotions. Again, I do not want to end walking in his shoes. Must stay clean at all costs.
I relapsed today. Found an excuse: feeling good. Now to awake from this nightmare. I made 27 days. Have to keep trying. I dont want to die. I stopped journaling. Stopped going to meetings. Stopped being grateful. Stopped being sane. I will have to do a careful examination for what happened. I was doing so well. Boredom I guess. Not appreciating sobriety. Aloowing perverse instincts to surface. Feel like death. Have to be there for my dogs. Dont want to lose everything. I have no money that will keep me sober for a while. I need to do something more. What is it? Or am i doomed? All my shyness and pain cured temporarily by using. Only works for a few hours. Now pain again. This is hell. I feel that i am crossing the point of no return. Must keep writing here. It kept me clean.if it is hopeless at least im going to try to stay sober and record itā¦ 2.18 am. It is dating websites that have me trapped. No choice but to be alone. The internet is my trigger, except for this forum. I cant express the sickness and disappointment i feel. I cant live doing it once a month like other people i know. I see so few people maintain long term sobriety using this stuff. I need to be one of them or die. It is so basic yet so difficult. Help me!
I gotta ask. Where did the rock come from? I donāt really think about it much anymore, but when I was early in sobriety it really helped not having any numbers left to call. I have yet to have a crack dealer show up at my house handing out free rocks. It sounds like you were working a program there for a minute. I suggest getting back into it.
This was a bad idea, a trap laid by your addict brain. I hope you can see this, and guard against it next time. This would be tantamount to my carrying a hip-flask, to use to disinfect a wound. A poor justification for keeping a chain close by, ready to enslave me once again.
Feel fine. Trying not to over think the situation. Have to work and concentrate. Guess the remorse will come later. It would be a first if it were only a one day relapse. No urges for now. Will post regularly. Canāt do any harm to myself that way. Anyways back to work.
Now things get rough again. Sleeping demons awake with vengeance. I could easily go out as i got some cash in the pocket. Luckily work keeps me sober today. We will see what tomorrow brings.
Back to 2 hours clean. This terrible decisions I make and the consequneces that follow are sliwly sinking into my mind. I just cant live this way. To thibk it woukd take so to realize it. It is way too early to see if Imif i actually leqrbed sonething and apply in my life. Taking 2 days in bed. Big cleaning of house come. There is only so much pubishment a person can take.
Clock 2hrs 30minutes. Gotta keep fighting. Once you stop the fight you die. Im not there yet, hope i never will. This rine thibgs feelsm different. I know in still partly intoxicated. What caught me this tine was allowing the thought to use to enter my mind and not refuting it right away, letting it play and justify itself instead of brining all the reqsons not to. Being a slave to a little white rock is orobably the most humiliating thing a person can endure. I can only can endure so mich. I pawned a laptop and guiter which i will get monday. This is insane behaviour. Im not a stupid guy. This timwe im reqdy to go all in on sobriery. I hotta do everything to find peace in sobriety and reduce the obsession to use to the barest minimum. Walks, meetings, joirnaling, and avoidance of even the smallest thought to use which can develop to uncontrollable obsession in minites. If i can put the thought to use down or refute it i have a chance. Also doing all the things i would not do when using, such as taking care and control of my life. And taking care of my loved ones .Using makes in me a zombie, acripple barely able to leave the pipe down for even a few seconds, unable to even do anything. God bless me. I need His help more than ever.
I walked away from my ex and from that life one year a few months.(That was the SECOND time leaving a crack addicted guy.)
There are times I obsess over it,but I reminded myself of how awful it was and how I had nothing.
I never had a rock bottom, but I did get sick and die from complications of drug use.
And my āfamilyā was told to plan my funeral,makes me laugh,because otherās can underestimate your strength but you never should.
Congratulations on not using for long periods of time. Clearly you want to improve yourself and be sober. Other people here have written plenty, but if could add something it would be stolen from āThis Naked Mindā podcast.
Digging through garbage like a maggot for the last remains of drugs i can find. Old pipes pieces of weed. Just for a few seconds relief from myself. i should be able to get some time in now. But anything can happen in the nightmare world of addiction. It is hard to find a positive in the future. I will try to do as much as I can. Recovery would make the last 20 years of my life a giant error. Thatās part of the problem: that I spent my life in a lie. Really just want to sleep this off. Get my stuff back. And never want to think of crack cocaine for the rest if my life. God, omnipotent ruler of eternal universe, PLEASE HELP. I am too weak a man to do it myself. ALL I WANT IS TO BE FREE FROM THE MENTAL OBSESSION.
Iām sorry you feel this way today. Please look into a meeting any meeting. This disease wants you to be alone. Everyone here and in the meetings want you to succeed. Talk to your dr about getting the help you deserve. Read books, watch podcasts, movies whatever to help change your thoughts about your DOC. I believe in you. Takes a lot to post about your struggles.
Hey, Iām going to second people on here and sayā¦find a meeting. Reading your post, I think that there is an incredible strength to where you are at now.
You are literally begging god to remove the obsession to use. That is the place where your life can actually change. Have you thrown out all your pipes lighters etc? Erased all your numbers?? All of the POSSIBLE connects? If not, I would recommend that as your next step. A lot of the pain with sobriety is associated with the agony of having to fight your addict brain trying to justify it or reason it and then fighting the temptation to make the call or search the house.
GET RID OF ALL OF THAT.
you canāt fully commit to sobriety until you let go of all the stuff not serving you anymore. Then find some help! Addiction wants you isolated, we canāt always see the way out from the bottom of the pit. We need some helping friendly souls with flashlights to help guide the Way.
Keep fighting.
Much Love,
Ely
Day 1 again. Thanks for all your advice. Iām taking everything you say deep to heart and mind. It seems here is the only place I can truly express my condition.
No money in my hands keeps me clean. The moment I get a stack its back to crack. I know I can probably make it to Monday. Hope longer but my addict brain is all screwed. Lost my sense of priorities and have even lost some of my will to live. Well i keep fighting. I know a guy who quit at 50 and now he is clean for 5 years from crack, so there really does exists examples of hope.
When sober my thought are on crack -sometimes consciously but mostly constantly unconsciously.
The vicious circle: to get rid of lthe obsession when sober I use crack. When on crack I dont think about it. Therefore disease and cure are caused by same - crack cocaine. To break out of this trapā¦
Is there an inpatient program near you? If you donāt know of one Iām sure we can find one that you could at least look into. Alcohol and cocaine were more my vicesā¦but my uncle was addicted to crack for many many years. Heās now four years sober after going to an in-patient facility. There is help out there so that you donāt have to do this on willpower alone. Whereabouts are you in the world?
I was a daily crack smoker for years, and inpatient rehab was a huge thing in helping me get clean. For crack sometimes the best thing you can do is just get some time away from it. The mental obsession will eventually die down but it helps being in a secure place for those first few weeks.
Although i am using 1x a week now i will not want to post again until i get over 1 week continuous sobriety. Using 1x a week is not justifiable considering my past history. Even that brings me at the end of the night to a near complete mental breakdown during the late night crash. One thing I am doing though is forcing myself to AA meetings, doing online meetings, and trying to stop thinking of the drug as much as possible. I realize it is getting close to stop or die time. I even went out of my way to ask for a sponser. It is not easy when social alienation was the leading cause of my addiction. I donāt want to be clean and miserbale and lonely. This is what I dread. My ultimate goal is to find happiness in sobriety.