Morning meeting done
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Michelle, your gratitude and all your hard work shines through. You are not taking this for granted. Itās a really beautiful thing to see. 
ļø
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Thank you, Iām driven to getting better, when I have the drive there is no stopping me, I go all in, just wished I had done it sooner
Iām sure with determination and taking the support offered Iāll make it. Donāt want to be stuck in my old life any more.
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So I have found out that both of my next door neighbours have sold their houses and canāt help but feel that this is because of me, why would they want to live next to someone who was an absolute nightmare when drunk. Even though Iāve been sober for two months itās too late to make a difference when the houses have already been put on the market some weeks ago.
I do talk to my neighbours and one I know is no longer working and he canāt afford to keep up with mortgage payments, the other I spoke to yesterday and has a promotion and better pay so decided to invest in a bigger house.
Even though I have an explanation off them which they didnāt need to give me, I still feel like I have pushed them away. I donāt know if Iām just over reacting and worried about who is going to live on both sides of me. I should be excited that whoever moves in will not know about my problem with alcohol and they will just see the sober me.
My one neighbour has been more like a brother and the other neighbour has a boy who is two weeks younger than my 6 year old, so had alot to talk about with the boys.
Trying to rationalise my thoughts right now
Thank you for being open and helping us learn about facing struggles, and inspiring us all. Iām also impressed at all the measures youāre taking on to get better and using EVERY tool out there.
Specific things: I have found mindfulness to be game changing (once I learned how to do it right), and CBT is amazing not only at addressing the moment but especially for permanently changing your thought patterns and resulting behaviours. It took me years personally to start getting it, but it can also start working right away.
Side note: youāve inspired me to make a topic to tell my storyā¦
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Itās good to track your whole journey and reflect back on, the CBT is helping to address my thought process and recognise what could possibly trigger me. Iāve gotten alot of clarity in my thinking in my two months sober and Iām sure that will only improve going forward
Congrats on ur road to sobriety! Has ur therapists ever worked with u in regards to ur past sexual abuse? U have had quite a few sexual violence dating back to a very young age. Have u ever been diagnosed with PTSD even regarding the death of loved ones you have lost in short periods of time? Most of us addicts begin using or continue to use bc it numbs a psychological discomfort. Our best chance of sobriety is to understand ourselves and WHY WE DO WHAT WE DO. Which is why they say taking suggestions is so very important. Also victims of sexual assault at a young age are prone to anger which could be why when u were drinking those few times you got physical with your husband when you were fighting. If thatās normally out of your character. You took a HUGE BRAVE step towards recovery in telling your painful story. This is a great coping skill as well. And sometimes writing our past experiences with lovers and our drug use can open our eyes to our accountability in the the whole situation. U sound completely dedicated and I hope you keep that motivation because recovery is worth it! We absolutely RECOVER!!
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I havenāt had a definitive diagnosis yet because I couldnāt do one on one counselling and a CBT at the same time, which I suppose makes sense as it could be counterproductive doing it together, next step for me is getting through my past, I never thought that my past experience could make me angry, does make alot of sense I suppose, thank you for broadening my mind to the possibility
Resilient chicas never doš
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Our past experiences has ALOT to do with how we handle current relationships/situations if we leave issues unresolved. Just something to thing about.
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@LyLyC
I could really relate to your story. My Mom drank when I was in HS, too. I talked it over with my grandmother, who talked to her about it. But it didnāt really help the situation. She drank in the bars till 2 am. There I was a 15 yo girl without a curfew. And the trouble began.
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@RedDragon
To me, the neighbors have valid reasons to move. I would let that go.
Start over with new neighbors.
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I know (sighs) itās just one of those trigger thoughts, evidence against my thoughts is that they still speak to me, if I was that bad surely they would just ignore me. I donāt know, maybe Iām just anxious about the change and Iām not in control of that so it worries me, all the what ifs going through my mind, what if we donāt get along, what if they are nightmare neighbours and what if they donāt like me. Just have to ride this one out and wait and see
Head wants to explode right now, having such an emotional roller-coaster lately, been talking to family that Iāve wronged when I was drinking and even oneās that I havenāt that still have a negative opinion of me. So bleeding tough. It hits right where it hurts, I didnāt defend my drunken self and I listened to it all, feeling sad and I wounder if I can ever fix things and make it right again because quite frankly I wouldnāt give myself another chance if I was them 
I know this is part of recovery, just as hard as those first 30 days all over again. No thought of even picking up either.
On top of this my husband got out of control Saturday, shouting and screaming at the youngest son who was terrified and pinned in his chair by fear, I was trying to rest and hearing the commotion came belting downstairs, I picked up my son and he absolutely sobbed onto my shoulder, the boys were crying and scared. I told my husband to calm down or I would phone the police, this is how bad it was. I am still needing to be supervised with the boys after the incident when I was drinking, I was so scared about telling social care but I did today and even though my husband and I have not talked since I am relieved that I did the right thing
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Iām still living with the kids and my husband, I can be supervised by others too. The supervision will be reviewed on the 6th October hopefully
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Good on you for making such a tough call. I canāt imagine the feelings behind getting them involved.
The good news is that you opened the door far wider with this family members to forgive you and give you second chances, by having these conversations. Canāt say how all of them will take it, but the fact you were seeking reconciliation and listening, I can only see that improving peopleās opinion of you (hopefully theyāre not too stubborn).
I really admire how on fire you are just blasting your way forward to better days, no matter what obstacles are in your way.
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My older two sisters are forgiving enough and know its not me when I was drinking, I was like jeckel and Hyde, my harshest critic is the youngest sister who has never experienced or seen that side of me, when I say harsh she has stopped me going to her house and seeing my nephews, this upset me because like I said she has not seen or been around me drinking nor have her kids just really emotional right know, cried a lot today 
Maybe if she hasnāt seen that side of you, there is new information to process and she is taking what (to her) feels like the space she needs to process and figure out how she feels.
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So after my initial discussion with social care and the pastoral team things have gone ok, they were concerned about my husband coping with all the responsibilities and not having a break. He realised that he went over the top. Getting put on a healthy relationship workshop eventually, but the husband still refusing to do any kind of parenting course.
Sometimes I feel really frustrated that I feel like Iām doing all the work, which I know itās down to me in recovery but when it comes to social care surely we should both be doing the work, my husband has pointed out to me that itās my fault weāre in this situation, which is true, and I own that itās my fault, I just really donāt need to be told in such a resentful way.
As the week goes on my husband just gets more and more negative with daily life, Monday when the boys go to school heāll be fine and come Saturday I really canāt cope with him.
Heās always saying heās bored and telling me like I can do something about it, but I canāt. I have meetings and courses throughout the week and when Iām home I can do my diamond art and come on here, but now heās moaning at me doing that. Hardly any housework is getting done because heās no longer doing it and I am feeling guilty for not spending time with him while heās bored. Quite frankly Iām getting fed up with it.
Iām thinking of going back to work and applying for a job in a shop a few doors down from my house, nothing too full on just doing 2-3 Days a week. I donāt know if heāll get annoyed at this because he canāt go back to work just yet but weāre struggling financially.
Lastly, which I havenāt disclosed before is that my husband is a daily weed smoker, doing it more than once a day, I want him to give up as to me it alters his mood but he doesnāt see it and unsurprisingly he doesnāt feel like he has a problemā¦
Lately if I get stressed with a situation all I want to do is eat cookies and sleep, when I need a sleep the husband is moaning about that saying Iām copping out and not trying hard enough to get on with my day,
Feeling very conflicted today