Welcome back Sarah, it’s hard I know. We know something isn’t helping us but we go to it anyway - like water flowing across a riverbed. The water’s been flowing there so long that it goes there by default.
Getting sober is about changing the way the river flows. It is possible to change where a river flows - it is possible to build dams and dykes, to redirect the water - but it is impossible to do it alone. (Not even beavers can do it alone, and they’ve got those huge teeth to help them!)
It’s also impossible to change where a river flows if you don’t have a plan. This is where sober supports from groups help (like these: www.AA.org or Online meeting resources or www.InTheRooms.com or other alcohol / addiction recovery spaces). Groups and their programs connect us with people and methods that help us change the way our river flows.
Take care Sarah and don’t give up. All humans get just one day at a time, and you do too. Just focus on today.
Do you mind if I ask what happened on the bad day you mentioned?