You are not stupid, you are a perfectly lovely person. I’m so sorry that you feel that miserable right now.
What does white knuckling mean? I
The proof comes with actions, not words. But ultimately needs to come from a place where you do not drink because you have chosen not to do so. This low point for you is when you can make the commitment and say you so not drink. Then use your energy to figure out how will keep that commitment to yourself and show your bf by your actions going forward. Get help here, online, start a journal today to remind yourself of why your made the choice. Try any and all tools to get through. What if we put as much or more energy that we did into drinking and recovering and drinking more into staying sober and meditating, doing yoga, feeding our selves nutritious foods, taking long walks or showers, reading TS forums, whatever it is we find that helps?
Check this out @Marisim
Just Giving Up Alcohol Might Not be Enough
Just because people have managed to walk away from alcohol abuse does not mean that their problems are over. Recovery means building a new and better life away from substance abuse. This takes a bit of effort. Those who fail to make the necessary changes to their life end up suffering because of it. They may resolutely refuse to return to substance abuse yet they fail to find much satisfaction in their new life. This situation is sometimes referred to as white knuckle sobriety by members of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Thanks for the explanation
It sure is. I find it hard to deal with the consequences of my action right now. I wish i could just sleep this day away and wake up tomorrow feeling ready to start over.
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Is there any reason you can’t? I know I’ve done that after a fuck up plenty of times. And if I can’t sleep I just rest my body and try to rest my brain.
Thank you very much. But this is right now The only thing i can focus on. Being a drunk miserable person and that i kind of not being able to ever get through this.
Yes because of the anxeity in my body i cant seem to find rest and i just walk around in circles or i hang on my bf asking him all the time to not leave me. Smoking one cigarette after another. Im so tired and i dont trust myself
I know the feeling, you probably know this too but it does pass. What has worked for me is to force myself to lay down and make it as dark as possible, sometimes turn on music really loud and just try to focus on that instead of what is going on in my brain. And just lean into the discomfort. Identify what your body is feeling and name it. My body is shaking, I feel tingly or itchy, etc. meditation music on you tube sometimes helps. You can break the feeling you’re having. And the cigs are going to end up prolonging your anxiety though I do know they are a momentary relief. Forcing your body to calm down works! And you might not feel the relief for a long time but it helps trust me.
Cigarettes prolong the anxeity? How?
Yes i will have to force my body to calm down. Just a nap will be good to make this day a little less long. Im tired and my eyes can barely stay open. I will have to see if i can find some of my anxeity medicine so that i can relax. Because for now that sounds impossible. I guess i should be happy that im still here, that my bf i still here, i guess if he wanted to leave me, he would have been gone already? Or what do you think?
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You won’t be remembered as an alcoholic pos because you are going to be successfully sober by this time next year if not this time next month.
I found that I had to spend as much time on recovery related things every day as I used to spend it l buying and using drugs.
Just an example of what I aim to do in a day is-- I spend an hour on this forum in the morning. By afternoon I have spent another hour or two listening to recovery podcasts and narcotics anonymous speaker tapes on YouTube and if I can in the evening I will go to an NA meeting. With this lockdown at the moment there are no in person meetings so I’m aiming to do an online meeting a day or even other day.
Do you think that you could try and add a similar structure to your day, you don’t have to be obsessed with AA but listening to some speaker tapes will help.
I have found that in structuring my day like this it gets me stay clean because it keeps recovery in the front of my mind and if I sit around with nothing to do then I will stay to think about taking drugs. Add they say the devil makes work for idle hands! 
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Dont worry about writing too much. This is a place of support and where u should be able to express yourself. I relate to having anxiety about coming home and being alone. When I was at the grocery before I came home yest i wanted so badly to buy some beer. Fortunately I didn’t buy any. It is hard at times to face that. I am at day 5 after a relapse. Longest so far is 12 days for me. You’ll get it! Stat strong💪
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I don’t know if there are any health food stores open near to you but valerian root capsules/tablets or tea are good for anxiety. 
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Smoking and anxiety
Research into smoking and stress has shown that instead of helping people to relax, smoking actually increases anxiety and tension. … Smoking reduces nicotine withdrawal symptoms, which are similar to the symptoms of anxiety, but it does not reduce anxiety or deal with the underlying causes.
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I can’t speak to you bf’s intentions but you can absolutely show him through your actions that you are serious about sobriety. If you do the work it will take and he can see it then it will only be in your favor.
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Oh okay. There might be something About that. I actually didnt know this. But at the moment its all that i have and that i feel i can control. I really thank you all for being here for me today helping me cope
That being said about the cigs, there’s withdrawals associated and it’s known as one of the most addictive substances too. So maybe cross that bridge another time.
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Yes i will have to show him changes, course words of getting better and Changeing has no power what so ever anymore
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Yes i will for sure end that at another time. Because right now i will have to deal with this. This one big thing destroying my life.
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