Two nights ago I was eating dinner at the restaurant I work at and getting ready to go home. My boss walked up to me and handed me the new drink special. Out of no where. She made it just for me.
I drank it. I immediately called my dealer and got some pills.
How did that happen? 3 week anniversary…just gone. I’m upset. I’m tired of starting over. Last night I figured why not drink one more day before I quit again. Only reason I didn’t get more narcotics was because he was out. As a result I ruined me and my boyfriends night together last night by getting violently I’ll and manic after drinking half a fifth. I woke up this morning smoked some pot, half a cigg, and drank a little oj and vodka for the hangover. I was supposed to go to work but I called out…
Why am I sharing all this? Because it took one choice. One choice not to say no for me to go off on a 3 day spree. I pray to God its over and this morning was the end. I must start again, if I put it off it will only be so much worse. I’m craving the pills terribly now but I must be strong. Soon my 7 hours clean will be 7 days then 17 again, and then I’ll continue on hopefully longer then last time. I guess I’m really discourages I just ruined 21 days of no alcohol, pot, cigs, or drugs…but instead of dwelling on it I’m looking for encouragement to pick myself back up and not make the same mistakes next time.
It happens…
Just the other day i was saying to myself "i want my 4 years back"
Don’t beat yourself up over it, that just drives you down further into a hole you don’t need to be in.
Just take it as a lesson learned, that feeling you have now can be your strength next time you need it.
Wish i could tell you why we let ourselves slip when we slip but everyone’s got their own reasons for that…find strength in the fact that you realize you don’t like feeling like this and maybe that in itself can help stop it from happening again.
Starting over is hard but you’ll get it right if yout keep trying!
Do you have someone to talk to in times when you feel like you might be heading the wrong way?
Can you ask your boss not to hand you a drink and let him/her know that your trying to quit?
@Ash I know the feeling, I’ve been there before many times. It’s hard not to beat yourself up but try to focus on today and the positive changes you can make! The important thing is that your alive and are willing to continue fighting for your life. Never give up, you fall of the wagon and pick yourself up and try again! Much love & hugs 
I’ve been there 
I’m Sorry that happened hun… And I know how it feels to be tired of the same sick cycle. You might want to try to be more self-aware of your thoughts and actions every moment… That’s how I avoid making split second decisions that might start that cycle all over again.
I’m going to tell her I’m allergic to alcohol. I did reach out to a sober friend and my Sponser but I had already taken the first sip and I just couldn’t stop. The wheels just started spinning so fast to get messed up. It was so fast. I’m trying to stay positive.
Thank you all for your encouragement. Its frustrating to be making slow progress but I know as long as I’m trying to move forward I’m not falling backward. @volatile being more self aware is really good advice. I just had posted a few days before that I felt a relapse was close and my routine was off yet I still put off meetings. Its extremely difficult when your substance is handed to you which is exactly what happened when my wisdom teeth were pulled and I relapsed after 4 months. I can’t dwell on it tho. I am really greatful for this forum and everyone’s encouragement. I will keep trying.
Be strong , I’m the same way I do good for days then I have a few beers and then I call my dealer for some cocaine and it’s over , I call in to work, I’ve spent countless dollars on alcohol and drugs I feel as if my life is falling apart I just went through a divorce and I’ve gotten worse, we have to be strong and just say no, easier said then done I feel your pain, today is a new beginning for me hopefully this is it for me , good luck in your recovery stay strong together we can do it
Man…divorces are rough. I’m Sorry you have to go through that hun. Us divorced people have to stick together.
Yes I agree , I really have gone down hill since February when it went final
I totally understand. I didn’t start using heroin until after my husband left me.
It’s just crazy , what it has done to my life
I know right? I keep telling myself to stop dwelling on it… But I’m so angry. And sad. It is one of the most traumatic things I’ve ever experienced.
I’m at 25 days. If I can do it, you definitely can. 
Three days since my initial relapse…I haven’t smoked pot or ciggs , I haven’t done drugs (he’s out but I keep mindlessly asking) but I can’t put down the damn alcohol. I’m at work, finishing a jack and coke and I honestly want it to be my last. I’m now restarted on even my soda addiction, and my few meager days on all my addictions has my mind going why bother, try tomorrow. But I’m sick. I have a headache, I’m craving a high, and I’m at work for Gods sake. I’m leaving for vacation to CT in a hotel with my boyfriend tonight and were going to visit my sick gram. I want to be sober and enjoy myself. I need to be. The insanity of this disease appals me. I can’t let this relapse continue
I’m so sorry sweetie… I think you really do need a sponsor, someone you can call or text when you feel that deep, gnawing urge to drink. Look, i know you don’t know me very well, and because I haven’t done the steps I can’t support you in that way, but if you need someone to talk you out of drinking so you can visit your Grandma sober i am more than happy to be that person. At least until you find a more qualified sponsor. I’ll send you My phone number and you Can call or text if you need to. If not That’s Okay too, I’m just Here to help.