Hello. This is my first post here. I’ll try to keep it short. I don’t know if I will.
I went to detox last May. At the time I lived in the Great Lakes area where I spent my whole life, had a job I was burned out on, and was totally dependent on alcohol. With no options left, I went to detox and spent 5 days, was diagnosed with pancreatitis, and after that cleared I went back to work. I lasted one weekend and couldn’t stand it anymore so I quit. I called a friend and moved to Southern Nevada. Yes I know you’re not supposed to make big decisions like that when you first get sober, but I’m so much smarter than everyone else lol.
I managed to stay sober for about 5 months. Then began the slips, and relapse.
Current situation is I don’t drink everyday like I used to, but that is a struggle. I usually string from several days to two weeks sober, but then I drink again, usually for a couple of days. I snap out of that and the cycle repeats.
My friend, whom I live with, is sober and is really trying to help. This is the worst part of all of this, because I’ve been hiding my drinking. She’s helped me out financially and everything for the last year. Let’s me live at her place for free. Literally the only thing that would get me kicked out is drinking, and I still can’t cut it out. I am being an awful liar, and I feel like shit about it. It is so wrong what I’m doing.
I tried going to AA for a few months, and while I did meet some wonderful people, I hated it. I’m not trashing it, I’m glad that a lot of people are helped by it, but it’s not for me.
I am just recently getting over another round of COVID, and I’m supposed to be back to work on Monday. The job sucks but it’s a job, and part of me wants to go back just to get out of the house. I have an opportunity to drive Uber, but I haven’t managed to do that over the last few days. I tell myself I’m still tired from COVID (I’m not contagious anymore) but the reality is I’m scared. It’s hard to even leave the house.
So I sit in this house, 2k miles from home. My finances are screwed. It’s been a year and I have no friends here (other than my roommate/benefactor), because I have no idea how to make friends sober. I never developed the tools. I try to imagine a future but I seriously can’t. I’ve stopped doing what hobbies I had. I just can’t find a way out of this mess. I tell myself that I’ll get up and drive Uber tomorrow and make some desperately needed money, but I’m afraid I’ll just sit here again waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s insane.
Sorry this took a turn to be depressing. I’m embarrassed about such a woe as me tale. I’m not even sure why I’m posting this, it just feels like it’s doing something instead of absolutely nothing.
If you are still reading, thanks, you made it to the end of my driveway.
Hey @SeesawDan, happy that you are here. Welcome. Phew. Take a breath. What a story. And what a hard place to be in right now. I feel for you. The stuckness and the dread really come through.
You’re being a bad friend there. I hope she can forgive you when you come clean. You’re an addict and addicts are narcisstic and manipulative in active addiction, so hopefully she’ll come to terms with that.
The most important thing I see that you have to do is get sober. There’s more than AA out there, there’s recovery dharma and smart and lots of other things, I can’t name them all. I’m attaching some links and resources. The important thing is to get started today. One day at a time. Get this show on the road. Resources for our recovery
You sound pretty frightened and depressed. I know both. What helps me is to not look too far ahead. I ask myself: what can I do today? Then I pick two or three things and I stick to them. Tomorrow I do the same.
If you’re ready today, recovered from COVID, sober, do an uber drive, just one. If that day is tomorrow, so it is, then do it tomorrow.
Make a commitment to yourself. Do not drink today. Then repeat tomorrow.
Welcome to the community
Maybe your friend already knows and is waiting for you to come clean and accept proper help?
I dont know, but if I was sober and living with someone who was drinking descretly I’d know still. We think we are hiding it, when really the people closest to us know without us saying anything.
I think its great your here, this is a really supportive community, and for me being here has kept me sober, being truthfull with myself has kept me sober, your in a great place here so it’s good you found us.
Check out the links above, you seem to really want to get through this difficult time and you can, I know this because I have been there too.
Keep reaching out and posting.
Nice to have you with us
Your not alone, we are all on this journey together with you.
So is today your Day 1 ?
Thank you for your kind replies. Sorry the whole thing was so self pitying. Believe it or not I actually wrote that sober lol.
I’m trying to focus on today. It’s rough. I’m doing that idiot thing where my body is saying it’s ok to drink a little bit just to calm down, and I’m screaming iny brain what a lie that is. I’ve never had one drink in my life. Except Church, they only let you have 1 sip there.
I know a bunch of self pitying and hand wringing isn’t going to help, but I do know that what I’ve been doing has never worked.
I really am trying to focus on the present. Oh and setting an alarm for work tomorrow morning. I might just not leave the house the rest of the day. I’m afraid if I leave, I’ll buy alcohol somewhere.
Hey man. I don’t know you. You sound like an intelligent guy with a big heart. Personally, I got tired of disappointing myself. I knew that there was a better version of me hiding somewhere. Somehow I stopped believing. Alcohol made me anxious about the future, to calm the anxiety and dull my senses, I drank. And the cycle started.
You are better than your past mistakes. Forgive yourself and take each minute 60 seconds at a time. Slowly the rest will start to fall in place. I’m rooting for you. Thanks for helping me getting to understand myself a little better.
Several folks on Talking Sober have gotten started with (another) trip to rehab followed by sober housing for some months.
I tried going to AA for a few months…it’s not for me.
I went to AA off and on for years. I found their suggestion that I completely abstain to be too radical for me. But when the time came and I wanted to be sober more than anything else, I went back to those people because they had a plan that worked and they were happy.
Welcome here Dan. Glad to have you aboard. You go and look and find something that works for you. IMHO we need to work our sobriety (and consequent recoveries) in whatever way that works for us. We need knowledge. Knowledge of addiction, knowledge of alcohol, of how to abstain from it, on how to recover our lives from addiction.
From this knowledge we can build the right mindset to be and remain sober. And start dealing with the stuff that made us drink in the first place. Personally I have been in therapy for two years now and not done yet, courtesy of being sober or nothing would have come of it.
We also need (I am convinced) our sober peers, other folks who’ve been through the same and know the deal. Can’t do it alone. I found my sober tribe right here on this forum, but I know for many this isn’t enough and they find there sober tribe in gatherings like AA, SMART, Dharma Recovery or other settings and organisations. We need each other. I’m glad you’re here and thanks for sharing Dan. That’s what we’re here for.
Welcome. I can understand how lying to your friend is tearing you up. You say she is sober, did she have a drinking problem before? Because you may be surprised at the depth of her understanding. WE know how alcohol makes us lie and cheat, and we can firgive. I second the suggestion of trying a different program, such as SMART or Dharma or even different AA groups, there is a definite different atmosphere and focus in different home groups.
