Of course, I’m trying to be an open book nowadays, honesty helps keep me in line!
I started drinking and smoking when I was 16 in highschool as a way to fit in and gain acceptance from my peers! I was in marching band (trumpet) and every weekend the seniors would throw parties and everybody was invited so I quickly began to associate fun/acceptance/normalcy with drinking and smoking. “Can’t go to a party and not get wasted, what’s the point? Where’s the fun in that?” kind of thinking.
So my drinking started as a social lubricant and only that. I dabbled in psychedelics and prescription pills as well, anything that would “numb the pain”. But after I graduated highschool my depression (which had been there for years, unaddressed and suppressed by the use of drugs and alcohol) reared its ugly head and I after getting home from my first in patient rehabilitation program in 2012 (intervention by family) meant to deal with my addiction to pills (hydrocodone & morphine) I began to drink alone. Ironically I’ve never touched pills again since then, so I’m 13 years sober from prescription pills now!
After a year of heavy drinking and mixing alcohol with Xanax (0/10 would not recommend) I had a particularly terrible day, after which my family approached me and I agreed to go to inpatient rehab again (2013)! After that experience I moved from my home town to the city the rehab was in and moved in with a guy who had recently graduated from the same rehab and who had a house with extra room! I stayed sober for about a year, but eventually found out spice was being sold in smoke shops and went off the deep end with that stuff. I had a mental break (coming off spice is a wickedly nasty experience) and bought a bus ticket back home.
Wound up moving back home, and maintained decent behavior for a couple years before my drinking got really, really bad. Not only was I drinking a lot, but I was behaving poorly towards family and friends, driving drunk, and basically doing nothing but drinking. At this point I decided to approach my family and ask if I could go to rehab again (2016). They were obviously happy, but not expecting it to stick as this was my third attempt.
The third attempt also got me some sober time after I got out, but due to a really toxic relationship I had chosen to remain in despite much contrary advice from many people, I relapsed within 6 months. I had attempted intensive outpatient rehab once I got home but fell out of it as soon as I relapsed.
I moved around a little bit, living with friends but always found a way to betray trust or deceive them in one way or another, so back home I went, tail tucked. The drinking got pretty bad again after a few more years (especially during the Covid outbreak) and eventually talked to my doctor about medication to help with the drinking and was prescribed Antabuse (disulfiram) as a means to stay sober from alcohol (2021). If you drink after taking the medication you become violently ill, and that worked for years. Three to be exact.
That brings us to August 2024, when I relapsed. I had decided to come off the medication and told myself I could handle drinking, convincing myself that it would be different this time. I began all my old behaviors like lying and stealing and being an asshole to everyone around me. Simply stated it was no different.
After 3 months of intense drinking I was “sick and tired of being sick and tired” and I contacted an outpatient rehabilitation program in a city close to mine and began attending in December of 2024! during my time there I was advised to come off the Antabuse, they saw it as a crutch and in all honesty it was one. I relied on the medication to keep me sober instead of internal strength and commitment. Since then I haven’t had a drink and I an extremely grateful for their help, I 100% was incapable of stopping without constant accountability and help from professionals. In February of this year I also quit cocaine, which was really hard considering I never considered myself a cocaine addict. But as soon as I stopped I had a really hard time functioning without it.
In April of this year I lost consciousness behind the wheel of my car and got into a really bad car accident, thankfully I was sober (I had still been smoking weed at the time) which really put a lot of things into perspective for me. I have been to neurologists and cardiologists to try to find the cause of the loss of consciousness but no luck so far. In September I consulted a somnologist and got a sleep study scheduled for January 2026 (I was diagnosed with narcolepsy in highschool, 1/3 of people who have narcolepsy also suffer from cataplexy which is when you fall asleep randomly) and during that consultation I was told the best way to get the best results was for me not to have thc, large amount of caffeine, or nicotine in my system when I have the study done, so I made the decision to one by one cut out weed (October 1st 2025), soda/energy drinks (November 1st 2025) and nicotine (December 1st 2025) with no plans to return to any one of them!
You asked why I got sober, short answer is because I don’t like the person I become when I drink. I make bad decisions, often dangerous ones that put people lives in danger, and act poorly and sometimes aggressively towards family and friends. All of which I’m not fuckin down with.
You asked why I became an addict, short answer is because I craved acceptance from my peers, and used drugs and alcohol to fit in. Only years later did I realize I was also self medicating for my depression.
I carry a lot of guilt about things I’ve done, but thankfully my shame has dissipated over the last few months! Nothing I can do now will change the things I’ve done, the only thing I can change is how I act now, and work towards a better future for myself!
I appreciate you asking me to share, that was a bit cathartic to be honest. It’s good to remember how shitty life can be to remind myself of how good it is now in comparison! If you’d like to share your story I’d be glad to read and relate! But definitely no pressure, only if/when you feel comfortable!
) and they damn sure would never give/offer me any, especially if I asked for it!