Struggling with Sobriety

This time last year, I started a sober journey. I went about 4 months without drinking a drop. I told myself I needed to focus on being sober so that I could figure out if the marriage I was in was actually healthy or not. I discovered during that time that I had been drinking to escape him. He was an incredibly abusive person, both on physical and mental/emotional levels. When January hit, he acted out and broke a table in half with my kids present. I was strong minded enough being sober to say that’s enough and made him leave. January 5th was the last day we lived together. He began harassing me pretty regularly after that, and I started drinking again in February. We have been going through a very long drawn out divorce. When we got into mediation, I was very tired and emotional and I really got fucked by him pretty badly as far as my kids go. He has more time with them than he should given all of the history, but I was weaker in that room than I thought I would be that day. So many feelings of regret immediately followed, and I’ve been struggling with it badly ever since. Our divorce is still not finalized because he is giving me problems again about logistical stuff that was already signed. He has been threatening me via text, saying he is going to tell my kids this that and the third about me someday. That he’s going to tell everyone this and that. That he’s going to put me on blast on Facebook, etc. The attorney I have had on this case has been awful. I feel like she really did me a disservice when it came down to it. I have noticed though that my ex has become a major trigger for me though, because when he starts going off like that, my anxiety just gets so bad that I want to drink, and I will drink a lot when I do. He had the kids over the weekend, and I drank so much that I passed out… but then I woke up in the middle of the night with crippling anxiety and had a major panic attack with heart papiltations and all. Apparently while he had them this weekend, he also had some random new girl he is seeing staying the night with them… which isn’t supposed to be a thing until the divorce is final. But there it is. I literally woke up at 1:30am (about 2 hours ago) and cannot fall back asleep. Just so much anxiety over it all and so much regret over how much I have been screwed in this so far. Major financial worries looming with that. I took melatonin twice tonight trying to fall back asleep to no avail. All I can think of is wishing I could just drink a glass of wine right now to fall asleep, but I know I can’t because I have to be up in another hour and a half to get the day started with my kiddos. It just makes me so sick how somebody so awful has been able to get away with so much and never be held accountable. I feel so angry with myself lately because I feel like I have just been another enabler with the situation and how it turned out. Maybe that is why I have been drinking more. Maybe it’s just that I am mad at myself.

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i wish i had good advice for you… my ex was a crazy one too, thankfully there were no kids involved so i was able to cut him off completely. Do you have any evidence of his abuse? abusive texts, pictures of bruises or the broken table, etc that you could show the judge? can you tell him that your phone isnt working anymore and to text you instead and see if you can get an example of his abuse that way. idk, im not the post helpful

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My heart broke readong this; I just wanted to send you a big hug… I’m sorry you’re in this situation; you’re a loving mom and a good person. Please hang in there!:hugs:

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I’m feeling your pain, when I got divorced I got nothing, I got all the blame though my Mrs was being unfaithful, no child access not because I’m nasty or bad just because she wanted her new boyfriend to be dad. You have so many questions in your head and I’m not going to pretend to have all the answers but the only thing I know for sure is drinking makes it all worse. You can’t deal with this drunk, the decisions you make now need to be done with a clear head, fuck all that Facebook blackmail to, because that’s what it is, it’s emotional blackmail, it’s probably even illegal. What your embarrassed about probably isn’t that bad. I once got threatened with a video of me masterbating, sex is the most natural thing in the world, so I went to work and told my colleagues that they might want to avoid my Facebook for a few days, if you decide to watch it, go for it, but I can assure you that I was having alot more fun than them. If its stuff you did when you were drunk then that’s why you stay sober now, that’s the old you, you don’t do that now, you didn’t like that version of you so chose to take control and stop drinking,. What other people think of you is none of your business. For now tell your kids you love them, tell them til there sick of it. Love conquers all. Be strong.

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I’m feeling your pain … I had a terrible divorce years ago my ex husband moved straight in with another woman and it hurt like hell that’s when my drinking took off big time and follow by cocaine… whenever ex had my kids is binge my way through the weekend and feel guilt and shame for days after… when my daughter was 12 she went to live with her dad as i had a breakdown it was only ment to be for a few weeks I took me 2 painful years and my daughter’s self harming to make him realise the damage he caused by keeping her away from me… if I could give the old me advice I would of focus on me all them years ago and got soba I wish I knew about the help and support there is out there 2 fix me but I don’t think I realised I had a problem until I got hooked on heroin… Have you tried going to aa there’s so much support there and ladies that have been in yiur situation it definitely helped me get myself stronger and back in control of my life x

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I dont have advice for you but I just want to tell you to please stay strong, dont let him ruin your life any further by starting to drink again. You are strong, you can do this.xx

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What @Dolse71 says.
I feel for you. I really do. But you are letting him get the upper hand by drinking. You are not being the better person that you can be if you stopped drinking, got yourself together and say to yourself
Fuck Him!!
Get off Facebook, it’s full off crap. How old are your children? If they are older tell them. Don’t turn them against their dad, but do tell them some amount of truth.

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Also if I may add, all his bad behavior shows what HE’S made of… Show him what you’re made of! You can truly do this sweetie. :heart::bouquet::muscle:
Show him not to mess with mama bear!:blush:

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I’m sorry you are struggling with all of this right now. Drinking will not helping in any way. Drinking my anxiety worse.
When I first quit drinking I got off of all social media. It was such a relief I never went back. Way to much drama.

You stayed sober four months before. What is one more day?
Just keep building on those days. Show your kids what a great mom you are and try not to feed into his drama.

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My ex through me out and moved in her boyfriend couple weeks later i stopped drinking ,she got the house and everything else i got sober lol

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Has he ever abused the kids? There are people and places out there to relocate ya"'ll in discretion where he can’t find you. Don’t drink over him it’s not worth him and you have your children to live for. As for Facebook block him or change your identity on there and let your friends and family know what is going on. Please stay safe.

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He has attacked me in front of the kids in the past and this last separation we had he broke a table in half when they were there because he was mad at me… but the attorney I have basically said none of that would hold much weight at this point because I started letting him have the kids more again. He seemed like he was improving some, but he always cleans up his act when he thinks he might have to be in a courtroom. He skipped out on picking them up a couple weekends ago so he could go party out of town with some new girl he’s seeing. He moved a girl in with him soon after we separated, and according to my little girl it sounds like this new one may be staying with him now. I’m sure that wouldn’t show much stability to a judge if we had to go in front of one, but he has been trying to use everything he can against me… my property I bought before we got married that he is apparently entitled to part of because of crazy TN property laws… my money because I make more than him… parenting time with the kids because he thinks he should get 50/50 (really just so he doesn’t have to pay child support and/or so that I have to pay him something). He is a seriously sick man. I have been hating myself so much lately because I spent so much time protecting him, and he just turns around and tries to screw me over in the end. So much regret. If I had really left him in 2015 and pressed charges against him like the district attorney was trying for, I wouldn’t be in this situation at all. But he manipulated me back then into getting back together with him and dropping the charges so he could “become a teacher” which he is now… and it makes me so sick when he threatens me like he does then I see his 3,000 Facebook followers feeding into his woe is me posts. None of those people know the real him like I do. He is a straight up sociopath. He manipulated me in this situation too so he could have more access to the kids to use that against me as well. Because me allowing him more access means I “didn’t fear him being around them.” Which is not true. He just kept pushing me and harassing me for more time and said he was doing XYZ like he was supposed to do. He went to a therapist, got on meds, blah blah. It’s all a mess. I just feel helpless in what to do about it anymore.

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What’s done is done, the past is the past. Focusing on everything he’s ever done wrong will not fix anything and won’t make you feel better-- it drains your energy and attention. Try to focus on what you can change now: what you can do to make your life better. If you don’t like your lawyer get a new one. You were mad at yourself for enabling your ex-- don’t enable the other negative influence in your life: alcohol. Onwards and upwards. Look forward, not back. What can you do to make your situation better?

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@Alliecat is replying and she is good.
All I’m going to say is stop worrying about him. Work on you and your relationship with your children.
What’s gone and happened is none returnable.
Resenting this is not going to help.
And as I’ve said. Forget about Faceache. It ain’t real.

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Look, this shit has to stop now. Right now is the moment when you take charge and turn thing around. Drinking? Nope, not anymore! Enabling? Nope, not anymore! Anger? Use that! Determination? You new middle name! You don’t take shit from anyone or anything anymore!

As @Alliecat said above, let go of the past. There are things there you can use to win this battle, but you are not that person anymore. Go through your house, dump every drop of booze, move the furniture around, clean from top to bottom. Make your space fit the new you. Because the new you is a warrior, a mother, a recovering alcoholic. And let me tell you something, a recovering alcoholic or addict is a force to be reckoned with! We have tools that other people don’t even know exists. We have true and real support.

Go get it woman!

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I am so sorry you are going through this.
Drinking will only give him more power in this situation so you really just can’t drink anymore.
It sounds to me like you need a new attorney and I think you would benefit a ton by seeking help from a domestic violence advocacy group. They can provide you with legal help and emotional support, and also help your children who it seems have also been impacted.
A good attorney can put orders in place that will prohibit your ex from disparaging you to your kids, on facebook and anywhere else. They can also set limits on who and when your kids are exposed to a new girlfriend.
The thing is, if you actively drinking you will lose leverage in the courts but also like you said you won’t have the energy or mental clarity to advocate for yourself. It’s important to get over the past but you also need to set yourself up for success in the future. I read your in TN here is a group I found. I hope they can give you some support. Hugs!!!

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Thanks for all of the advice and support everyone. I’ve really been in a depressing state about it. But you’re all right. Drinking doesn’t help, nor does dwelling on the past. It’s just hard because the fight is still going on and he is making things as difficult as possible to try to screw me further. Still trying to manipulate and control me. I can’t let him do that anymore though. I have a lot of blessings to be thankful for. And I can’t change who he is. I enabled him and protected him. That was my fault. Rather than him being grateful I didn’t take the other route, he still tries to find ways to disparage and get to me. I may end up filing a restraining order. I don’t know.

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As lots have said, looking back you only see a shadow. Look forward into the bright sunshine.
Carrying all that anger and hurt is heavy.
Look at all you have achieved this far.
Quiting drinking
Getting healthy
Leaving a toxic relationship
These are just a few things I see. I’m sure there are more.
You can do this.
Dont feed onto his crazy.
Please reach out to the domestic violence services for help.

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@determinedworkingmom Heidi please pm me if you need someone to listen. I am here. I know how it feels dealing with crazy. I understand and feel you. Don’t for a second thing you are doing this alone because you aren’t. We have your back but you gotta keep the bottle down for yourself. I know how big emotions can cause insurmountable pain. I feel you on all levels. If you need someone to char with immediately I am 100% here. Tight hugs should you want them.

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Ok so, I understand 100%. Getting sober may not solve all of your problems with your narcissistic ex husband, but it will help tremendously. Get sober, stay sober and see how your life changes.

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