Hello:
I find myself constantly relapsing after 6 or 7 months of being totally clean. This has been going on for years. As I recover over time, I seem to forget the nightmare of addiction and eventually find myself back at zero in my life. Each relapse seems worse than the last. And now at 46 things have become critical. If you have advise apart from going to meetings I would like to hear it. Thanks.
I myself have relapsed on crack many times. It is usually boredom or drinking that comes before. The despair I felt after relapsing was tremendous. I tried SMART Recovery Online. Lots of psychology based tools to change my thinking. There is something in your life that is making you feel hopeless. You’ve got to overcome this and find something worth being clean for. Focus on positive behaviors and know what your triggers are and avoid them at all costs . you can do this!
I’ve been clean for 11 months and crack was one of my DOC’s. Rehab was a big help for me. I also had to do the things I didn’t want to do. I focused on all the things I could do to get better rather than the things I wouldn’t do.
Made it through day 1. Just hanging on. Lucky i’m broke. If i had a million dollars i would be a dead man.
You won’t stay broke forever, so what’s your plan for when you get money again?
This right here is the very question that i lack a strong answer to, and it has plagued my addiction-riddled existence for quite some time.
I run out of money and am forced to be sober until my next income. Only when when my desire for sobriety outweighed my desire to make it to my next dose was i able to make any real progress.
I dont know about crack but ive done some other uppers and its tough to fight the desire when it creeps into your mind when you are bored.
It will kill you. Dont let it. There is nothing for you with crack in your life. Convincing yourself otherwise is certain despair… and/or death.
Stay sober
Well I hope to keep writing here - that would be something new! As for a plan, I think i will post a few ideas here if i make it.
Crack Cocaine was a monster for me too. I moved out of the city I was living in in part to my accessibility to that drug. I am a low bottom addict/alcoholic but I never wanted to “appear” like I was. I had too big of an ego and narcissistic yet also unusually self conscious with an inferiority complex. All sorts of mixed up and delusional. But…what I wanted to say is that drugs and alcohol filled such a huge empty void for me…when I got sober and removed those things…I was left with a huge void that needed something powerful to replace the dope/liquor. Being broke may not be a bad thing for you right now. But be cautious with that concept too. I was once broke, homeless, and panhandling and when I didn’t have my “fix” I would hustle and steal. But having little to no money did make accessibility to crack tougher for me. Moving did too…for me. Build up walls of defense against relapse. Lots of them. Recovery groups, meetings, playing the tape through, calling supportive people, removing yourself from risky people, places, things, situations etc. Find a healthy hobby too! This is vital. It was for me. Get involved heavily into something new…find a new healthy passion whatever it is. If it means being the best parent ever, do that. If it means working out and health/ fitness related things, do that too. Whatever it is. As much as you were into the drugs/ booze…replace it with something equally as powerful but in a healthy/ recovery based way. Hope this helps some. Thanks for sharing your story with us too
Have to be careful as rehabs will turn away cocaine/crack users because they do not make a drug for physical wds for coke. So it doesnt show the need of being monitored. They will tell you to go out and get wasted on alcohol and return the following day.
Good point. I’ve never gone with just crack in my system. But that would be a good question to ask during a phone intake. Most of em around here will take you even if you don’t have any drugs in your system. You just gotta wait a lil longer for a bed
A superficial glance at what happened:
7 months totally clean and sober except for using rivotril which is prescribed by a doctor. A co worker told me he had 4mg dilaudid, a powerful opiod. My idea was to buy a few to keep in storage in case I suffered a physical injury. But within a few days, I guess out of boredom, and for no valid reason, I decided to sniff them. Within a few minutes I am calling a dealer and I’m immediately using crack cocaine at the same levels when I quit originally.
I hope to go in more detail shortly.
Strangely being completely broke gave me some time for the chemical fog to lift and to see the reality of addiction for what it really is. Temporary bliss inextricably intertwined with torture that leads down a path of destruction. This realization is terrifying and helps to keep me clean in the short term. Fear is not a strong a basis for sobriety, but for now it serves its purpose.
The trouble with fear is like the problem of solving phobias. How do they cure your fear of spiders? By slowly exposing you to them. This would not work with drugs, as should be obvious. I think that there were times in the past i used just to show I no longer feared crack or its consequences.
First some preliminaries. I am really going to make a real effort to stop this nightmare drug. I have said this before and have some success in the past, but it seemed relapse would always come, especially when I started to feel better and forgot about the nightmare of addiction.
Get rid of all drug paraphernalia. Get rid of all dealer numbers from my phone, although I can’t erase some from memory. Clean house to best of my ability. Keep myself as busy as possible, and engage in some vigorous physical exercise. Do things that I know are good for me.
Avoid letting my mind wander and toying with the idea of using just one more time.
Day 3 is almost done. The morning and afternoon went well but the evening was a mixed bag of emotions. There is still part of me that wants to use, even at the price of death. However the balance is slowly shifting in favor of life and being clean. Anyways just be grateful that I do have a choice for life as long as I am clean.
Still in the process of cleaning house. It will take a bit of time.
Tomorrow I plan to drag my ass to a meeting whether I want to be there or not. Shut my mouth and try to really listen and understand. Games are over. This is now a fight for life.
Survived week 1. The obsession to use crack is loosening its grip but it is far from gone. Spent most of my time in bed when not working. Simple tasks such as bathing, cooking, walking the dogs, etc., were difficult. I gave whatever is left of my money to someone I trust, so I don’t have access to it except for day to day to matters such as gas and food. Feeling better gives me a false sense of complacency. As the nightmare of using starts to fade the thought of using seems more acceptable. Will I ever find happiness without drugs?
I plan to write of the lowest points in my using so I can use it as an instrument in bag of tools of sobriety. I am curious if others would like to share their worst experiences using. If there were no consequences to using I would of never stopped. I dont know if this is a worthwhile exercise or not, but if I would of thought of the inevitable rock bottoms it always brought me, ever worsening, it may of prevented me from picking up the pipe.
You passed the physical wd from cocaine. that only last about 50hrs. The rest is all mental and changing your people,place and things you do. Set goals for yourself. Start small at first. This will help you be a better person and build confidence in yourself. Only person holding u back from achieving at life is you…
From the AA Big Book:
“The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.”
But it also implies that the memory of past misery is SOMETIMES sufficient to prevent relapse.
I guess we can call this step 0, the black hole before surrendering. I see some never leave step 0 even while their life is sucked away from them. I dont know what percentage of addicts remain in this category, since they represent the truly anonymous ones. They do not realize they are completely powerless and that their lives are unmanageable despite enduring all evidence to the contrary and suffering years of horrors from addiction. I will list my own personal experiences, what I witnessed, and the stories I have heard from others. As to veracity, I will do my best to keep the account accurate. This is a brutal and painful exercise at looking at the real consequences of addiction. Our mind tries to suppress these terrible memories, and, like our body, it wants to heal and feel better and move as far from pain as possible. I will try to list each event or situation separately. This is so I dont forget, and perhaps will help me when the insane urge to use comes over me.
My treatment history to the best of my recollection and in no particular order:
Over 1000+ AA, NA, CA meetings. More like 2000 but somewhere in that range.
2 stays at drug rehab FH. 6 months each stay. Total 1 year in residence at rehab.
1 stay in rehab in Ottawa. 30 days. Forget its name.
1 stay at R. 30 days rehab. It was a 6 month program but I got kicked out after 30 days.
1 outpatient therapy - 1 year total.
1 outpatient therapy at F. A few months once a week.
2 stays at F inpatient rehab. 1 lasted approximately 35 days. The other I left after 1 day.
The first stay I was able to stay clean for 6 years. The rest is all intermittent.
14 weeks 1 x a week followup after first stay a F inpatient.
14 days hospitalization at hospital detox.
1 stay 14 days at rehab somewhere in Quebec.
3 stays a T. detox. 1 lasted 14 days and then immediate transfer to inpatient F. This is when I was able to get 6 years. The other 2 x I left after 1-2 days with my dealer picking me up.
2-3 hospitalizations due to paranoia and police being called in or me going to police thinking people are out to kill me. Both lasted 1 day.
Surgery on nose to fix septum from cocaine use.
Psychiatrists on and off for years. Not just for drug issues.
There may be others but I cannot recollect at present. As you see, a lot of treatment. Just hard headed and foolish. Learned alot from all this. Heard many stories, and witnessed many addicts and alcoholics.
My clock reads 10 days now.