Survivors of childhood sexual abuse (that led to alcohol addiction) thread

Hello everyone. Day 4 today, again, been spending a lot of time in therapy so have been a bit quiet here, sorry I have been a bit invisible here. I have been going to a group here in Manchester called Survivors which is for men who have experienced some kind of sexual abuse or rape. It’s been brilliant to sit together regularly with a group of individuals from the same trauma tribe and feel part of a, well, a tribe I guess. A week ago my wife booked us a surprise holiday to Venice to attend the biennale, we are both serious contemporary art junkies. Our 2 yr old would normally stay with my in-laws but they are away at that time, instead, she asked my parents to take him for a few days. My response to that was NO! HELL-TO-THE-NO! I have been avoiding leaving our son with my parents well so far but this was the first time I had to own up and say no. In saying no I realised that I have never explained to my wife why our son would never spend a night alone with my parents, I tore that plaster off and for the first time ever used the word ‘rape’ and ‘grooming’ with regards my own experience. I have been lying to myself for years to try and giftwap and soften the abuse to make it bearable. Since actually articulating what went on to her I have been having brutal flashbacks to the abuse, like physical spasms, and they are hard to get through, for the first time I am experiencing these flashbacks sober. I started drinking hard as a child and that is why.

So, the question I have is, is do any of you lovely people have any tricks, tips, books or techniques for getting through abuse flashbacks sober. I am working hard to arm myself so as to protect my wife and son from these great big energy dumps, bursts of rage and mood swings. Sorry, this isn’t a simple (or upbeat) question but you never know until you ask eh? With love. XX Jon

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Sorry to hear about your sad story. I’m not in the same shoes but I do know that EMDR can help with old trauma! Maybe you can Google on that.

Take care Jonathan :heart:

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Hey Jon
I really feel for you as I’m walking in the same shoes.
Best thing that helped me is meditation, learning to switch the mind to the moment.
May I say I’m the same with my two girls! I find it hard to trust anybody with them.
Art helped me and so did my photography, its okay to have these flashbacks and feelings that come with it, I feel physically sick with mine, but switch back to the now, easier said than done though.
Best wishes always x

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Hi there @Fargesia_murielae. Thanks to you and @SoberWalker for reaching out.
I have confronted my parents on the abuse but they were unable to recognise it in any meaningful way, my mother took an overdose soon after and my father pretended nothing had happened. They have this toxic catholic programming that makes them ignore trauma or absorb so it becomes a blanket of guilt that they incapacitate themselves with. The truth is they were complicit in the abuse and actively encouraged it. They were also groomed and they gave me a very hard time at the age of 13 when i got myself a girl friend at school who was my own age. They saw this as me having an affair behind the back of their 40 year old friend ian, they were worried about me no longer having sex with him and what that would do to their friendship. They are so niave and blinkered. I have have made a statement to the police about it and pursuing the abuse legally is something that would demolish the family. Its complex and messy but I am working on developing the skills needed to weather that storm before I cause it.

I will certainly check out the EMDR thing! A friend also told me about that.

Hugs to yawl.
X

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Hello there @Bee3. Its lovely to meet you and i am so sorry that this narrative is also part of your story. I am beaming high fives and best wishes to you and your family.

Thanks so much Jon,
You too my friend, if you find yourself struggling I’m here for you.
As to all of you.
B x

Hi there
I dont know if you are a podcast’y kind of person but this interview with the write Eve Ensler really helped me as she discusses her reasons behind writing her new book The Apology, in it she writes a letter of apology to her from her dead father where she goes into his psychology to try and understand what fuelled his abuse of her as a small child. Eve Ensler is an amazing writer and artist and a great spokesperson on feminism. The interview is quite hard to listen to in places but is so full of hope and creativity; I find her so inspiring.

If you do listen to it skip past the first ten mins where the host craps on about other stuff.

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Thank you so much! I will have a good watch!
Appreciate it.
B x

Jonathan, I am so happy to see you back. I am also so sorry to hear about your experiences and struggles. I am going to be another one advocating for EMDR and specialist therapy. Trauma-based CBT is another one that is highly recommended. For me, finding a therapist that specialises in trauma and substance abuse has been key. Flashbacks and trauma reactions are what pushed me into sobriety - it became a necessity. Once I found myself experiencing those trauma reactions daily, I stopped being able to function and worked hard to find a therapist right away because the feelings were so unbearable.

I found NHS mental health services to be really lacking - the waiting times and services were not good. I would suggest researching someone private and get yourself going with it. There is no better financial investment than one’s mental health. And just general talk therapy didn’t do it for me - EMDR was really the thing that broke through a lot of my old shit and dealt with the physiological trauma reactions.

Otherwise, in the meantime, meditation and breathing exercises helped me in the moment. Another thing is the book “The Body Keeps the Score”. It was HARD to read, but also helped me understand why my body and neuro chemistry was doing what it was doing. Also, anything to make me feel cozy and safe was important - comfy clothes, comfort food and a weighted blanket.

PS - I’m happy to hear that Rowena sounds like she is doing well!

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Friends - I saw this thread/post and was drawn here - I saw it when it was first posted and didn’t have an immediate reaction. I’ve been working with my AA sponsor on my 4th step and our discussions reminded me of trauma that I experienced in my early teens that fall along the same lines… something I was planning to take to my grave. I too was abused as an early teen by my friend’s mother’s boyfriend…(I think that was his status at the time). I was confused and scared and he kept telling me that it was normal. I knew something was not right. Thankfully, we moved from those apartments a few months later and he never bothered me again. Unfortunately, I think ‘he has been bothering me’ subconsciously ever since. I started drinking actually during that period and enjoyed the release and numbing. Maybe that was part of his method. I was 13 or 14 and we got to hang out with this ‘cool’ older guy who let us smoke and drink and feel grown-up.
I have been so angry ever since.
As this happened so long ago and he was much older at the time, I doubt that he is even still alive. If he is, I don’t know how to find him and really don’t want to. In my mind, I’d strangle him, but I know I don’t have that in me. I’m just SO angry.
Anyway, in my 4th/5th step work, I feel that discussing this, and bringing it out in the open, will help me with my resentments and help me heal.
I never thought I’d ever have to tell another living soul, but I want to try anything to get healed and sober.

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In the end, I guess its just me to figure it out, because everyone has their own stuff

I just want to second @aircircle’s recommendation “The Body Keeps the Score” (by Bessel van der Kolk) for the same reasons she mentioned. My therapist recommended it to me and I’ve gained very useful insight from it.

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It’s not just your stuff Charlie. Sharing with the right folks helps. Might be peers, might be professionals, might be both. You need to find a way to let go of your anger. Talking about it helps me. Being sober helps me too. I’ve been abused by a sibling and by a teacher in elementary school and have been very angry at them both for decades. Not sure I can ever forgive them (although that would be best) but my anger is subsiding. It’s done. My life has been shaped in part by what has happened but nothing is going to change that. We need to move forward. We need to live.
I don’t even have flashbacks myself. Sometimes I have dreams. So I have no idea EMDR would help me.

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I was sexually abused from the age of 9 up until about 15,it has damaged me horrifically and is 100% the reason I hit the drugs so hard and why I’ve had an addiction for nearly 20 years…can someone please explain what EMDR is please? I know I need to confront my past and finally deal with it in order to achieve continuing sobriety and to also deal with the issues it causes me in my relationship with my partner

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Thankyou @anon51407452 I’ve seen so many different mental health professionals over the years and I’ve never felt able to talk to any of them about it,some even made me feel that it wasnt necessary to do so. So maybe a specialist is what I need. I’m definitely going to do some research into EMDR :slightly_smiling_face:

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That was an incredible share and an incredible discovery, @Charlie_C

I’ve recently mentally unblocked my childhood sexual assult, after a long period of time in therapy.
It was buried within the family that got me out of the situation. When I confronted my paternal family, it was confirmed that my memories weren’t just part of the stupid lucid dreams of coming off drugs and getting sober.
My abuse perpetrators were from my maternal side and the men she provided me and my siblings to, promptly after our father’s passing.
I don’t know if I’ve ever really felt safe in any relationship (fight/flight/fawn), and from the dv I was exposed to as a child, I’ve only ever picked poor relationships, and now, I don’t know if I have the capacity of loving anyone, and I know it’s affecting my children, from the detachment disorder.
It’s to the point that I won’t even satisfy myself, and I struggle to tolerate physical touch.

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Hello Ebony,
thank you for sharing. It’s a brave thing to open up about something so intimate and tragic. I have a history of being sexually abused, not by my family tho. I became a sex and porn addict, now in recovery from those.

You are not alone. Your trauma is prolly deep, but not impossible to overcome. You are in good company here. Keep reading and sharing, as little or much as you feel comfortable.

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For reference purposes, it started when I was 4yrs old and didn’t ever understand the hatred I had for my birth mother when I left home at 12yrs.
I spent time as a street kid til 15yrs when I had a friend take me in.
Typically orphaned my entire life and never really understood why I was the quiet child in the corner.
It’s not fair that people you should be able to trust, are the ones creating normalised trauma.

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No, it’s not fair at all.

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