Starting Again (seeking community&encouragement)

Your Story
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Hello everyone in the community, I realize this may not be read by many people but I wanted to put it out there. I have had some major trauams lately in my life (it has been 3 years and the end is not in sight yet) and have leaned back on alcohol. I was sober for 10 years, and though I found AA to be helpful before I find I have a different view point and am learning a whole other world out there (I do not disparage AA at all, and it worked for me and gave me so much. I just see different challenges with the program at this stage of my life, and the way I have internalized AA teachings it always meant there was something wrong with me, my ego and being dishonest).

I miss the community of AA and the understanding, and I think it is always scary when we have found a solution that no longer works for us and trying something new. I just want to stay sober so badly, my life has been fractured by loss (my husband and I lost our 2nd daughter when she was very small in 2019, and trigger warning my sister was murdered by her partner leaving us to care for her small son who is high/special needs). I feel I am drowning in all I have to do, and all i ever wanted to be was a good mom and wife…its at the center of me. I dont use socials or like putting myself out there online so this is so uncomfoetable to me. I know people can be a bit crass without meaning to be, or forget there is a person behind the words. So much of my life this past year and a half since my sister was killed is dealing with secondary trauma caused by the agencies and legal system. I am just so tired. But i am not without hope. I have so much to be grateful for and I just want to be a good mom, one my children can be proud of and a solid partner to my husband. With all of this loss it brings up old beliefs in me that the cycle of pain doesnt get to end with me as I tried so hard; that I am not good and my confidence which has never been easily come by is taking a beating. I just want this so bad, I am doing some very involved IFS therapy and it is very revealing and mindblowing. Just want to do the right thing and put one day at a time together. I appreciate your time.

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Welcome Mira. :people_hugging: I am so sorry for the traumatic loss of your daughter and sister and all that has come since. I really appreciate you trusting us by sharing. I believe you have found a community of kind and caring people who have their own stories of love and loss and trauma. I hope you will find support and understanding here. We each travel our own path of life and recovery, so I do understand needing community support and finding it in different ways. This forum has been my rock for sobriety support.

And IDK if you have this available to you or are interested, but many years ago during a traumatic time in my life I found support and understanding in a grief counseling group (as well as one on one). I know it can help to share with people who have had somewhat similar life experiences (much like recovery from substances).

I am glad you are here and found us. It sounds like your burden feels very heavy and I hope being here can help you lay some of it down when able. :heart::people_hugging::heart:

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Welcome Mira. I think that you’ll find people here that can relate to some of the awful trauma that you’ve unfortunately experienced. I’m so sorry for the losses that you’ve endured, I can’t imagine how that must be.

This community has been super beneficial to my sobriety, I hope that we can all be helpful to you as well. If you have any questions feel free to ask around… Best wishes to you.

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Mira, I’m so glad you are here! I love my AA homegroup, but it doesn’t sound at all like what you experienced. I find Buddhist Recovery programs to be amazing and might be something to try. Recovery Dharma and here in Kansas City with have Buddhist 12 Step meetings. One day at a time, my friend, and please know that you are loved.

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Keep pushing forward! Remember that as long as we give god the glory and know he is light, that even in the dark times the devil has to flee

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Hi a big welcome and big hugs :people_hugging:

I’m so glad you found us all here, it’s full of supportive people that are here through all the bad and the good.
This is my second home, the people here have been the most support I have experienced ever and I’m so glad you now get to share this.

:pray:

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I so much appreciate the responses and support. I have felt alone in many ways. Maybe I could use this as a writing space to share my feelings and how I am doing.

I know for me right now the trauma is triggering all kinds of responses in me, particularly the part of that wants to help or sooth the pain. I recognize I have been holding so much responsibility for the outcome of my nephews life. Its a huge weight, and I feel a failure for not being able to protect my younger sister and now her son. I am being guided to get to know this “drinking” part or parts, to offer them support and compassion, to see that they are trying to help and that they are not bad. The behaviour is not good, but these pieces of me are not bad or meant to be hated - I am learning to see them in a new light, as I always just thought of the drinking part as my disease something to be learned from, but locked up in the back. I want to be free of the shame, and I have to work through the trauma. My sister and I spoke daily, and she was the person I confided in the most - she was my right hand woman, and I have had a hard time crying for her loss because a year and a half in I think I still believe she is coming back. When the reality hits me and how she died, its like a wave and this voice says of course you feel like a drink. Its okay. I have to learn to understand and show compassion to that part of me and how its trying to help, but to guide it with my true self…part of me has no idea how I am going to get through all of this, but part of me also has hope. I appreciate having a place to put my thoughts and the support I have recieved. My pain is so deep, and I do not want to make it any deeper by hurting my family or myself with alcohol.

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:point_up_2:

Welcome to a wonderful sober community. I am sorry you had traumas and are feeling overwhelmed but you have the best chance of coming out the other side by getting sober and continuing to do the next right thing one day at a time.

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I am doing work around drinking, which I have not done in a long time. I just kept looking at the fact that I dont drink often, or I dont drink too much as an indicator that I am “in control” (whichbis crazy for me because I quit when I was 20 because it was very clear I had a problem, very clear). If I do have too much, then its a “one off” and who wouldnt with all this trauma in front of them?

I am not in control, and I know why. I have wanted to stop drinking since I started again. I knew pretty quickly after, even though it was different that regardless I just dodnt want it in my life. Trying to go back to AA, I was challenged because it didnt seem to be clicking like it did before - and in my mind, for years I thought this was just that there was something wrong with me (my ego, I was dishonest), and I genuinely didnt believe there was another kind of therapy or program, I just had to do it on my own and if that didnt work maybe then Id end up back in AA and could finally “get it” again. I was so in AA for 5 years when I was younger and I really loved the program, all it did for me and I swallowed it whole - the promises came true, and I was free for 10 years.

Im seeing things differently now. It is not AA and it is not just me, it is where I am it is perspective. It is understanding that my alcoholism looks different now, and that part of alcoholism for a lot of people is having a certain amount of “control”. And my teaching from AA do not need to undermine me, they are for me to grow on (I am not “terminally unique”, but my situation of losing a child and my sister to murder and raising her son for a period only to have to accept that his needs are greater then we can offer is unique - thats okay. Its okay to feel alone, and its OKAY to understand the spectacular horror of the situation. I have felt so much guilt for feeling “self pity” and resentment…but what a beuatiful gift that AA taught me why these things are, in the long run stages to work through).

Anyways I am rambling and all 3 kids are up today. I just want to communicate with some alchies, because it has been years of being on my own and I have missed you all. The biggest thing I have missed about AA is the community (and of course having the steps as a process to go through). Sitting with my trauma now, something I have not done or had time to do since my sister has died (and please do not judge me when I say this as not making time, I have 2 small children, and my nephew is under 5 and high needs requiring 1-1 support at all times. Not to mention the court systems I am navigating, his supports outside the home, appointments, etc. Advocating for him and my sister has consumed my life - now I see perspsctive there but please, I have recieved some superficial “you have to make time” comments, and I get it but my husband and I renovated our home, spent our savings and turned our lives upside down to try and navigate life with my nephew). I know I have to make time, but it is okay to be tired as well of when people say “we are all busy”. Its nothing to do with anyone elses life or businsss, I know we are all busy but I dont want to minimize our experience either.

There is today!

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This site isn’t AA specific, so you will find plenty of people with different perspectives and recovery/sobriety journeys. We do all have the desire to change in common. And I agree, our circumstances and experiences are all different and unique to our lives. :people_hugging:

I can hear in your post how exhausted you are and how much you carry and how people’s comments are hurting/annoying you. Your load sounds very heavy and I am glad you are here and writing and able to vent some. :people_hugging::heart:

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I appreciate so much people sharing and responding :slight_smile: I know my dialogue around AA is so central for me, but really I think it is because IT DID WORK (I was a hard bottom at a young age, totally hopeless and the program not only saved me I had all of the promises come true. I truly know that AA gave me the foundation that has led to me being where I am today). Its just I am in a place where some things dont make sense, or they are too certain, or for a program that asks that we be willing to grow and be open, itself has not done the same (because of a fear that change will rupture what works). I felt isolated in the program when I wrnt back, because my thoughts were taken as threats and resistence and I believed that. It has been hard for me to underztand that anyone has ever gotten sober any other way (because even though AA says they dont hold a monopoly; its done with a bit of a laugh like “good luck” or a bit of a self righteous mood). Just for myself, i never thought there was ANY other way…and again, thats not necessarily the fault of AA. Perhaps its because I was so young I do not know. But I am having some big perspective shifts and relevations, and I want to hold on to that. I do believe that the steps work, but I also believe that there must be other ways that also involve personal growth and that others who quit without the steps arent all white knuckling it and miserable.

I have realized something, as I have been comparing my drinking now (once or twice a month, not blacking out or generally doing anything out of control or risky - GENERALLY), to myself as a teenager (daily drinker, black out almost everytime). And I wondered about control, and thought that this is why “functional” alcoholics struggle because it seems like we are in control. My situation and trauma right now is SO HUGE that even if I get a bit out of control, its like it makes sense - everyone around me is a bit out of control over the murder of my sister and the aftermath. But here is the thing, I quit drinking when I was 20 and was sober for 10 years. I am now 36, and for years I would only have 1-4 beers, only got drunk twice and even after the death of our daughter I did not go down the tube. I was sober before my pregnancies, all throughout and no obsessive thoughts. But I KNEW, I had wondered if I was alcoholic (still) but at some point I KNEW that I did not want to drink anymore and then after my sister died and I was drinking more I KNEW I was still alcoholic and the fear and resentment and saddness and numbing was there. Even if I was not “out of control” like I used to be, the loss of control is in that I want to stop but when I want to drink I usually do. That is a loss of control, and for the first time I am putting together my toolbelt. Going back, not to the beginning but a new place because I do not want a life for my children with an alcoholic-drinking parent. It was one of my motivators to quit when I was 20, because I wanted so much to be a mom and to break the cycle. I appreciate this community being here, letting me put these things out here, to read your thoughts and experiences. I never thought there was another community that was not just AA, and I felt like if I couldnt fit exactly back in the mold that I would be a threat and an outsider. Its just amazing to me that I have been going it alone for this long…I appreciate you all. :heart:

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Please have a warm Welcome @Mira_D Mira :people_hugging:

What I quoted from your post is a real gem. We all experienced similar during life. We grow out of things we relied on, we trusted, that helped us, that provided structure and connection. From my experience, the lessons and the helpful sides stay with us allthough we move on. Yes, it’s not the same anymore and trying to go back causes frustration because life and we changed, our needs, our desires, what we need for support, how we need support.

My heartfelt condolences on your traumatic losses. You had to navigate a very very demanding life. It’s ok that you are exhausted and tired. And you are not alone. You don’t have to cope alone. This is an amazing community you can reach out 24/7 as we are from all around the world.

I want to send you hugs :people_hugging::people_hugging::people_hugging::people_hugging::people_hugging:
We are here for you :sunflower:

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There are plenty of people who utilize AA here, as well as plenty of us who have never been and others who do a hybrid or whatever works for them. We try to be accepting of all journeys and do have some guidelines and rules around that, to attempt to keep the forum a safe space for all.

I am 6 years sober after 40+ of drinking and drugs …I called it functional (did all the stuff, kids, marriage, work, colleges, self employed, widow, remarriage, retired, blah blah blah), definitely not ‘white knuckling’ my sobriety and very grateful for it after so long wanting it and wandering about trying to figure it out. If interested, you can read about my journey by clicking on my avatar and going to my profile, I have some links there.

There have been plenty of discussions on here over the years regarding functional or moderating or AA or not … so you can look around and maybe find some of those threads if you are interested. I am a bit busy ATM or would link some for you.

You definitely don’t have to do it alone, no matter what program you are or aren’t following. :people_hugging: You have us now if you want.

It sounds like you want the cycle to end with you and I love that for you. My daughters talk about that so much for themselves … it is such a beautiful gift to your self, your children and those who will come after.

I really appreciate your thoughtful shares.

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I appreciate the love and responses - I cannot believe it has taken me so long to search online. I almost feel silly, but I guess now its just where I need to be (and hybrid you mean not doing AA 100% the way it says, to me that blows my mind - yet it really should not. I was an active member for about 5 years and continued to live happy, joyous and free for 5 more before my daughter was born so…that TECHNICALLY would be hybrid!). My thinking has been so all or nothing, one or other (no surprise? Lol).

Just thank you for being here, sharing and responding. I appreciate it!

I apprecia

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There is often an all or nothing thinking, I’m also this type of person and have been working on changing it for many years now, work in progresd. I prefer as well as. We humans are comfortable in white and black thinking, it is engraved in our ancient brain and does a good job. It doesn’t serve us when it comes to cope with dichotonomy, with complex situations which require enduring conflicting issues. The brain, the gut the heart and the soul work hard dealing with it and this is why we need rest, sleep and healthy routines, healthy eating and healthy people around us.
I don’t know if this thoughts help you. They help me a lot to be gentle on myself and take good care. Not only in sobriety, it’s a life concept.

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Not to hog up your thread (but here I go! :woman_shrugging:), but it seems to me you have been in survival mode for a long time. That doesn’t leave a lot of room for gray or nuanced thinking or exploration.

As erntedank says above, it is all a process this getting to know oneself. And being gentle with ourselves thru our journey is so important for healing.

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Appreciate so much these responses. I feel like I have a new lease here…I am in my mid-30s and feeling like you have all this growth to do can feel a bit disappointing (like shouldnt I be grown yet!!!), but also exciting too as I do truly believe that we should always be open and contibuing to grow and learn (sucks when its hard though and easier said then done!).

I am just coming to terms with so many things, and as “open” as I thought my mind and heart have been I have had a very solid picture of what “recovery” looked like to me - AA worked. The promises, all of it (5 years in, 5 years sober out and there was no downward hill in the 5 years out but a LOSS of community!). In my view, people got sober for good in AA but only if they were “honest”, and then the rest of people who left didnt get or stay sober. I have a lot of the ism in my family, so it seemed to me a few people got sober in AA, most left and you could either drink normally or were alcoholic. I didnt see until now how BLACK AND WHITE this thinking was. I didnt at all, and I think its because I was young in AA but also because thisbis how I was judging myself - when I tried going back to AA, I heard all the things i was doing wrong and internalized that as I was “constitutionally incapable of being honest” and that ever prophetic statement about how rarely people come in till they hit rock bottom (I now understand the correlation not causation there!).

I have recently met someone with 30 yrs of sobriety who is an amazing soul on my healing journey, and she did not use AA. This is MIND BLOWING to me. That there are others out there on other healing journeys (OF COURSE THIS MAKES SENSE it is crazy to me that I really internalized AA being superior…or the only way). Im sorry I will shut up about AA at some point (again this isnt necessarily about the program itslef but my perspective and how I internalized everything). I just am trying to get back in to tool belt mode, and want to share where I am a few times a week.

And I have been in survival mode for SO LONG!!! After our daughter died my husband and I really tackled it head on - together, thpugh pur greif journeys were . We both took time off, spent a lot of time engaging in things we needed to for our greif and did our best to guide our 3 yr old through it. It was excruiating, and this may sound odd to say but I really feel looking back like we did the best we could and handled it well (as could be). I felt a certain peace around her death, and knew (from my past experiences and growth in AA) that things would come of her down the road…then covid hit, and though the matra was “we’re in this together” some peoples journeys are more difficult then others. And having just lost a baby to a virus, and having an only child - I wont go in to all the details but my husband and I finally came to a point where we said, you know what its OKAY to acknowledge that we are having a harder time then other people (obviously we knew many had it worse, but it got exhausting listening to other people when we were a few months out of losing our daughter and the circumstances were so difficult). Its not self pity or selfish to say you know what allow me my pain!!! Then we got pregnant, SO MUCH healing but of course nerves being pregnant and having a baby during covid. Then we moved (another GIFT!), and good stress BUT HOLY STRESS moving with small kids/baby and then a few months after moving my sister was murdered. It just feels like we have been living in a state of STRESS and trying to hold on to each piece of BEAUTY, GRATITUDE AND JOY. I dont want to miss out on the beauty in life, but I am fucking exhausted. My nephew has besn with us for 6 months (after we renovated our home to build him a room…which was vedy stressful) and have been dealing with so much legally for him and my sister. I am FRIED. I have been dealing with everything. I have to step back, I have to make a plan and I have to take care of myself.

APPRECIATE THIS SPACE SO MUCH i miss my sister she was my space. I talked to her everyday and I have not been able to grieve her.

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First emotional trigger since I’ve been on this new journey - of 4 days lol. Its around my sister and nephew, and these are constant.

Im trying to recognize things as triggers, instead of just as my reaction and something I have no control over…or as something that just kind of puts me in a certain state of autmation or as me.

Just tried journaling about it, came hsre to throw it out there and breathing. I dont tend to cry often, and I am tryingbto work on going there with being sad. The saddness around my sister and her son are vedy triggering, so just being mindful of that.

Something I do know is that no one understands like another alcoholic. The stories dont need to be the same, but that connsction and level of understanding I have missed.

Appreciate the space and wishing everyone another 24

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Glad you shared Mira. I hope it eased you a tiny bit. :people_hugging:

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A good cry often helps me to ease a heavy heart and take the edge off high emotions of any kind. Great that you are using breathing to stay focused on yourself. I appreciate the short breath meditations I learned over time. They give me a break in difficult situations.
Keep coming here and sharing!

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