Struggling after 1yr + 9 months of sobriety

[Iwebt]

Hi all,

It’s been a long time since I posted on this forum. I’ve been sober for over a year and 9 months now.
In that time, I have learned a lot about why I drank. I am an anxious person, growing up in a home with 2 alcoholic parents, one of which was very scary. In the time that I have been sober I have been trying to learn healthy ways of coping, and how to gain access to that fun-loving, open and easy-going person I became after the first couple of drinks. So far, I have not been successful. I have tried talk therapy and counselling, fitness, self-help books, spending loads of time in nature, etc, etc. I don’t feel I’m any further forward. In fact, I feel it’s progressively gotten worse. I am uptight, I have a rubbish sense of humour, I suck at small talk, I am constantly wrapped up in fear, and I can’t help but wear this exhausting social mask that tires me out enough to make me uninterested in and even afraid of socializing anymore.

Over the last year, it has been one unfortunate event after another, but I have managed to stay sober and keep pushing through. More recently, I have been bombarded with difficult situations - my mom has been diagnosed with Cancer, my dad has relapsed and is blacking out a lot, I’ve just been put on the wait-list for IVF, and my husband is facing the possibility of losing his career due to a long-term injury. The sheer force of all of this hitting at once after a year of already trying desperately just to keep my head above water has made me mentally paralyzed. I have closed my business and quit/cancelled all of my commitments to give myself some time to deal with everything. I spend much of my days in bed feeling very, very, VERY tired. Lately, my thoughts have ventured to dark places. I feel I am a burden, that I am unloved, or even if I am loved, that I don’t deserve to be. I am desperate for solutions, which has brought me back to thoughts of a person I once was when I handled my stress with drinking. I don’t want to drink, and I know how much I will hate myself if I do. I know that if I do, it will be even harder to stop than the last time. But I also feel that if I can’t pull myself out of this, then what options do I have left?

Can anyone relate? How did you get yourself out of the deepest depths without having any energy, will, motivation or care for yourself?

[JasonFisher]

Hang in there… Hopefully reaching out and talking about it helps you feel better.

I had been sober for a long time. Life on lifes terms events had been rough for three or four years for me. Really rough.

I ended up convincing myself that a drink couldn’t make it worse. I ended up spending ten years in relapse. It was harder for me to get sober again than I ever imagined it could be. It wasnt worth it.

[SassyRocks]

It is good to see you back, tho I am sorry it is because of such challenging times around you and within. A year and 9 months is strong hard fought sober time for sure and yet still early in sobriety as well. At least that has been my experience in the first few years. I still had that escape hatch thought process which had ruled my life…just wanting all of it (life’s challenges and my reactions to life’s challenges) to go away. I still feel like that sometimes for sure, and I also know that drinking or drugs aren’t going to change anything other than how I feel about myself and likely make a lot of stuff feel a lot worse. It sounds like you know that as well.

Like you, I had a real challenging time finding my footing on feelings, emotions, social footing, feeling normal and okay. It took me a few years of sobriety really to feel some sense of ease and I still struggle often with who I am now versus who I was before. I guess I was holding onto the fantasy 2 drink version of me (happy, witty, fun) versus the reality 2 bottle me (angry, sloppy, suicidal). That was just me tho. I do know I am extremely grateful to not have all those mental drinking gymnastics in my head anymore. I know, truly and deeply, just what a rabbit hole drinking is for me. I can’t do that anymore.

Idk, you have a lot on your plate. Life can really mess with us. I get that. And I am sorry it is hitting you hard right now. I do know for myself, I struggled for a few years to feel at home in my body / mind / spirit … I was restless, on edge, not whole. It was that…what now stage. No lie, I dip in and out of it still. I think it is part of life tho, you know? Like there is no magical finish line where we are healed and whole and always feel good.

We get this idea that happiness is supposed to be our constant state … and I don’t think that is reality. Life fluctuates. Sometimes for long periods of time. When we can learn to ride the wave more, we can bring our selves back to being present. Even with our shitty circumstances or feelings.

It was a couple of years in when mindfulness really became a theme for me. Being present with what is. Not what I wish for, but what is. Being here, now. In the entirety of the human experience. The more I clung to wanting life to be a certain way, the more it pained me when it wasn’t.

Let go, or be dragged. I got dragged a lot.

I come back often to my Pocket Pema Chodron. It helps me stay centered and feel more at home in myself. Idk if that will resonate at all for you, but I wanted to share this…I come back to it a lot when my feelings overwhelm me (which they do a lot)…

[Lisa07]

Sorry to hear you are struggling. You’ve got a lot on your plate and I can relate. Living life on life’s terms is very difficult but think about how much worse it will get if we pick up.

I’m 3.5 years into my sober journey and it’s been challenging since the beginning. More recently, I’ve been faced with my husband being out of work, with no income due to injuries requiring multiple surgeries. Having to be the sole caregiver to him and our disabled daughter while being the only income has taken a toll on my mental and physical well-being. This went on for a year and a half and resulted in us having to sell our home due to financials. Also, I’ve lost a couple very close family members to cancer over the past year.

I’m finding life more difficult sober but I know these same things (and worse) could happen if I was still drinking and drugging. What’s helping me is going to AA meetings and sharing with like minded people. That hour I get is such a reprieve from daily life.

I’m sharing my struggles with you to let you know you are not alone at all. I truly believe life will get better if we keep our sobriety in tact. There has to be a light at the end of this long ass tunnel.

Sending love and strength to you during these difficult times.

[Dreams]

Hey, did you try doing daily Meditation? 20 minutes a day may not Seem Like they could Change much but it really does. And don’t give up if you don’t feel better immediately. The brain changes even if it doesn’t feel like that. After years you’re going to thank yourself for it. It should be done daily to be effective and with consistency, it’s gonna be easier for your brain to find out how to be more funny, more social, talk smarter and be wittier in general. For me at least that are some benefits of meditation I can feel after doing it daily for 3 years. The first time I realized the potency of a meditative practice was about 4 months into doing it daily

[BirdyP]

Sending you so much love, @Iwebt. I am just shy a year n 9 months myself. I miss the days in the beginning when just not drinking made everyday awesome.
Get out of bed, put on some music, get in the shower. If you can, take a walk outside. I have found that any day I can do these is a better day. A step further… drink warm lemon water or tea, suck on a Cinnamon Fire Jolly Rancher lol or your favorite candy. @SassyRocks pocket Pema, awesome suggestion. Try listening to The Tao of Pooh, by Benjamin Hoff & EH Shepard on audio. Have you read Quit Like a Woman, by Holly Whitaker? Or Untamed by Glennon Doyle? You Can Do Hard Things.
I am here with you.

[SassyRocks]

Great book suggestions!!! And congrats on your almost a year and 9 months as well!!

[Yoda-Stevie]

@Iwebt

how to gain access to that fun-loving, open and easy-going person I became after the first couple of drinks.

Were you really this person, or was it just the loss of inhibition that comes when alcohol affects the part of the brain where judgment, logic, and most of all, self-preservation are housed?

I used to believe I was this happy, funny, great guy after a couple drinks. Now, over five years later, long-time friends tell me they like who I am sober…and I was kind of an asshole when I was drinking.

Also, it sounds like you are facing a storm in your personal life. Please consider that you are probably better prepared today to face these sorts of things, than you would be if you were drinking. Things like this happen in every lifetime, wether we’re drunk or sober. There are healthy ways to deal and as long as you are searching for them and and willing to try them, it means you are still fighting.

And remember, you are never alone. We’re here. We may not always have answers, but we can always sit with you and commiserate with you, and empathize with you, because dealing with stuff like this is part of living. Dealing with it without turning to drugs or alcohol is better living.

[emc2018]

@Iwebt

I am uptight, I have a rubbish sense of humour, I suck at small talk, I am constantly wrapped up in fear, and I can’t help but wear this exhausting social mask

I recognise this kind of self-talk; I do it too. We all have that dark, hurtful, critical voice within, I call mine 'the enemy’. For me, I try to recognise when the enemy is taking charge of my mind/thoughts and calmly, carefully and compassionately ease my attention elsewhere, focus on something in the here and now, that’s positive or going right in the world. I suffer from constant and overwhelming anxiety issues too, and, sometimes it’s overbearing, but I have learnt that it passes, then returns and then passes and then returns and so on. I do remember when I used to drink though. Oh MY how much worse it would be. I was in DESPERATE DESPAIR, literally wanting my life to end. Whenever I fantasize on the ‘old days’ and thinking that it was “easier” back then, I remind myself of this truth. It was AWFUL when I drank. Alcohol is poison for me. It makes me SO sick physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. SO sick.

@Iwebt

I feel I am a burden, that I am unloved, or even if I am loved, that I don’t deserve to be.

Please know that this is not true. This is your disease speaking. You DO deserve love!! We all do and you are so WORTHY - of love, joy, happiness, serenity, peace. The Universe loves you, your family love you, we love you YOU just need to love you because you are worthy of that love. And deep down you know it, that’s why you’re here and fighting for your sobriety you are enough, exactly as you are
I’m sorry that you’re going through so much right now. That’s hard. You are strong, courageous and capable. Life …the good, the bad and the ugly. It sucks. But when you remember the strength you have within, to meet these challenges and see them through, you realise that it’s all part of living and being human.
I think about this quote during my own tough times:
Peace is the result of retraining our mind to accept life as it is, rather than how we think it should be
Also, I’m reading a book by Brene Brown at the moment called The Gifts of Imperfection have you read it before? If not, I highly recommend it
And lastly, just remember, drinking is only going to make you and all of this much worse. Drinking is NOT your solution. Drinking is throwing fuel on a fire.
Sending you strength and love

[Dan531]

A little over 3.5 years sober here and I’ve been through some shit in that time. I’ve had very suicidal kids, lost loved family members (people and animals), not to mention the normal fucking life gives (things breaking, medical bills, ect.) plus trying to feel alright crawling in my skin.

My entire adult life until a few years ago when shit got overwhelmeing I escaped with booze… didn’t fix shit. All that it did was make me suck at life. I still kinda suck at life, I’m learning though. So are you.

Some people by nature are glass half empty, some are glass half full. I tend to be glass half empty. If I find things that I’m grateful for is helpful. Start your day with gratitude, it’ll help a little shifting your perspective. Also have you had your hormone levels tested?

@Iwebt

what options do I have left?

Stay sober for just today, that is the best option you have. Congrats on 1 year and 9 months. Keep on ODAAT, best wishes.

[BLOODSHOTJOKER]

That negative self talk, damn that brings back some haunting memories for me. I try to love me where I am, meet myself half way. No expectations. When I quit drinking the negative self talk subsided for me albeit a little bit. Its been enough to function. For me this is life NOW, SOBER.

Some say if just talking about it isn’t working therapy may be required, to set some goals and a plan to navigate you out of your depression.

You have made it this far, and whether its been easy, realize the sober you is handling much better than the old version of you. Im proud of you!!! Your time is an inspiration Keep going!!!

[TrustyBird]

I can relate. The only reason I would ever pick up is because of the perceived release it would give me to be wild and crazy. I said perceived and I stand by that. I think that I look at myself as a drinker through rose colored glasses sometimes. I had so many friends*, I was out all the time, I took risks and was a wild adventurer.

*Those people were also running from their true selves and saw a kindred spirit in me.

I fall back into the “I was so fun and now I’m not trap” sometimes too. The truth is that now I’m honest and real and any adventurousness I find is authentic and not based on a desire for a good story or a desire to see if I can escape death.

I’m sorry you are struggling. You have a lot going on and that anxious voice seems to want to trick you into hating yourself. Please don’t listen. Nothing good comes from drinking. It’s a mask.

[Matt]

@Iwebt

I am uptight, I have a rubbish sense of humour, I suck at small talk, I am constantly wrapped up in fear, and I can’t help but wear this exhausting social mask that tires me out enough to make me uninterested in and even afraid of socializing anymore.

Sounds like me.

It sounds like you feel you’re not the person you think you’re “supposed” to be. I get that completely. Both me and my wife have been through that and in some ways we still grapple with it. (Coincidentally we also did IVF, though that’s a bit of a side story.)

But it also sounds like you might be someone for whom the kind of “standard” (artificial standard) of human interaction is not a natural fit. There’s this popular idea that there’s an “ideal” way to get ahead, interact with others, form meaningful friendships, blah blah blah - but it’s fake. There’s maybe 20% or 30% of people who are like that by default. The others - which includes me, and maybe you? - have a different “tune”, a different way of being and interacting in the world.

Do you really want to be making small talk? I hate small talk. I wanna have meaningful unmasked one on one talk.

Do you really want to be masking yourself the way you are? If you think about a place or time where you’ve felt at home, unmasked, what is it? (Obviously not alcohol related, but other places or times.) Think back, think of activities, people, moments - somewhere is a space where you feel like you’re not pretending.

What can you change (a little change in routine or people or places) so you don’t have to be pretending as much as you are? So you can have some times and places where you feel unmasked?

[J_Lo_Ste]

Nice grounding points

[Iwebt]

Hey all,

Thanks so much for kindly taking the time to respond with such compassion and insight. I read all of your messages carefully, let them soak in, and today, I have felt truly uplifted. I don’t know how to thank you. I had no idea how much I needed you all. I’m glad I came back to the forum.

There have been a lot of lovely seeds planted from your messages. I had enough energy today to get out of bed, and start putting in the work to crawl further out of this hole I’ve dug myself into. I have also noted all of your book recommendations, so thank you for those as well.

Thanks again for your help. I really wish I had the right words to fully convey how much each of you have helped.

@JasonFisher @SassyRocks @Lisa07 @Dreams @BirdyP @Yoda-Stevie @emc2018 @Dan531 @BLOODSHOTJOKER @TrustyBird @ Matt

[TrustyBird]

@Iwebt

Thanks again for your help. I really wish I had the right words to fully convey how much each of you have helped.

Right back at you. I didn’t realize what I was feeling until I wrote out my response to you but those thoughts had been wiggling into my brain for a while. Thank YOU for putting yourself out there, it helped me too.

[BirdyP]

Warms my heart, and builds my own strength to know that you had a better day! Thank you for letting us know. Praying tomorrow is better still. Right here with you.

[BirdyP]

Little gift from me & Calm. You can listen to it for free and also get an extended trial to access more!

Healing (Calm Mix)

[Dreams]

@Lisa07

minded

Thanks I’m glad we could help. As you said you noted all the book recommendations I can only tell you which two books changed my life for the better: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
And
Bliss More by Light Watkins

Without these two books I might not be alive as I was using so much ended up in hospital multiple times but these books have sparked something in me that will always choose recovery, to heal and be free

[Iwebt]

I have The Power of Now sitting on my nightstand! I listened to the audiobook last year, but bought a copy so I could pay better attention to it. Haven’t cracked it open yet though.