The Alcohol Conundrum

Knowledge
1

I’ve been trying to quit alcohol for 2 years. My longest stretch is 4 months. This is my second longest, 43 days so far.

Each relapse has been painful and confusing and punishing. I’ve lost thousands in bar tabs and lost or broken stuff. Lost my phone, ID, credit card, the respect of my apartment’s desk staff…

Not a daily drinker but when I start I don’t stop.

My theory is that my variety of “alcoholic” is someone with a strong dopamine reward system and easily permeated blood brain barrier.

I was a binge eater in high school into college. Didn’t start partying until late. My dad was an alcoholic and I was afraid. I was always the guy wanting to stay up, have another, close out the bar.

I’ve dealt with panic disorder and depression, and I’ve noticed meds take effect very quickly. Also, my dose of THC edible has to be under 10mg (which is considered a starter dose). Also a big coffee drinker.

I think that’s what the addictive “personality” really is. Genetics driving your reaction to these stimuli. On Wellbutrin my cravings diminished some. It’s an NDRI (affects dopamine). I never drank to fight sadness, maybe just boredom. It just sounds like “a good idea” at the time.

My brain loves the dopamine hit. And what makes alcohol worse is that it turns off your executive functioning. You can’t logically decide to stop. And despite the sickness and punishment you keep coming back. That’s insanity, if it were truly based on reasoning. It’s not, at all. Your brain wants the hit.

Even anticipation of it gets you going. It becomes front of mind. This is a survival instinct. Also, your brain doesn’t associate the hangover with alcohol due to the delay. In fact, it appears to help.

It causes us to feel artificial connection. Deep human feelings but completely inappropriate. It turns off the natural inner critic, for better or worse. Mostly worse. The stuff is everywhere. And associated with celebration.

The next time a drink “sounds good,” figure out what about it sounds good. The next time you think you deserve it, ask yourself why you deserve the misery that accompanies. Your reptilian brain is being played like a fiddle and your human brain is trying to make sense of it.

Recognizing this dissonance is an important milestone. I don’t believe alcoholism is a disease. It’s a working survival instinct, perhaps too good. There is no “powerless” over alcohol. We give it power. Every time a drink sounds good to you, something is very wrong, or at best doesn’t hold to logic.

So don’t feel broken or inadequate. Everyone has this to some degree. Some more than others. Dopamine is what hooks us to games and social media. It’s a survival system not meant for today’s overstimulation.

Let’s find serotonin. Recovery works in groups because social experiences give serotonin. It’s the pleasant, content feeling. If we shift focus to these moments and not look for that hedonistic fix masquerading as a legitimate desire, maybe it’s just my ignorance talking, but I think that’s what recovery is, to put it simply.

24 Likes
2

This is an interesting perspective. A lot of what you wrote I have gone through too. In my 20’s I closed the bars just because. A “beer and a shot” turned into pitcher after pitcher until the bar closed. This lasted until my early 30s when I graduated from a binge drinker to a daily drinker.

Now, I’m not one to refute peoples point of view, because it’s subjective, to a point, but… I do take issue with this:

You said are struggling to be sober for 2 years; If that is not being powerless to alcohol, then I don’t know what is. Something to think about.

Anyway, wish you the best and congrats on 43 days.

15 Likes
4

On the chemical science it’s all spot on.

Somehow as a scientist, understanding these things did little in overcoming my own desire to drink, or anything else for that matter. Knowing what would happen when the booze hit my veins wasn’t enough to keep my hand from putting the glass to my lips. Perhaps my will isn’t enough though, as I’ve seen that knowledge be enough for others.

Certainly the social element of many programs stimulates a similar, low-level chemical boost. For me it also stimulated new behaviors. And even where newfound peace has its chemical roots, now it comes freely from within instead of flooding me at great cost from the liquor store on the corner.

May not be for all, but I’m feeling tip-top today.

14 Likes
5

I own it, yes. Great book.

2 Likes
6

I agree with a lot of what youve said. In particular, it really resonates with me when you say meds work quickly and about an easily permiable blood brain barrier.

Im always feeling pissed after two pints but then go on to drink another 15 or so! Ive always thought it was because my brain just dumps dopamine at the slightest hint of alcohol, so Im not really drunk after a little bit of booze but my mind is swimming in happy hormones and I cant tell the difference.

The idea of alcohol not being a disease is problematic for me though, if only for semantic reasons.

Much of the world celebrates highly addictive alcohol and encourages people to abuse it, but the moment people become problematic with it, the world turns its back on them. Alcoholics are generally seen as some of the lowest rungs of society. By thinking of alcoholism as a disease, it encourages more constructive treatment of alcoholics, rather than shunning them.

5 Likes
7

It’s taken 2 years to recognize most of this. I’ve spent a lot of time confused and regretful, a hyper rational mind doing something completely irrational.

1 Like
8

After about 1/3 bottle of wine my brain goes into overdrive. Alcohol makes me sort of hyper and reckless. I start off slow enough but at the tipping point, the rate of drinking increases dramatically unless there’s something stopping me. Like social cues.

4 Likes
9

By ‘them’ I of course mean ‘me’! :joy:

1 Like
10

Aye same. Just typing my comment I got to thinking because if i know i can only have a few drinks, i dont really enjoy them. I just get annoyed because i know I’ll feel half fulfilled.

2 Likes
11

Your struggling to get to 43 days.
Yet you don’t seem to think that the word control is relavant here.
I spent 2 years from the time that I opened up to my wife that I was an alcoholic, to the point 6 months ago when I finally admitted it to myself, I was not in control!
I will never have control of alcohol, so I no longer drink it. Period!
But to be able to move forward with this action I had to change things inside me as I had become conditioned throughout my life that alcohol is ok. So this involves a bit of spiritual growth because things come to the surface that were being hidden by drinking.
You can spout all the scientific jargon you like about chemical this and that, I’m no scientist!
It means nothing to me, what has worked for me is the final realisation that I am not in control. I am not unique.
I am an alcoholic!

15 Likes
12

I really needed to read this… I am in the exact same boat. I had 3 months sober and ive been drinking the last couple weeks. Currently its 4am, hungover, sitting outside with a hangover… I regret it, yet i go back to it… i am starting again at day 1

1 Like
13

I don’t know. I’ve always known drinking isn’t good for me. Just like I know eating handfuls of candy isn’t good for me. I did these things anyway. Understanding the science is interesting but it’s not what got me sober.

I had to change my behavior and my mindset. I had to stop putting myself in places where I used to drink. I had to understand that one drink for me, is one too many. I had to deal with the reality that I cannot drink any alcohol, period. And once I understood that, I had to take myself out of my old habitats and courses of prior destruction: I left the workplace before the drinking crew came by looking for company. I declined big social functions in bars early on. I took myself out of my old social circles for approximately six months when I first quit because I know myself and would have slid right back into the easy comforts of old habits. I began creating new habits and patterns for what to do on friday and saturday nights and on vacations. Reprograming how I relax, celebrate and how I deal with stress and disappointment. I had to create new habits that were healthy, sustainable and enjoyable. It took time. It took discipline. It took a lot of introspection. It took faith that things would get better and easier. And after time and effort and discipline and new healthier habits, they did.

14 Likes
14

I think your “variety” of alcoholic can apply to us all, we are all the same when it comes to alcohol here.
I, like you have a logical brain, I like to know what’s happening when something occurs, I like to know why I enjoyed drinking alcohol so much. Knowing the science resonates with me and is part of what helps keep me sober, but it is only part of it.
I needed a lot more than that, I needed to admit that yes I had “given alcohol power” by drinking it and that yes I had lost control over it in doing so.
I took any help I could, my Gp,medication, counselling, alcohol services, accountability, joining TS, I was willing to entertain any suggestions that other recovering alcoholics were proving worked.
I think if you’re science minded knowing the facts is great, it helps me but is definitely only part of the story

8 Likes
15

I identify as a binge-drinking alcoholic scientist-at-heart. I accept my powerlessness over addictive substances due to my addiction and practice abstinence-based recovery through the 12 steps. I have regained complete control (Power) over my actions today! I still have cravings, but if I pick up another drink, it will be because I chose to. My emotions due not rule my life and my addiction no longer has power over my ability to choose to act according to my own values. That is the POWER over my Self that 2 and a half years of sobriety, and surrendering to my powerlessness over my cravings and what happens when addictive substances enter my body, has given me. :slight_smile:

4 Likes
16

Above my head i went to meetings got sober ?

“I don’t believe alcoholism is a disease”.i think it is

Association of Social Workers, and the American College of Physicians classify “alcoholism” as a disease.

1 Like
17

Everything you said is all well and good. AA is not an option, seeing you called it a cult. And that is ok, many different paths to get sober. My question is this: what are you going to do, what is your program, your method to get sober?

6 Likes
20

Although I agree with the point, using mdma/ecstasy releases serotonin a lot

21

Preach! Amen amen amen

4 Likes
22

I was in a similar position to you once, except that by the time I’d been trying to stop drinking for 2 years, I’d been a daily heavy drinker for about 10 years and my journey with addiction began with other substances before that. I managed to maintain a career through most of this time, I worked in the medical science industry for 14 years before working became unsustainable.

The variety of alcoholic you describe is essentially the medical disease model of addiction. It’s the ‘variety’ that science shows us all addicts share, which is perhaps why we often have very relatable experiences. A part which people often miss is the suffering an addict experiences in abstinence absent of treatment.

My longest period of sobriety after 4 years of trying was 8 months, I was suffering from severe anhedonia, depression and panic attacks in this period and my relapse after it almost killed me, it started with me cutting myself just to feel something before I even gave up and had a drink.
It took me 5 years of trying to finally decide to give AA/NA a go, I was that stubborn, that stupid to let one word put me off for so long. I jumped in with a 3 month twelve step and CBT based rehab.
This was the single greatest decision of my life. Game changer.
650 days later, I’m not as active in AA as I should be, but there are certain philosophies I’ve adopted that have been instrumental in making my life what it is today.
Science begins with what, rather than why or how. AA, meditation, CBT, these are all useful tools that have been proven to work over a significant period of time, science is only recently beginning to make sense of how they work.

3 Likes
23

SMART uses a more “science” based approach. Worth a shot for someone who doesn’t want to do AA.

Obvi I wasn’t suggesting that directly to you. I re-read my comment and saw that it could be construed that way. I know your recovery is solid in the program of your choosing. I was just suggesting to all who were reading.

3 Likes