Omg I was the QUEEN of ridiculous solutions to balance my various buzzes. Feeling a bit too jacked up from that coke ?? Here rail this oxy … feel to messed up from that ?? Have a drink. It’s really quite amazing I survived 
. Many I knew did not.
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Yeah exactly trying to find that perfect combination but that perfect combination kept changing or it was never enough. I definitely feel like I’m living on borrowed time and I heard someone else on here say that and it actually makes me feel motivated not sad to hear that. I’m grateful you made it out and I’m grateful we all did. Never have to go back to that madness ever again. My problems these days aren’t even really problems lol it’s just life
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Love this quote. And needed to hear it. Im realizing how wrong ive been about so much of life and whats truly important.
Do i still want a generally enjoyable life? Of course! But i think the point i read others making is that in the pleasure seeking of our addictions we actually made our lives pretty hellish.
Grateful for sobriety so i might learn what will actually make my life meaningful, happy, and fulfilled, which is the best kind of “pleasurable.”
Thanks evwryone for your thoughtful responses
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The perspective change from sobriety is refreshing. I definitely know what you mean about realizing so many things I thought I understood or knew. But I remain teachable and there’s still plenty of time to learn. Thank you for reaching out and participating in this thread. And congrats on your sobriety time!
Ps: In between random entries or discussions I’m probably going to post a few of my favorite quotes every week or so. I have a few written down that I really like and I think the community will as well
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I had a counselor once who referred to that search for pleasure as “the myth of eternal leisure”. I wanted that “golden moment” all the time, the way I would feel around 3 or 4 beers into a drinking session. And I always overshot the mark, every single time, and more booze would not fix the problem. Once the moment was gone, it was gone.
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Myth of eternal leisure.. I like that
I definitely can relate . I was trying to find that golden moment for 15 years. But like you said I always did way too much and negative crazy things always happened. Also when I would be withdrawing especially off liquor there was a fine line between being OK and not shaking anymore and a little bit more was blacking out. So many years of trying to manipulate my drinking or drug use or Find the perfect combination in search of eternal leisure as you put it. Constant Nirvana. That’s not reality and sometimes I think that’s why it’s so hard to get sober because we became used to a alternate reality that is extremely fake and getting back to normalcy is weird. At least at first it is. Thanks for your input on this quote and reaching out.
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412
4/13/25
I’m currently 36 years old but since committing to sobriety this time and making so many changes And taking suggestions I was unwilling to take before I feel like I’m 16 years old.One thing I’ve been doing is thinking or meditating about what my life was like or consisted of before I started smoking weed and drinking.. which took me on a path of trying everything else. I’ve been thinking about what hobbies I had? What music did I listen to? What were my dreams? And in the last year or more I went right back to my life before drugs and alcohol. I went back in time 20 years. I prefer to be outside riding my bike or skateboarding if my obligations/ commitments are done. I am journaling, writing and playing instruments. Having a normal social life. Being there for my family and loved ones. Reading for at least an hour a day. Working a full time job. But along with having a normal life and active life like I did when I was 16.. I also have my extreme energy mentally and physically and I don’t have substances or alcohol to slow me down or balance me out. I always knew partially the reason I got into drugs and alcohol was to slow my brain down and I guess self medicate.. But recently I realize that’s definitely why I initially started. But I’ve been learning to utilize my energy and be OK with who I am. I have learned to make sure to not skip meals. Make sure I’m getting at least six hours of sleep. Taking my multivitamins. And not having too many projects on my plate. I try to finish some thing whether it’s creative or not and then move onto the next thing. With that said I’m not perfect and every day I’m learning how to be me without drugs and alcohol. I’m learning how to slow down naturally When it’s necessary.
It’s so hard to fully explain but it’s so strange being excited for the next day like I did when I was 16. Unable to sleep because of all the possibilities. Or not wanting to go to sleep at all because I feel like I’m missing out on opportunities. Being upset if it rains because I can’t skateboard or ride my bike. But I’ll take these problems any day over The problems I used to have.
Does anybody else feel like they went back in time to the life they used to have ? Re-discovering old hobbies and old music? Learning different subjects? Feeling like a kid again?
Thank you for reading
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I love your post! Its an interesting thing to think about. I started using drugs when i was 15 and a couple years prior to that my mental health wasnt good. I dont remember much of my past but i do remember being a kid and playing outside with my brother, playing in the puddles on a rainy day or raking up the leaves in the autumn season, to jump into. Nature was a huge part of my childhood so in getting clean and sober, i wanted to incorporate that aswell. In recovery, I like to go out when its raining and twirl around and dance or lay or sit on the grass and get soaked by the rain lol Reminds me of my childhood before the drugs and mental health stuff came into play. I like to color… again another thing of my childhood. I like to do crafts and whatnot with my son. He really brings out the inner child in me.
Idk i think thats it. Its definitely something i want to think more about. When i think of my inner child, i often think of giving her all the things today, that she didnt receive back then. Things that she needed. So i try to live my life today in such a way that makes her happy 
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Thank you for reaching out and participating in this thread. Even though it might be blurry or hard to remember I’m glad you have found some things that bring you joy and bring you back to a time before drugs and alcohol. I’m not sure about you but I’m realizing even if I had a time machine and went back things probably would’ve played out the same way or worse. I’m grateful for my experiences and even my struggles with drugs and alcohol. I know that sounds crazy but I am OK with who I am. I am OK with my past. It’s made me who I am. I have my life before drugs and alcohol and during and Now My life after drugs and alcohol which really is a reincarnation of my life before..
I’ve learned a lot in the last 14 months but more than anything it’s about how to respect myself but also to respect my family and all the people that have been there for me. One day at a time.
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I can relate to feeling like a kid again in sobriety. For me it felt refreshing and like i was relearning a lot. I would say its like living in technocolor. The world seems more vibrant without drugs. Its beautiful but also on the flipside it can feel a bit overwhelming too.
Keep posting and growing @bluekoolaid_88 love the thread and space youve created!
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Thanks for reaching out and participating in this thread. That’s a good way to put it that it feels like Technicolor in sobriety and using and drinking was the first part of Wizard of Oz when it’s black and white before it changed to color. We get sober and we can really see and appreciate everything and the world really opens up. I agree that it can be overwhelming at times but sometimes its a good thing to be overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed but that’s because of all the possibilities of sobriety. There was a guy at the speaker meeting tonight talking about how he went back to school at like 55 years old to get a bachelors degree and he was talking about all the things he can do now that he couldn’t do when he was using and drinking. So if these days I’m overwhelmed and I feel a lot of nostalgia then I have to be OK with that and feelings are good. It’s better than having no feelings and waking up feeling like shit every day.
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4/17/25
416
Trigger warning- Death / family
It’s been about 3 or 4 months since my grandfather passed away after a 5 year battle with Alzheimer’s. I’m positive this played a major part in his death and also just complications of old age. This is my first time writing about this or I believe discussing this in the community. My grandfather was a wonderful human being and a good person all around. He provided for his family. He worked hard and retired early. He was Loyal and humble. He had a big heart and cared about people. He was someone I looked up to and often got life advice from. We were very much alike and often he was the only person in my family I could 100% be honest with and we had some very long deep conversations about everything. Even at a very young age I remember him saying to me no matter what we talk about it stays between us. And that always was the case. Since his passing I have all of these memories coming back and it doesn’t make me sad it makes me grateful. We were alike in so many ways it’s crazy. One of the many things I will never forget is how Organized he was as a person and very meticulous. He didn’t lose or misplace things. He wasn’t late to anything. He had concrete plans for everything he did. He knew the answer before the question. He was incredibly smart with his money. And probably why he retired at something like 45 years old. Throughout my life from childhood through my teen years and on he planted these different type of seeds about how to deal with life and people. How to respect money. How to understand money like different forms of investments. How to make the best of things. How to handle stress.The only thing I will say which is good or bad is that he was unwilling to except my addiction or believe it was real. Maybe this has to do with the way he was brought up or coming from a different time period but also it’s Possible he didn’t understand because I never really brought this to his front door for lack of better words. He never really saw or witnessed it and when he did hear things about it he just had this mentality that it wasn’t a big deal. But there’s also the factor of it not becoming life-threatening or really out of control till A year or two before his Alzheimer’s or during. So in a way I am grateful he never got to see the severity of it because I know that would have really hurt and effected him. My grandfather always was a very independent person in every aspect of that word. So around the time of his diagnosis of Alzheimer’s things started rapidly changing in his life. Little by little he started losing his freedom and I got to witness the decline and it was difficult to say the least. I remember on a weekly basis taking his list to the grocery store because he couldn’t drive anymore and running errands for him then I would come back and talk to him for a few hours and he would be apologizing for his memory and he had all of these different emotions that were confusing to him. He didn’t like other people having to do things for him. You could tell he was scared and my grandfather wasn’t the type of person that was scared. He might have had anxiety but he wasn’t scared. Then it started where he would call me my brothers name but quickly realize and apologize. Or get days or appointments mixed up. I didn’t understand how fast it was going to progress now looking back I wish I would have spent more time with him. Asked him more questions or whatever. It seems like every time I saw him it got just a little bit worse. Things started happening to where it got to the point that our family decided we had to put him in a retirement/nursing home..That was not easy especially on my mom. But I would like to say at least he invested And was smart with his money because his last few years were spent at a really great place and the staff and nurses got to know him really well and all things considered it was a good place with other people he could connect with that we’re going through similar things. And it was very clean!! That last detail matters. I remember when he first moved in there that’s when things were pretty bad memory wise and with his balance and other things. Almost every conversation was him asking he doesn’t understand why he’s there. His memory and the things he would say would jump all around to different time periods And at that point I realized it wasn’t necessary to correct him because that would only make things more confusing so I would play along. I was losing one of the closest people to me right in front of me. So was my mom, dad, brother and all of my family. I wasn’t alone with my pain and frustration with the card he was dealt. Out of everything he was going through I really felt horrible that he couldn’t do what he wanted. He completely lost his freedom. Financially he could do whatever he wanted but healthwise he couldn’t. It progressed insanely the first year but especially the four years after. The last year or so for visiting or just about anything we had to come to him. We could not take him anywhere. But I’d like to believe my family tried to make things as comfortable as possible for him and make sure he was not alone. Four months ago or so I got a text at work saying my grandfather wasn’t doing good and it wasn’t looking good. Then when I called my dad I found out he had passed away. This might sound messed up but I was relieved that he wasn’t suffering anymore or locked away in a nursing home confused every day with no freedom. The first couple weeks after his passing was obviously pretty tough on my mom especially but we stayed close as a family and thought about the good times. We honored his life. As we still do…Wherever he is I hope its somewhere awesome and beautiful and clean/ organized. My grandfather was and is my favorite human being. And I learned so much from him. I’m grateful for the times I did have with him. I’m grateful for the life lessons he taught me. Even if some of them took years to resonate. I’m grateful when he called me on my bullshit. I’m grateful when he picked up the phone when nobody else would. I’m grateful to have known him. And I’m grateful his memories will live on forever in my head and heart. Life is precious and our time on this planet is not forever. Make the best of today. And tell your love ones you love them.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for letting me talk about this for the first time. There is so much more I want to say. But this is all I can do right now.
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What you’ve written is beautiful. It’s a beautiful tribute to your grandfather and your relationship with him, and his relationship with the world and with you.
A tribute, a memorial, a gathering together of your own thoughts and feelings.
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Thank you Alisa! I have so much to say and how do I say enough or really explain when it’s something that Means so much.. I kinda regret posting this but at the same time this is why I created this thread so I can have a space to write about whatever I need or want to. I know it’s a heavy subject but I’m trying hard to be grateful if that makes sense
Ps: I think I regret posting this because I wrote about it. If I write about it then it makes it real. I’ve been writing stuff down my whole entire life. In journals and books of paper. Pretty much my whole entire life is written down. So I guess I had to write about it eventually. Probably better to put it on here. Maybe there’s somebody that can relate or will help
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Just started reading through this thread you’ve created and I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts/journey, especially being that I’m newer to recovery. I’m 11 days in and I’m very grateful to be here and to have the opportunity to recover. I’m loving what sobriety has brought me thus far, but I also feel overwhelmed because of how “new” everything feels to me. Rediscovering my sober self after using for years has been emotionally and mentally challenging because of how much change has happened and will continue to happen over the course of my journey. It’s intimidating to “start over” but it’s more than worth it to have a chance at a genuine substance free life. I look forward to reading more of your entries!
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Thank you!! and Congrats on 11 days!! Glad your here! Being overwhelmed is completely normal especially in the beginning. But it does get easier and sobriety becomes normal. What I learned is that sobriety takes practice just like learning anything else new. If I’m being honest being a little bit overwhelmed and feeling uncomfortable is where the real change comes from and how you truly recover. Being uncomfortable produces results. Being comfortable 24 seven was the old way and nothing good came from that. The best thing you can do is get through the next 24 hours sober and give yourself a break. Give yourself a chance. Keep things simple right now and before you know it the days will be stacking up and this sobriety thing won’t seem so scary and it’ll be normal. I promise it gets better a lot faster than you probably realize. At 14 months I’m still learning every day. I’m always going to be learning and improving. Thank you for reaching out and participating in this thread. Please reach out or post anytime no matter what.
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4/19/25
418
Burglary on a unoccupied structure- 2 counts
*This is going to be pretty long one but I have not wrote about this in detail and I feel it will help me and maybe someone else..
As of yesterday it’s been exactly one year since I got
out of jail. I will never forget that day. I Will never forget how that fresh air felt that evening and the tears that could not stop flowing. I know that I only spent two months in jail and there is people that have done way more time than that or prison time for alcohol or drug related charges and I truly feel for them but it was the longest two months of my life. Even though I was excited to leave of course at the same time I was terrified because by the time everything got done with paperwork I was released at 11 o’clock at night. My cell phone, clothes, toiletries and just about everything I owned was in a investigation building. My parents were in Ireland and I had no numbers saved or written down and at the time the majority of my friends Were not people that you would call If you’re trying to stay sober or out of trouble.It’s one thing to be homeless when you’re using and drinking. But I have never been homeless sober. Now Thinking about it that half a day after Jail Was the only time in my life I was ever homeless and sober. It had only been two months in jail but long enough for the Florida season to change and it felt beautiful out though. That release was a combination of joy and despair. It’s hard to explain. I had no residence to go to but because of my plea deal I had taken three years of probation to avoid prison and for of course other reasons but because of this probation I had to find residence within 24 hours also I had to report within 24 hours To probation office and register as a felon. I was more concerned about getting out that I didn’t really think about what I was going to do until I was released and I ended up walking 6 miles to a sober living house I had been to before But by the time I got there it was about 1am. That was the last night I will ever be homeless God willing and if I stay on track with my recovery. I stayed up the rest of the night at this church next to the sober living praying that I didn’t get a trespassing ticket or loitering and get sent right back to jail on violation of probation less then 24 hours after being released. The morning came and I walked next-door and talked to the management at the sober living. I didn’t have a long crazy speech I just simply said I need help and I don’t know how to stay sober… That I’m going to die or go to prison if I go back to drugs or alcohol. And that still the case. That will always be the case if I go back to drinking or using.
2 months prior..
On 2/26/2024 I was arrested on two counts of burglary on a Un occupied structure. I broke into a bar and stole multiple bottles of liquor two days in a row. I write this to remind myself where my addiction takes me. Reasoning and proper judgment or decision-making go right out the window. Looking back I almost think that I wanted to get caught. I didn’t cover my face and there were some other things that made it easy for them to catch me or find me. A couple days after this incident my dad said I should probably get out of the area and I went to a rehabilitation place in a different county. I would like to tell you I did that to get better but realistically I was just trying to get away from my problems. I ended up leaving that rehab against medical advice and went right back to the same area I had committed these crimes. Because I was homeless and choosing drugs and alcohol over just about everything I was wearing the same clothes from when I committed the crime a couple months before. One morning I was inside the liquor store like any other day and I remember this morning of course because this is the morning I got arrested. I was inside the liquor store and the clerk said they’re out there looking for somebody. It had been a couple months since this liquor break in And I remember jokingly saying they’re definitely not looking for me. But they were! I walked out of the liquor store and a police officer walked up to me and said to put my bag down and stand against the wall. I was still unwilling to believe I was being arrested for the liquor bar break ins.. But when I got in the back of the cop car and I saw them looking at their surveillance video that’s When my whole entire life changed in a matter of seconds. I will never forget Sitting in the back of the cop car absolutely terrified. Terrified!!! I knew this wasn’t a simple panhandling or loitering ticket or petty theft. This was Burglary And this was serious. I remember at that moment thinking that I could cause a scene and say I was suicidal or whatever but at that moment I realized I needed to own up to the situation and that this is my fault and I have to deal with whatever happens. I have to face the consequences. So that’s what I did. Before I went to jail we went to a investigation building and for better or worse I admitted guilt right away. I told them I didn’t want to go to trial and that I didn’t want to waste there time. I’m sure a lawyer would have advised against this but I didn’t have a lawyer. And my bond was $25,000. I didn’t call my parents. I didn’t call anybody. I’m glad i didn’t call anyone. I knew that my parents would know where I was because in Florida when you get arrested bonds people will call relatives to try to make money basically. The best thing my parents did for me was to leave me in there. I absolutely needed to be there because my life was in jeopardy. Severely in jeopardy. Overdose’s, Seizures, stitches in my face, the couple months leading up to the arrest I had lost track of hospital visits. I absolutely needed to be there and think about my life.
The first 24 hours of being in jail was complete shock. I had never been to jail more than maybe 12 hours. But this time I knew I was not going anywhere. And to be honest I didn’t think I was going home at all. I was convinced I was going to prison and I had every reason to believe that. I remember one of the first people I talked to in there told me to talk to God or whatever I believe in. And that’s pretty much how I got through the two months. I talked to my higher power every day. I thought about my childhood and my whole entire life leading up to the arrest. I thought about what my life could be if I actually had sobriety. But honestly even though I tried to be positive there was a lot of days where I was having a full-blown panic attack the whole entire day. Convinced I was going to prison and I was almost mentally preparing myself for that. Florida goes on a point system. I had or have enough points to be prison Eligible. But I am not prison mandatory. Regardless that is a scary situation to be in with two counts of burglary and a public defender. But days turned into weeks And I started adjusting to being in there. You have no choice but to adapt in there. There was drugs especially drugs and alcohol around me all the time but I didn’t want to be high or drunk. I wanted to get better. I wanted to get better for myself. I didn’t gamble or play cards in there. I didn’t really even talk to anybody because I was the only person in there that was guilty and I was the only person in there that admitted they had a drug and alcohol problem. Surprising right? I kept my head down and I kept talking to my higher power and trying to keep my mental health in check. Finally the day came where I met with my public defender. That’s another day I won’t forget. She said that I have good news you’re going home tomorrow. She said the bad news is that you have to accept three years of felony probation to not go to prison. When I went to court the next day the judge said he feels I should have done more than two months and he also said that if he sees me back there for any reason that I’m getting a lot more than two months do you catch my drift? Meaning that I’m going to prison for three years. I caught his drift! I’ll be catching his drift for the rest of my life.
I’m never going to be able to drink and do drugs successfully. It’s never going to work out well in my life. I’m not like other people. I’m not like regular people. If I drink and I drug I put my life on the line. If I drink and I drug I will disrespect myself in every possible way. I won’t be able to hold a job, I’ll put drugs and alcohol before food, I will abandon my belongings and everything else in my life including family. If I drink and I drug I will end up in detox , the hospital, jail , prison or all of the above. There’s also the very high likelihood I will die. I refuse to become another statistic. I refuse to have my mom bury me because of my selfishness. I refuse to go back to my old life.
Exactly one year since I got out of jail. And I think the main thing is not forgetting my past or where the drugs and alcohol will take me. I’m currently still on probation and my halfway mark is October. In Florida there is a unwritten rule that you have to do at least 18 months of the three years before you can file for early termination. I have already paid off my restitution to the bar and my court cost, I completed my eight months of drug classes. Biking 14 miles when I was sick or tired or simply just didn’t feel like it. The probation people can show up to my apartment or job anytime they want and they often do. I can’t leave the county, state, and most definitely the country. There’s a lot of things I can’t do but to be honest I don’t even think about that. I’m grateful to have my freedom. I’m grateful to be sober. And I Know this sounds crazy but I am grateful that all of this happened. It needed to happen.
My life has done a complete 180. It’s 100% because I accept that I’m an alcoholic and a drug addict. To be honest it’s been pretty easy but I think that’s because I stopped fighting everything and just surrendered.
Thank you for letting me be honest and be able to write about this because it’s about time I got this out… Sorry for it being so long. And for anybody who read this. Thank you.
Ps: Sorry for the grammar
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Hello Trevor I’m heather and I am new here
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Nice to meet you Heather. This is a really awesome community. A lot of great sober people that are very helpful and really awesome as I’m sure you’ve seen so far. This place has been a huge help in my sobriety personally and I’m sure a lot of other people on here can relate. Definitely stick around and continue to read around , post and interact.. it will definitely help!! There is a lot of recovery threads of course but also there is some just for fun ones..
Thank you for the reply! I saw! I’m doing this not only for myself but a brand new baby girl who was born on my clean date 30 days and 7 hours ago! I’m super excited to be here!
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