Your story gives me chills. The needed kind. Your story, where you are today, how far you’ve come, washing dishes and making crock pot meals and posting about being grateful that all of this happened?
You remind us all of the miracle we all are, each of us, when we surrender. You are a creator of hope.
I’m grateful for you and that you are sharing your story! Trevor on, fine friend. 
That’s really awesome. I don’t have it all figured out and I’m still learning every day. But I will say it does get easier And sobriety becomes normal. I know for myself I was so used to the craziness and old lifestyle of drugs and alcohol That was normal. But now sobriety is normal and comfortable. Sobriety takes practice just like learning anything else new. But if you put your sobriety before everything else then everything else falls into place. There is going to be ups and downs in life but nothing you have to use or drink over. The main thing is to get involved with some sort of program there is lots of different options. The main thing is you don’t have to do this alone. Keep things simple right now and take things one day at a time. Give yourself a chance. Give yourself a break and stay sober. One of the many cool things about this place is that it’s pretty much 24 seven because there is people all over the world on here and different time zones. There is always somebody to talk to you whether it’s good or bad. Keep pushing forward!
Thank you Emm!! Thank you for the kind words. Sometimes I do forget how far I’ve come And that’s when I need to write on here or in real life in my journal and it puts things into perspective. I have so many things I’m trying to come to terms with or write about. I think that’s a good reason to have this thread so that I can write stuff that’s even heavy and I don’t feel bad or guilty for taking up space somewhere else Especially if it’s like brutally honest or sensitive writings. Plus it’s like a time capsule. At 36 years old I’m learning all of these simple life things that I never knew about is really awesome. Like crockpots lol. And gratitude really is the proper word. And you’re right every single one of us are miracles. Our stories might not be the same but at the end of the day alcohol and drugs completely interfere with the decision making and proper judgment and everything that is good or right. Thank you so much for your contributions to this community and being a part of this place. Glad you’re here!
Exactly! The details between any of our stories may differ, but your words here?
You just wrote the truth for me too.
The power in sharing! It heals us both, heals us all.
Like I wrote about.. when I was in jail I had nothing but time to think about my life and my choices leading up to that point. In The past almost all of my attempts at sobriety I had reservations. I knew that I would go back to drinking and drugging at some point. I always thought that I could pull it off or if the circumstances were right or my surroundings or having enough money I would be able to do it different. This time sitting in jail and thinking it was a scary but at the same time freeing feeling to realize that I cannot drink and do drugs anymore. That was terrifying and scary but also it was relief. The acceptance was scary but it was also the end of a long chapter in my life.
There is definitely power in sharing. I learn so much from this community every day. Or at the meetings I go to. Often I just listen. But I’m realizing when I do share I never know there might be one person at the meeting that really understands or hears or it helps.
I read pieces here and there about your addiction days, but this post put it all in perspective. Having that time in jail to reflect on the reality of where your life was headed (or ending) was a huge eye opener. Glad you chose the path you’re on today. Thank you for being so open and honest. You are truly a miracle and someone I admire.
I always thought about your poor mom losing sleep, wondering if her boy would survive addiction. What a relief to know she can rest easy these days.
Thanks Lisa. Honesty is one of the most important things in my life right now. I definitely have a story. And what I posted is just a very small percentage. I really do want to help people not take it as far as I did. Or really help in any kind of way I can. All I know about is drugs and alcohol, rehab, mental health facilities, Alcoholics Anonymous and so forth. But now I know about sobriety. So I can understand both sides. So I have to share my story. Even if I second-guess my posting or feel weird about it. I definitely don’t have to worry about judgment here though.
And I really never thought about my family or the people closest to me or even people in this community that got to know me. And when I would disappear I really can’t make any excuses except for the fact that I was just being selfish and only thinking about how I feel. I’m grateful especially for my mom because she never gave up on me. The amount of times I had to call my mom to ask her to take me to medical detox or the hospital is outrageous. And most of the time after five or 10 days I would leave and immediately go back to the same behavior. It really is insanity. After 14 months of sobriety if my mom doesn’t hear from me for a week or week and a half I know she is still sleeping and not concerned. She knows that I’m living my life. Which is all she wants. But when I first got sober she would be in panic mode if I didn’t talk to her just about every day and if I didn’t answer the voicemail was pretty much like what are you really doing? I can’t blame her especially with my track record. Working the steps has done a lot for my life but especially making me realize how selfish I was and self-centered. Most of my amends Are living amends. My parents just want me to be somewhat happy and be able to Provide for myself and be a part of society.
Another sidenote I recently asked my sponsor if he has a problem with me saying I’m never going to drink or do drugs ever again. I explained that I’ve never truly felt that before. I always knew I was going to go back. But I have no reservations and my sponsor said he has no problem with me saying that. There is no half measures. There is no fake it till I make it. There is no I’ll stay sober today but maybe tomorrow I’ll drink or drug. This is for life but this is for life one day at a time . It definitely is freeing to be giving up on the old ways
4/21/25
420
“ I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.”
Jim Morrison
I’ve always been able to relate to this quote since the first time I heard it maybe 20 years ago. Especially in active addiction I related to this quote. When it really mattered that’s when I ruined everything or when everything mattered or it was serious that’s when I couldn’t stand the heat, was insensitive or just plain stupid. When it really mattered that’s when my comical side got in the way of my logical thinking and thinking process in general.
In sobriety I still can relate to this quote. Sometimes my no filter or impulsive Tendencies can really get in the way/ get me in trouble. I’ve learned more in the last 14 months about who I am then ever before. I am learning to be OK with my personality and who I am but at the same time work on my character defects and Try harder to think before I speak or act especially in real life. I’m not perfect and I’m only human. But I am evolving. There’s no other way.
Ps: One of the first biographies I ever read was Jim Morrison who was the lead singer for the rock band the doors. I learned a lot from that book and definitely related to him as a human and the way he thought about life. I don’t think a lot of people know that he actually graduated from UCLA film school before getting into music. He also wanted to be a poet more than he wanted to be a rockstar. The last part of his life was spent in Paris basically running away from his problems, running away from his legal issues in the United States and trying to start over as a writer and stay out of the spotlight and drama. But wherever you go you take yourself. Even reading that at 16 years old I learned you can’t move somewhere and everything gets better magically. Even though later on in life I would try that a couple different times. I have learned a lot from the biographies and other books I have read in my life. Even though some of the lessons took me Having to try whatever it is out for myself and fail.
427
4/28/25
The last couple weeks taught Me that I don’t have to relapse to go back to old behaviors or old thinking. Sometimes I think the biggest difference between actively using and being sober is that being sober Is about not running from problems. And using and drinking is about avoiding problems. Sobriety is about dealing with feelings. Using and drinking is about blocking them out. I used to think that If I complete the steps then all of my problems go away and everything will be perfect. I really thought that. And I sometimes think in the past I didn’t want to work the steps because I didn’t want to let go of my old life. Also I’ve always been used to having problems, serious problems and I thought if I get better what am I going to do with my life if things are calm and steady most of the time.? Will I be able to handle normalcy? But the truth is I am learning to be OK with normal life and feelings. And even in sobriety I am often surprised.
I’ve never been a person that gets bored. And I especially have not been bored in 14 months. I am way too busy to be bored. There is way too many possibilities to be bored. But after the last couple weeks and dealing with some stress at work and handling it poorly I realize I need to dedicate one day a week to completely focus on relaxing and unwinding. No phones, no screen time. Being OK with taking a step back and being OK with being still. I’m now going to be off Sundays and Mondays in a row. And I think Sunday will be my day to spend with my higher power and relax.
It’s crazy to think that I’m actually working a program. I’m right in the middle. Sometimes my disease tells me I can walk away from this and I’ll be fine. That’s ridiculous thinking. So I’m going to keep doing the things that make me uncomfortable and stick to my commitments and routines. I’m going to continue to work on the way I talk to myself in my head. I’m learning what it means to be an adult. What it means to live a life.
I’m going to start working on some new goals as well. The primary one which is going back to school. I would like to get a bachelors in finance. I never knew I was interested in this field until the last year or so I was looking at my books and realizing that every single one of them is related to investing, money management, history of money and economics, analysis books and so forth. I found something I’m interested in and can make a good living with this degree and there is many options for jobs. It’s not going to be easy but a lot easier than some of the stuff I used to deal with in my life. In October or November when I get off probation and move back to my parents this is when I will start going to school. Just have to decide if I’m doing online or in person classes. In the meantime I’m working on my reading comprehension and dedicating two hours a day to study. I’m looking into different loans for the schooling. I know who In my life would be supportive of this and who would not be. So mostly I will keep this goal to myself and just do it. For me.
I understand there is going to be different chapters in my sobriety or different trials I will have to face but nothing I have to drink or drug over. I must learn from anything that happens good or bad. In life there is lessons and blessings.. just have to have my eyes open.
433
5/4/25
I was sitting on my couch the other day after work thinking about how I hate having to worry about stuff. And then I Thought that is probably the main reason I don’t ever wanna go back to drugs and alcohol. If I go back to drinking or opiates I will definitely have a lot to worry about. Every single day will be so many worries. How will I get more alcohol or pills? Did I put my freedom in jeopardy The day before or what will I have to do today to get what I need? Where am I going to end up when this comes to an end or I’m too physically and mentally broken to continue using and drinking? These are just some of the worries if I go back. I have less worries today because I am sober. It’s not easier but it’s definitely better. And the worries I do have today are incredibly minor compared to what they used to be. And most of the time it’s because I’m not living in today.
This is just the beginning!
441
I briefly talked about it or hinted at it in this community recently that I’ve definitely been going through a rough patch. A funk I guess you could call it. Work, responsibilities, probation obligations… I’m not going to feel great every day. But at the same time it really hasn’t been that bad. It’s hard to put into words completely. I been thinking about it and the thing is nothing has changed with my routine. I’m feeling like this but I’m still doing everything I’m supposed to. It’s weird to be still doing everything for your physical and mental health but still feeling weird. But I have this feeling that I’m coming out of the funk currently. I also start a new schedule this week where I’m off two days in a row. Now I’m going to be off Sunday and Monday. And summer is on the way which is better for my mental health getting a lot of sunshine and being outside as much as possible. I definitely notice the days that I get a lot of sun I feel more level and I sleep better plus can handle my emotions better. But I realize some days I’m not going to get that much sun and that’s when I have to utilize other things in my toolbox. I can’t be mad at mother nature if it rains all day. I just have to realize it’s not going to rain forever. The sun will come out eventually.
I would say the last six weeks has been strange. My character defects showed up at my job a few times
Pretty bad but I quickly realized and did something about it. Plus kind of having this feeling recently that what am I supposed to do now? Everything is going good and I have nothing to complain about. Then I was crashing the last few weeks thinking so what do I do now? I got everything back and then some and completed so many goals. But a few weeks ago I guess is when I started feeling weird. But nothing really changed day to day and I guess the biggest thing is I’ve communicated so much especially with my net work and talking to a lot of people every day in person and on the phone and also on here. I’m glad that I pushed through recently. Emotions and feeling is still new. Everything is not going to get solved or figured out in 441 days.
These days I don’t run from my problems. I don’t hide from my problems. I just deal with them. It’s not always great but it’s better than the old way.
Hey Trevor, don’t forget that when we get sober in mind, body, and spirit, then we react to life without our decades-long mechanism of getting high and checking out. In other words, we stunted our emotional growth when we started using, and now we lack some of the emotional skills to deal with life and maintain equanimity.
When I started into sobriety, particularly after steps 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9, I would see myself repeating the same pattern of character defects that were uncovered in step 5. As time passes, I can appreciate that there is a different way to regard those reactions. I can easily grasp that they are learned reactions based on years of immediate and infantile responses reinforced by drinking. I need to re-learn how sober adults handle these things. My sponsor used just enough humor and sarcasm to get me to see when I needed to pull up my big boy pants and let other people be responsible for what they do and to take full responsibility for what I do.
The shorthand we hear in AA is that we are emotionally the same age when we get sober that we were when we started. For me, that was 10 years old - a pre-teen mind in a middle-aged body. And we can learn new ways of being and doing, and of dealing with that flood of emotion that can be overwhelming in the moment.
Blessings 
on your house, brother.
Thanks for reaching out Dan. Honestly what I got from this response and post was to give myself a break and realize that it’s going to take time to recover from my past and the way I used to handle things and sometimes that shows up in my personality or reactions to things especially at work if it’s very busy or something like that. Personally I feel like resentments is not the number one offender. I feel like character defects Which turn into shortcomings and acting on these is the number one offender. I’m definitely not 36 years old emotionally I’m probably 21 or younger. I feel like 21 is when things really started getting out of control and My drug and alcohol use became every day and my mind was quickly adapting to that lifestyle. Steps 6, 7, and 10 Are probably my favorite to apply to my life currently and I’m reading this book called drop the rock about character defects. This is a learning process and the thing is That deep down I know I’m doing my best. I’m definitely not a big book scholar and I still have to ask questions every day but that’s ok.
Even though I felt like I was going through a rough patch it really wasn’t that bad and I feel like I’m coming out of it in the last week or so. I’m grateful for my sponsor Showing me how to apply the steps in my life. I’m grateful for my network and my meetings. And I’m grateful for this community.
Thanks again
448
5/19/25
I was going to apologize for being very active on here recently but then I realized that’s ridiculous. That’s a good thing. I’m supposed to utilize this place and read, learn and connect with others.
I had this interesting thought today after brushing my teeth because I finished a tube of toothpaste and wrote down on a grocery list to get more toothpaste. Then I was thinking I probably finished three or four tubes of toothpaste in the last 15 months if I’m guessing. That’s interesting because before this actual sobriety I haven’t finished a entire tube of toothpaste in 15 years. Because I never stayed somewhere long enough for that to happen. I was constantly burning my life to the ground and starting over and abandoning my belongings. Always in between facilities, brief periods of shelter, constantly moving from one place to the next not respecting anything that I had material wise or not respecting myself at all. Then I was thinking of other similar things that I have bought multiple times and finished in the last 15 months or longer. I’m not sure if this is the right word but it’s almost a metaphor for my life right now. I’m completing things from start to finish. This is definitely a random post and thought but I feel like it has really important significance.
I shared this story with my dad today and he completely understood what I was saying. It’s very cool. No more running away. No more starting over.
Thank you to whoever reads this…
No apology necessary! I have nothing but gratitude for your words and posts. I haven’t had much time to be as active on the forum lately, but when I do drop in your posts give me such good stuff to go on - momentum, honesty and truth-telling, heck - food pics! You sharing your journey inspires me and countless others. Onward, fine friend! 
Congratulations for all the progress, thought and action changes you have made on your sober journey! You’re an inspiration that change can happen with lots of work and determination.
Thank you very much @eph-M-eral @Alisa
Thanks for taking the time to read my thread and interact and give encouragement/ feedback. I’m still learning to be OK with posting and I don’t think there has been a single post where the next day I wasn’t thinking I should delete this. But the thing is I don’t delete these days. Even if my post gets across to one person then it’s worth it. It’s definitely going to be a trip to read back to these posts in the future.
I’m the same way. Helps having a supportive community. I nearly delete every post and half the time I’m not even sure if I’m remotely on topic. Low self esteem from a lifetime of abuse
Ok I am laughing. First “you cannot be on here with us too much” if folk don’t want to read what you post that is ok. However there are those like me who love to share your journey.
Second .. the toothpaste realization hit a thought for me. Drunk and very drunk in the past I would purchase items such as shampoo, hand lotion and soap as needed but so many of the times I bought in bulk and would put them away. When I finished 1 then couldn’t remember where I put these already bought items so bought new. Today sober as I organize my life I have found these items and discovered I have enough for quite sometime. Good thing these items don’t have an expiration date. Alway love to read your wonderful sober journey.
I wouldn’t shower or brush my teeth for long periods when on benders. It’s really sad and disgusting. Luckily I was born with great teeth genes as the dentist always tells me how great my teeth are