I just realised that I have been in the background watching this forum…reading away…not contributing much. It has helped me. I joined in Dec 2019 and did some days then…but only got in the programme August last year. I reached my 6-month milestone on 21 Feb. Proud of myself. Happy days.
There has been something I have been mulling over the last couple of weeks. I have been working with a sponsor and he’s helped me get to Step 4. Still working on Step 4. I don’t want to rush it. However, a couple of weeks ago, he asked me to do something that is certainly not ethical (I am currently second-guessing my definition of ethics!). Something I did quite a bit in my drinking days - I have the knowledge and training and ability to do it well - something that triggered me to drink. I said no. I said the reason why. He said “that’s alright bud.” and has not spoken to me for a week.
Now, I am worrying about him. It’s my nature to. I know that that incident…so early in my recovery…has tarnished the nature of the sponsorship. I just…weirdly know what to do and I don’t know what to do at the same time. This is a tad all over the place, I apologise…but is the state my mind is in at the moment. I know there are people in my home group that I can talk to about this. But I am oddly afraid of bringing this up. It feels like that moment in high school where someone does something and you know you should tell but can’t be the one saying things. Also…why am I feeling like I am in high school again.
I have no idea what step four is so any way that if it could be relevant to the conversation, I wouldn’t know. And perhaps it isn’t at all.
I do know that if you think that it’s not ethical, then you have every reason to not have done it, and there is no reason for you to feel guilty about it or second-guess yourself about it or even feel like you’re in high school.
Especially if it was a problem for you when you were drinking.
If for some reason, it is sharing or giving some type of professional advice in a nonprofessional situation. You shouldn’t feel bad about that either.
If you think it is not ethical, then stick with that. And don’t feel bad about it
If it’s a problem with your sponsor, maybe you need another sponsor.
Stay on the highroad and congratulations on your time sober
Rereading what you wrote it sounds like maybe you might feel like you should report it. Others who go to AA meetings and have sponsors will have a better idea about that.
If it’s improper it seems like it’s just that. Not right. Not ethical. Improper.
He says that he finds it not ethic then goes on to say that it is making him question how he defines ethics. Ethical philosophy was one of my favorite subjects in college which is why im wondering if there is a bigger picture here. We as humans use a lot of black and white thinking when in reality most things fall into a gray area and our thinking can change on the matter over time. Either way I do think it is good to talk with people outside of your sponsor to get more perspective and figure out what to do from here.
@Alisa Step 4 is the moral inventory…apt that this issue brings itself up when I’m working on my moral inventory. Thank you for your responses. I do feel like I should speak to someone…but I am also incredibly wary of getting anyone in any sort of trouble. You are right though. If it seems like it…I should do something about it.
@Jackwoulf Thanks for this. Ethical/Moral philosophy is something I always have been interested in…and on the face of it, this whole situation may fall in a grey area. As I typed that, my mind being incredibly visual has it oscillating all over the place. If you don’t mind, I will share it with you in private. But I also think you are right. I do need to talk to people outside him to get more perspective.
I can’t imagine what he asked of you that could be unethical. Step 4 should be just writing down a list of people you resent and analysing things. You don’t do anything. At this point you don’t even need to share it with your sponsor (that is Step 5, and then maybe you feel unethical to share with your sponsor private details relating to a third person).
In AA you certainly have the right to take what you want and leave what you don’t. Including not doing something you don’t want to. And to change sponsor if you don’t feel comfortable with this one. The sponsee-sponsor relationship is a unique and interesting one, I certainly have my own moments of people pleasing with regard to sponsors.
If you have people that you can talk to more concretely then that sounds like a good thing to do.
Indeed it is. This was more of an ask outside the step-work. And as I was just saying to Nick, and in my very strange analysis of the situation, I am torn between loyalty and honesty. Honesty wins here. But it’s not as clear cut a decision as one would think.
Is it between loyalty and honesty or keeping him as your sponsor or finding another. If its just a request which didnt harm i dont think you share that with a group. I think you find another sponsor.
Easy for me to say but i feel that loyalty to my sponsor even though i should move on. Being in the muck of step 4 makes it messier. How are you feeling with step 4? Could you share with him or would you prefer to share with a new sponsor?
It’s both. I won’t give you the story as it is not mine to give but it has nothing to do with any of the steps. In vague terms it has to do with legal ethics. @Oluoch is certainly making the right choice
It does make it super messy. And I’m really struggling with the step…especially after this.
It is both. The more I talk about it, the more I feel like I made the right choice. It is certainly not something that will come up in the group. But is something that has shaken my resolve…and I need to focus on my sobriety.
Just change your sponsor if your not happy i tell my guys if they are unhappy with my sponsoring then speak to me and there are plenty of other sponsors out there , ive been sponsoring for over 36 years so i think im qualified wish you well
Outside of stepwork, or general recovery work (like, you should try to meditate, or write a gratitude daily, or something) then I don’t think your sponsor had much right to ask you to do sonething. A sponsor is in a position of power, really, as a sponsee can be vulnerable and easily influenced, and this shouldn’t be taken advantage of.