Starting Again (seeking community&encouragement)

[Mira_D]

One week today! I have to learn to celebrate the milestones, like i did once before - not alone. Had a good cry this morning. It hurts like hell. Sick also and I never get sick so not in the best shape with the 3 kids running around, but trying to recognize those practical triggers.

Getting pissed off.
Feeling like shit triggers a feeling of wanting an escape
Feeling good. Oh like im doing so well, I could just.
Chaos in home of 3 children and dynamic.

Thank you for beinf here & wishing everyone ajother 24! Xo.

*not sure why my autocoreect doesnt fix typing here, but i dont really care!

[SassyRocks]

Congrats on your week Mira!!!

Isn’t it the truth…feel good, celebratory drink! Feel bad, drink away your sorrows! And my favorite…day ends in Y, drink!

You got a lot on your plate.

[Mira_D]

Thank you so much! I just had the feeling of like, “Im good. Handling this day. Maybe a glass or two of wine? Or a beer or two?”. The feeling good trigger is a really funnt one to me bc its almost automatic, and like that part of my brain saying “its fine”.

I reallt do not even know how to deal with that feeling. Its like its there and niggling at me, like whatever its fine and when i get that automation I find it difficult to turn around.

I have my list in my medicine bag my uncle gave me of 7 reasons to quit that are good and 7 that are bad. Going to go read them after I get the kids to sleep & journal about the trigger. Sit with it, find out what its telling me and where its coming from. I think I know amd I think its more along the lines of “I am exhausted, overwhelmed and deserve it” lol.

I want to keep stacking the days. If i want it i have to do something differently. Fuxk its not easy is it? Xo.

[SassyRocks]

Definitely not easy, but 100% worth it. I had a list on my phone for a long while I would read over and over when I thought maybe 1 or 2 to unwind. If I haven’t shared with you yet and you are interested, let me know. It helped me a lot having that list. You can do this Mira.

[Mira_D]

Checking in. 11 days in. Im going to our moms house for a few days to bring my nephew, and I know being in the childhood home where my sister and I grew up has been triggering for me.

Going to check in each day when I am there, and I am working on a 4th step that Id like to sit down and dedicate some time to while I am just with 1 kid instead of 3. I am really trying to pay attention to the teiggers or the feeling overcome me of wanting a drink, and sitting with it. Had a big cry last night as I thpught about the profound differences in the losses of both my daughter and sister. I narrated it out loud to myself, i don’t know why but it felt like hearing me say the words made if real and clear vs thoughts swirling in my head. I told the stories out loud to myself, so i could hear what I was saying and finished the train of thpught. I cried as I was talking then sobbed after, and I did not feel like a drink today which happens when I touch the pain nerve of my sisters murder.

Anyway, wish me luck going back home. May I feel the memories and pain, and allow the process of healing to continue. Xo. Wish you all another beautofil 24.

[SassyRocks]

@Mira_D

May I feel the memories and pain, and allow the process of healing to continue.

I love the hard truth of this. Sending strength and clarity and much care.

[Mira_D]

I drank last night.

Im going over what happened, because I was not even thinking about it. I was having anxiety all day, that beating in my chest and I felt disoragnized and a bit strange. My nephew is leaving our home, and I have very hard feelings about that. All of my feelings feel like they are somewhere I cannot really touch, like underwater and I am just realizing that I have actual trauma (not like oh yes this is traumatizing, but TRAUMA and it is effecting how I engage with the world, my emotions and triggers). My emotions sit out of reach, and I had a deep cry rhe night before and felt good about not feeling I needed to drink hours later (the direct connect with emotion is not there. Its not like I cry and immediately or during want a drink…it doesnt come until later).

Triggers:

• cried night before
• anxiety all day
• emotions under surface about my nephew
• long road of trauma is not over (navigating life for my nephew; criminal trial & having to be witness)
• going to moms

So i took an ativan, which was prescribed for me after my sister died. I have seen a connection betwren taking an ativan and suddenly being super chill about taking a deink when I would take it or the risk was higher. I didnt notice at first, but i started drinking after my doctor prescribed them to me to use daily right after she died. So, thats it for those. I am not sure how I will deal with the panic, but I dont want to take something that alters me towards drinking.

Please pray for me & wish you all another 24

[SassyRocks]

Thank you for sharing so honestly and including your triggers and acknowledging the ativan leads to the drink. That is solid work in making the connection and knowing it isn’t helping.

You may have covered this before, but do you have a trauma specific therapist? It seems to me that finding the right therapist trained in deep trauma modalities could assist you.

[Mira_D]

I do have a beautiful therapist who does IFS work, and we are goinf back to move forward. I know I have trauma, and have had trauma befoee but I did not recognize it as PTSD until I was older and saw how it presented in soldiers. I had no idea my behaviours/thought patterns were shaped in that way, even jntil years in my sobriety.

I am here again, and again i think i was tellong myself I am not traumatized and i want so badly not to be a mess, I have so much responsibiligy on my plate and my mom and husband have both been having such a difficult time i have needed to keep the emofion even and be a support. I was not seeing how my behaviours/thpught patterns were shaped, and my emofions are off.

I would love to know more about how others get sober without strictly going to AA. It really scares me that I want to quit, and then drink anyway. I would love to ask questions of others for tips and advice about the beginning, if you arent gping to meetinfs and what helped and maybe share about what I am doing to see if others have feedback. I was thos very bad and do not want the shame I carry, or the shame of beinf a drinking parent. My children and husband are my world, and I want to do this. I will start another thread and ask. Thank you

[SassyRocks]

Glad you will continue working with your therapist. Trauma work is so important, unresolved, it can permeate everything in our lives, especially our emotions, feelings, reactions, ability to heal…at least that has been my experience.

I wanted to share a link to a post I made about my recovery process, perhaps it will help…

New here - just saying hello

Hi Becky!! Welcome!! Yes, there are people here who don’t do a formal program (like me), tho I have read about a lot of them and learned a lot from them as well. We all need to find what works best for our selves, at least that is what I believe. I utilized a lot of other resources as well in my journey. This is a lengthy response, but I wanted to share some of what helped me along the way, maybe some of it can be of use to you… Community I started my journey years ago and there were fewer ‘so…

I hope you can get some rest Mira.

[Mira_D]

Thank you so much for this. I am going to write and read in here daily.

I cannot believe I am just learninf there are all of these other sober communities.

I appreciate all of your responses.

[Mira_D]

Good morning,

Oh the saddness is heavy for me today. I havent felt so fractured in life since maybe I was a young teenager.

I think where I disjointed with my rel with alcohol this time was I kept hearing that, in my mind life was unmanageable because of alcohol and it felt like no. My life is deeply unmanageable because my sister was murdered, I am navigating two court systems that do not care about the trauma they cause to victims families, I am caring for my nephew while trying to raise two children and he needs 1-1…and I could go on.

I have also not had emotional support around me, aside from my therapist and my best friend and those closest to me need a lot emotionally.

These are not excuses, as I felt before they are reasons why the drinking part of me is like “allow me to help with this mess”. I am learning that the intention of that part (this is just one perspective) is good - she is part of me and she wants to help, but the behavipur is not good. I find it SUPER terrifying to admit that maybe AA wasnt enough, or that it just wasnt the right fit becayse it worked for me before and suddenly I was without a “solution”. AA tells me if Im not getting it the issue is me, and Im pretty used to thinking the issue is me and also its a bit less scary to feel like Im the problem then the fact that I may need to branch out. I always thpught aside from harm reduction that there wasnt anything but AA out there. I am not online at all, this is the first time I have joined anything online and i cannot even figure out how to fix my autocorrecr (if you see my messages with words all spelt wrong I am not posting drunk I dont know how to turn on autocorrect).

Anyways, i just feel very different. I will do anything to get and stay sober, and I havent felt that way or been thinking so outside the box. I just felt like this is me, and where I am now, and my solution isnt working because I am bad and in my ego and cant be honest. Its so very difficult for me to unlearn a lot of thinfs I absorbed in AA (And I really have nothing against it! I loved my time there, and the steps are beautiful…but maybe there is another way, amd maybe for a woman who was raised to not be confident from a small age, experienced trauma and knew how to serve and be thete for others befpre AA ever came along…maybe there is more to the story).

I am goinf to find a womens retreat for trauma/meditation/addiction or some combination of that. I told myself and my husband I would go to rehab if I picked up one more drink, and in thinking creatively i thought…well, im not sure i want to go somewhere that is AA based, and I can likely find a retreat more quickly.

I will come here and update, and read and comment on posts. I reallg want to start exercising and caring for myself, but i have not had time. That is not an excuse, it has besn my reality since my sister was killed.

I appreciate this place, and I want this more then anything. I grew up with alcoholic parents, and I got sober not wanting this for my chuldren. I would hate myself if I stayed on this road, and I know I have nothing to lose. I have to admit I have PTSD (i dont know why that is so hard for me, but its like i have been ignoring the fact that I have trauma) and that i dissociate. This is when i drink. That is why it is automatic, and I feel i cannot trust myself.

Trust is huge again. My sister was murdered by someone I considered my brother in law, and though our relationship did strain over the years - particularly I was ready for him to be finished with him after he assaulted her when she first tried to leave (she did not tell us the extent of what happened), I was always cordial, my sister never spoke ill of him and I now understand how much she was controlled and manipulated. We were not a family watching this going hes going to kill her, even if we did not care much for him in the end as a good partner for her and saw he was not doing much for his son. I never saw this coming, my trust in people and lofe and the world is shaken. And the lack of support to us as we navigate this, the system is dragging us over a dirt road and everyone keeps saying “thats just how it is”.

I need to join a homicide survivor group also maybe, but I want to not go off in too many directions at once. I try to do too many things to help myself and then I feel like im failing when i dont do them all.

Theres my dump for the morning!

[Cjp]

Sounds like you have some acceptance and plans in your rant this morning. Im rooting for you!

[Mira_D]

I am 5 days today. Been here a few times. I need to celebrate, or just acknowledge these moments. Even in my sobriety befoee, i only celebrated 1 year in AA and kept to myself for the rest of my sobriety. I prefer not having attention on me and i dont like tooting my own horn…but when something youre doing isnt working, TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

i notice for me i do not and have not obsessed about drinking as much as I obsess about not drinking. I am terrified of it. Anyone else experience those obsessions? Its like im a glutton for givinf myself crap. Anyway, i really do notice that…not dealing with obsessing to drink, but obsessing about not deinking and fearing the “switch”.

I wrote my list of triggers, and I wanted to review it becayse I was wondering how many of them are related to trauma. I called it a switch, the decision to drink how it just flicks. Not there all the time, or even most of the time. Wrote out my triggers, and there are a lot. But i now understand the switch is associated with trauma and where i dissociate. I just (not to say that i hate words like that but i do). Part of me just wants to be “grown up”, and able to move beyond things like PTSD and dissociating (i know that sounds awful i am not directing that ACTUALLY at these issues or anyone who has them i know this isnt an issue that is determined by how old or mature you are).

I read a study once which talked about a line of thought that PTSD doesnt necessarily happen to all ppl who experoence Trauma, but it is more likely to happen when the trauma is unexpected or the person didnt have a clear understanding of how bad something could get. Something like that. It is interesting to me to see the difference in exprriences pf losing my own chuld and losing my sister; and what happened around their death, and this stufy just came to my mind.

Wishing everyone another 24 & peace & healing on your journeys. Thanks for hearing me out non drinking club

[Mira_D]

Sitting here on the bay, everyone is sleeping and I wanted to just put my thoughts out. I havent drank here on the island since I was arounf 16. I am having little thoughts, but wjen you have those thoughts you need to reach out and put them out to those who get it and understand. I am so grateful to have this space because I havent had that in a long time.

Thinking about why I dont want to:

• I feel good. This is what I want, to be a non-drinker.
• I am in a beautiful place, with my family making new memories.
• My daughter. Though it isnt really more important for her then my son, I feel more of a responsibility to her as she is older, and part of my reaction after her birth was attached to the fact that she was a girl. Having a girl made me feel helpless to protect her from things I could not protect her from in this world, and also whether of not I would repeat history. I want to be a non-drinker, someone who is constantly learning and growing, to show both of my children that it is possible…for them to feel safe, to look up and be proud of me as their parent, for them to one day respect me (when they are old enough to understand the concept), and to not take up too much space in their therapy sessions when they get older (LOL)
• I do love my life. I have always wanted more then jsut being sober, I have wanted to live and discover (in my own way), and to be happy with what I have.
• there are a million reasons big and small, I just want to do this.

Feel so blessed to be here. I started coming to this place, every summer sincd I was 6 and my sister was 2. Havent been here for 5 years, and being here with both of my kids - who are 6 and 2, I am flooded with memories of summers here with my sister. These emotions are hard to touch in a way, but I have been tryinf to sit with them and feel the soft breeze in my hair. I love playing with my kids and nephdw and Im looking forward to a week filled with fun, crazy chaotic fun, . The 3 of them sure keep us busy. Keep me strong my little communitu. Thank yoh so much for being here. Xo.