Squirt's daily check in

Decided to start a daily check in for myself. Something and somewhere I can go on a daily basis and just note a line or two or one hundred of how I’m doing. Thought it might be better this way rather than trying to locate my posts in others’ forums. Should anyone else choose to read, reply or just add their own notes that is cool too.

Hadn’t been feeling myself in a while and knew I needed to change up something or I was going to find myself drunk somewhere. I have overanalysed my feelings and have come down to I’m not enough for me right now. I have been struggling with these feelings while trying to return to the workworld after over a year off. Due to Covid related shit I seem to be having an extreme difficulty finding work. I truly believe that what is meant to be will be and when the right door is meant to open the opportunity will present itself. However, I didn’t realize how much weight I give employment; for me there are many satisfactions that derive from being employed and being happy with work. I will continue to browse the job ads daily and can only wait for the right opportunity to present itself.

Because I’m not enough for me right now I have almost constantly been questioning my partner’s desire for me. Thankfully most of the questioning only goes on in my head so he doesn’t think I’m a nutcase like I do lol. Instead of voicing any false concerns to my partner, I try to tell myself all of the positives we bring to each other’s lives. We enjoy a lot of time together and I wouldn’t trade it for anything right now.

If I can convince myself to live in the moment and get the whole workworld thing out of my head, I know I am doing way better than I ever have. Since 1st attempting to quit drinking in July last year I have had two slips and learned a lot from both of them. I am 67 days sober today and am proud of myself for that. I know I will make my next goal as I’m well aware of the triggers and the negative effects of any drinking.

Anyway . . .that’s me for today :wink:

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Good for you Michelle! It sounds like you’re focused on healthy, meaningful satisfaction. That feels like a healthy path :innocent: Keep it up!

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68 Days - Today I’m having a weird day already. Didn’t sleep well last night and when I awoke this morning I have the extreme feeling of loneliness. I’m yearning for physical touch and affection. Having a difficult time trying to convey this to my partner. I feel kinda sheepish going to him with this and somewhat silly. At any rate it is a feeling that I need to tackle; not too sure where it’s coming from at the moment or why. I sit here feeling like I’m on the verge of tears and I just want to be held and told everything will be alright.
Going to create some projects for myself today so I can feel accomplishment. Might even just be laundry and housecleaning lol but it has to be something.
I can hardly wait until in-person AA meetings are available in my area again. Think it’s time for me to figure out the whole Zoom thing and check out some online meetings. Just need to figure out the time zone differences and go from there.
May or may not be back later for an update.
Hope anyone reading has a better day than my start has been.

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Hi Michelle, I’ve been using intherooms.com and I found meetings for “women in recovery” very helpful. They have them on Sun, Mon, Tues and Wed. That site also has AA meetings quite often.
Nothing replaces in person meetings but any meeting is better than none.

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73 days - Been away for a few days. We went to Alberta and tried to get the motorhome back to Saskatchewan but it’s looking like we need to make one more trip before that happens.
It was really good to get away. It’s like it gave me a fresh perspective of where I’m at. I have been able to talk to my partner quite a bit about what’s been going on in my head and he has been awesome. The pressure to get back to work has lessened tremendously and I have been successfully living in the moment one day at a time rather than worrying about everything in the future. If I can keep my focus like this I know everything will be alright.
Going to relax and enjoy the rest of the afternoon and evening.
Hope all is well with everyone.

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74 days - Almost feeling like I’m auto-pilot today. Been putsing around the house cleaning here & there. Seems one room is never fully clean, especially with an 8 & 3-year old following behind. Most days when I look at the “messes” it brings me joy as it shows my house is lived in and full of life. It’s a big difference from my past with an OCD cleanliness person.
There’s a bit of a story to precede this but I almost got a mooch from the one I love today. Was so happy I shed happy tears. It felt odd to feel such contentment as my eyes were leaking lol. Not too sure the last time I did that but dam it felt good.
Side rant and not my poison but bad drugs have taken too many people’s lives around me lately. I really don’t understand the purpose of lacing cocaine with fentanyl but PLEASE don’t do a bump, a line or anything like it no matter who you are getting it from. One dash like salt kills. Wish the bastards making it were killed.
Anyhow . … gonna chelax and watch a movie or two. Hope everyone’s world is a good day.

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75 days - extremely thankful for my sobriety today. I am really starting to realize what a clear mind can do for me. I have definitely struggled at times and have wanted to turn to beer to numb the pain. However, I know I’m even stronger for embracing the feelings and learning to deal with them sober. My relationship with my Mother has always been a thorn in my side. While on my recovery journey it seems like our relationship is improving. It also helps that I’m a province away lol. By me moving I have become closer to my son. My drinking in the past was an issue between my son & I and there are many times that I had to apologize for my behavior while drinking. I think I’m ready to sit down with my son & fully listen to how I affected him in the past and move toward righting those wrongs. I reached out to him this morning and hope we can get together today. Not too sure how to bring it up & any ideas would be appreciated. I’ll be racking my brain for ideas on how to approach the subject with him. It’s very important to me to cross this bridge and for both of us to be smiling on the other side. Hopefully today’s the day & I know I have support behind me to “debrief” afterward. My relationship with my son is extremely important to me and today is a big step that I need to take for my own journey & healing. I’ll be sure to post how it goes.
Hope everyone has a great day.
Live in the moment. Dwelling on the past brings depression and focusing on the future brings anxiety. Today I shall do my best to stay focused on the moment.
Much love to all.

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Hey Michelle, that’s wonderful to hear that you want to have a talk with your son. I’m sure others on here have more experience but I would suggest asking him what he thinks about your drinking and how it’s affected him. I think it would help him if you just listen to begin with and then let him know what you’re doing to change. Allowing our kids to be heard is huge.

I greatly appreciate the suggestion Lisa. Unfortunately it didn’t happen yesterday as he got busy with “life” but I do believe this is the approach I will use when the opportunity arises.

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76 days - I’m having an emotional rollercoaster of a day today but riding it the best I can. I have previously told my partner that saying good night and see you later are two very important times for me. I will not go into explanation here but today this one took me for a bit of a loop. My man and the girls were heading to the farm today & I chose not to go; had plans for a me day. Prior to them leaving my oldest girl came in the house and said goodbye further telling me to have a good afternoon. I fully expected my man to come in and say see you later but I looked out the window and they had already left. A flood of emotions overtook me at that moment and I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to scream or cry. I texted him saying that it hurt. Not sure if I’m making too much of this or not but it is something important to me and sorry doesn’t fix it. Now that I have the house to myself I have of course tidied up a bit so I can relax. Plan to watch some sort of heartfelt chick flick and release some pent up emotions. I know if I don’t do this I’m going to find myself crying or freaking out over something minimal that comes up. I am proud that I can recognize this and even have a plan with intentions of dealing with my emotions. In the past, I know I would turn to beer to numb & forget what I’m feeling so I didn’t have to deal with it. At this moment it’s not one particular feeling or emotion but just an abundance of all of them. Hopefully a good movie will lead to a cleanse of sorts. Time to find something that I can get into and let the release begin. Tomorrow is another day.

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This must be a man thing. I expect the same but nope, not my man. He just leaves without saying a word and it makes me so mad. It’s very simple, say goodbye and let me know when you’ll be back. I never leave without saying goodbye out of respect.

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78 days. Woke up this morning feeling like I need to make some serious changes. With this Covid crap I have been stuck in the house more than I can handle. I need to get out and socialize with people or I feel like I’m going to explode. I’m starting to get upset & angry when my man has places to go & things to do. I am tired of hanging around the house day in and day out being bored. I am going to sit down today and think about some projects I can do around here that will make me feel happy and I don’t mean cleaning. I have an interview tomorrow for an accounting position and I pray this is the job that is meant for me.
We rent the house that we are living in and the owner wants to sell it. Initially he said that if we weren’t going to buy it, we needed to move out at the end of September. My man reached out to him telling him we would like to buy the house but need time to get working, save for a downpayment and qualify for a mortgage. He has given us until spring. Initially I was really excited about this and now I’m not too sure. I absolutely love the house and the land it is on and it is in such a beautifully quiet neighborhood. However, I’m not too sure if I’m prepared for the pressure. I am going to look at getting a mortgage as a goal and try not to think of spring as the deadline. For me to focus on this as my goal I need to put my “stamp” on this place. I have been living here for almost a year and the majority of my belongings sit in the basement still in boxes. I made it somewhat of a joke yesterday and told my man that I would like to move into this house. I told him that there is barely nothing of mine around the house and I would like that to change. He hardly said anything to me about it and that kind of deflated me for the rest of the day. Maybe my project does need to involve cleaning around here. Slowly cleaning up the clutter and gradually introducing my belongings to the mix. It’s weird but without my stuff unpacked I kind of get the feeling(s) that I don’t belong here. Along with those feelings come the questions of my relationship. Should I have jumped into a new one so quickly? Does he really want me with him and the girls or have I pushed myself into their lives. These are questions that for my sanity I need to get to the bottom of. Just rereading this now I think the best thing for me is to see if I can get into see my addiction’s counsellor. I haven’t seen her since around Christmas and I think my lil ramblings in my head may be better sorted out talking to her. I also need to completely look into some online meetings. I think it’s time to admit I need the community of AA and start dealing with issues again. Hopefully I can get things done for me today.

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79 days. Experiencing fear today. How does one go through an experience for an additional time and not fear the outcome from the previous experience? Yet I don’t want to miss the experience for fear of what ifs. May sound like a puzzle to most and to me it is puzzling as this goes on in my head. My fears of not being enough are troubling me in this situation. Everything I think I want in life is being presented to me as a possible journey and I’m questioning every angle about it. Overanalyze much . . .why yes, yes I do. Anyway still sober and tomorrow is another day.

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81 days. Day went by quite speedily today without feeling have done much. We are having a problem with fruit flies, in our kitchen, and it’s beginning to drive me nuts. Moved the fridge, cleaned counters and cupboards and still can’t find any source that would explain the lil buggers existence in our house. We seemed to clear a lot of them out this afternoon but after supper this evening it’s like the whole area is invaded again. Put some more "traps"of sorts out for them; really hope they disappear soon before they cause me a hairy canary lol.
Worked on my so called puzzle yesterday. I think I really need to get living outside of my head and just enjoy what I have without questioning it all the time. I had an excellent interview this week and I’m trying to visualize myself in the job. Would be amazing if I could positively manifest myself into the position. Either way I know when it’s meant to be it will be but dam this one feels good.
Think I may turn in early this evening. Have been experiencing an odd light headiness almost dizzy like feeling today and hoping a real good sleep will re-energize my body and knock out whatever’s going on.
Today is almost done & tomorrow’s a new day.

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82 days. The weather is turning to fall extremely quickly here and I’m bracing myself for the feelings that usually follow this type of weather. I have struggled with seasonal depression for many years and this year I’m sober. I have created myself quite a few projects today to keep my mind busy.

Hopefully today will be the day that I get to sit and have “the talk” with my son. Part of me is dreading the conversation and part of me is looking forward to having it and moving forward together. @Lisa07 really hope your idea works. I have practiced it so many times in my head and I feel like I’m ready. I will prepare myself for the worst & will ask my man to be here when I get home so I can debrief with him and possibly just have him hold me. Had I not relapsed twice, I would have over a year sobriety already. I don’t think my son knows of either one of my relapses but I plan to tell him the truth and not hold anything back should he question it. There is so much in my past that is healed pain because of his father. Many times I have wanted to tell my son how it really was but decided not to as it’s not worth seeing him hurt. I know how his father treated me and I know how far I have come in being able to put it behind me. I hope today is the day I can start healing over not being there & hurting my son while I was sick. I know if I continue to look at my alcoholism as a sickness I can continue toward a healthy me.

Can’t wait until Tuesday to come. I have some awesome positive feelings about the job I interviewed for on Thursday and plan to follow up through an email. I want this so bad it hurts but will not allow myself to be hurt if I don’t get the position.

Today is going to be a good day :smiley:

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Yay! I’m both excited and nervous for you. That’s a hard thing to do but we have to get honest with ourselves and others in order to have successful recovery.
Good luck with the job situation. We’re all cheering you on.

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The talk didn’t happen. He hasn’t answered text nor call. I was in an online meeting this afternoon and seriously am questioning my readiness to start these conversations with my son. I am barely step 3 & making amends are 9. However this is something I need to forgive myself for and can’t until I’ve heard his thoughts and feelings. Do you think it’s too soon? I believe he’s not responding because this isn’t meant to start today. He has no idea I’ve been working myself up to this.

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If he’s not responding then it’s definitely not meant to happen yet. Please forgive yourself now so you can move forward. It’s really difficult but it’s something you have to do. You’re know longer that other person. You’re now an amazing person that’s making positive changes to live a happy sober life.
Continue to work on yourself and your steps. Your doing awesome!! Sending you big hugs. :hugs:

83 days. Finally ventured out on the tablet and found some interesting online meetings. Now it’s time to up my courage & do some sharing. Another meeting is in about 40 minutes and I hope the topic reaches out to me. I think I’ve allowed myself to feel alone in this again. It’s good to hear other’s experience and being able to relate. I’m trying hard to get back to simple and take one day at a time. I have been so focused on the future lately that I’m full of anxiety and fear. I haven’t reset or relapsed but am thinking it’s time to start back at the beginning with baby steps. It’s too often that I’m viewed as having an easy recovery and I forget myself how hard this really is and what a strong effort it takes. Time to slow down and simplify.

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