The Dragons lair
Dare you enter the dark cave where the dragon is sleeping? Dare you wake the beast within? The deeper you go into the heart of the lair the darker it becomes, do you get curious and go ahead anyway?
Here is a cautionary tale of how bottling the emotions lead to a downward spiral into the depth of the dragons lair where it will toast you and eat you alive, throughout my life bad things have happened to me, I had two saying which got me by in life well enough until now. “I refuse to be a victim “ and “the world doesn’t stop turning because something has happened, so I can’t stop either “
This is the personal blog of how the RedDragon came to be.
I know the series of events that led me into binge drinking I just didn’t see it coming until I got beyond a point of no return (almost) I’m quite good at self analysis but putting drinking behind me is definitely harder than starting drinking.
When I was younger I witnessed a lot of domestic abuse and alcoholism at home my dad was a scary person drunk and many times I had to call the police while my sisters stood in between the fights, this went on into my early teens when my dad finally got sober and still is, but the memories are still etched into my brain even though I forgive him.
When I was 15 my ex came over to see me and I was on my own at home, he tried to rape me but thankfully my sister phoned and knew I wasn’t OK, she came home with friends and got him out of the house.
A few months later my older sister was pregnant with twin boys and she unfortunately went into labour early and had still born births on both babies and attending the funeral after being sent to school in the morning leaves a profound effect on you at 15, my sister was only 18 when this happened to her on her first pregnancy.
A few months later we moved and one evening while going to the shop for my mum a guy had dragged me down a lane, I managed to convince him to let me take the shopping home and I would come back, I phoned the police and that guy went to jail, I was still, 15 at the time.
When I was 17 I met my friends brother and when I was 18 we started dating, after moving in together within three weeks the beatings started, there were numerous times that I was left black and blue with brusing to my face, he cheated on me, stabbed my dog and never worked while I was working two jobs . I eventually got out of that relationship and was saved by a guy who was a friend. During my abusive relationship my ex wanted kids and even though I didn’t I did want to know why I hadn’t caught pregnant, I was 19 when I found out that I had polysistic ovaries (chances of having kids was slim)
My next relationship was with a guy who from the start adored me, he protected me, he doted on me, took me out, bought me lots of nice things, gave me confidence and showed me how a better life was, he had a son from a previous relationship so said that he didn’t want kids just yet and I accepted that, we worked together and he then became a manager, we had wild parties and he also introduced me to drugs. We were together two years and all of a sudden out of the blue he said it was over, I didn’t see it coming, after we split I found out he had been cheating on me even with a girl we worked with called Carla I had a breakdown and hit the drugs hard, the drug of choice being speed although I did try ecstasy, cocain and herbal uppers. I ended up in hospital a few times but that never stopped me, I lost stupid a amount of weight. We ended up hooking up a few times and sleeping together, going on dates and he moved me into his place for a bit only to find out that he and a friend made a bet on a girl to see who could sleep with her first, needless to say my ex slept with her, that girl ended up pregnant and that was that we were done.
I stayed single for a long time and kept hitting the speed, I went down to a UK size 8, USA size 6, during the time I was single I had a string of one night stands and unfortunately my ex sister in laws boyfriend thought I was prime target and raped me, nobody wanted to believe me on that side, going through the examination and statements was horrific. The guy was picked up and needles to say he told them it was consensual but it wasn’t. The police told me that I was in no fit state to stand trial, I found out after the guy was picked up he was linked to a robbery and he went to jail for it, when I found that out I ran, I moved from where I was living so I couldn’t be found.
After a period of time being single and putting my life back together although still taking speed I bumped into an old friend that I had been through army cadets with since the age of 13yrs old, he was a familiar person so felt comfortable with him, we took things slow and kept the relationship to ourselves for a while and he ended up moving in for a bit till he got his own place, we were together for 5yrs but we didn’t seem to be going anywhere. Probably because I was constantly on speed and he dealt weed my habit had become daily and my dealer was my ex’s cousin so was getting it on the cheep. My ex didn’t want to commit, he didn’t want a place together, he didn’t want to get married or engaged and he didn’t want kids, we were on and off and in the end I’d had enough, I wanted more. I was 28 and started feeling like I wanted more.
Soon after my break up I met my husband and my habit of speed just stopped completely, I really liked him and he looked after me well, we wanted the same things and I eventually moved from Wales to England to be with him and things were really great, I got a job in England, I got pregnant with our first child with a bit of help from the hospital, we got married, paying for it ourselves and we would go on holiday abroad, we moved a few times as money was no object. We decided to have another baby and soon after that everything seemed to come crashing down.
So where did it start?
I was 36 weeks pregnant on my second child, completely sober I might add, and got the news my nan, who was 86, the matriarch of our family, was diagnosed with lung cancer, then within days of her diagnosis my dad got rushed to hospital with multiple strokes, my dad came out ok, then 3 days before my due date for my baby my nan passed away, that day she passed I was due to go visit to say my last goodbye but it was never to be. I pleaded with my midwife to bring my baby here early but my request was denied, he was born 2 days before her funeral and I went despite just giving birth, when my baby boy was 8 weeks old he got seriously ill, we were back and forth the hospital, and after 5weeks we finally got a diagnosis that his lungs had not been strong enough, I cried many times holding my little newborn thinking the I would loose him that night, he was also referred to a pediatrician because he was classed as clinically obese at 8wks old too, when my son was 6 mths old my husband left his job because he wasn’t being paid and found another one, we moved out of the countryside to the city and the day we moved he was made redundant.
A few months later my aunt and godmother (same person) died from breast cancer after a 5yr battle. I did manage to say my goodbye and held her hand, I had to ask if she was scared, don’t know what answer I was expecting but her answer came as yes, she fell asleep and I just sat and watched her, I was on holiday the day that call came through that she passed.
Other deaths that followed were tragically babies, first was my husbands cousin who had gone into labour early and the baby was still born, when we went to the hospital the baby was still in the room, first time I’d seen a dead baby before. Couple of months later my best friends waters broke at 21wks and they kept her going till 29wks and the baby came, he lived for 7hrs and sadly passed away, four months later another friend had a still born birth at 38wks. So many babies funerals in such a short space of time.
Going forward my husband and I were both out of work and after a while my husband retrained as a security gard but he was always working nights and sleeping in the day so apart from the financial support I was on my own. After 6 mths he quit so we both were out of work again. It was this way for 18mths, I think that I started drinking when meeting up with other mums and they would come over to my house in the evening to socialise. Me being fairly new to the city tried to fit in and I was lonely, plus everything with the personal grief I kept bottled up.
Things got worse over time, the amount I drank increased then the amount of times I would drink fluctuated, I started working a few hours a week with a nursery and when my husband walked out of a job my hours had to increase, I became bitter and resentful that I was missing out on the time with my kids and he was at home not looking for a job, the house wasn’t even tidy when I came home and that I had to do that too. My husbands health took a nasty turn he was losing blood when he had bowl movements and was in and out of hospital, to this day we never got a diagnosis, they ruled out cancer, celiac, inflamed splean, he was serverly anemic and came close to having a blood transfusion a few times, he also got admitted because of chest pains. He ended up completely irrational and depressed, me I drank and got on with it, still resentful for the situation we were in, constantly blaming him for the situation we were in. I would get drunk and be abusive towards him, physically trying to hurt him and drinking while I was alone with the kids. We’d argued about my drinking and I would say “I didn’t hurt anyone “ and that would be my reasoning to keep doing the drinking again. I’ve fallen over so many times giving myself black eyes and concussion numerous times but still I didn’t stop, I got removed from my home and put in a cell for breach of the peace, luckily I wasn’t charged, but that didn’t stop me drinking.
I truly thought that I didn’t have a problem, some months I could control it and then bam right back to binge drinking again, my marriage suffered greatly to the point I wanted a speration because I believed my husband was the problem and not me, we managed to salvage our marriage by doing counselling but the drinking remained the same,
I came to ST in April as I was trying to quit drinking, I thought I’d be able to do this by myself with the app, constantly falling and resetting. In July my body was well and truly in shock, I had started drinking after tea time but I wasn’t home alone, I bathed my children and they started playing up squirting shower gel up the walls, I clipped them around the head and when I went to do it again my younger son had moved and I caught him right in the eye, mortified as I’d never hurt my children before and the next morning I tried to commit suicide taking over 50 tablets, my body however would not quit on me, so now I’m hear I have to put it right, I phoned social care myself and reported what happened. It got taken to the police and I’m still awaiting the outcome of that and being monitored by social care. Needless to say I have to face the drinking issues there is no cheat in my situation and I can not fail So here I am 45 days sober.
Sad thing is with everything that happened in my life and not wanting to be a victim of my past I had locked it all away. Because I didn’t deal with it then I’m having to face it today. My mum always said I was a fighter and that she never had to worry about me because I could look after myself, that’s exactly how I portrayed myself and I would always be there for others even bailing them out financially, I never turned to anyone for help.
Really strange putting my past out there for anyone in the community to see as the only people who know my past are my parents, siblings and partners I’ve been with.
If I’m going to grow and heal I have to do this, thank you for reading this all the way through.
