Hey @SeesawDan, happy that you are here. Welcome. Phew. Take a breath. What a story. And what a hard place to be in right now. I feel for you. The stuckness and the dread really come through.
You’re being a bad friend there. I hope she can forgive you when you come clean. You’re an addict and addicts are narcisstic and manipulative in active addiction, so hopefully she’ll come to terms with that.
The most important thing I see that you have to do is get sober. There’s more than AA out there, there’s recovery dharma and smart and lots of other things, I can’t name them all. I’m attaching some links and resources. The important thing is to get started today. One day at a time. Get this show on the road.
Resources for our recovery
Advice for the Newcomer and Constant Relapser
You sound pretty frightened and depressed. I know both. What helps me is to not look too far ahead. I ask myself: what can I do today? Then I pick two or three things and I stick to them. Tomorrow I do the same.
If you’re ready today, recovered from COVID, sober, do an uber drive, just one. If that day is tomorrow, so it is, then do it tomorrow.
Make a commitment to yourself. Do not drink today. Then repeat tomorrow.